Thursday, January 24, 2013
It has been a long time since I cared about much beyond my family, so today caught me by surprise. We had barely begun our mini seminar when I had a melt down. In front of my department, my boss, our guest. What a nightmare. I had to excuse myself and go take a walk outside. Walking through the parking lot, wiping away tears and feeling all kinds of foolish I just couldn't get a grip. My boss had been riding my ass for a month, every mistake we made landed at my door warranted or not, and I guess all the frustration that I had bottled up for months on end while we tackled this overwhelming project just came bubbling to the surface at this inopportune moment. What a fucking nightmare. But on the bright side, I realized that in order to react so harshly I must actually care about what I was doing, and I will take that as a step forward no matter the dismal circumstances.
But after all was said and done, today it really became clear that I just don't want to be there. That I'm tired of working so hard for absolutely no recognition. That I am a fish out of water. I won't give up, I'll stick it out until things are running right, but I have a feeling that once that happens I will be out of there. I am so tired of being unhappy and unfulfilled; if it weren't for the rest of my team I would go out on disability tomorrow.
Just worn out with sadness tonight, and wondering if I can take a tylenol pm with all the other crap I'm taking. Another day, another big sigh. "God, somebody tell a joke."