Surviving a perfect storm

Part of C's treatment is having a periodic lumbar puncture; there is a barrier between our circulatory system and spinal fluid, so in addition to his regular treatment, chemo is inserted directly into the spinal canal. We don't outwardly stress about it, we keep positive thoughts, but on days he is in for this treatment I wait to hear that he's okay and that they're on the way home. I look at the clock more frequently, I check my phone, I wait. And the relief that comes when the text finally arrives is so welcome.

Part of C's treatment is that sometimes he has no appetite, or only wants certain foods. There was one week where it felt like all he ate were animal crackers. And the doctor's make no bones about this, he needs to eat, he needs the energy to fight a good fight. So what ever he will eat is the right choice in that moment. Sometimes it's turkey pepperoni, sometime noodles, and of course sometimes pizza. That was last week, and when I was running errands Sunday I picked him up a cheese pizza from a local restaurant because he had finished the last we had at home. And he didn't want it. He is very vocal about his likes and dislikes, sometime gagging at the site  or smell of an unwanted snack or meal. Sometimes asking for something and then never taking a bite.

So let's put those two things together; leftover cheese pizza in the fridge and a day riddled with a bit more stress than usual - then I get home tired and hungry. But I stayed true to my bright lines. I heated up a large cup of veggie, lentil soup and ate about half before heading back into the kitchen to nuke some potatoes. I finished my soup while they were cooking (small new potatoes that cook fast) and after they were done I sliced them up and made 'french fries'. But these were organic potatoes, cooked in Avocado oil, and patted dry afterwards to get rid of any excess oil. And I weighed them so that my serving was 4oz. And I used a no sugar added ketchup. And then I chose a banana for my fruit, because I knew that if I didn't load up on starch I would be back in the fridge for a slice of leftover pizza later.
 
I know I won't be having that slice later. That I am well prepared. And Calvin napping on the couch is a reminder of one of the reasons I want to heal my brain and get strong and healthy - so I can be here for him and the rest of the family for years to come.

Drawing bright lines between myself and the things that will hurt me has become a no-brainer; a very easy thing to say while I am full and sated. I know for sure I will be fighting later this evening when everyone has gone to bed, and I can't sleep, and the pizza is calling me.

Let it call, I won't be answering.