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Thursday, December 6, 2012


I ventured forth last evening to pick up groceries for the Minestrone Soup I was making for the company potluck today, and was disconcerted to discover that I am apparently the only girl in town without fashionable boots! From UGGs to knee high buckled lovelies they were being worn by all and sundry alike. And there I was in my hiking boots - no flare, no fashion, no fun. I should have known, all the other girls in the office are wearing them. I am rather sick to death of being poor and fat and old and lately even feeling ugly.

Which brings me to a couple of recent disturbing events. And you know how I love to go on about those!

The first was going to work with dirty hair last week  because I just couldn't face the shower that morning. So at lunch, being driven crazy by the weight of it, I zipped over to Great Clips and had a shampoo and a trim. Great way to spend lunch by the way - takes an hour all told and is very relaxing after the stress of the office. But those lights - you know the ones - glaring down on you from above the mirror and stripping away any ability you might normally practice to overlook imperfections. And I barely recognized myself. And the double chin - OMG. I knew I had gained weight, just as I knew it was probably due to the anti-inflammatory I was taking , but seeing it there so stark and naked to the world and myself was devastating. How I wanted to run and hide, to make believe that wasn't really me, to reassure myself I was still in there somewhere. And I sat there trying not to look closely as my hair was trimmed, and tried to just relax and enjoy the feel of her fingers on my scalp as she blew my hair dry.

The second event was overhearing one of the younger girls in our office (going through a divorce and in the 'diet & workout mode' some women enjoy experiencing in such circumstances) asking another young, thin and fit co-worker, "How can someone just let themselves go? She must have been 250 pounds!" She herself is working on those last 15 pounds and mentioned she would like to lose 30  more - my god she would be so thin! But it made me feel...defensive. I wanted to go out to her cubicle and explain about how a series of unfortunate events can lead some of us to choose food as a gateway to comfort. And how lucky she was to not be a slave to food and cravings and... I had a whole lecture down in my head before I realized what a fucking cop out it was. Bottom line, she was lucky enough to actually care about herself - her  muchness was intact. Mine wasn't.

At the beginning of this Blog I think my intent was to 'get my life back' after one such unfortunate event topped all others before or since. And at times I have felt like I was actually moving towards something that might be termed 'normal'. But mostly it's been a roller coaster of ups and downs - oh, much like life is for most people. I think. As I once read, there is no control group for a human life (Eat Pray Love.) But I see those who seem to move effortlessly through their lives, caring about themselves, engaged in those around them, actually having a life I guess I would say. And I wonder why that's not me. I always felt like I was a 'good' person; doing the right things, helping others, being kind. Why not to myself? Of course I have always felt 'apart' from the world too. I might have mentioned before how surprised I was one day when another mother picking up her child from Kindergarten mentioned that she had seen me driving in town earlier. What? She recognized me behind my dark glasses? It was such a strong thought, and made me realize how invisible I really felt that I should be so surprised she could identify me.

My Sister spent years in therapy, and continues having an 'examined' life, and is always ready with something for me to read or listen to that will help; she perceives me as broken and I often rebel because the notion pisses me off. The truth is, she is right is some respects. But even as I type that the dragon inside bristles and I feel smoke coming out of my ears. My muchness is restless, which I will take as a good sign this morning.

Ranting and Raving over; back to the minestrone soup, and work, and the potluck where I will feel fat and old and out of place. Which is crazy because all but one are ever so nice. And they will all be in leggings, short skirts, long sweaters, and tall boots. I guess I am just jealous, and it hurts to know I am the only one responsible for where I am and how I look and what I wear and that I have, as she said, 'let myself go'. How embarrassing.

One thing remains true - writing helps me think, and it usually leaves me feeling at least a little peaceful.

And there will be wonderful soup for lunch.

1 comment:

Great Clips said...

Thanks for stopping in! Glad you like the new trim!

Kasey S.
Great Clips