Part of C's treatment is having a periodic lumbar puncture; there is a barrier between our circulatory system and spinal fluid, so in addition to his regular treatment, chemo is inserted directly into the spinal canal. We don't outwardly stress about it, we keep positive thoughts, but on days he is in for this treatment I wait to hear that he's okay and that they're on the way home. I look at the clock more frequently, I check my phone, I wait. And the relief that comes when the text finally arrives is so welcome.
Part of C's treatment is that sometimes he has no appetite, or only wants certain foods. There was one week where it felt like all he ate were animal crackers. And the doctor's make no bones about this, he needs to eat, he needs the energy to fight a good fight. So what ever he will eat is the right choice in that moment. Sometimes it's turkey pepperoni, sometime noodles, and of course sometimes pizza. That was last week, and when I was running errands Sunday I picked him up a cheese pizza from a local restaurant because he had finished the last we had at home. And he didn't want it. He is very vocal about his likes and dislikes, sometime gagging at the site or smell of an unwanted snack or meal. Sometimes asking for something and then never taking a bite.
So let's put those two things together; leftover cheese pizza in the fridge and a day riddled with a bit more stress than usual - then I get home tired and hungry. But I stayed true to my bright lines. I heated up a large cup of veggie, lentil soup and ate about half before heading back into the kitchen to nuke some potatoes. I finished my soup while they were cooking (small new potatoes that cook fast) and after they were done I sliced them up and made 'french fries'. But these were organic potatoes, cooked in Avocado oil, and patted dry afterwards to get rid of any excess oil. And I weighed them so that my serving was 4oz. And I used a no sugar added ketchup. And then I chose a banana for my fruit, because I knew that if I didn't load up on starch I would be back in the fridge for a slice of leftover pizza later.
I know I won't be having that slice later. That I am well prepared. And Calvin napping on the couch is a reminder of one of the reasons I want to heal my brain and get strong and healthy - so I can be here for him and the rest of the family for years to come.
Drawing bright lines between myself and the things that will hurt me has become a no-brainer; a very easy thing to say while I am full and sated. I know for sure I will be fighting later this evening when everyone has gone to bed, and I can't sleep, and the pizza is calling me.
Let it call, I won't be answering.
Tuesday, October 15, 2019
Sunday, October 13, 2019
Bright Lines; week 1 in review
This morning was the first time waking up this Autumn, cozy in the warmth of flannel sheets, that I wanted to indulge in the the luxurious feeling of snuggling back into a warm nest instead of rising. The sheer joy of the moment.almost prevailed. Instead my brain gradually began obsessing over the scale and what I would see after my week of bright lines. Of course the siren's call of the scale won.
A bit about scales. I don't like them. I stopped weighing myself about three years ago - the same time I stopped dieting. I was done. Yet somehow the scale has been sitting like an artifact in a museum, taking up real estate in my bathroom, never used and always in need of a good dusting.
This morning is was my friend for a change. And I'm down just a tinch over three pounds. I can't remember that ever happening before, I had made the mistake of weighing in yesterday 'just to see' and the chatter it ignited in my brain was unwelcome. Now part of me wants to put it away for a month, and the argument is that this was a fluke and I need to weigh again next Sunday to make sure this is really happening. Then I can put the scale away for a month. But I have a feeling that the obsessive tendencies of my brain will keep me on the scale for a while to come. What a ridiculous thing to keep thinking about; shutting it down NOW.
The week in review. I think I can't call this Bright Line Eating yet. After listening to the book again I realize just how far off center I am from the program. I went into this knowing I was shooting for maintenance, that I knew myself well enough to avoid the heartache of jumping in full throttle just to be disappointed and end up a depressed blob at the bottom of a pity pool. And I had so much experience on eating for nutrition, that this past week was really just about the bright lines I drew between myself, flour, sugar, and snacking. There is so much more to her plan that I am not doing.
That being said, what I did worked, and I will keep on this path as long as it keeps working. If I get to a point where I'm no longer losing, then I will look more seriously at the details. The one bright line I did not draw was for weighing and measuring. While I am weighing grains, starches, and protein to make sure I am getting enough and not too much, I am counting on my experience for the veggies. I know what a salad should look like and have been making them in the same wooden bowls for years. Lord knows I've weighed enough salads in them. And I'm not measuring my salad dressing, or the oil I use to cook; these are things I can do later if needed or desired. I'm also not sitting at the table to eat, unwilling to give up my dinner date with Star Trek most evenings.
