BLE: Committing my food

The Instant Pot is full to the Max line with black beans I pre-cooked earlier this morning for 30 minutes, a large red onion, a med green bell pepper, a large zucchini, a can of roasted diced tomatoes, a small can of tomato paste, a bay leaf, and various salt free seasonings including garlic powder and cumin. Vegetable broth to cover, which brought us to full.

I'll be able to pack away a container in the freezer, and keep one in the fridge for lunches next week. Already prepped are meal containers of squash & onions with meatballs. Lots of bananas and apples are on the kitchen counter, and there are frozen blueberries in the freezer.

I have eggs, green chilies, and mushrooms ready to bake a tray and divide into breakfast servings; divided between the fridge and freezer. It feels good to plan ahead. Oh, and there is a large tub of celery and cauliflower cleaned, chopped, and ready for salads.

I have never been good at committing my food nightly for the next day. I did try at the beginning, but that quickly evolved into journaling here the next day about what I ate the day before. So I am trying something new - despite the huge block of data that shows committing to food the night before leans into automaticity and not depleting will power. I don't know why this is a point of rebellion for me. Maybe because of the years I spent keeping food logs and breaking everything down in to calories, and macro nutrients and then adding calcium and fiber and OMG enough already.

Which leads into thinking about Identity Shift and how I see myself. Because I don't think of myself as someone who diets anymore. Years of not writing down my food, and eating for nutrition, and not denying myself anything were stepping stones towards where I am now. And while Bright Line Eating has given me focus and clarity on how my body works, and probably saved my life to boot, I still rebel at committing my food nightly. Hence this new approach. Committing my food weekly. Making sure that going into the week I have everything prepped and ready so that while I may be using willpower to make a decision, it's quick and painless. It's either pre-weighed into meal containers, or as with my batch of soup, ready to scoop and weigh.

Is drifting off the BLE plan a good idea? Probably not. So why am I doing it?  Because this feels sustainable. I just can't see myself writing down food for the rest of my life. I also can't see weighing my food for the rest of my life. How stubborn am I? But I can see myself using the 'one plate' option, and keeping bright lines against sugar, flour, and snacking.

I've been fighting against myself, a salmon swimming upstream in the wilderness of my brain. Bright Lines intact during the day, then a midnight snack of bread and butter, or Oreos, or pepperoni slices. I am staying within two pounds of my initial 20 pound loss, but not gaining ground - or losing ground, whatever. Partially it's the cortisol in the time of Covid-19, but mostly I feel it's because I have never laid down the new pathways in my brain that are needed to obliterate the voice of the saboteur. And in the middle of the night, groggy and susceptible to evil thoughts, I succumb. Not even really succumbing, more like planning ahead to fail. Insanity and all that.

So maybe for me, accepting that something isn't working, and figuring out just what it is that I can identify with, is the right thing to do. I feel that this is right for me, and I commit now to eating only the beautiful food I am preparing today for the week ahead.

Last night there was no midnight snack. Yesterday there were no bright lines broken. Another day One. I have the 100 day chart in my paper journal to prove it, the yellow highlighter a glowing review of a successful Bright Line day. And I am ready for today to be another such.

I wish I had someone to share this with, to talk about it, but I haven't been able to connect with anyone in the boot camp, despite support being an integral part of the program and sustained success. I will continue listening to the weekly vlogs, and facebook live replays, and try to post in my facebook group. But it's the need for conversation I crave, not cheer-leading, so I continue alone.

My goodness but the soup smells delicious!