BLE: Cortisol, the sneaky hormone

I struggled this week (obviously) and it wasn't until I was sitting in the waiting room at Kaiser after my first shot of the Covid vaccine that I realized how much I had been stressing about it.  It took about five minutes of self monitoring afterwards to realize that one, I wasn't experiencing any of the adverse reactions that were listed in rotation on the big bright monitors in the observation room, and two, that my shoulders had relaxed from a constant state of stress.

Sitting here this morning, feeling fine with a slightly sore arm at the injection site just like any flu shot, I am ready and willing to blame my rough week on stress. I can feel the difference in my demeanor and physical well being from before and after the shot. And there had been no mental stress; I was ready and willing to have the vaccine with no worries about how safe it was or wasn't. I do, after all, still take Immune every day as I have for...18 years now?... and know my immune system is ready to meet any challenge. 

But apparently I was stressed, and the cortisol was showing up in my lowered resistance to the drug of my choice - food. I know now from learning about how the brain works that my body was searching for endorphins to counter the cortisol - the 'oblivion that masks pain'. How do I know? Because the drive to eat disappeared once I knew I was good to go after the vaccine. No chatter about stopping to eat on the way home, no desire to drive through for a little 'something something'.

This is all assumption based on the difference between how I was feeling all week and how I feel now; as I have often complained, there is no control group for a life. It will be a great disappointment if there is never a time I get to sit in review of my life and say, "Hey look, I got that one right!" Or, "Wow, I really shouldn't have done that, I need to remember this for next time!" Enough philosophy. Bottom line, I wasn't tempted this morning to 'clean up' after Cal by finishing a snack, and I am glad to have had a Bright night to start the day. To start this day, this gloriously sunny, full of possibilities day. Okay, now I'm sounding manic, ugh.

I emailed in my vacation request to the night job, have my flight plans for Hawaii, and think that maybe I am back on board whole heartedly with my commitment to staying Bright. I know more than some, and as good as many, that this may be a fleeting feeling. At any moment things can turn on a dime, but for now I feel calm, and centered, and ready to move forward.

Someday I will feel this way all the time. Or at least most of the time. That is my hope and my dream, to quote a million others with grand expectations.

" The Mental Ninja Move"

 I was listening to Susan today while C took his nap and this vlog hit home. As it has before. "Don't let your motor cortex get involved" is  a phrase I appreciated hearing before, but didn't retain. I think my own worst enemy is my memory glitch and all of the good ideas that tumble out through that gap in my brain. I remember what I use, that is the only reason I can do my job. It is why I cannot participate in a debate of almost any kind; I cannot recall at will the details, facts, dates, names, etc ad nauseum that I could bring to  the table to form a defense of any kind.

Basically, while at the  moment I may not be able to make the part of me that wants to go eat be quiet, I can control how my body moves. I can refuse to walk to the kitchen in the middle of the night. I can refuse to move food from my hand to my mouth. I can concentrate on the things I can control, like not moving my body, to give myself the pause I need to do the parts work necessary to shut up whatever part it is that is trying to get me to eat. Because that part is not my own true self. 

The goal of Bright Line Freedom is to live life as one's own authentic self. There is more to it of course, but that is the bottom line. And separating out who I am (who my own true self is) from the parts that developed in my life to 'protect' me, is the struggle of the work that I do. To heal the parts of me that need to be comforted by understanding and love and compassion. Not to get rid of them, or necessarily silence them, but to develop a relationship with them so they understand how what they once did to protect me is now actually hurting me.

Mumbo Jumbo, hocus pocus shit is what I would have thought about that prior to my recent experiences. But now I see that the work is valid, and I will keep doing it. And I will write down a reminder that I have this 'Mental Ninja Move' in my bag of tools to help me. I seem to be living in a swarm of little sticky notes, why not add one more? I may not be able to change your mind about wanting to eat right now, but I am in control of my body and do not have to even walk to the kitchen.  Come to think of it, I do sort of already have that on my door, just stated differently "Just go back to bed." But I want to remember that this is a physical fact of our brain, that we are in control of our motor cortex, and all the internal badgering in the world cannot make me move in ways I don't agree with.

Which brings me back to my recent writing about past experiences. I was complicit in everything. At any point I could have run away, or refused, or called for help. I take responsibility for that, and as I previously wrote, I forgive my younger self for those bad choices. I really do, she was just doing the best she could at the time.

Deep Breath. More later.

------------------------

Today I had a dental appointment,  which turned into a root canal. The infection has probably been there for years they say,  observing the loss of bone mass around the root of the tooth they excavated. Why there has been no pain, or even pressure up until now, they cannot say. I'm guessing it's the Immune I take, battling away on my behalf, but just enough to keep the infection at bay, not enough to heal me. And I can't help but think about how often I complain about being tired, and wonder if this is part of the cause. This ongoing low grade bacterial infection in my bone. How disgusting to think about it festering away inside of me - for probably years they said - and not knowing it's there.

So it will be interesting to see if anything changes with regard to my energy level. I start on antibiotics tomorrow, they add a permanent seal to the tooth on 12/1, and in six months they do another x-ray to see if the bone is re-establishing itself around the root. My guess is that the Orenda O'Tropin I use to keep my body in maintenance when it comes to cell replacement will help make that a yes. But I will just have to wait and see. And hope. Because if it's a no in six months, it may mean surgery to clean out the cavity where the infection was, and then wait another six month to see if that promotes some bone growth. If it's still a no, the tooth comes out and a bridge goes in. 

