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Wednesday, December 3, 2014

More early morning thoughts on how to live a life

Shane McConkey - I watched this movie yesterday afternoon and was just glued to the tv. That's me, living vicariously through another's adventure. This is one human who really had a bead on living. Elizabeth Gilbert once wrote something like, our human experience is how god lives through our hands ... okay had to google and find it - here it is, Anyway,  my point is that the universe should be filled with more like Shane who really connect with the environment on a personal level, who really live their mortal life with such joy. It seems that he got it, got that we are here to live and not just exist. He is my balance in life, I have become a sitter. I would rather be a doer.

I was pulled out of bed this morning needing to see his memorial eagle up in Squaw Valley. Needing to stay with the energy and idea of who he was and what his daughter is doing and how his wife is faring. I love her bravery and how she loves and supports him even though he has moved on to 'the next beautiful place'. And I can't help but compare him to Joey, and wish that same drive and sense of adventure could have steered him away from his untimely end. But Shane had it in his blood from his parents. And here I am back at square one blaming myself for something that was not mine to control. But I could have been a better influence, I could have lived as a better example. Damn I hate the truth. Damn damn damn and damn.

And not a better example for him, but a better example of me. I was always so sure growing up that I was a 'good' person. There is still a kernel of that in me - I think that is what I refer to when I mention getting my 'muchness' back - like Alice did in Wonderland. But I have never had a dream to follow; well, my writing, but you can hardly call this writing. Maybe that is still to come and this is the work. I could deal with that.

Yes, I have a rich fantasy life.

So riding the edge of guilt this morning, and yearning for that perfect wave to take me forward to find myself. To make choices that will lead me to that inner kernel of perfection that I know I am, that I know each of us can be in our own way. I had an interesting conversation with J last week about loving things. That when you love something you don't have to work at it, you just do it because you love it and it doesn't matter if it happens to be hard work. It would just pull you along begging for your time and attention and then you would become great at it and the universe would find a way to reward you for it.

Sherry McConkey (his wife) said in an interview that Shane would prepare for hours before each jump, that the camera never caught how much he put into research but only filmed the actual event. I think she wanted us to know how hard he worked at gaining his joy. But I still envy him, that he knew what he wanted and went after it. Because when you love something that much it isn't work, it's living, and we should all do more of that.

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