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Sunday, May 19, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 7/30

Yesterday was spectacular. Warm, breezy in the afternoon, and filled with moments of grace. For the first time in seven years I was able to set about a task without the ear buds in and a story going. I had driven to and from work this way one day a week or so ago, but yesterday was different. I was in the middle of rinsing off a tray of beautiful rocks collected by my grandfather, enjoying the sun and the water running over my hands, when I realized I was listening to the birds. The obnoxious cawing of big crows or ravens to be sure, but the point was my shuffle was sitting inside on my nightstand instead of being clipped about my body somewhere. It has been such a permanent fixture, and I hadn't even thought of attaching it to my suit when I changed to come out to the patio to work. I've been trying to get out in the sun an hour or so each day to get some colour back and cover up my office pallor. The freedom I felt in that moment of realization was so powerful; I sat there feeling full of grace and release. For that moment everything was okay, even Joey being gone, and I luxuriated in it.  There I was, handling the rocks my grandfather had collected, thinking about my little boy who was never happier than when he was sitting in a sunny patch digging in the dirt, and I was just me again - a girl in her swimsuit sitting in the sun washing off rocks.

Growing up summers at Lake Arrowhead I would be the last one up from the beach at the end of the day; laying in the shallow water and picking through all the small pebbles at the shoreline that had been rubbed smooth by the constant polishing of the waves rolling over them. Seeking out the fools gold and sparkly quartz by the dock is a moment of happiness I have returned to often in my life. In the blink of an eye I can travel back 50 years and feel that moment as if it were yesterday; the warm water lapping along the length of my body, the coolness of the air on my face and shoulders, the coloured rocks brushing against my fingertips as I search for the perfect one to take up to the house. And then my Mom yelling down the path from the house perched on the hill above, "Anne Vail, come up to dinner" ..."right now please."  I made a new memory yesterday, and will long remember this new combination of sun, water and rocks. But the trigger to remembering all of that will be the feeling that came with it, the release from constant worry and the peace that flowed through me, and the knowledge that I really was okay, and going to be okay.

Mom and I shared a wonderful chopped salad full of yellow patty pan squash, sunflower sprouts, weeds, avocado, white carrot, radishes, celery and sliced up red, orange and yellow peppers out on the patio and admired all the work we (I) have accomplished this past week. It was still warm, with a lovely breeze, and the perfect day to sit and enjoy our dinner outside. We puttered a little more fussing at details and planning what might be my final project before leaving for Home on Monday, then headed inside to our various pursuits. Watermelon for dessert at 7 and then to bed at 9 to read a little. (She has the Nevada Barr collection and I have never read the first one in the series, another treat!)

Program update: I actually remembered to take all three Burn capsules yesterday, and it did remove the desire to snack last night as I suspected it would. I also have to give it credit for the post dinner puttering, the evening shower, and being able to read in bed for an hour. I never felt jittery or anxious, I just had the energy to keep getting things done.  Wonderful!

I have one more Burn day then a Clean day to drive back up North. And even though I don't intend to weigh in until day 41, I know I won't be able to resist an unofficial peek at the scale Tuesday morning. Even Mom has noticed that there is less of me than when I arrived! I already have my snacking veggies ready for the drive home, and yesterday I picked up apricots to have for breakfast - the first of the season! And they are calling me from the kitchen, so I am off to enjoy breakfast on the patio!

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