I am not a very happy camper tonight. I was hoping for antibiotics and a lecture on better oral hygiene.

I didn't have a full dinner. I made a bowl of refried beans and left over eggs & chorizo with tapatio. No chewing necessary, just what the Dr. ordered. I can tell already that I will probably feel fine in the morning, and that this will not be a reason to veer off plan.

This morning at the store I picked up a round steak that was on sale, and it's marinating in some soy, red wine vinegar, and Ketchup (no sugar) with onion powder and ground ginger. Tomorrow I will throw it on the grill, and cook up a big batch of stir fry veggies. I have a little tofu left over to split my protein when packing up some meals.

I also grabbed a bag of frozen blueberries to go with oatmeal for breakfasts. And pre-cooked lentils because I was being lazy and soup sounded good. So I'll make a batch of soup probably Wednesday. It was raining on the way home from the Dentist this evening, and, well, soup and rain just go together, don't they?

I am heading to bed with the thought imbedded in  my brain that I will not be going to the kitchen tonight. I will walk across the hall to the bathroom, then straight back to bed. No detours. At this moment I am saying ENOUGH. Enough already. And I am going to mark this day in my journal, and start keeping track again of my Bright Days. I want to know what it feels like to be complicit in the healing of myself for a change.

Pudding, a Labour of Love

A is sick, with a really bad sore throat. I mean red swollen scary things in her throat sick. And I wanted her to take some Immune, but she couldn't bear even trying to swallow the capsules. The softest thing I could think of was pudding, and she agreed to try. But of course there was no pudding in the house, and I decided to make some. I googled 'homemade pudding' and picked the recipe with the most comments and highest star count.

Everyone loved it. Except C who wouldn't try it.  A had hers warm with two capsules of Immune mixed in so mission accomplished. My back is paying for it, all of the stirring after all of the measuring, sifting and whisking. And now there are containers of chocolate pudding chilling in the fridge. But sometimes it doesn't feel right to think of oneself first, and it feels eminently right to think of a grandchild first. So there you have it, and I'll just have to ignore the pudding - I don't imagine that it will last long.

I almost had two Bright Line days under my belt, but I licked a bit chocolate deliciousness off of the spoon and a little bit more off of the pan before washing it, so two lines broken. Barely, but broken nevertheless. I am hoping it won't affect my progress; after just two days I am already feeling better. About myself, and feeling lighter, and a ring is loose. If you stay true it happens fast.

I have been listening to Susan's vlogs again, and have signed up to have access to the upcoming health summit she is speaking at, so taking time for myself is paying off.

Big Yawn. I am craving the relaxation of laying down after being up all day, that feeling of release as muscles let go of their tension and your body is flooded with..just the nothingness of it all. Nighttime tea first so I sleep better, then the laying down part. I'm out.

Veggies and more veggies

Up in time to pack all the salad fixings I would need at work today and now I am enjoying the fruit of my labours. A huge yummy salad. Just had to say.

Now I am home, and have just finished a large bowl of soup and I have that 'full of veggies' smugness about me. I used the last of the Christmas drippings to saute a med yellow onion, about five large white mushrooms, and about twice as many (bulk not ea) brussels sprouts. Everything rough chopped and seasoned with magic mushroom mix, garlic powder and fresh ground pepper I set it to boiling once the onions were soft and everything else had a chance to wilt. Maybe ten minutes? Then I added hot water to the top of the veggies and then that much more again. Stirred in a cup of organic noodles (Quinoa\corn blend) and brought it back to a boil, then covered and turned the heat down for ten minutes. All in all about half an hour to make? And delicious. I use to make stoups all the time for dinner, and I need to restore that good habit.

Let's see, how did I do today. Top five healthy foods:
     Greens
     Onions
     Mushrooms
     Beans
     Seeds

Check, Check, Check and double Check. It's a good day when I can hit all five, some fresh and some cooked. There were seeds in my salad providing fat so all my nutrients could be absorbed, beans to stabilize my blood sugar at lunch, and whole grain organic noodles to satisfy my evening comfort food bug.

Yes I had a little bit of dairy and animal fat, but just as hints of flavour and not significant calorie wise. I do regret the sugar in my coffee each morning, but not eating anything else processed after breakfast helps alleviate the tiny bit of guilt trying to worm it's way into my psyche.

I seem to have almost shaken the virus that was trying to take me down earlier this week, but all of the Immune support has done it's job and I'm feeling good; no congestion, no sore throat, and only the tiniest of chills after eating my soup - but that's probably the breeze coming in my window after eating a hot bowl of soup.

Time to put  my feet up and watch the American Idol that taped last night and see what a mess they are making of choosing the top contestants. (Please choose the talent!)

Breakfast: decaff and sausage muffin
Lunch:  Mixed salad w\ baby kale and assorted lettuces, romaine, chick peas, peppers, onion, cauliflower, mushrooms  and pepitas with a small amount of Greek yogurt dressing tossed in.
Dinner:  homemade veggie soup

Another lunch out, no dashboard dining

Woke on time but snuggled in bed watching tv, then in a rush to leave I didn't pack lunch. Going to Costco at lunch I told myself no pizza but wasn't really sure what would happen. But I found a new green smoothie blend, all organic, with quinoa and  that was my lunch. Typical banana flavour when a blend is hiding the taste of wheatgrass, but good. And filling thanks to the quinoa?

Home early with sniffles, aches and chills.

Rats. Off to bed with a Shaklee Immunity tablet, a cup of cinnamon chai tea with almond milk and a couple of extra Orenda Immune capsules. I will beat whatever this is before it takes hold.

