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Saturday, March 30, 2013

Calm, Cool & Collected

Last night passed without fireworks or fanfare. Two tired, aching, abused bodies each  spiraling in their own orbit. Business as usual, we have always done that, and I think that all of our problems were just symptoms of that core fact. I am not trying to disparage our relationship; we had something very special together and I will always hold that close in my heart. But I needed, need, something more. Trust me, I am the first one to laugh when I see a couple all matchy matchy, like they are clones. But I am also the first one to turn green with envy when I see a couple working together with a common goal.

So today he packs up the U-Haul and away go the mattresses we shared. Also going are the washer & dryer and living room furniture. The house will feel different this evening, and I am sure I will also feel somewhat empty. But the weeks ahead will be full of cleaning, different furniture, and a new life. There will not be time to mope. And this morning I am not morose at all. Not dreading anything. Instead I remain calm, cool & collected and ready for the next chapter in my life. Lets see.

Reader (or, the great disappearing act)
Mountain Girl
Moving to San Francisco
Swing years
Speed & Harley
Motherhood (favorite)
Divorce & Costa
Shooting with H (archery - next favorite)
Disability (next least favorite)
Losing Joey (least favorite)
The Rift

I don't know the title of this next chapter, I will have to save that task until I have a better perspective on the subject, but with a four year old involved I imagine that 'bedlam' will be in there somewhere. What I do know is that I am ready for this change, that I made the right decision, and that whatever comes I will embrace it. Because it is my life, and today I am choosing this path with hope and love and determination. And yes, when I am complaining about no privacy or hot water I will remember this feeling. 

I am on the road to recovering my muchness, and while I will miss the future I once dreamed about having with H, I will not despair over losing it. Instead we will forge something new, and I hope and pray that there will be archery in there too. A small part of me is dead inside without that. I just want us to both have happier lives, and given my series of unfortunate events and our duel propensity for depression it just wasn't happening together despite the love. I will miss him so much, but with grace, not remorse. I have read many times in different ways that people come into our lives to teach us something, to bring meaning, and while I have yet to distill the lessons, I am grateful we had the journey.

One life, many chances to choose how we live it.

One hour later update: Went to take H to pick up the moving truck in my slippers, took ten minutes at the store to pick out two flavours of soda, forgot the beer, and if not for the kind young man who was arriving as I was leaving would have left my wallet in the grocery cart. So maybe just a little discombobulated...

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