I wasn't interested in being told what to eat, I was interested in healing my brain. I'm invested in getting rid of this addiction and alleviating my depression. And yes, I want my inner athlete back. I want the whole kit and caboodle of Happy, This and Free. So at some point I may be interested in being told what to eat, but for now I will continue what worked last week. Eat for nutrition, bright lines against flour, sugar and snacking, and using my journal for food planning and gratitude.
Go Me..
A bit about scales. I don't like them. I stopped weighing myself about three years ago - the same time I stopped dieting. I was done. Yet somehow the scale has been sitting like an artifact in a museum, taking up real estate in my bathroom, never used and always in need of a good dusting.
This morning is was my friend for a change. And I'm down just a tinch over three pounds. I can't remember that ever happening before, I had made the mistake of weighing in yesterday 'just to see' and the chatter it ignited in my brain was unwelcome. Now part of me wants to put it away for a month, and the argument is that this was a fluke and I need to weigh again next Sunday to make sure this is really happening. Then I can put the scale away for a month. But I have a feeling that the obsessive tendencies of my brain will keep me on the scale for a while to come. What a ridiculous thing to keep thinking about; shutting it down NOW.
The week in review. I think I can't call this Bright Line Eating yet. After listening to the book again I realize just how far off center I am from the program. I went into this knowing I was shooting for maintenance, that I knew myself well enough to avoid the heartache of jumping in full throttle just to be disappointed and end up a depressed blob at the bottom of a pity pool. And I had so much experience on eating for nutrition, that this past week was really just about the bright lines I drew between myself, flour, sugar, and snacking. There is so much more to her plan that I am not doing.
That being said, what I did worked, and I will keep on this path as long as it keeps working. If I get to a point where I'm no longer losing, then I will look more seriously at the details. The one bright line I did not draw was for weighing and measuring. While I am weighing grains, starches, and protein to make sure I am getting enough and not too much, I am counting on my experience for the veggies. I know what a salad should look like and have been making them in the same wooden bowls for years. Lord knows I've weighed enough salads in them. And I'm not measuring my salad dressing, or the oil I use to cook; these are things I can do later if needed or desired. I'm also not sitting at the table to eat, unwilling to give up my dinner date with Star Trek most evenings.
I wasn't interested in being told what to eat, I was interested in healing my brain. I'm invested in getting rid of this addiction and alleviating my depression. And yes, I want my inner athlete back. I want the whole kit and caboodle of Happy, This and Free. So at some point I may be interested in being told what to eat, but for now I will continue what worked last week. Eat for nutrition, bright lines against flour, sugar and snacking, and using my journal for food planning and gratitude.
Go Me..
Friday, October 11, 2019
TGIF
Yesterday I went on about planning ahead and how good it feels to commit and follow through. I then proceeded to lay down for just a moment to watch TV and the next thing I knew I was waking up. So no planning happened, no writing in my journal, and yet I made it through the day. So far. And I say that with all honesty, hoping to get through the evening unscathed. I think because it's Friday. And that's a trigger for me, a much larger one than I realized. The relief of tomorrow being Saturday, the designated dessert night, the family talking about pizza or pancakes for dinner. All just a little overwhelming. Or at least I feel the potential to be overwhelmed, and I'm a little nervous.
I felt so good all week, mostly calm and ready for this change, and able to squeak past a handful of temptations. Tonight I am tired, and not feeling so strong. So on to my day, and thinking about tomorrow, and then an early night.
Daily Food
(b) left over sauteed veggies, hashbrowns, and cheese. Banana
(l) salad with garbanzos. Forgot to eat my apple, it's on my desk.
(d) protein style burger and fries from In-N-Out. Peach
Portions were a bit mixed up, veggies with breakfast made up for those missed at dinner. I ate the burger and fries on the way home; I was so hungry and tired, coupled with the TGIF mentality I made the best decision I could at the time. Once home I chopped up a peach and nuked it for 1.5 minutes - a great dessert.
I want to talk briefly about bright lines, and the ones I have drawn. I haven't joined a boot camp or a 14 day challenge. I haven't see a food plan or done anything but listen to Bright Line Eating and googled online info. There are four lines to draw, and I have drawn three. Flour, Sugar and Snacks. I can envision signing up for a 14 day program, but right now I am focused on the bright lines in front of me that I am determined to keep intact. I haven't committed to eating at the table or weighing and measuring everything. Although I do weigh my proteins, and make veggies the core of my daily food. And I see the value of not eating in the car or in front of the TV. Just not yet. Maybe never. And while those things are on my radar and I'm probably headed that way, I felt the need to explain how I could have eaten dinner in the car, and eaten a meal I didn't plan for and didn't weigh. In-N-Out is about as clean as you can get for fast food; I new there would be no added sugar or flour, and I didn't get ketchup for the fries. No self recriminations, no bad feelings, just the best decision I could make at the moment.
Now I'm focused on getting through the evening without snacking. A bright line I have committed to and refuse to break. I can see it clearly, sparkling bright between me and anything that might tempt me.
To the kitchen for tea, and to plan for tomorrow's food. I will do this. And I'll call my sister - that's a good idea too.
I felt so good all week, mostly calm and ready for this change, and able to squeak past a handful of temptations. Tonight I am tired, and not feeling so strong. So on to my day, and thinking about tomorrow, and then an early night.
Daily Food
(b) left over sauteed veggies, hashbrowns, and cheese. Banana
(l) salad with garbanzos. Forgot to eat my apple, it's on my desk.
(d) protein style burger and fries from In-N-Out. Peach
Portions were a bit mixed up, veggies with breakfast made up for those missed at dinner. I ate the burger and fries on the way home; I was so hungry and tired, coupled with the TGIF mentality I made the best decision I could at the time. Once home I chopped up a peach and nuked it for 1.5 minutes - a great dessert.
I want to talk briefly about bright lines, and the ones I have drawn. I haven't joined a boot camp or a 14 day challenge. I haven't see a food plan or done anything but listen to Bright Line Eating and googled online info. There are four lines to draw, and I have drawn three. Flour, Sugar and Snacks. I can envision signing up for a 14 day program, but right now I am focused on the bright lines in front of me that I am determined to keep intact. I haven't committed to eating at the table or weighing and measuring everything. Although I do weigh my proteins, and make veggies the core of my daily food. And I see the value of not eating in the car or in front of the TV. Just not yet. Maybe never. And while those things are on my radar and I'm probably headed that way, I felt the need to explain how I could have eaten dinner in the car, and eaten a meal I didn't plan for and didn't weigh. In-N-Out is about as clean as you can get for fast food; I new there would be no added sugar or flour, and I didn't get ketchup for the fries. No self recriminations, no bad feelings, just the best decision I could make at the moment.
Now I'm focused on getting through the evening without snacking. A bright line I have committed to and refuse to break. I can see it clearly, sparkling bright between me and anything that might tempt me.
To the kitchen for tea, and to plan for tomorrow's food. I will do this. And I'll call my sister - that's a good idea too.
Thursday, October 10, 2019
Commitment
Dinner was delicious. I know, I skipped the day to get to that, but really, right now is still about the food. And more to the evening's point, committing to the food. Having the flexibility of planning the night before what I will eat the next day, committing to it, and then following through - it's a great sense of accomplishment. I remember feeling trapped before while following a plan because it was all set out for me in advance. And it would never last long. I did well eating a blend of Fuhrman\McDougall - adding starch to Furhman's meals and greens to McDougal's- but once I went back to work full time I didn't have the time? energy? strength? to follow through on the prep. This feels different, maybe because I have the added incentive of leaning into brain health, the motivation of long term healing.
But I do like the idea of following through on something, even if it's just a small daily habit of eating the food I committed to the night before.
So the Day.