Up for a light dinner and more tea with cinnamon and I'm done.

Breakfast: decaff and sausage muffin
Lunch:  Froothie? I'll check the label tomorrow
Dinner:  1 toasted quinoa patty on a bowl of Costco's Asian salad mix

Juicing for 60: days thirteen - eighteen

Well a week just disappeared. Vanished. I have not been juicing regularly, have been more tired than usual, and watching more TV; then early this morning I had a vertigo attack. I am wondering if the tiredness was a precursor to the spinning. I did manage to make it swimming with A yesterday and work on a small art project with her afterwards.

It's Friday, thank heavens, and I have a Shape shake mixed, packed and ready to go with me to work IF I am stable over the next half hour as I have been since waking the 2nd time today.

Plan:
NO Salt or Sugar
PLENTY of water
JUICE all weekend
EXTRA Immune

Cucumber, baby kale leaves, green apple and a small lemon juiced then added 3/4 scoop chocolate Shape. YUM!

I WILL take care of myself, I WILL feel better.

Beautimous!

This morning is all about the juice, and what a beautiful site it is. I had purchased the juicer after seeing Fat Sick and Nearly Dead over a year ago and mulling it over. Then of course right after I brought it home Orenda announced the CBS plan and I had to participate. And glad I did, but now I can revisit the whole juicing experience and incorporate that as part of my plan to create a healthier lifestyle. I'm betting this shakes up wonderful with my scoop of Shape for lunch!

Beets, oranges off the tree in back, an inch of ginger, an English cucumber, and a couple dozen big black seedless grapes. Oh so Yum and with the exception of a taste left in the fridge for the girls, packed away in my lunch bag to take to work. I can't begin to describe how rich and silky and delicious this is. 

Time to take my treasure and hit the road.

Update: I have to say this is the best Shape shake I have ever had. I added a scoop to my juice at work and shook it up and...wow! Beets and chocolate, a marriage made in heaven.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 30/30 or100/100 or 1/1

As proof positive I have not been paying attention, my 100 day mark came and went yesterday with only the smallest of blips on my radar. I found myself thinking, "Oh, my hundred days are up, I can stop eating now." There are many things inherently wrong with that thought, but it does speak to my ongoing struggle with goals, deadlines, and mental challenges. Like looking in the mirror, seeing a slimmer version of myself, and immediately upping my calorie intake. I still haven't figured out that part - how is it wrong to look nice - and until I confront that particular demon I would imagine there isn't a plan on earth that will help. It must stem back to being molested as a child when I was endowed early with breasts and hips, but really, I thought I had let that go a long time ago. So what is it then? I love how I feel when I lose a few pounds, and then a few more. Why is it so alarming when I actually 'see' the results? Why the rebound eating? I wish I could just vacuum out my brain and start fresh - wait, isn't that what they call a pre-frontal lobotomy?

Anyway, I am happy to have lost and kept off 15 pounds, and I am still losing and gaining back another 5 so at any given day it may be 20. Each time I realize things are getting snug I become conscientious about using the CBS products and the pounds come right back off. I am hoping this is a transitional stage and that I will continue to lose now that I am free from the self imposed burden of a 100 day challenge. This is why teenage rebellion is so important, if you don't do it then, it rears it's ugly head later. Like in your fifties when you are supposed to be all grown up. Which is a delusional state in and of itself, but that is a conversation for another day. Besides helping me lose weight the plan did help me refocus on whole foods, nutrition, and taking care of myself better; all good things. And I reordered a bottle of Clean so I can continue using it one day a week just because it makes me feel...well, clean! I like feeling lighter in body and mind those days, not to mention the break from cooking.

I hate that I have decided there will always be good and bad days, because I believe thoughts are things and I need to keep working on weeding out the bad thoughts. I am better at it than I used to be so there is progress being made.

In any case, while disappointed that I couldn't focus my attention on the CleanBurnShape program for the full 100 days and can't help but wonder what would have been the result if I had just followed the plan for those days (such a short time in my life. Big Sigh) I am nevertheless feeling good, have more pants that now fit, and am looking forward to incorporating the products into an ongoing nutritious food plan.

Thinking about that, here is how the day is shaping up. We are just back from walking to the golf course coffee shop for a breakfast of sourdough toast and eggs over easy. This  morning I blended and reduced some left over bean soup into creamy, rich and delicious re-fried beans to use with the ripe avocados that are hanging out on the kitchen counter for taco salads at lunchtime. Then a Shape shake for dinner with spinach and blueberries, my favorite go to.  

As for the week, I'm not making my usual batch of weekend soup, it's time for a freezer purge and to use up all the frozen portions of homemade soups and stoups so those will be lunches or dinners next week depending on my mood. So for now the plan is back to normal, each day having a veggie bean soup, a chopped salad, and a green smoothie. I'll keep adding a scoop of Shape to my smoothies, and incorporate a clean day once during the week. I believe I can still be a smaller size come Thanksgiving, but am setting no specific goal for my monkey brain to fret over.

