BLE: What I want

 I have a paper journal for writing down what I am grateful for each day. I try to write in it often, and for each week I have a list that I review and check off each time I make an entry.

This morning after transferring the list to the next week I thought, these are  like sound-bites. What do they really mean? So here goes.

I want

peace of Mind:  I want to enjoy cooking and eating, and then forget all about food until it's time for my next meal. I don't want to dream about the addictive foods that brought me to this place in my life, where I am still writing about and struggling with what I eat and my resulting weight. I want to have the space to think about art, and going fun places, and having my bow tuned in case I want to go hiking and shooting up in the Oakland hills. I don't want to think about when my next opportunity will be to grab something I shouldn't, I don't want to bribe myself with something NMF in the future to be Bright now. I want to stop dreaming about pie, and pizza, and coffee ice cream. They were literally killing me, why can I not reconcile myself to them being evil and destructive? Why does a part of me glamourize them and try to seduce me knowing what I now know? Crazy thoughts, and I want them to be gone.

walk w/o pain: Just that. To walk without being in pain, whether it's my hips, knees, feet or legs. I want to be able to go fun places to hike and see beautiful things. I want to be able to run to Cal if and when he needs me, and take him on adventures out on the golf course.

better blood work: How wonderful it would be to see normal numbers at my annual blood work in January. Especially cholesterol and thyroid. To have my Dr. agree to take me off medications because I no longer need them. To have my blood pressure taken and have it recorded the first time because it's normal and there is no reason to take it a 2nd and 3rd time trying to get lower numbers. To skip the embarrassment of having to stand up while they take it, to skip the shame and blame and all the rest of the garbage feelings that creep their way into one's psyche when the numbers remain too high.

size 12 jeans: While this is a goal, being in a loose size 16 would float my boat about now.  I'm so sick and tired of having three or four or five different sizes of pants in my closet. Jeans are cozy and comfortable when they fit, and to not have to sort by what does and doesn't fit would be so glorious. A true blessing. And right now after a month of grief and parts-work and Halloween my jeans are tight. I don't even know what size they are, just that the elastic band at my waist is no longer loose. Elastic - how sad and pitiful.

better sleep: I seldom sleep more than a few hours at a time. I know that losing weight will help my breathing, and I long for a stretch of six hours at a time so I can wake up refreshed instead of groggy and grumpy and struggling just to make it to the loo, and then the kitchen to make coffee so I can wake up.

better clothes; I am thankful that Walmart and Target carry 'big' girl clothes and that I can at least dress myself. But really, I am so tired of living in tents. It would be so wonderful to be able to pull out a pretty sweater that didn't take a herd of sheep to make and still  looked nice after being washed. Cheap clothes do not travel well in the wash, spin, and dry cycles.

There are so many other things I want, but these are at the cored of what is important right now. So I try to remember why I want to stay Bright, and what can happen if I do. All of these things and more.

So far so Bright today.

BLE: Doing the work - Bright Line Freedom

I am a Bright Liner

I want to have peace of mind around food

I want to walk without pain

I want to have better bloodwork

I want to wear size 12 jeans

I want to sleep better

Reading this list of why I want to lose weight, and checking off each day that I do read it in my gratitude journal is becoming a better habit. And I find myself repeating the list at odd times after first trying to remember what they are! Wait a minute, what was the first one? Oh yea, peace of mind. Then what? Hmmm...  and so on. And then repeating them in order. It's so crazy, it's as though a part of me doesn't want me to have access to this list so I actually won't remember why I want to lose weight.  

Which brings me to my parts work yesterday. I fought hard to not put just one more cookie in my mouth. There it was, sitting all alone on the counter in a snack cup - which makes me feel good now that I think about it that Cal can leave a cookie uneaten! Go him! Anyway, I reached out to my tough chick and asked, is this you that wants to eat the cookie? Because I really don't want it. But she just looked over to a younger child, slowly shaking her head. "This is you?" I ask the little girl quietly, and the memory surfaced unbidden. Her memory, her sadness, her need to fill.

It's easy to see that we have different parts inside of us, being born of trauma while our personalities were developing as babes and children - throughout our whole lives really. But to realize that they have distinct and separate personalities from our 'own true selves' is a little disturbing. They can highjack my brain? My thoughts? My intentions? Yes, it turns out they can.  I met this new one yesterday. She is about eleven years old, and writing 'dirty' words on the bathroom wall in lipstick. It's a vague memory, the actual deed, but what I remember most clearly is being lined up with my brother and sister and interrogated by our parents as to whom had done this thing - as if it was intended to hurt them.

