Starting to wrap it up

Re: My son's death on 2/16/06
Where to begin...We spent a week in trial in July, and the first defendant was found guilty of murder in the 1st. Two years ago when first arrested he had given a statement confessing to his part in the deed, and the DA did a great job of presenting the case. Unfortunately he refused to testify against the primary defendant, and there was no physical evidence, so they offered the 2nd guy a deal and he will only do a total of 12 years. The sentences are reversed from what they probably should be, but this is life, not CSI. We have the right to voice our opinion or make a statement at the sentencing hearing, but we decided we had lost enough of our lives to this craziness. They both have mandatory sentences, and it isn't like our words will change anything. I could wish they spend their time feeling our pain, or learning a lesson, or some such thing...but again...real life here; they will have their hands full playing the prison game. In a couple of more weeks when the sentencing is over, well, then what? I know that it isn't just opening a door and all of a sudden everything is in brilliant colour, and I do feel I have been making small steps forging my way through the grief, but sometimes - like today - I feel like it will never be enough. That I will never take enough steps to get to the other side. I had a moment today; I was riding my bike (yay, off the couch) and instead of my usual audio book I was listening to 'Across the Universe' on my ipod. The music was so happy, so gutsy, and the wind felt wonderful, that perfect blend of cool and refreshing on a warm day, and I felt strong on the bike. Standing on the pedals to stretch my calves out and lifting my nose to the breeze I felt good. I felt for just a moment like I was alive again. It was probably the sugar rush from the cookies my SO brought home this afternoon, but still, drug induced or not, I felt different. I caught that glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel for a second, and then the mad hit. The anger that I can't seem to let go of once I have taken a step into that alternate reality I use to call normal...maybe it's time for professional help. I need a Guru! I think I might be ready for my teacher....isn't he suppose to come?