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Monday, May 6, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: Day 4

Snuck a peek, down 2lbs. this morning! 

What a day. Product first, revelations to follow.

The morning's Clean and Burn kept my hunger at bay until about 11am, then I just kept drinking my water until time for my 2nd Burn at 11:30, then the Shape shake at noonish (kale and apple blended in). More water during the afternoon (I packed 3x20oz. bottles to take to work) and then my 3rd Burn as I left for home at 4pm. I forgot to pack a snack for the way home and not trusting myself to go to the store feeling a little hungry I finished my water and waited for home to grab a banana. Once done here I'll fix some raw veggies to have later in case I need something - I know it's better to have something on hand and ready if the urge hits rather than fumbling around in the fridge and maybe happening upon something tempting but off program. Anyway, as usual I am off on a tangent to my original intent.

A couple of thoughts. First about the initial ten days to fast start the weight loss. It's important, both to strengthen resolve and to fortify belief in what you are doing. I saw results this morning and because of it I am more determined than ever that this is the plan I have been waiting for. I feel good, I'm not starving, and I have the support to make important decisions like I did this afternoon. I can't remember the last time I drove home from work without eating something, good or bad, and not feeling panicky. Which will eventually bring me to my second thought. (I had to come back and edit that sentence after rambling around for a bit in the next paragraph.)

I didn't have an audiobook to listen to for the commute to and from work. I intended to, but the CD I had brought with me to listen to was an MP3 CD and it wouldn't play in the car stereo. As I was already on the road when I discovered this I thought about returning home, but because of the time I didn't. Instead I turned on the radio and spent some time reprogramming the stations. I know this doesn't sound like a big deal, but I've had one audiobook or another plugged in for about six years now while driving; I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts, not for a minute. Not Ever. But today something was different, and I was able to remain calm and accept the situation. Maybe it's the meds and the new found balance of moods that I think has resulted lately, but I think the small bit of confidence in myself that I felt this morning had something to do with it also. And here finally, from the drive home while listening to music instead of a story, is the actual thought that brought me to my keyboard; Now that we are separated I am happier thinking about H and how it could have been between us than I was when we were living together and forever depressed because I knew it could be something wonderful if we could just figure it out. I know I will wonder for a long time how we could have fixed what was wrong, but no matter what the majic ingredient might have been it always would have started with us actually loving ourselves first. And I think that was missing for both of us.

Maybe that is the 'something different' that kept me on the road this morning. Maybe that's what really prompted me to check my old Orenda email, and see the new product notice, and jump online to order the CleanBurnShape program without a second thought. 

Maybe my heart is beginning to thaw a little bit towards myself.

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