My sleep pattern worries me, still saying I am getting around 4 hours a night. I woke up around 3am full of anger and old thoughts that could only have been brought up by the words shared by H last night. And I wanted him to share? To talk to me? Probably a big mistake. The nightmare I woke up from stays with me still - the couple yelling and throwing things; the man sending something flying that broke her Russian nesting doll (yes I have one sitting out on a shelf) and the woman flinging a knife at the retreating man, only to shift her hand to the left at the last moment so it went hurtling into the white front door (just like ours) instead of into his back. The scary part was that I had entered the dream, and it was me that moved her hand to the left. I felt all of her frustration and anger, and the dream was obviously a construct of all the little talks - or lack thereof - that we have tried to have over the past month.
My survival instinct is screaming at me for a clean break. But money is a factor, and I truly believe that our break up is coming at a horrible time. I don't know if I can remain a friend with all the tumult within me trying to break free. But if I don't let it out, my body is going to suffer. And it has to be me first this time, not anyone or anything else. Me.
And I am not someone by nature to fling hurtful sentences, but this morning I flung a hundred of them in my mind. Then I put on my new walking shoes and hit the treadmill. If I have to take a thousand extra walks this spring I will not hurt him anymore than I already have with words I am tempted to say. I am better than that. Lord knows it's a big enough job just trying to take care of myself, I cannot be burdened with the knowledge that I am inflicting pain elsewhere.
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