Search This Blog

Friday, January 11, 2008

Not in Arizona

I’m suppose to be in Arizona at Leadership School today; I registered early before the holidays, feeling strong and determined to start 2008 on a positive note, looking forward to being part of something wonderful as they announce new products and sales tools. But even the joy of being part of Orenda wasn’t enough to overcome the emotional backlash of the holidays and the visit to the DA’s office. Maybe it was the combination of those two things that overwhelmed me in a wave of loss that just took me under and has kept me swirling, caught in a riptide of emotion. I had been feeling so positive and even felt I was on the upswing this past autumn, heading into winter with my rose coloured glasses firmly placed between my eyes and my life. I am no stranger to the vagaries of living on an emotional trampoline, and I understand how light and dark play off of each other as well as how quickly we can change our perspective depending on the switches that take us from one to the other. But I had been feeling a new kind of core strength so different and purposeful that I felt it would hold me through the holidays, and that I would come out the other side ready to face the world; ready to get back to work. So I registered for the trip, and then in the turmoil of December forgot all about it, pushing it to some safe corner of my mind where I never once considered it again. A couple of days ago I received an email that the dinner Saturday would be semi-formal, and I just sat here in a daze realizing I hadn’t been checking my business mail, hadn’t made flight or hotel reservations, and that I was in no way prepared to go, mentally or physically.

A big sigh escapes me, small fragments of my hopes and dreams escaping with my breath into a universe that for a moment is too big and too scary for me to face. But it’s just a moment, because the past two years have taught me that I am the one in charge of the light switch, that I hold within me the power to change everything, to see everything in a different light. As I sit shaking my head from side to side, I know that even as I began to despair I was also beginning to secretly garner the will to go forward. That deep inside the strength I have been nourishing will grow to help me survive the next few months as we go to trial, and even to flourish as the year progresses. I know if I can just make that first step back into Orenda, back into helping people, that it will also help bring me back into the light I so crave. So today I will not beat myself up for not being in Arizona, and I will not let that tiny slip into despair rule my day. Instead I will take care of myself so that when the time is right I will be ready; today I will eat healthy and exercise, I’ll work on getting my office ready for 2008, and I’ll join the conference call tomorrow to hear all the news and celebrate with the friends that are there.

No comments: