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Thursday, January 17, 2008

An emotional bump in the road

I stopped at the store on the way home to pick up a couple of ingredients for a vegan mac n cheese recipe I’ve been meaning to make. Standing next to the driveway leading into the parking lot was a young man, looking anxious and holding the bottom of a box on which was scribbled “homeless and hungry please help”. I pulled over and gave him the $30 I had in my purse; he was so grateful, thanking me and calling me honey while he packed up his things. Hopefully he was leaving to walk up to the bus station, getting something to eat on the way, and buying a ticket to take him home; hopefully. And all of a sudden I started to cry, hoping he was on his way home to someone who could help him get back on track, and just missing my son so much. I knew from experience to not panic, to just park in the sun and cry myself out, and sit until I could make myself calm. Too many times the flight response has found me back at home without groceries, or gas, or some errand undone. So I sat and waited, then wiped my eyes and blew my nose and left the car to shop. Then lie lie lie in the store as two different clerks ask me how I am today and I exchange pleasantries and saying fine, after all, pretending is sometimes the beginning of reality. And I had been fine yesterday, visiting with friends and driving through the beautiful bay area on a sunny day. So as lies go they were fairly pale. On the way out the young man had been replaced by an older gentleman, this one in a wheel chair, and there went the money I had just replaced. Like I can afford this! Oh well. And now I am home, and wondering why emotion is so draining, wondering about the mind body connection and what the chemical reasons are for my exhaustion. If my new Katherine Kerr book were here I would just curl up and read the rest of the day. But it’s not, and I’m hoping to talk myself out the door for a ride or a walk; maybe after a game of solitaire and a dose of Balance spray.

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