Breakfast was too heavy, and by 10:30 I was hungry and tired. I had some lemon herbal tea and water, then took a break and listened to a vlog by Susan. That helped, but I still ate lunch exactly four hours after breakfast. Another large salad with garbanzo beans etc. Which of course left me hungry on the way home from work five hours later. As planned I stopped for supplies on the way home, choosing Italian sausage because there were no frozen meatballs at Sprouts where I stopped, and stocking up on a Marinara sauce that was on sale and was sugar free. Arriving home was nice, with A and C at my car door to greet me; then I hit the door running, chopping onions, squash & peppers and throwing them in the Instapot with the Marinara and sausages. I set the timer long - 35 minutes- because I wanted it cooked down to sauce. So Delicious. And eating at 6. And so easy to weigh out my serving of protein then fill my bowl with what by then was spaghetti soup. I had two servings of veggies instead of a salad. Another nice BLE saying, "Produce is Produce!"
A hectic day at work, and a full tummy, leaves me ready for a nice lay down. But I know I will be up after Star Trek is over (Voyager) and my brain starts working on the menu for tomorrow. And I'll figure it out and write it down in my journal. And commit to it in thought and deed as I pack up and prepare for tomorrow's meals. Because I want this to work, and while it's been challenging at times, it still feels very doable. Very realistic.Very Right.
On to an evening of grandchildren, Captain Janeway, and taking care of myself.
Feeling a little smug.
But I do like the idea of following through on something, even if it's just a small daily habit of eating the food I committed to the night before.
So the Day.
Breakfast was too heavy, and by 10:30 I was hungry and tired. I had some lemon herbal tea and water, then took a break and listened to a vlog by Susan. That helped, but I still ate lunch exactly four hours after breakfast. Another large salad with garbanzo beans etc. Which of course left me hungry on the way home from work five hours later. As planned I stopped for supplies on the way home, choosing Italian sausage because there were no frozen meatballs at Sprouts where I stopped, and stocking up on a Marinara sauce that was on sale and was sugar free. Arriving home was nice, with A and C at my car door to greet me; then I hit the door running, chopping onions, squash & peppers and throwing them in the Instapot with the Marinara and sausages. I set the timer long - 35 minutes- because I wanted it cooked down to sauce. So Delicious. And eating at 6. And so easy to weigh out my serving of protein then fill my bowl with what by then was spaghetti soup. I had two servings of veggies instead of a salad. Another nice BLE saying, "Produce is Produce!"
A hectic day at work, and a full tummy, leaves me ready for a nice lay down. But I know I will be up after Star Trek is over (Voyager) and my brain starts working on the menu for tomorrow. And I'll figure it out and write it down in my journal. And commit to it in thought and deed as I pack up and prepare for tomorrow's meals. Because I want this to work, and while it's been challenging at times, it still feels very doable. Very realistic.Very Right.
On to an evening of grandchildren, Captain Janeway, and taking care of myself.
Feeling a little smug.
Wednesday, October 9, 2019
Brain notes
I had an email from a colleague this morning after a brief phone call, inquiring if anything was wrong. That I sounded tired. I didn't really feel more tired than usual, and let her know everything was fine. I mentioned Bright Line Eating and that I was on day four without flour or sugar. She is a blessing in my life, and didn't pry or judge; she just asked me to let her know how it went.
I dream of a month going by and fitting into my size 18s that are packed away in tubs and boxes; I would love for my follow up with her to be about that. To be about how amazing it feels to see progress. And it feels possible, it feels almost inevitable, and having had that thought I begin to worry that I may be a little delusional. I finished the book and decided to listen to it a 2nd time; to hear again the science and ground my expectations. And it all makes so much sense, the vicious circle of glucose, insulin,and Leptin resistance. We've heard it all before, but I've never heard it explained in a way that involved the brain and outlined how it's all interconnected. And our brains on a sugar high; food addiction as strong as or stronger than cocaine & heroin. No wonder we can't do this, the millions who struggle. Or was it billions.
I will never again shame or blame myself for being weak willed. Instead I believe I am working towards healing my brain and that I am not one bit delusional.
I finished my lentil/turkey soup for dinner this evening as planned, and it's time to browse the kitchen for my Thursday meals. I want to make bean soup this weekend, but for the next two nights I think maybe something to use up the green and yellow squash, onions & corn, peppers. I know, spaghetti squash soup. I have a bottle of sugar free marinara in the garage, and I can pick up some clean frozen meatballs at lunch tomorrow. I'll throw it all in the Instapot after work and be eating by 6pm. Lunch will be salad again, but blue cheese instead of cilantro dressing, and for breakfast...hmmm....I think I'll make some potatoes O'Brian tonight and have them with sausage. Yes, that sounds delicious. And there are still grapes, peaches, oranges and apples to choose from for each meal.
