Another warm day. Another struggle to 'put together an outfit' for work. I have lots of XL summer tops, all too tight right now, and I think about all of the Springs I have sorted through my clothing planning to thin out my wardrobe until there are only two sizes; maybe 12's and 14's. Dream away big girl. The funny thing is I still believe this will happen. I still have it in my head that someway and some how I will get back into my XL's and then finally back into mediums. There is no doubt, I know it for a fact.
My mood is once again improving; adding flax and seeds and greens back into my daily diet is doing it's work. I just need to keep building on that. No big plans, no expansive tracking sheets, just the hope that I can be devoted to making healthy choices most of the time. Unlike my cheese sandwich last night. Grrrr. It was one of those moments I was expecting to disappear now that I have been on the thyroid meds for a month; like someone else was making the sandwich and oh, here it is, I may as well eat it!
I wonder sometimes if there was a psychotic break years ago between Anne and Vail and these are the personalities that constantly battle inside of me. I am just about the start listening to the third book of the Dark Materials trilogy, and I can't help but associate this split as me and my daemon. Neither bad nor good, just another aspect of myself. But always some type of duality going on, whether it's little angels and devils on my shoulders, or my inner athlete yelling at me while my calm pisces center yearns for meditation and oceansides and forest hiking. And here "I" am in limbo listening to no one, and actually working hard towards nothing as I try every day to lean into a positive cycle of nutrition and movement that will miraculously heal my assorted wounds and injuries both physical and mental, real and perceived.
So that is my request of the universe today; let me be driven, let me act on my own behalf, let me care and take strides to prove myself worthy of more than I am settling to be right now. Head back, arms held wide, hands facing towards the heavens, deep breaths in and then slowly out as I slowly let the universe fill me with light and calm and determination.
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Dinner was a BLT. A huge slice of tomato, two slices of uncured bacon, whole grain bread, the small half of an avocado, lettuce and mayo. Divine, and a nod to lots of nutrition too. Whole grains, healthy fat, a bit of green - that's me, focus on the positive, forget the bacon and mayo and move on. And it was a serving, not a binge. God I'm bad. Moving on.
So a little sugar in the processed foods for dinner, but not much. No candy from work, no sugar in my decaf, only fruit and nuts (brazil/cashew mix) for snacks. I know now that I will never be the girl who would grab three or four fun size chocolate bars from the counter and take them back to her desk to snack on during AP day. I haven't touched those since January. I'm not making any promises for halloween, but the idea of gorging on chocolate is...sickening actually. I have a candy bar of dark organic chocolate in the kitchen for when I really want the chocolate, but I think the days of ooey gooey little candy bars is gone. Have you ever read the ingredients? Ugh.
I know staying away from the processed sugar can only help, and I'm not stopping after tomorrow. I will probably stop tagging my posts as Sugar Detox, but just continue the practice until it's habit, and my confessions come less and less as I adapt.
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