Saturday was my turn to crash. I did get up and make A eggs and bacon for breakfast, and transport her to and from a b-day party for the 'rents, and make a quick trip to the library with an overdue book. Oh, and had a quick manicure to trim and shape my unusually (for me) long nails. The thyroid meds? Anyway, a full morning followed by an afternoon on the couch; sometimes watching a movie with A and other times catching up on recorded shows. But I didn't clean or putter or anything. Just felt immobilized, which I hate and should have fought against, but the nature of being stuck is that one doesn't realize one is until later. I believe the defining moment was when A and I decided that we needed root beer floats and acted upon the compulsion. The input of HFCS and dairy laid me out rather quickly and I was nodding off on the couch, feeling drugged and overcome with fatigue.
I know that in the past I would 'binge' on carbs to intentionally induce a coma like state so I could disappear; my refuge from life, from stress, from grief. But this particular incidence was unpremeditated, and being clear enough of mind to notice the rapid effects was sort of like watching a science experiment. I don't want to do that again, I would rather feel more in control and get things done. I like accomplishing tasks, and I hate feeling like a couch potato, but that is easy to say when not in the thralls of a sugar\dairy coma.
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Now it is Sunday, the end of the vacation, and I have no real plans. Well, a few small ones; juice, prep salad and veggies for the upcoming week's lunches, declutter my room, and do some prep work around the roses out front so they retain what little water they are getting. I am missing my summer colour, but I suppose it is more important to keep the trees alive at this point.
I am remembering A boogie boarding and smiling, remembering loving the air and wind at the beach, the comfort of having my sister close as we basked in the sun and played with A in the water. And paddling about in Mom's pool while we enjoyed A showing off her canon balls, and chatting while she was snorkeling about creating an underwater rainbow kingdom; later she would dub us Queens two and three of her new magical playground. It has been good, and I have another August trip to look forward to, and another beach day with D and the kids this time. I will so love watching them seeing their daughter A diving across the incoming ocean waves. Today I will not let sugar sidetrack my good mood.
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Evening has found me having accomplished very little. I broke a sweat cleaning up the kitchen, then juiced enough for myself and R; I even cleaned the juicer when I was done. A big crisp salad was lunch, and new potatoes cooked in veggie broth with a bowl of frozen mixed veggies thrown in at the end was dinner - oh yes, and a healthy scoop of sour cream stirred in at the very end. let's not forget that rich and satisfying addition. While I have been enjoying greek yogurt, ice cream and sour cream, I have not bought nor used butter in several weeks now. Baby steps. First no sugar in my coffee, and now no butter on my potatoes. With A out of school for the summer we have also not been buying bread, so no cheese sandwiches, or PB&J's at home.
Too much tv this weekend, but after wearing myself out each morning I haven't been able to find the oomph to keep going in the afternoons.
I wish I could say I was looking forward to work in the morning, but I am not. Oh well, "I must pay the rent!" Or mortgage, or whatever. Time to end this quiet evening with tea and pj's.
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