I really missed swimming last week, so I need to brave the cooler weather and make that happen on an almost daily basis again. Eat healthy, move more. That's the plan. Oh, and quit with the bread already! Jeez Loueez.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 27/30 or 97/100 or 1/1

Well those days flew by! Lets see, Sunday was productive as I spent some much needed time on housekeeping tasks; it felt good to be on my feet and puttering most of the day. While I have been gaming on the computer too much other times I also realize the need for a little escape so am not being too hard on myself about it. It was wonderful to watch A looking forward to our picking up R from the airport, and better yet to watch their reunion late Sunday night. I am so glad my daughter is back home, what a relief to pass back the responsibility of A to her! And last night M arrived back home - the dynamics of the house will change once again. But I am not worried this time, my head is in a better place. Life is what it is and will unfold accordingly - isn't that how I have lived mine up until this point? Right or wrong, good or bad, that's how I walk my particular path.

Yesterday, and Monday also, I have continued to enjoy a mental clearness that has been missing of late, as in the last couple of month. I have been able to win all of the small battles - no fast food or coffee has passed these lips - and recognized them as the small important steps they are. Even with the drama unfolding at work (and being unfriended on Facebook to boot!) I have been good to myself and skipping the treats so often found there. 

Speaking of treats, did you know there is such a thing as root beer float day? I was informed of such yesterday and the three of us had small floats for dessert. Fun! And I am a firm believer that a small controlled portion of a treat, shared with family to celebrate something silly, is never a bad thing.

There was even one day recently that I didn't feel like eating; for a compulsive foodie like me this is like a mini vacation and I reveled in feeling hungry but not wanting to eat for a change. What a relief for that small persistent voice to be silenced for a day. And I guess that it is since that day that I have been on my game - making conscious decisions and recognizing the baby steps that will make me feel better. Eating whole foods, not indulging on seconds when I am not hungry, not snacking at night. I'm still incorporating my green Shape shakes into every day, and while I have't had a 'clean' day in longer than I can remember, I do remember every so often to use the Clean a couple of times in a day, mixing up two servings and drinking one at breakfast and the other at work later. I'm a little nervous about running out of the Burn in a few days, but I can always order more so I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

As I think I mentioned on Saturday, it feels so good to be me for a while! Which is a little bit of a scary thought - this recognition that I think of myself as a split personality. I can't say that feeling this way is necessarily abnormal, but I can say I recognize that I like who I am right now, and not so much who I am when I am being driven crazy by the small nagging compulsive voice that comes to visit. Last night is a perfect example. I couldn't sleep, and somewhere in the wee hours of the new day my stomach began to gurgle. I thought, a handful of cashews would calm my stomach and then I could probably sleep. But the answer was immediate and clear - I don't want to eat anything, this is the time my immune system needs to work it's wonders. And that was that. Done deal. No midnight snack and no angst about it. If only I could have felt this way the past two months while using the CBS plan - but no crying over spilt milk, just moving on.

My prayer this morning is to have more days like this, to keep walking on the light side for as long as possible.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 23/30 or 93/100 or 1/1

Work, play, work, play...needing a little grown up time (given that play time is usually with A) I have planned a road trip to the Paso Robles Macaroni and Cheese festival! H and I will drive down Saturday and then spend the night after indulging ourselves at the festival, Having a nice breakfast somewhere local before driving home on Sunday will complete the date. Also on the agenda is to visit my newly engaged cousin, who will be a vendor at the event with his bride to be whom I have never met. Fun! And three weeks of looking forward to it.

This was such a busy week with having A all to my self and such responsibilities that come inherent  to the task; I didn't even realize I wasn't writing until just now. We have had a busy morning; smoothies for breakfast, a massage for me which meant packing up a bag of diversions for A while I was getting worked on, shopping for a birthday present to take to the impending party, and then packing up the required items for the super fun afternoon and evening she has planned. At the party they are swimming, then watching a movie in the back yard in sleeping bags - it doesn't get much more fun than that when you are four and a half. I get to stay home and have a hard cider and watch whatever I want on tv!!

I am easily pleased.

And in a good mood today finally. As always I wonder where this part of me goes, and why I have to disappear at all. Very frustrating. I even put back the loaf of sourdough we had picked up while at the store, knowing one slice is never enough and not wanting to go through yet another loaf of bread. God it feels good to be sane for a change.

I don't want to use my back today, instead I will let my newly stretched muscles enjoy being unknotted so I will blend up some Shape for dinner and give them a rest from chopping veggies. That is one thing the CBS plan has reminded me of, I don't need to always chop up everything. Whole is better for our jaws anyway! Picking up fruits or veggies and eating them with minimal prep is quick and easy too. I've been packing bowls of tomatoes, asparagus, celery, peppers - whatever is handy in the fridge - to eat at work or on the drive home. All so delicious. 

4pm, time for a cider and a show, then a quick tour of the kitchen straightening up. I love weekends.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 20/30 or 90/100 or 1/1

Yesterday was go go go. A busied herself with a bowl of cinnamon crunch while I packed up food to take with me; our mornings are easy and filled with accomplishment. Her sense of style is fun to admire; she will be a fashionista!

I left work early and came home to finally finish up my taxes. Done at 4:28 I packed everything up, grabbed some colouring books and her pouch of pencils, scissors and pens for A plus her leap pad, a pair of reading glasses for me, and ran to pick up A from daycare. Swinging by zPizza for a slice of pepperoni and a chocolate milk we headed to H&R block in time for my 5:30 appointment. A was a gem the first hour, and then finally a little whiny as we headed into the last half so I pointed her to the empty office and suggested she run. Which she took to heart tearing laps around the carpeted space. And speaking of her heart she came to ask me to put my hand over hers and I thought it was going to bang it's way right through her chest! Yikes!

