Of mornings and Geese

I haven't been sleeping consistently well, and last night I took some sleepy stuff. Which means I am groggy this morning. Which pisses me off. I am a morning person, or at least I use to be. And I miss it. I miss waking up glad to greet a day full of possibilities.

<---(I found this picture that I took in Sept '07)

There is a gaggle of geese flying by as I type this morning. It's fun to think that the three pictured here may very well be part of that flying formation. The Canadians invaded our golf course several years ago and just never left. Googling an ornithology map it looks like we should only have them in winter, but I know I have seen them while riding my bike in more clement weather. And this year we are apparently in the flight path of their roosting and eating fields. It's wonderful to hear the honking as they fly by, such a happy sound. While out walking last week a few dozen flew right over me in their large Vee, so close to the ground I could see how strong and solid they are - very majestic really. I just love them. So today begins with something I love, a good omen. It's so nice to have something positive to focus on as I start the day, a little reminder that I am still surrounded by small miracles.

Writing of which, I am reminded; a friend sent me an email recently, highlighting the top ten photos from the Hubble Telescope. And in just one of the beautiful pictures of another galaxy, they noted there were more than 8 Billion stars in just that one picture - and at first I felt so small and insignificant, and in the next moment so very rare and special (another ellie arroway ref.) Certainly if we are so special, then each experience should mean something extraordinary, should signify ... something. If I could just figure that part out, maybe I could feel past this loop I am in and start experiencing more of life again. I am a spiritual being having a human experience...I wish I knew why, I wish I could recapture the feeling that it matters. Now I am really rambling, because that brings the memory of being a little girl. I'm swinging on the front gate of our house, dressed so prettily for ...easter? christmas?... anyway, someone comes to get me (I can't remember who) because it's time to take pictures. And I am mad, and I think something along these lines.."Oh bother, why do I have to be here, why do I have to go through all of this again, I wish I could just go back." Such a strong feeling, such a confidence that I came from somewhere better and that this (my current life) is just temporary. So I know, I really do know, but I just haven't been able to care again yet. And I'm tired of not caring. And now I have to tag this as a pity party. Rats. Shake it off, get dressed, get busy, go go go...