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Monday, April 8, 2013


I was thinking today about how if I could control my feelings I could control the stress (cancer) sores that seem to go hand in hand with my emotional spikes.  It's a complex idea for me because on the one hand I rather adhere to the belief that the only thing we have control over are our feelings, and on the other hand I sort of believe that if we don't let ourselves feel - well what would be the point?

So I think the question I am trying to ask in an awkward round about way is if there really is a better way to live than to teeter totter between intense emotions, and is it time to explore that possibility. Lately I keep running across the axim that goes something like - it's not what happens, it's how we react to it. Friends are posting it on Face Book, quoting it at work, posting on their blogs. but what does it mean exactly? How is behaving in a predictably vanilla manner any way to live? How is accepting horribly awful situations in a calm manner beneficial to anyone? I know I am over interpreting this, that no one is suggesting not to rise up against injustice or to behave like sheep on the way to slaughter, but there is a little of that in there.

I have tried to learn about meditation several times, but never seriously. I do visualization exercises when calming myself for sleep, and think of myself as an observer even in the most trying of times, trying not to lose sight of the bigger picture.

I am thinking about how maybe I should try staying calm and reeling in those intense reactions to see if it would be a better way to live. For years I've been say, 'oh well, it doesn't matter', because after losing a child it really did seem like nothing else matters. Love that song! It was my get out of jail free card for a long time. Not having to do anything, not having to feel, not having to socialize. Again I digress.

Bottom line - I'm tired. I want to try something new. I want to feel, and feel deeply, but I don't want to let those feelings rule my face, my health, and colour my perspective so dramatically. Maybe it's time to give meditation another try.

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