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Friday, May 17, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 5/30

I'm not sure if I can trust Mom's scale, but from when I first weighed on it I'm down another 3#'s. I've been keeping busy and trying to stay on my feet as much as possible, drinking 60oz of water a day (usually flavoured with ginger), and eating plants.

I did find my thoughts straying to food a little bit yesterday. While at the store I had to talk myself out of a bakery roll, and then had to consciously divert my thoughts from looking for something else, anything else, to curb the craving to 'cheat'. I even began a mental list of those things I would eat once my 100 days were up and then cut myself short. Of course I will want to eat something I have deprived myself of during this program, but I can cross that bridge when I come to it. For now my thoughts are about how I want to feel in my clothes, actually about what I want to feel about living in my own skin for heaven's sake. Wouldn't pride be better than despair? Confidence better than hiding away? I want to feel like me, the me I was when I could water ski  and go dancing, and sit comfortable in non-stretch jeans all day and not have to change into sweats to be comfortable upon reaching home after work. I want to be able to go hiking with my bow and know I'm not going to fall over from a stroke or heart attack!

I want to discover see what a young, healthy and vibrant 58 I am under this layer of protection I've built up over the years. And very most of all I want to be the Grama A can be proud of when we go to recitals, and social events, and graduations, and family pictures. I want to be there for all of those things, and that is so much more important than a crummy bakery roll.

Back to the present! My bean soup made a delicious dinner last night, along with a small salad of that green mix that looks like it's full of weeds with some vegan ranch and a serving of sunflower seeds. (OMG - just back from shooing off a cat that the blue jay out back was yelling at - sqwak sqwak sqwak! There must be a nest given the low flyover he\she gave me out there yesterday and it is on our agenda to go buy peanuts today.) Back to the soup, I chopped up a whole head of kale to wilt into the pots once they were ready. Pots plural because Mom doesn't cook anymore and has given away off of her big pots and even the sauce pans! I had to use two saute pans and it was quite the shuffling act but I got it done. Yay me, now there are five containers of soup in her freezer for her to have later when I am gone; I worry about her nutrition, but gave up years ago making suggestions. Who wants to listen to the fat lady? So adding 'setting a good example for my Mom' to my list of motivations above. And my daughter - she is following the current Paleo craze right now, which has it's merits just as all the high protein diets do, but bottom line there are thousands (per Dr. Fuhrman) of studies now linking high protein with disease (cancers and heart) and I need to steer her towards a more moderate protein intake while keeping intact her aversion to processed foods.

Which is why I am loving Orenda's new weightloss plan - it supports Pollen's food mantra, "Eat food, not too much, mostly plants."  I highly recommend his book, In defense of Food.

On my Burn days I have a plethora of choices for my lean protein that don't include animals. Seeds are probably the leanest, lentils may be the 'go to' for healthiest? And beans just plain fill me up while being delicious in all the many ways we can fix them. Like my soup last night!

I'm still continuing to add greens to my shake each day, it makes a huge difference in keeping me full and satisfied, adding body and richness and variety to the shake. Never underestimate the power of a carrot top! When it gets hotter out I'll add frozen spinach, or frozen blueberries, to add a nice icy touch to the shakes; the possibilities are endless. And once the 100 days is over keeping green smoothies on the table will be easy, they were already a good habit :)

I think breakfast this morning will be kiwi's, there are a couple of sad ones that are begging to be eaten, and I'll pick up some more oranges when we venture out to the store for peanuts to bribe the blue jay.

I'm loving that Candice won American Idol - what a great show it was last night with all the guest performers pairing up with contestants. And me on the couch chewing away on my lemon meringue pie sugar free gum! While I am not hungry in the evenings, ridding myself of the habit of snacking is still a conscious effort, and the chewing helps.

Family is stopping by today to say hello. Here I am within an hours distance of several friends I would like to see and I didn't even let them know I am here. What a bad friend I am - I am embarrassed for myself that I have let my weight reinforce my unnatural tendencies towards living the life of a hermit. While I love the quiet of puttering at home, I equally love entertaining and visiting with friends, and I am missing that balance in my life - so adding those to the list too. Maybe I'll even add a lover back into the mix at some point, but H still fills those parts of my head and heart and I imagine it will be a while before I am ready to go there.

On to another good day! I think I will start by fixing my crazy socal hair and head out front to dead head the geraniums while listening to my audio book, which is probably my best tool for staying on my feet at the moment. Yay, another vacation day!

I can't seem to find a natural rhythm;  whether to write in the morning about the day before or in the evening about the current day. It seems there is always something to draw me back to the keyboard during the course of a day no matter which I choose.

But since I really just wanted to vent a moment about being treated like a four year old I will curb most of my frustrated words and take a deep breath and accept it for what it is. I know I am smart, not stupid at the very least, but I wish that fact was as apparent to those around me as it is to me. So maybe I am the delusional one! Big sigh, another deep breath; two more days to visit with Mom, to make another dent in the yard, to share a quiet moment with cups of tea. Two more days until I drive home - I will make them good ones.

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