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Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The chore of keeping busy

It's a quiet grey morning, the ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum of my puppy running down the hallway and the clickity clack of my keyboard the only sounds in the house, and I find myself turning inward to join the silence. Sometimes on mornings like these I need to make a list to get going: get dressed, make a smoothie, walk the dog. I miss the AM urgency of getting ready for work, of being busy without effort, of feeling productive naturally. So when I realize I need to get moving sometimes making a list helps. I think I need to work on the garage today and clear a path to the Christmas decor; not that I can afford to keep the Christmas lights on as much as usual, but I think it will make me feel good to get them up. My Mom is coming to visit this year (to see her great granddaughter) and I need to make sure she knows I am okay and that it's Christmas as usual. Why is it always more important to make sure others know we are okay, why do we spend so much energy towards that end? I remember when I was working in SF and flying home for visits in LA and I would whip out my Macy's card and buy a couple of new things to wear home so they would 'see that I was ok.' And here I am ..oh, 35 years later doing practically the same thing. Does this mean I haven't grown up? Or that I had it right at 18 and it's important to put on a good appearance. Maybe not for the reasons originally acted on, but because the first step to being okay is pretending. If you act like a duck....etc etc. Perhaps that is just part of how we create our universe. I was speaking to a friend the other day about the holidays and how it's hard to not feel they are jaded by the commercialism. But it brought to mind a quote, lines spoken by Jodi Foster in the movie Contact.
"Ellie Arroway: Funny, I've always believed that the world is what we make of it."

It's the whole 'Secret' thing, create what you want to live, and I want a happy Christmas - even if some of the time it's just pretend.

1 comment:

G. said...

There is some truth in creating what you want to live. But I'm slowly finding that the fronts that I put up to make other people comfortable with my "OKness" aren't really helpful for me.

I'm finding that looking at myself and who I want to be is the first step. Not caring what others think is the second.

Just me though.

I like your blog. Thanks.