The girl stood on the gate swinging slightly to and fro wishing she could just.go.back. Where, exactly, was not as clear as the feeling that she should be there instead of here, but she knew for certain that she remembered it as bright and calm and satisfying in a way that this world would never be. Why did she have to be here, why did she have to be doing this. Not that she didn't love her family, and her summers at the Lake, and the pretty dresses her mother sewed for her, but the social obligations were killing her. Having pictures taken, going to school, helping with the dishes. And she knew she was looking at a life filled with all kinds of interruptions and irritations just like these were but more so. Had she really picked this? What an odd thought she mused. Then her brother was there demanding her presence for the Easter photo. Everyone was ready but her and he had been sent to gather in the stray sheep. So she went, admiring her white patent leather shoes and the bounce of her hair on her shoulders as she headed resignedly over to their grand-parents house next door. She might have been 8 or 9 at the time, it was hard to remember.
I go back to this memory every so often; it's from my childhood but also tied to the day Joey died and I felt him open a door from somewhere else to let me know he was okay; both direct experiences of the great 'unknown'. I am blessed, some never feel this this connection. And no, it matters not if they were coping mechanisms or accurate observations, for me they were absolute truths. And for some reason today I am dwelling in the feelings those experiences invoked, and a bit more than a little embarrassed that I have not stepped up to meet whatever this challenge is that is facing me. That I have been complaining about in one way or another most of my life. Typically my wisdom comes from books, and today I was reminded by Cassandra Clare (Mortal Instruments) that steel is forged in fire, and that I have an organic obligation to not only abstain from giving up, but to actually thrive and be empowered by my failures. So after hearing this I could do naught but make good choices, while keeping my temper down and my thoughts positive. It would seem an upward spiral may have commenced, and I desperately wish it so.
In that light, it is time to go make a dinner more healthy than not.
I've kept busy all prevening into evening; stopping at the store on the way home from work for supplies and then getting dinner ready for my softball crew of three. I had my own dinner, and then after a few games of solitaire went back out and cleaned up the kitchen. Rotating the dishes, drying and putting away one load and setting the next to start. M and A are watching Big Hero 6, and as soon as it's over it will be time for teeth, PJ's and getting tucked in for the night. All of us!
It was a really busy day at work for me with half our department out and one whose body was there but who disappeared into her phone ALL day. Literally. Okay, there was the hour and three quarters that she was gone for lunch that I can't account for, but maybe she actually got in 1-2 hours of work today while I went from one thing to the next covering for the other two. Of course I couldn't have asked for help, I am much too passive aggressive for that. Not that I feel martyred, just super disappointed that our partnership hasn't worked out, and the time has come to say something to my boss since trying to get through to her hasn't worked. Very sad. My review is coming up at the end of the Month, and I am thinking about what exactly to say. It will kill any ties of friendship I have, but I have tried and tried and can't get her on board. Her personal life comes first and it always will - her right to make that choice, I can't deny that - but the negative impact on the department needs to be mended. I don't want to lose two good workers because of one uninterested one.
Time for some tylenol pm, I can't take three sleepless nights in a row!
breakfast: decaf, sausage biscuit
lunch: Amy's Organic cheese enchilada w\ avocado on a bed of power greens and a spoon of organic sr cream. Oh, and lots of fresh cilantro mixed in too.
Dinner: leftover St Paddy's day veggies and freshly made garlic bread
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