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Sunday, May 17, 2009

Walking & Thinking

<- While my walk starts in the suburbs, in 10 minutes I am out to what I call my Marshlands.

Walking Kaylee this morning I found myself thinking and turned off the audio book that I have been struggling to finish (too droll....) I think it is a great sign of mental health that I am able to do this, that I can let myself think instead of hiding behind the words of another. I was thinking about archery, and the shoot yesterday. Despite the heat it was a wonderful day and we had the pleasure of shooting with a gentleman who admired our prowess and asked lots of questions. How flattering :) Anyway, I was having a particularly good day of shooting, and it was fun to share a little of what I've learned from my partner who is the much better archer. And one of the important facets of 'the shot' is that when you are aiming you can't be doing anything else. You really have to be in the moment, and if you're not it's time to let down and regroup and restart your shot. This speaks to everything I have been learning about life and how we should be living in the moment, and walking this morning I really started to think about it retrospectively. If when I was raising children, the only true thing was that moment, and I was doing the best I could, then that has to be the valid point about that time. I know I spent a lot of time in recent years questioning myself with all of the 'what if' and 'if only I' thoughts that we torture ourselves with, and in my journey through the valley of grief I think those were a little necessary so that I could get to where I am today. Which is understanding that I need to respect the feelings and decisions of the me that was present then. I need to trust that I was doing exactly what I was suppose to be doing then, that the feelings were real and the decisions I made because I trusted my feelings were the right ones for me in that time and place. I don't think I could have gotten here (if I really am) without a thought from - yes, again - Eat Pray Love where she points out that God is not only in us, but living and experiencing life through us as exactly who we are. That 'he' is not interested in us trying be someone else, but only just exactly who we are. Because then he gets one special and unique experience. So here I am now, trusting in me back then, because I do remember trying to 'follow my heart' as I use to say. And that is the advice I give my daughter now that she is a mother too. And I'm hoping that she will understand better and sooner that those feelings, that following of the heart, is everything. It's living in the moment, being true to yourself one small experience at a time, that builds a special and unique life experience. So I think I am done berating myself for not having done a better job raising my son. Yes, hindsight shows me specific mistakes I wish I hadn't made, but I need to expand this new found understanding to all the moments in my life, maybe especially those. From this will come forgiveness, maybe not today, but I know I am on the right path towards that end ... because I am learning to trust my feelings, and I'm following my heart in this moment. Rereading this I realize a hard truth, I wasn't always following my heart, there were times I was 'trying to do the right thing' because I didn't trust myself, and I guess those are the moments I regret. But still - I need to fall back on the part that I trust I was doing the best I could in that moment, that even if I wasn't trusting myself I was trusting someone else. Grrrr, so I prove a point and lose a bit of ground all at the same time. But still on a path forward, and most important - lesson learned! Trust my feelings, trust I am exactly who I am suppose to be, and listen to my heart because that's where God lives.

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