How could it be so good after being bad enough to split up. How had the rift formed? I blamed myself, I blamed him, I even blamed Joey's death. I had to channel my angst towards someone or something; it couldn't just be a cruel universe at play. And still, everyday the thoughts come and I brush them aside - or try to - depending on what kind of a day it's turning out to be.
I haven't heard from him in a while, and that's as it should be. Despite the fact that there are so many things said and unsaid still between us. I think we haven't said goodbye because neither of us can. I said it doesn't work when we are together and it doesn't work when we're apart. He said he can't imagine telling me if he found someone else. That was about our last conversation, our last visit, the last time we made love.
Paints a picture for sure, just not a clear one. Which brings me to this afternoon. I am catching up on the new series Gotham. I didn't want to watch it without him, but I finally caved and am now up to date. I think he would love it, or rather, is loving it without me. Maybe watching it with someone he doesn't have the heart to tell me about.
But I feel an unspoken agreement between us, sort of a don't ask, don't tell scenario. Probably this is just the way my heart and mind have justified his silence. That there has to be this dark romantic back story, but again, only in my mind. Not his.
So I won't sign on to facebook to ask him if he's loving Gotham. I won't put him on the spot or start a conversation I am not prepared to finish. I can't help but wonder if it would hurt worse if he didn't answer at all or replied back with something brief, impersonal or just plain disinterested.
So our rift is filling not with the rubble of battle or a lake of tears, but instead it is slowly disappearing into the landscape as a glacier of silence rubs it raw and flattens it out.
I need to stop trying to forget. I need to make new memories. I need to find laughter and fun and some really good wine. Sigh. In a dry house. Damn.
I am not alone, the song is testament to that. But somehow that doesn't help at the moment. Neither does finding this post from two years ago....October 2012
"The Long Goodbye"