Another Walk, another Thought

As a child I fell in love with Pollyanna, and wanted to be just like her. I was already a good girl and to 'meet' her was like finding a kindred spirit; okay, maybe I had a little girl crush on her - it was Haley Mills after all. But that 'goodness' developed into something else as I grew older. Even as I pointed out silver linings and saw the good in people and things and situations, I knew that I was acting the devil's advocate and that my comments were sure to prompt a disagreeable view from someone else, along with their praise that I was so generous in my view - thereby making me the better person, one I could feel good about. How sad for me. And in noticing this I also noticed that my smugness begat pride, and wasn't that one of the seven deadly sins? So even knowing I was a good person, I also knew that I wasn't, that I had this dark side to my character - a deadly flaw - which meant I wasn't really a good person, I just knew how to act like one. Which brings me to my grandmother, who apparently saw right through me even as a child.

"The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions"

How often did my grandmother say this to me? For sure every time I spoke about losing weight or not biting my nails. And I resented it, each time I heard it I felt the criticism, and was offended that my dear sweet Mommer would tell me, in essence, that I was going to Hell. Now that I am in my fifties and ready to be a student I see it for the truism that it is. But now I see it through the words of Elizabeth Gilbert (yes, I'm still going on about that) and the tale of her Indonesian Medicine Man who pointed out that Heaven and Hell are the same place, but we choose which way to get there, up or down; and it is in that choosing that we create heaven or hell on earth. Each time a good intention comes along there is also a signpost with our choices pointing in different directions; to act or not to act, to create a paver on our road to hell or a stepping stone towards heaven. So my grandmother was right, and each time I had a good intention, but chose the road where I didn't act, I was paving my way to hell, one choice at a time. How awful! I am so ashamed now of all the opportunities I didn't take advantage of, but in my new frame of mind even that shame is a fleeting notion and I have forgiven myself.

And I do have a big intention in my life right now; to be strong and healthy and prepared at the senior games in August. I've been training for a while, and 'trying' to lose weight, but now I see this in a new light, and I think it's time to test if I can indeed choose the sign pointing up and create a little bit of heaven in my life.

As I tag this entry, I realize that I might need to combine categories, because each time I click on 'dare I say religion' I also click on 'Positive Thinking' and 'Self Discovery'. How many times will I do this before I accept that those are all really the same thing :)