I realized as I watched my umpteenth Christmas movie of the season that it is the trappings of the holiday that keep me so enamored even if the plot lines usually let me down. Watching actors going about the rituals of celebrating with large family dinners, building gingerbread houses, and baking cookies just warms the cockles of my heart. For the 2nd Christmas in a row I am questioning the whys of how strongly linked food is to Christmas. For thousands of years food has been a way to show another that you care. You have taken time from your day to shop, follow a recipe, prepare, and pack up an assortment of goodies to present to someone you love, or at least to someone you care about in some fashion; a neighbor, a friend, a family member.
It feels like not eating sugar & flour has put a bit of a damper on celebrating in traditional ways, as it should, because it has. I'm not upset about it, and I really enjoyed baking cookies to give away the other day. But not participating in the eating part made me feel a little dismal, like a small portion of the joy has been stripped away. The word on the BLE street is that celebrating the holidays is about so much more than the food; there are people to connect with, and traditions that have nothing to do with the kitchen - unless that is where you happen to hang your mistletoe. But still, I miss the goodies. I miss the feeling that it's okay to overindulge a little because it's a holiday. I miss the holiday cheer that food brings.
So I live that part of my life in Hallmark movies; enjoying every cookie that is eaten, every cup of cocoa or eggnog that they pretend to sip, and every bit of yule log consumed. It doesn't seem to bother me much, I seem to be enjoying these activities with the same passivity as watching them build snow forts, cutting down trees, and strolling through Christmas bazars - other traditions that I won't be participating in this year, or probably any other. I suppose that means no harm, no foul, to my healing brain. But it still rankles that I have lost traditions that were once so central to our celebrations. Instead of cinnamon rolls for breakfast some of us will be having Bright cups of Mexican chocolate. We'll be having appies for lunch as we did at Thanksgiving - there are yummy cheeses in the fridge to go with our cut up veggies and fruit, instead of consuming large bowls of guacamole and onion dip. And no box of Sees candy to pass around. Dad worked for them for probably 30 years, and while I did have a piece last Christmas, it won't be happening this time around. I'm not obsessing over it, and I'm not at work where the box would normally show up as a present from a vendor, so I feel safe against that temptation.
Dinner is already a Bright meal; roast beast, twice baked potatoes, brussels sprouts, carrots. Admittedly there will be a little extra fat in there, but I will weigh my meal as usual, ignoring that small deviation, and accept that this one meal of the day is for maintenance (body & soul) instead of weight loss.
I'm heading into the holiday coloured with the usual sad. Joey won't be here to eat more twice baked potatoes than should be humanly possible. Jim didn't survive to enjoy his grandchildren as I do. And so many loved ones that have gone before and leave spaces in my heart that can't seem to be filled. I'm ever so grateful for my little family, for the hugs I get and give, and for our health at this perilous time in our lives. I know these blessings are probably all the sweeter because of the bitter losses we have endured, and I know we are not alone - many struggle at this time of year and my heart goes out to them all.
Missing out on a little food just doesn't seem so important all of a sudden.
I wonder what Hallmark movie I have set to record for this evening.
Today's Food:
B: Oatmeal w\ flax meal, pecans & cream cheese, canned pears and fresh cherries
L: Leftover pork roast and veggies from last night, oranges and pomegranate seeds
D: Veggie stoup with blackeyes peas, pepperoni & cream cheese
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