Search This Blog

Friday, April 5, 2013

Interpretation of a dream

I was living in a small trailer type home by the beach, in a small community, and strangely enough there were many that were apparently my close knit group of friends. And I was still married to J, my first husband. (I know, H and I weren't married, but it felt -feels- like a second marriage.) Back to the dream, did I mention this is a dream and I just woke up? So we are in this trailer by the beach and he is cooking liver (yuck, never happened) and I am making macaroni & cheese (happened a lot) and he is being everything he never was towards me. Talkative, attentive, and even stopped what he was doing long enough to give me a good long hug. There was much more to the dream but the details are drifting away and I let them go without a fight, too intent on figuring out the symbolism of what I remember with clarity.

It's fairly obvious, I miss the attention. It's been a really long time since anyone focused on me. Which is why A is such a blessing, she still thinks I am the cat's pajamas. Well mostly, these past few weeks have been trying on her too; I'm so tired everytime I see her we aren't playing together like we once did. I need to set some time aside for us to do something fun together once we get past this weekend.

But back to the dream, I miss even what little contact H and I had towards the end. Reaching over to hold his hand, brushing against him while passing in the narrow hallway, feeling him next to me in bed. This is about as long as I was normally away from him while he was off on business trips, and as I fell asleep last night I was thinking that today might be the last one I spend with him for quite some time. So this morning's dream is no surprise, nor is the sadness that thickens my throat and aches my chest as tears fall down across my cheeks. Love can be a cruel mistress. 

And while posts like this make me crazy because it feels like I am back swimming in the pity pool, they help me to distill my feelings and work through them more quickly. I need to be on my best game today, and just enjoy the company of a friend instead of mourning the loss of a lover. I can do this. I will do this.

No comments: