Another Monday (14/30)

Yesterday: Day of Rest

Breakfast: orange/mango/carrot juice from the store
Lunch: chopped salad
Snack: crackers with goat cheese and pepper jam
Dinner: green hash ( potato, corn, beans, peppers sauteed with huge amounts of baby power greens)
Dessert: flour tortilla with honey drizzled on it

I made Captain's Sauce yesterday, it's a tartar sauce with sweet red peppers and jalapenos added to it. I used Veganaise to make it; so expensive to use, but then I thought of all those factory chickens stacked up pumping out eggs and just don't want to buy into the industry. Anyway, I could have made the veganaise, but really wanted this recipe to come out right - the flavour was such a strong memory and I wanted to recreate it without mishap. I put some of it on my hash for dinner and it was ever so good. Today we will pick up fish to have with it, so I am already planning a splurge for dinner tonight. Food has become our table of truce -not that we ever sit at an actual table- and my chair is becoming VERY uncomfortable.

The problem right now is that I am using food to stifle my voice; there are things that I need to say and I just can't propel the words out through my clenched lips. Maybe I should write a letter, at this point that would be more kind than my continued silence. I may 'not care' about much in the big picture, but about this I apparently do or I wouldn't be making myself sick with stress. And as is usual my stress is painted all over my face, I look like a teenager this morning with a huge zit on my chin, and scabbed over cancer sores on my lip. I am literally making myself sick. I have known for a while that the combination of sun and peanuts are a serious invitation to cancer sores, yet last week I kept grabbing handfuls of peanuts for a late night snack and laid out in the sun for short periods 'to get in some D' a couple of times last week. Added to the existing foundation of stress and mixed up with a little caffeine and the recipe was complete - not just one but four of the little bastards erupted on my lower lip. I think the water is helping to clear them out quickly, along with my Immune and Serum, but it's still hard to wear this face to work today. Unfortunately I do not have a spare 'me' mask in the closet, and go I must with my wreckage on display for all to see.

Tomorrow I go to a Dr.'s appointment, and I am thinking I might be in a better place mentally to stay on track after that.  I really need a good standing up and brushing off; what a lovely mental image, standing in the middle of a deserted old west town, whacking myself with a large brimmed hat and plumes of dust retreating in great billowing clouds from my sorrow ridden clothes.

I'd better go stretch and cook and leave this maudlin place I am drawing myself into. No steps counted yesterday; I'll go clip on the Fitbit on my way to the kitchen.