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Thursday, March 14, 2013

Little heartaches

The thing about decluttering, downsizing, and attempting to thin out one's baggage is that you tend to stumble across...memories. Your heart trips over those that are painful and gloms on to those that bring joy. Present tense. Feeling something now makes it real all over again; the good, the bad and the ugly. If you don't let yourself dwell time can temper a past moment into just that - history. But if you let yourself fall then you bring that moment back alive and what difference does it then make if it was then or is now. Not much.

I remember holding my children and knowing those moments for the gift they were. They were my escape from situations beyond my control; my anchor to love and knowing who I was and giving me a reason to try my best. As it turns out that wasn't quite good enough but that is another story that I have recapped enough in this particular piece of work.

This morning I am thinking about Joey, and last night I dreamt about him after going through some of his things in my futile attempt to clear out my office so I can make it a safe haven amidst the adventure that is about to become my new life. A change that I instigated, I remind myself daily. And while I remember the determination of that moment when I snapped and said enough, the niggling little doubts are trying to creep their way in. Especially now that I am in the mechanics of making it happen. What have I done? The right thing, I tell myself. And I believe it.

How scattered my thoughts this morning, I will type anything other than the emotions that drew me to write. Fear of losing a little more of Joey as I try to clear out his things. Trepidation at the thought of missing H when he is really gone. Anxiety linked to letting go of the clutter I have surrounded myself with. And excitement when I look past this necessary labour to the love that will replace these things as my family comes to share my home.

What was the movie..."One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode"...Ah yes! Ron in one of the Harry Potter movies. Thank you J.K. Rowling.

But I did get 2 boxes packed last night, and I will get another two packed tonight. I haven't been able to sort out anything to actually get rid of yet. But I will. I will draw the line between saving memorabilia and being a pack rat. I will.

Dinner last night: Hot Mess Wedges from JITB  Breakfast & Lunch were juice. How's that for balance! I forgot the toll packing would take on my back, so I need to cut back on juicing (lots of prep involved) and figure out healthy fast food. Maybe I can just drink my way through this with prepared juices. Not ideal, but it would solve the whole dirty dishes and food prep problem while I pack. 

I'm off to make a green smoothie and hit the daily grind, my thoughts full of J and R and reminders of how blessed I am.

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