Once done we headed home, changed into suits, and drove to the pool. Yes, drove. The wind had picked up, it was after 7pm, and I was exhausted. Despite the guilt for sitting down once again in a day filled with sitting, we drove. I didn't think I would be getting in, the evening having turned cool, but one dip of my right big toe changed my mind and in we both went. It was divine, like a bathtub. We splashed and swam for an hour, half of that time by ourselves, and loved every minute of it. I stretched and trod water and tossed A about to her hearts content before braving the cool air, wrapping ourselves in towels, and heading back home.  A was cocooned in blue and white stripes under her car seat straps, a wet but warm bundle of joy.

After a bath and de-ionized (de-chelated?) hair A was ready for gobbling down a big bowl of watermelon while watching this weeks taping of SYTYCD. I joined her in both, loving both the fruit and the dancing, not to mention the company. De-tangling her hair was a breeze as it had been in a braid all day and then sprayed with conditioner once clean; a successful venture that I intend to repeat as many times as she will allow this week!

A quick phone call to chat with R completed the day; it sounds like so far her trip is exhausting but successful. Needless to say we miss her.

Finally at 9:30 I put on my parenting hat and declared it bedtime. She went with minimal fuss, and I turned the TV to Perception and snacked on roasted Brussels sprouts just out of the oven. While it's exhausting just getting all this down, it's a good feeling to have accomplished so much.

I realized there are ten days left of the 100 day CBS plan. I can be glad of the pounds and inches lost, and that the products kept me from gaining weight during what turned out to be a stressful and challenging couple of months. But I did not give it the chance it deserved; such is life, the best laid plans and all that. Seeing the even number of ten I think I want to finish the way I began, with the ten day cleanse, and the mere thought fills me with renewed determination. The fridge is full of veggies and fruit, I have the products - Houston, we're good to go!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 18/30 or 89/100 or 1/1

So yesterday did not go as planned. I felt like every speck of energy had been sucked right out of me, and small headaches came and went.  I napped, A did not, and still no energy. This morning it occurs to me I felt much as R did the day before; maybe there was a small bug we were fighting off in turns? We had buttered slices of sourdough and perfectly ripe peaches for dinner, so delicious.

This morning is much better. A is dressed and fed on a bowl of life and fresh strawberries, I am dressed and my breakfast of grapes and a peach is packed for the drive in to work. Grape tomatoes, asparagus tops and a Shape shake are packed in my cooler for lunch. And while neither one of us wants to be on our way, it is what it is. Perhaps I will take one day off this week so we can goof off and make up for yesterday's lethargy.

I am determined to have a good week, and feed myself correctly so I have the energy this little child deserves. And we are going to put her hair up in a ponytail tonight to see if it helps with morning tangles. Poor us. 

Time to brush the little white soldiers and take off for the day. Or teefies as A says :)

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 17/30 or 88/100 or 1/1

Dropped R at the airport this morning just before 5am, then A and I came back and slept another hour and a half before rising at 7. We have made a grocery list, been to two stores (making sure to visit every living thing at the pet store before leaving) and come home to a snack of graham crackers and cheese. Think deconstructed cheesecake - our treat for missing R.) We are now discussing the merits of swimming before or after her nap, and while I am bigger, she is outweighing me in the determination department. But I need a nap too so we will go later this afternoon. R reminded me to NOT negotiate with A and that is the plan.

We picked up all the basics, a couple of 'natural' fast food options and a bag of bean and cheese burritos in case of an emergency. If nothing else probably M can polish those off. 

So far today we have learned that A can open the car door from the outside all by herself if she puts some oomph into it, and that when given the choice will pick a brownie bite over a cookie and strawberry milk over chocolate milk.

The plan for me today is to organize the fridge, see if there is anything besides the kale that needs to be used up right away and make a batch of soup. This means the bean soup from last weekend will be processed into re-fried beans (we need a different name for these)  and frozen in batches to make room for the new soup. A shape shake for lunch and the leftover Chinese food (mostly veggies) from yesterday for dinner should round out the food part of the day for me. A has requested leftover chowmein for her dinner, and a sunflower seed butter sandwich with sliced strawberries and bananas for lunch.

Yyyyyyaaaaawwwwnnnnn....is it nap time yet?

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 16/30 or 87/100 or 1/1

Another day of writing missed. First I was up too early and 'farming' on the computer before 4am, then off to work early after a co-worker texted in sick. What a long day, which included a buttermilk doughnut,  then the drive home munching on asparagus and grape tomatoes. Finally home to bean soup and a black bean burger and tomato sandwich for dinner in front of my old friend the boob tube. When I don't have green smoothies my energy level plummets; I know better, why can I not treat myself in the best possible way so that I enjoy the benefits?  In my defense I did use my green coffee bean Burn capsules, drink my water, and eat my veggies.

So after that little whine you will love what we made for breakfast this morning.  

Source:  https://www.facebook.com/DrLisaShaver

Blueberry Crisp made with almond flour, maple syrup, cinnamon and rolled oats, bound with coconut oil for the fat and after baking we added a limey drizzle for the top ( since I forgot the zest on the bottom.) A perfect weekend morning; cooking with A and puttering in the kitchen.

Today is the dreaded furniture moving day, which would be fine if it didn't include moving all the wires for the TV, Stereo, U-verse box and Wii. Wireless entertainment is now mentally added to the lottery winner's list! Which finally brings me to the thought of the morning. After being a little bit snippy with A for the third time in a row this morning I realized I was pre-stressing about our week together. Crazy! We will have a great time, I will be my normal sweet self, and tap into all the muchness I can to ensure A is a happy camper along with same said self.

