Judgement

I was treadmill walking this morning, reaching deep for motivation to keep going because I was doing too good a job of rationalizing away to myself at why a mile and a half was good enough.  And in my desperation I began to listen to my ego. I know that we have at our core a need for self preservation, and I believed it when I read that the ego was born as a means to support survival instinct. So I found myself listening to my ego as I walked - I'm going faster than that person, I have better form than this one, and why is that lady even here she is going so slow??? Look at me how my shoulders are down and relaxed, my stomach pulled in tight and my breathing steady through my nose as I clip along at a decent incline and pace; look at me and how perfectly I walk!

I caught myself rather quickly, reminding my ever so nasty ego that everyone has a story, that everyone is doing the best they can, and that the person behind me is finding fault with my big butt, my choice of shoes, and pitying me for my mop of hair that had been quickly swooshed back into a clip this morning just as surely as I am judging those in front of me.  We all do it, we judge ourselves by looking outside of ourselves to compare what we are with what someone else is instead of rating ourselves against our own inner divine standards. This is the ego at it's worst. I guess really I should say this is MY ego at it's worst, because I can't really speak for anyone else.  Well, I can, but I shouldn't.

So instead of looking outwards I began to focus my attention inwards towards the athlete I once was and will be again. Inwards to where I keep a fortress of knowledge and where friends are cheering me on and rooting for me to succeed. Inwards to where I am good and pure and wholesome and healthy and from where all things wonderful are born. And when I looked up the last half mile was gone and I punched the cool down button with a vengence! Ha! Take that! 

So of course I had to come home and brag about not giving up, because last night I did give up, and I fell headfirst into a package of cookies.  This is not unusual behavior on a day that began with cold pizza.  So all of my good intentions to excuse my breakfast choice yesterday aside - NO MORE PIZZA FOR BREAKFAST ...lol, at least for a while.

I have shorts I want to fit into this summer, and in remembering that I want to share a line from a PT buddy that I found inspiring this moring, "You can have either excuses or results; not both."   Amen.