4am...again

Another dark morning, my mantra unable to overcome my racing thoughts and carry me back to dreamland. Years ago I had this rule, no wasting my precious time in bed thinking about work, and now it's instinctual; the moment my morning thoughts turn to work my feet hit the ground running. Before I realize what has happened I have left the cozy warmth of my bed and here I sit chilled and quiet, listening to the quiet rustle of Kaylee snuggling into the warm nest I have just abandoned. Good for her, at least one of us gets to enjoy it. Eventually I will make it to the kitchen and put the kettle on for tea, maybe grab a blanket and see what recorded after bed last night, but gone are the days I would immediately log in to Facebook and check my farm(s). I miss that rush of anticipation, the absorption of design. Lord knows the combo of an audio book and farming was the relief I needed from the battering thoughts of Joey that would overwhelm me; I could disappear for a little bit and find a little sanity. But I don't need that anymore, mostly the edge of my grief is gone and I can and do think about him daily without falling apart; the waves are farther and farther apart with each passing year. A friend once said that it wasn't any different than her son being away and incommunicado in the peace core in the jungle on the other side of the world; I pray she never knows the difference.

So  my important and persistent thoughts this morning that drove me out of bed?

I have to stop for gas on the way to work, we have a CPA coming and I have to clean my desk and catch up the filing before she gets there. I need to hit the ATM before work in case we go to lunch, I have nothing nice to wear having once again outgrown my wardrobe. I need to organize my project management sheets before the meeting and mostly I need to get there hours ahead of everyone else and cut cheques early because this two day seminar is going to preclude getting any regular processing done and I don't want to have to go in over the weekend. Blech. How mundane; I could be dreaming about wiggling my toes in a soft warm sandy beach.

Okay, time for my tea and a short morning snuggle with the pooch.