Now, that off my mind I am back to my new Neil Gaiman audio book (which he is narrating and doing it wonderfully of course) and to my chores. Good Grief (or as I said, Oh Crap!) I just made her cry - she must also be living the stress of her mother being gone before it happens. I need to turn this around!!

And OMG it's almost ten and I'm not ready for my drive to Lodi - after dragging by minute by minute yesterday, today time is flying past at an alarming rate. I go.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 14/30 or 85/100 or 1/1

Where to begin. While tempted to record the ups and downs of yesterday's trip to Napa, the experience left me..drained? And I will only jot down a few notes. It was even a little cathartic after living through the initial horror of realizing I was surrounded by family who looked like my ex and our son. That is what Jim would have looked like at 80, that is what Joey could have looked like at 30.  My intentions in going were pure, to show respect for Betty and to support R. I forgot I hadn't seen this side of the family since Joeys memorial, talk about a mental block, and wasn't anticipating the strong reaction I experienced. I also hadn't expected a Catholic service; at least the church was beautiful and it gave me a new perspective from which to think about some of the family. But I was overcome with emotion, and felt like a skinned cat upon leaving. I will say that the two granddaughters who spoke nailed it; Betty made you feel loved, and like you had her attention - the joy she lived with was genuine and she shared it with us all.

Once back at B's (outlaw sis) in their beautifully remodeled home with a glass of red at hand and busy getting trays of food out I was okay. Then after weeping a little more with family and getting caught up I did feel better. The sweet ladies in their 90's who mentioned I hadn't changed a bit, well that was much appreciated and I soaked it up. And seeing the cousins together all grown up was a treat. How I wished for just a moment that everything could have been different; that Joey and Jim were there, that they were happy productive souls, that M could have been there with R, that drugs and alcohol hadn't been such a destructive force in our lives. But I have learned not to second guess life, and it was just a fleeting thought, not anything to dwell over.

Thank heavens R was driving us home, the wine hit me hard. I did indulge in several skinny slices of french baguette, each topped with a slice of peppered salami and a smear of Gorgonzola -So Delicious! A handful of kettle chips and one peanut butter cookie completed my repast. Once home we did make it to the pool, and had a fun time with A - everyday with her at the pool reminds me of how important fun and courage are in equal measure. Back at the house we had salads for dinner, and after dozing off several times in front of the TV I gave it up and headed to bed at 8pm.  And slept. And slept. And slept some more! Rolling out of bed at 7:10 this morning I barely made it to work on time at 8. Emotions can be more exhausting than any physical labours, no?

Upon arising this  morning I did notice that there was a new calm present in my demeanor despite my rushing about, and I realized that I really had needed yesterday; to see family, to grieve, to hug and be hugged. Feeling lighter I stepped on the scale before dressing and was delighted to see that the five pounds I had regained over the past month were gone and I was back on track. Which probably led to my crazy lunch. I had rushed out of the house so fast this morning I didn't pack any food. I spent lunch time at Harvest Farms picking up fruit and veggies and yes, the jalapeno chips I a had for lunch were an impulse buy at the counter. In my defense I also polished off four stalks of celery at my desk to finish up the urge to crunch, and then half an apple on the way home. 

Dinner will be a shake since I didn't have one at lunch, and it's hot so I imagine we will be going to the pool again once A is home. It is a testament to how crazy I have been that I was able to go so many years without swimming and the pool just a short walk down the street the whole time. Just Insane.

Time to get busy; a child to pick up, a shake to blend, swimming to do, and finally the Thursday ritual of taking out the garbage. Life does have a tendency to go on when one is still breathing, like it or not. And mostly lately, I like it.

Update:  I almost forgot two random awesome events. Not that they were awesome in and of themselves, but because it was so crazy to see how fast the universe can respond. R was backing out of our parking space at Trader Joe's where we had stopped on the way home from Napa and mentioned how dangerous the parking lot was there. Immediately a car backed into us! No harm no foul, but hilarious. Then later when we were at the pool A and I were showing her how A floats on her back to watch the migration of sea gulls as they make their daily trek from the dump in the foothills out to the coast. R said aren't you afraid of what might fall on you? Immediately a big white splat hit the cement not three feet from her. Amazing. Ask and you shall receive; the universe does not hear 'no'.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 13/30 or 84/100 or 1/1

Yesterday was a good day, despite a little drama at work. I worked through lunch, left early drinking my shake on the way home, picked up A early and we hit the pool. It was overcast and a little muggy which meant we were the only ones there! A barley wore her vest and for the first time ever swam the width of the pool by herself; not once, not twice, but FIVE TIMES! So proud of our little mermaid. Later in the evening once R was home she had the laptop work had given her for a business trip and she plugged in the flash drive I had given her last Christmas of all the pics of A off my computer - there was a wonderful video I had shot of her when she was..two? less? Anyway, there she was splashing in the birdbath and giggling away; it was fun to see that we had been playing in water together her whole life. I so admire her fearlessness, and love how tired and hungry she is when we get home.

I did have a small bowl of the homemade mac n cheese I had made her for dinner (it had steamed orange cauliflower hidden in it) and then had my spicy bean soup. So good.

Today we head up to Napa for memorial services, so no work. Also no wine tasting. Speaking of which I will get to see the grapes that are ripening in the vineyard at H's on Saturday and I'm really looking forward to that. What I am not looking forward to is moving more furniture and figuring out where to put things. Oh well, at least I will be up on my feet and moving. Which reminds me I wanted to do some chores before the heat descends.

