10-6-19 232.6 Started listening to Bright Line Eating and immediately cut flour and sugar
3-28-20 211.4 Completed 24 weeks of BLE,. But flour and sugar are creeping back into my life
Total weight loss 21.2 pounds.
Findings: I feel better when I abstain completely from flour and sugar. The pizza and candy from last night instigated inflammation in my hands this morning so badly that I could barely make a fist with my right hand and impairing normal function. As in not being able to brush my hair.
I also feel better when I don't snack in the middle of the night; mornings when I wake up remembering a midnight foray into the kitchen and eating cookies in bed leave me feeling...more than disappointed, dirty or infected may be better adjectives.
My ideas of eating clean have shifted. I still know that eating for nutrition has great value, but now it is more about what not to eat, and how miraculous our bodies really are when it comes to processing 'food' and the direct result seen in every aspect of our well being or lack thereof. So it all goes back to what I heard all the time in my high school days, we really are what we eat.
At the time there was no weight (no pun intended but enjoyed) behind the sound bite, but now I see clearly the truism that was being touted about. For someone who once thought of herself as smart, I really wasn't. Introverted in many ways as I grew from childhood to a young adult, I missed seeing important connections. Not just about food, but about life in general. And I think that one of the biggest perks of eliminating flour and sugar at this late stage of my life is a better brain. Being able to think more clearly, have more confidence, be a better person.
I am excited about the next six months, and being at least another 20 pounds lighter come the next Holiday season. I am happy about setting an example for the family, showing them that eating without flour and sugar has not meant deprivation but rather delicious meals and increased energy. I sleep better when eating on plan, and wake up easier. I have given up coffee with the exception of an occasional cup of decaf or half cup of regular if it's the weekend and the kids haven't finished their half carafe that is brewed each morning.
And I've only touched on the plan, I haven't been consistent with the other important components - specifically a daily meditation and regularly committing to what I will eat the next day. What I have been doing is making sure there are choices available; meals prepared, weighed, and packed ready to consume. Currently in the fridge are containers of oatmeal, roasted veggies, proteins ready to cook, and a plastic bin of chopped veggies ready to add to salads. The food scale lives on the kitchen counter and at a moments notice I can have a Bright Line meal ready - breakfast, lunch, or dinner. But I have fallen into the habit of deciding what to eat in the morning instead of the night before. Sometimes I choose what to eat at mealtime without planning ahead at all. I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing, but it isn't complying with the heart of the plan - committing the night before and stimulating the automaticity portion of re-wiring the brain.
Susan likes to say there are no rules, no BLE police, that we each find our own way within the science and guidelines she has presented. The important part is drawing bright lines against flour, sugar, snacks, and quantities. The rest is up to us, being aware of what works and where we need to draw other bright lines. What feels addictive to one person is no big deal to another. I am personally thankful for Triscuits. So thankful that I decided to forego them for a week to see if I could, and it was no big deal. I think they are just 'easy' compared to cooking a grain so while commuting to work they are an easy 'go to' breakfast grain.
My biggest challenge was no snacking. The first few months were great, because I did snack a bit here and there because it was the holidays and there was always my saboteur lurking on my shoulder and encouraging me to celebrate with family by eating our traditional holiday appetizers. And I continued to lose weight. I think a part of me recognized that maybe for me I could snack a little and 'get away with it'. Well that was a big lie!
For years I have known about the two mystical beings that sit on my shoulders, thinking of them as an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, or sometimes one as Anne (the athlete) and the other as Vail (somehow damaged). Now I know it's my brain, battling for and against addiction. And I have a new visual of those mystical beings - as wolves. You know the story, it's everywhere - 'the wolf you feed becomes strong and wins' or something like that.
While 'feeding' my good wolf sounds counter productive in this instance, it isn't. Nourishment comes in many forms, and treating myself well, being kind and respectful towards myself, these are nourishment, these are feeding the good wolf. And when I treat myself well I do feel my good wolf becoming stronger, so to say. The arguments that once plagued me are fewer now. Sometimes because I just don't care, but mostly because I just do the next right thing.
This all sounds very positive given how I have struggled the past month to simply maintain my 20 pound loss. But I think as part of a learning experience this past month as been very eye opening. I know for sure now that I am better if I don't eat flour or sugar. That it is easier to do this if I don't snack at all. And of course I have been reminded very strongly that one cookie is not enough, and that a thousand wouldn't satisfy me. Not Oreo's, not girl scout cookies. Not freshly baked chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven. Just the thought makes me a little ill right now, that I was sliding, sliding, sliding down a slippery slope. But I will not go quietly! I will fight, and I will win.
Because of the science. Because knowledge is power, and now that I know I can't not know.
So the first thing I did this morning after weighing myself was have a real cup of coffee, with oat cream and turbinado sugar, and a slice of cold leftover pizza. Favorite Breakfast Ever. Better than pancakes with lemon drizzle, better than buttered toast and sausage, just my all time favorite, probably forged over a quarter century of working in the pizza industry and having left over pizza in the house constantly. So still celebrating with food. It may take years to rid myself of that, but as long as what I am celebrating in the meanwhile is losing weight, I can live with that.
Bright Lines back in place starting now, so that I can start regaining my self respect, and continue on my journey to a right sized body. And to a life worth living, because I was barely surviving before. I very rarely look back in this blog as it's painful to see the years of struggle. I know there are many good things here, and I do value those memories, but in each one there is a shadow lurking that kept me from being truly happy. Now that shadow has a name, addiction, and I look forward to a future without it. One day at a time, one bright line at a time.
May my successes always be more than my failures. May I show good actions instead of good intentions. And above all my gratitude this morning for always getting back up, for believing at my core that I can be better, and do better. For believing I am worthy.
PS Word just in that all of C's lab work came back negative for viruses (COVID-19 included). Looks like his body was just worn out trying to battle an ear and mucus infection. Hopefully they come home today. Thank Heavens.
No comments:
Post a Comment