Not quite a binge

I understand a little about yin and yang, I just don't understand why it has to apply to me in this particular situation. Just because yesterday I was determined to stick to my Bright Lines shouldn't mean that I have to go overboard to prove I won't. It's just ridiculous. It started last night when I ate three, count them three, Kashi bars that were in the cupboard. They've been there probably at least two month without me giving them a thought, but last night I had to eat. And it didn't stop there, because what I really wanted was a peanut butter sandwich but was too lazy to make it. But somehow after eating the bars I managed to make and eat one anyway.

Continuing on into today, I ate a couple of pancrepes (thin pancakes), one rolled up with Nutella and the other with peanut butter after making them for C this morning. For Christ's sake what is going on in my little pea brain. Well, I know what's going on, a direct and opposite reaction to my determination. I feel back on track now, having had Bright meals for lunch and dinner, but who knows. One would think I would know, but apparently not. And while this feels like a binge, it's so much less than what an actual binge could be I am not wanting to slap that particular label on my derailing. but really it's just a little humiliating, and that is one feeling I could do without.

The mystery I am trying to solve is why this part of me that needs to eat can be so strong. Why am I still rebelling against what is only to my benefit to pursue? Crazy, just plain crazy.

In Susan's vlog today she relayed something that made great sense, and the sentence that struck home this evening was, "I'm not going to give up what I want most, for what I think I want right now." Another great sentence was, "I don't want the global sad that comes with the life of obesity."

So staying calm, not being too angry with myself, and looking forward to doing better tonight and tomorrow. 

I baked off some meatballs, cabbage and onions this afternoon so I have a break from turkey each day for the rest of the week. The meatballs were full of onion, zucchini and spinach; the greens just add so much flavor and moistness. This weekend I want to use some turkey stock to make split pea soup or lentil soup; traditionally this happens every year and I'm ready for something different.

The fridge still hasn't been repaired, and none of us are too happy about it; hopefully tomorrow the magic will happen. In the meantime, hiking out to the detached garage when it's 36 degrees out does delay eating breakfast in the mornings. Not that it makes a difference, I'm still hungry for lunch before noon.

Tomorrow's Food:

B: Rice & beans, apple

L: Meatballs, roasted veg, banana

D: Turkey & bean stoup with loads of veggies

I love that I can trade off having a cold green salad for more cooked veggies, and enjoy a hearty soup for dinner. That was my go-to the years I was eating for nutrition and losing weight, it just feels right.

So no big proclamations about how well I am going to do, instead I will just look at one meal at a time until I am confident enough to look at one day at a time again. And I will chant my two new mantras from above so that going to bed I have positive thoughts driving away any part of me that might think otherwise.