It's so easy to get busy at work and forget to drink enough water; we often remind each other in the office but today zoomed by so quickly. So I'm off to make herbal tea and cook potatoes; I'll go ahead and prepackage a few breakfasts when I'm done.
It does feel good to know I will start out tomorrow prepared.
I dream of a month going by and fitting into my size 18s that are packed away in tubs and boxes; I would love for my follow up with her to be about that. To be about how amazing it feels to see progress. And it feels possible, it feels almost inevitable, and having had that thought I begin to worry that I may be a little delusional. I finished the book and decided to listen to it a 2nd time; to hear again the science and ground my expectations. And it all makes so much sense, the vicious circle of glucose, insulin,and Leptin resistance. We've heard it all before, but I've never heard it explained in a way that involved the brain and outlined how it's all interconnected. And our brains on a sugar high; food addiction as strong as or stronger than cocaine & heroin. No wonder we can't do this, the millions who struggle. Or was it billions.
I will never again shame or blame myself for being weak willed. Instead I believe I am working towards healing my brain and that I am not one bit delusional.
I finished my lentil/turkey soup for dinner this evening as planned, and it's time to browse the kitchen for my Thursday meals. I want to make bean soup this weekend, but for the next two nights I think maybe something to use up the green and yellow squash, onions & corn, peppers. I know, spaghetti squash soup. I have a bottle of sugar free marinara in the garage, and I can pick up some clean frozen meatballs at lunch tomorrow. I'll throw it all in the Instapot after work and be eating by 6pm. Lunch will be salad again, but blue cheese instead of cilantro dressing, and for breakfast...hmmm....I think I'll make some potatoes O'Brian tonight and have them with sausage. Yes, that sounds delicious. And there are still grapes, peaches, oranges and apples to choose from for each meal.
It's so easy to get busy at work and forget to drink enough water; we often remind each other in the office but today zoomed by so quickly. So I'm off to make herbal tea and cook potatoes; I'll go ahead and prepackage a few breakfasts when I'm done.
It does feel good to know I will start out tomorrow prepared.
Tuesday, October 8, 2019
Bright Line Eating, fasting included
Home from work, I was hungry and glad there was leftover soup in the fridge. Now sated I can relax and think about how to proceed. I need an actual food plan for the weighing and measuring guidelines, and have emailed CS on how to get those since I have the audio book. I wonder if I need to join something to get those. If nothing else they will be included in the 14 day trial I plan to do once C has settled from his latest treatment and I can spare some more energy on this.
So Day three and I realized that the reading I did about fasting has a place here at BLE. Eating three squares a day leaves about a 13 hour fast each night. Another piece of the puzzle solved? Will eliminating the flour and sugar also do away with my midnight prowling in the kitchen? She says it will, that it's part of the Free part of Thin, Happy & Free. I can imagine my brain calmed of all the chatter, I can feel my future ahead of me. So strange. But it doesn't feel like the euphoria that has accompanied me at different times as I found myself manic over a new eating plan, It's more like Susan has put her arm around my shoulders and said, 'I'm here now, it's going to be okay'.
Breakfast this morning was delicious and I have another serving ready in the fridge for tomorrow. It's a wild grains cereal mix, softened with Australian Greek yogurt and a couple of dates, then mixed with 4oz of blueberries hot from the microwave. I'll rinse and pack garbanzo beans to add to my salad at lunch tomorrow, and one more night of lentil soup. Then I think it will be time to change it up. I'll poke around online and see what I have in the kitchen so that I'm ready to plan the next set of meals tomorrow.
I am having a hard time with starting and ending my days; I wrote in my journal the first day and nothing since. I am reading from my meditation book, but not meditating yet. I think I'm waiting for the salt to dissipate so it's easier to get comfortable. And I think it will happen naturally that once I start waking up more clear headed it will be easier to spend some me time before rushing to get ready for work. Once upon a time rising before six and puttering in the garden was normal, but this past year I turn over to fall back asleep before rising at 7 and heading hell bent out the door to work.
