The long goodbye

There is a song I had on my mind a couple of years ago, the rendition by Brooks and Dunn of The Long Goodbye. It was the story of me and H; so sad and true and heartbreaking. I would drive and cry and grieve. It's been a year and a half since we separated, and everyday I think of him, of us, of myself in the context of 'why didn't this work?' Perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to reconnect last summer - not this one, the one before - but we both felt there was much between us to resolve, and we were missing each other. So the weekend visits began. So innocent, so free, so lacking in commitment or so we pretended.

How could it be so good after being bad enough to split up. How had the rift formed? I blamed myself, I blamed him, I even blamed Joey's death. I had to channel my angst towards someone or something; it couldn't just be a cruel universe at play. And still, everyday the thoughts come and I brush them aside - or try to - depending on what kind of a day it's turning out to be.

I haven't heard from him in a while, and that's as it should be. Despite the fact that there are so many things said and unsaid still between us. I think we haven't said goodbye because neither of us can. I said it doesn't work when we are together and it doesn't work when we're apart. He said he can't imagine telling me if he found someone else.  That was about our last conversation, our last visit, the last time we made love.

Paints a picture for sure, just not a clear one. Which brings me to this afternoon. I am catching up on the new series Gotham. I didn't want to watch it without him, but I finally caved and am now up to date. I think he would love it, or rather, is loving it without me. Maybe watching it with someone he doesn't have the heart to tell me about.

But I feel an unspoken agreement between us, sort of a don't ask, don't tell scenario. Probably this is just the way my heart and mind have justified his silence. That there has to be this dark romantic back story, but again, only in my mind. Not his.

So I won't sign on to facebook to ask him if he's loving Gotham. I won't put him on the spot or start a conversation I am not prepared to finish. I can't help but wonder if it would hurt worse if he didn't answer at all or replied back with something brief, impersonal or just plain disinterested.

So our rift is filling not with the rubble of battle or a lake of tears, but instead it is slowly disappearing into the landscape as a glacier of silence rubs it raw and flattens it out.

I need to stop trying to forget. I need to make new memories. I need to find laughter and fun and some really good wine. Sigh. In a dry house. Damn.

I am not alone, the song is testament to that. But somehow that doesn't help at the moment. Neither does finding this post from two years ago....October 2012

                                                           "The Long Goodbye"

I know they say if you love somebody
You should set them free
But it sure is hard to do
It sure is hard to do
I know they say if you don't come back again
Then it's meant to be (so they say)
Those words don't pull me through
Cause I'm still in love with you
I spend each day here waiting for a miracle
But it's just you and me goin' through the mill
climbin' up a hill

This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart
No matter how hard I try
I always make you cry
Come on, baby, it's over?-let's face it
All that's happening here is a long goodbye

Sometimes I ask my heart did we really
Give our love a chance (just one more chance)
But I know without a doubt
We turned it inside out
And if we walked away
It would make more sense
But it tears me up inside
Just to think we could still try
How long must we keep running on a carousel
Goin' round and round and never getting anywhere
On a wing and prayer

This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart
No matter how hard I try
I always make you cry
Come on, baby, it's over?-let's face it
All that's happening here is a long goodbye