Hopefully we will make it back to the pool this evening, but if not we have mint in the fridge and rum in the cupboard to welcome us home from what will no doubt be an emotionally exhausting day. I think I'll pack my Balance spray....

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 12/30 or 83/100 or 1/1

To some I could say, 'well, it was Monday,  you know', and they would totally just get it without further explanation or having to dredge up the tedious details of what that meant exactly. But quite a while ago I read that we spend a seventh of our lives on Monday, and I have previously posed that it would be a shame to harbour hard feelings for such a large fraction of our lives. That being said, yesterday was not so awful; it was just NOT the weekend anymore and there is always a touch of sadness about that state of affairs despite my aforementioned resolve concerning Mondays.

We finished off the delicious beans and the last of the flour tortillas for dinner last night, then mini chocolate caramel ice cream bars for desert. I think it is obvious I have forgotten I am at the tail end of 100 days on the CBS plan, or have reverted back into the lazy uncaring attitude of a loser - big giant L blazing on my forehead right now. I am still using the products, and despite my indiscretionary eating at least not gaining weight. For my latest excuse I bring forward the demise of my erstwhile mother in law, and I would like to take a moment to hold her up to the light.

Betty welcomed me into her large family with open arms when I married her son, and likewise the children that followed despite already having a plethora of grandchildren. I first met her as my Boss when a mutual friend knew she needed a bartender and I needed a job to tide me over while going to real estate school. I had recently exited a ...difficult relationship...and was determined to forge a new career sans men. I was hired, and two weeks later while walking into work my eyes met those of her son who was just back from a trip to Arizona with his girlfriend. Of course at the time I didn't know who he was, just that it was love at first sight. And to be clear, after years of thinking this through over and over, I wouldn't go back and change a thing no matter what was to follow (Drugs, Divorce, Death) But I digress. I ended up working for and with my MIL on and off for about...twenty years? More? She taught me the valuable axiom of 'waste not want not', and showed me how to be a 'working' manager; skills I have carried with me through my life and still practice to this day. She made me a better person, and Tuesday became a very sad day upon learning of her passing. I regret the times I did not go to visit after her son and I divorced, it was nothing less than shameful. But I had moved on, had a new career, a new Beau, a new hobby. For the first time in years I was actively engaged in having fun and visiting her would undoubtedly be about dredging up the past.  Later I was simply scared; she too lost a son, more than once, and that was a grief too deep to share. I hope R is right, I hope she is with her boys.

So tomorrow we drive up to Napa to say our farewells and mingle with Rhiannon's cousins and my outlaws for the afternoon.  I can't say that I am looking forward to it, but she deserves the respect our attendance signifies, and there will be many there that I love and miss.

One more tiny rant. I am driving up to see H on Saturday to pick up some furniture. He suggested I drive up in the morning, have lunch, then we drive back bringing the credenza and coffee table with us.  I think it is relevant I was not invited up to spend Friday evening, and here I am once again letting my heart get a little broken and I am begging the powers that be to release this man once and all from my affections. Or something like that. Why can't I just be his friend and enjoy that much of him. Why this prolonged torture I subject myself to for no good reason.

Thinking about my life is just exhausting this morning. Maybe a shower will make things right, or at least a little better. I can only hope.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 10/30 or 81/100 or 1/1

I am currently listening to Mary Poppins by P.L. Travers, and I would like to give a shout out to my friend, who for arguments sake I shall call Poodle, for both the trip down memory lane (remembering my mother's voice reading to me about gluing stars in the sky) and for reminding me there are more books about Mary that I need to share with my granddaughter. Upon hearing I was excited about the upcoming Disney movie, Saving Mr. Banks, Poodle had voiced her incredulity that I could do any such thing after the travesty Disney had made of Mary Poppins. This led me to first download the audio book and then this morning to google Travers (above.)

I am only on chapter 8, but I know already there is nothing here that can diminish my love of the Disney movie - for me it was 'practically perfect in every way' and remains so. Perhaps as it's own work of art removed from the book, as most good movies are, but nevertheless, something I will always love with good regard. So yes, I am still looking forward to the new movie, but it will now be seasoned with a healthy grain of salt and I will enjoy it from the perspective of the media in which it was born. I can only hope it is something Miss Travers would have appreciated. Having been reminded of her as an author my curiosity has now been piqued about her other writings, and about her life which seems to be rich with wonderful details of which I was formerly unaware. I see many hours of reveling in her words in my near future; I wonder if any others have been produced as audio books - I will have to make the digital library my next stop.

On to food! Last night I soaked a bag of dried black beans and the water I poured off this morning was a wonderful rich blue leading me to wonder about natural colours and why this wasn't used instead of artificial blue number 1. But I digress...putting the beans on to cook in fresh water in a large pot, I then caramelized a large red onion in my saute pan with a scoop of coconut oil and ground cumin. While they were bubbling away I chopped up red bell peppers and crisp curly kale leaves and set them aside to stir in to the crock pot once the beans and onions were ready. Wanting more greens I added in the rest of the beet tops I had been using in my smoothies last week to the pan of onions with some of the water from the beans and a package of Chipotle seasoning. Once the timer dinged I poured everything into the crock pot and stirred. Still not happy with the bean to veggie ratio I stirred in the last three inches left in the bottom of a bag of broccoli slaw and then it was gorgeous.  Now the question becomes, do we splurge and cook some of the soup down to a rich thickness and add some jack cheese and flour tortillas for an incredibly sumptuous dinner, or have healthy bowls of bean soup to end the week. I never know until the time comes, but in any case I will have enough leftovers for several nutritious dinners and that always makes me feel like I have not wasted the weekend.