Time to queue up another vlog by susan.
So Day three and I realized that the reading I did about fasting has a place here at BLE. Eating three squares a day leaves about a 13 hour fast each night. Another piece of the puzzle solved? Will eliminating the flour and sugar also do away with my midnight prowling in the kitchen? She says it will, that it's part of the Free part of Thin, Happy & Free. I can imagine my brain calmed of all the chatter, I can feel my future ahead of me. So strange. But it doesn't feel like the euphoria that has accompanied me at different times as I found myself manic over a new eating plan, It's more like Susan has put her arm around my shoulders and said, 'I'm here now, it's going to be okay'.
Breakfast this morning was delicious and I have another serving ready in the fridge for tomorrow. It's a wild grains cereal mix, softened with Australian Greek yogurt and a couple of dates, then mixed with 4oz of blueberries hot from the microwave. I'll rinse and pack garbanzo beans to add to my salad at lunch tomorrow, and one more night of lentil soup. Then I think it will be time to change it up. I'll poke around online and see what I have in the kitchen so that I'm ready to plan the next set of meals tomorrow.
I am having a hard time with starting and ending my days; I wrote in my journal the first day and nothing since. I am reading from my meditation book, but not meditating yet. I think I'm waiting for the salt to dissipate so it's easier to get comfortable. And I think it will happen naturally that once I start waking up more clear headed it will be easier to spend some me time before rushing to get ready for work. Once upon a time rising before six and puttering in the garden was normal, but this past year I turn over to fall back asleep before rising at 7 and heading hell bent out the door to work.
Time to queue up another vlog by susan.
Monday, October 7, 2019
Hungry! But it ain't a bad feeling
Mondays are always busy at work, and my decision to start Bright Line Eating yesterday was a bit of an inspired decision. I did some prep cooking yesterday but not having the food plan in front of me I neglected some important details. But it didn't matter. I persevered. Breakfast was hash browns smothered in sauteed veggies and about 2oz cheese. I picked up lunch fixings from Sprouts and threw together a delicious salad that included but was not limited to cilantro yogurt dressing, roasted unsalted pepitas and cauliflower. Dinner was left over lentil soup. The problem was proportions, and each meal was so filling I never got around to eating my fruit.
Tomorrow will be better; I have yogurt and grains soaking with dates for a couple of breakfasts, and I'll weigh my salad and stoup tomorrow so the servings aren't too large so the fruit will get eaten. Today I took a pear and a peach for a ride! The pantry and fridge are already stocked with many staples that I can use; while I haven't been trying very hard the last few years to eat for nutrition, I didn't let those habits go completely. So probably I won't have to hit the grocery store until Thursday.
So now it's been a few hours since dinner and I'm hungry. I have a night time tea brewing, and have no intention of snacking - the visualization of a bright line between myself and a bad decision is very effective. And it kind of fun to feel that little buzz in my stomach and have a longing to eat that is unrelated to indulgence.
Time to go write in my journal and plan tomorrows meals. Wait. I already did that here :) But I still have a gratitude entry to make, and tea to sip, and a show to watch. C has a treatment tomorrow at hospital so that is where my positive thoughts will be focused; my petty little food concerns really are as trivial as they seem.
Tomorrow will be better; I have yogurt and grains soaking with dates for a couple of breakfasts, and I'll weigh my salad and stoup tomorrow so the servings aren't too large so the fruit will get eaten. Today I took a pear and a peach for a ride! The pantry and fridge are already stocked with many staples that I can use; while I haven't been trying very hard the last few years to eat for nutrition, I didn't let those habits go completely. So probably I won't have to hit the grocery store until Thursday.
So now it's been a few hours since dinner and I'm hungry. I have a night time tea brewing, and have no intention of snacking - the visualization of a bright line between myself and a bad decision is very effective. And it kind of fun to feel that little buzz in my stomach and have a longing to eat that is unrelated to indulgence.
Time to go write in my journal and plan tomorrows meals. Wait. I already did that here :) But I still have a gratitude entry to make, and tea to sip, and a show to watch. C has a treatment tomorrow at hospital so that is where my positive thoughts will be focused; my petty little food concerns really are as trivial as they seem.
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