Yesterday was a little off, but not a disaster. It began with me packing breakfast and lunch then hitting the road for the court house. First I went to the wrong courthouse (because that's how I roll), hitting traffic and finally passing a downed motorcyclist. That was disconcerting; no emergency vehicles yet, just a body in the road and a couple of parked cars helping out. Luckily the starting time at the correct location was half an hour later and a half hour's drive away; I made it just in time after struggling to find parking and irritated almost beyond containment. Sometimes I reach a point of frustration and my flight instincts kick in strong, but I stayed. I wasn't giving up after trying so hard to get there. I signed in, watched the video, and was called. At Jury selection I was dismissed because the estimated time just to present the evidence was ten days. How pathetic that at my age I can't afford to miss a single paycheck. What can I say, it's been a challenging year, and I didn't have much to start with.
Breakfast was rice cakes with peanut butter and a banana. My current favorite. I had packed a salad with cheese for my protein and an apple for lunch, but of course there's a story. Arriving for work at noon after my dismissal there was no close parking, I forgot my lunch bag in the car and didn't want to hike out after it. I did have a container of bean soup in the office fridge, and supplemented it with veggies from the potluck to round out my lunch. Dinner was leftover meatloaf, and I think corn and a salad but I'm fuzzy right now and can't really remember. More on that later. I do remember that about 11pm I was 'starving' and had more meatloaf - a definite broken line. I hadn't able to sleep, and I think that I needed the weight of the food to fall asleep. But no flour or sugar.
I didn't even think about the broken line this morning. I got up, made my Bright Line breakfast, packed my Bright Line lunch, and headed off to work knowing exactly what I would be having for dinner when I returned home in the evening. I planned what I would eat, and ate it. No flour, no sugar, no snacking. Back on track without missing a beat.
So about not remembering dinner clearly; I was really tired after being distraught most of the day. C is having a really hard time with this treatment phase and we hold him a lot. Cuddle him a lot. Try to distract him. We know he isn't feeling well, and it wears on all of us. I remember us sitting on my bed playing Legos - he loves the small pieces, a whole bag of miscellaneous parts left over from his sister- and I remember sitting together watching paw patrol. But I don't remember eating dinner. I know I must have, but the details are beyond me at the moment.
This makes me think about an old trick, or tool if you will, that I have used before. If I couldn't remember exactly everything I had eaten during the day, it meant I ate too much. I realize now that I wasn't snacking then, it was too hard to remember and I didn't want to have to log my food. While snacking on the weekends has always been a given, I rarely would snack at work. It's only been this last year that the team has all been snacking. Partly stress, partly group mentality. I snapped at them today, explaining about our 15 minutes of will power and how everytime I see the box of donuts I have to decide not to eat one and to PLEASE PUT THEM AWAY. Sigh.
Tonight I am tired. And a little disappointed that I am not feeling more energetic yet. On a happier note, I fit into last year's winter pants this morning. It was too cold to put on the Capris I've been wearing since Spring (California girl) so I pulled out some leggings from last year and they fit. Several other pairs also fit, and it felt good. I know that XXL isn't a great size, but it's better by far than a triple X!!
Baby steps. Go me.
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