And the dogs are rushing the door; the girls must be home from their errands signaling an end to this blessed quiet. Hopefully we will take the walk we planned this morning, then an hour or so in the pool before A goes down for a nap. How I love the contrast between storm and quiet that our little 'unguided missile' provides.

And how happy I am that this is still Sunday, despite the fact H and I never firmed up plans to do something together this weekend which makes me a little sad. And the girls are knocking on my window to show off the new bubble wands. I am off!

Update:  Burritos won. Slices of avocado, real Jack cheese, homemade pico de gallo and refried beans with shredded lettuce on top - So delicious!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 9/30 or 80/100 or 1/1

Wow, I didn't write all week. I think instead I rediscovered the link between pain and eating, and how easily I can disappear into the addiction of online farming. Waking up in pain is not fun, and while not the worst lot life can hand out, it's very frustrating to be back at a place I have so recently vacated. The fall last weekend really tweaked my right side, shoulder and hip, and .... well just Grrrrrrrrr. I took several walks last week trying to keep my hip limber, and spent time at the pool with A making sure to work my shoulder with the same goal in mind.  Limping to the bathroom this morning I felt old and decrepit, NOT fun. Not me. Not acceptable. Hence the eating, I had forgotten what a distraction it is from pain to simply eat. Getting on the scale this morning I was glad to see that at least I hadn't gained anything, and pissed off I had wasted a week by not losing anything.

I did use my CBS products, which is probably why I maintained my weight despite the sausage muffin & decaf with cream and sugar I had EVERY morning on the way to work last week.(I won't bore you with the rest of the details of my gluttony) Lord give me strength. Well, give me Cleanse at any rate; today will be a clean day and maybe I'll even make it a clean weekend and go back to the initial cleansing schedule. I remember fondly those first ten days and how my appetite had checked out for parts unknown. What a relief - I could use that feeling again about now.

Other extenuating factors for my 'lost' week (I wonder how many lost weeks in a row this now makes... six?); M is gone again for an indeterminate length of time, H mentioned getting together this weekend and despite a gentle reminder from me has failed to mention it again (time to rethink this little scenario?), my taxes are still not done....and the pain, the pain! (lol, did you just get a visual of a little guy in a white suit pointing up from an island to a plane in the sky???)

I'm wishing again this morning that I hadn't turned down the hot tub a couple of weeks ago, what rotten timing that turned out to be. But it confirms my theory that you only need something once it's gone; we all take too much for granted day in and day out. Human nature and all that.

So where are my positives this morning. I didn't replant any of my 19 farms in Farmtown so there is nothing urgent there to draw me in this weekend; I have a massage scheduled for later this morning (super YAY); It is to be a warm weekend and we can get in a lot of swimming; My little dog loves me; I have a fridge full of veggies so no grocery shopping required this weekend; I have amazing reserves of strength, I just need to remember to tap into them.

I must say I have missed the act of writing this past week, and it feels good this morning to clatter away and clear my brain.  Damn I wish the tub were hot....

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 3/30 or 74/100 or 1/1

What a good day yesterday was - well, up to a point. I could have done without the part where I tripped over a puggle, wrenching hip and shoulder and landing on the tripod of elbows and nose - which went 'crunch' but isn't broken; no black eyes and just a little swelling this morning.

The day began with a walk to the dog park with the pack, and once there we met a very nice man and his two min-pins. Back at home Brunch was a yummy Shape shake, followed by housekeeping and then a walk to the pool and swimming. I baked some gluten\dairy free brownies to take to Bunco (yum), and did the quick fix on the front. (I love having the pots of flowers out there, it's so cheery now.) Right up until I did the canine trip I was enjoying being on my feet all day. This happened just before friends were due to arrive to  go with us to play Bunco so I took a pain pill, chugged a beer, and put a bag of frozen strawberries on my nose and my flat ice pack under my hip. It was rather pathetic limping around all night (in Bunco you rotate tables; it's very social) but at least I wasn't suffering the aches and pains of this  morning. This is the first opportunity I have had to wish I hadn't turned down the heat on the hot tub for the summer. This morning I feel my age; this morning it feels good to sit!

Despite the fall, last night was a lot of fun. Friends came that I hadn't seen in too long, and it was good to have a girls night out. There was a minor interruption in the gayety just as we were getting ready to leave for the party; I discovered some missing silver, and my heart broke a little bit. Cycling first through disbelief and anger and ending up at disappointment I was quick to realize they are just things. That being said I'm not sure there is a way back from this; my capacity for love has been diminished just a little bit, and M will have to move mountains to regain that fraction of my heart. As if he cares -I could weep with frustration were I not so exhausted from it all. But I digress into personal forbidden territory and must leave it at that.

I don't believe I will brave the walk to the pool today, but I might drive down and see if being in the water helps my hip. Assuming I finish my taxes as I must. I hate the procrastination that seems to be my nature. Maybe that's where all my problems stem from - the anger I hold for my shortcomings manifesting as depression. Have I just held myself to a standard too high my whole life? Is that even possible? Shouldn't we always strive for the best we can be? This is the sort of conversation I would love to have over a drink with someone else interested in figuring these types of things out. I miss having such a person in my life.

Before I dip a single toe in the pity pool I will go make tea, enjoy the coolness of the morning, and organize my desk to get started on the taxes. I will not let the small inconveniences of yesterday wreck today; I love that each morning is a new beginning.