I see now that I was screaming out for attention, for someone to notice that my brother was molesting me and to make it stop. Why we can't find words to just ask for help is beyond me to understand. I know as an adult that it's the most difficult thing in the world to speak truth to power to those closest to us. There must be a survival mechanism at work here that keeps the words from leaving our mouths. Don't rock the boat or you will be thrown off? I don't know why it's such a strong trait,  but it has done me a great disservice both in my childhood and in my more mature years. If only we could just speak plainly and truthfully more often. but I digress.

I thought briefly about apologizing to my mother and siblings, but there has been enough grief around this topic (the molestation, not the lipstick) and I have no wish to open this wound. I think realizing why I did it and forgiving that little girl who stood with her lips sealed instead of confessing under pressure is the important part of this revelation. Because I do forgive her. She tried hard in her own way to ask for help, and I have to respect that. No longer will I feel guilt for not confessing when pressed to do so. Could it really have been such a mystery? Didn't my parents suspect? No one ever reached out to me wondering why anyone would do such a thing. No. Just the interrogation, like we had done something horrible to them.  There is a relief in me, letting that go, loving that little girl and finally after a life of guilt letting her know I understand and forgive and accept what she did on our behalf. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been a 'present' weight in my life - just a memory that would pop up from time to time that was filled with regret and extreme guilt that I wasn't able to tell the truth. Being more clear of mind and doing my parts work has let me really see the bigger picture this time the memory surfaced, that's all.

I go to this little girl, huddled on cold tile, straggly sun-kissed hair drooping around her face, and lift her chin. Wipe away her tears. Sit with her and hold her close. I let her know how brave she was, and how thankful I am she was strong enough to try to help. I let her know we are older now, and ready to leave all this behind us. We get up and take a walk outside around to the back of the house where my grandfather once had a garden. I show her the sunflowers growing tall and bright, and tell her my secret. "You can put your sorrows into the seeds of those flowers, and they will turn into little black birds and fly away. And you can stay and play in the garden whenever you want; we can be happy now." And I leave her there digging peacefully in the dirt, the sun shining on her face.

She is not the first part to release pain in that garden, and I can't help but wonder if there are more to come. And so the healing continues.

Today's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner) Yesterday was so good it's just a repeat

•  b: rice, beans & cheese, oranges
•  l:  chopped salad, meatballs, bleu cheese dressing, pears & blueberries
• d: soyrizo, chili corn mix, cream cheese

Another Bright night under my belt. Go Me.

BLE: No Dairy rezoom

I find anger lurking just beneath the surface this morning, my narrator trying to insert false ideas that in theory should justify eating before lunchtime. Wondering about the why dissipates the urge to eat, and instead I am grateful for the lunch that is set out on the counter awaiting mealtime. Instead I am interested in the grumblings of my stomach and thinking about the why of it. My best guess is the heavy dinner that included meat and cheese. I remember something about digesting animal protein, and how once the body is geared up to process it (acid), it craves more of the raw material to keep processing.

What did Fuhrman call it?  Toxic hunger? What I am feeling is not hunger, but the withdrawal symptoms from digesting a toxin - otherwise known as animal protein. God, it's all coming back. The reason I started eating for nutrition, the studies, the science, the moral dilemmas.

In a way it's a good thing, this feeling; the shakes, the stomach growling like a starving bear, the slight flush in my face and the anxiety in my chest. I'm feeling it all, and just knowing it's not hunger helps to calm my mind.

Glancing at the clock I see it's only eight minutes to lunchtime. Thank God.

BLE: Reevaluating yesterday's thoughts

So of course I had it backwards. The basic point behind Bright Line Freedom is to start living more in the body and less in the brain. Not to say I am confusing Spirit & Mind, I am not, but for now I am back to focusing on the body and spiritual work can come later. Or concurrent. Whatever. But I need to experience my feelings physically, and not think them through, avoid them, or worse case scenario bury them deep. We eat instead of feeling, or as common nomenclature states, "we eat our feelings." I, eat my feelings. Not as a way to avoid pain as i have often thought and read and been told, but instead of feeling pain. A subtle difference, but an important one.

I knew this months ago, a year ago, and it sort of just slipped my mind. Focusing on feeling everything is my goal this coming week. If I want to eat and it's not driven by hunger, I will stop and wonder what I am feeling, and where in my body it shows up. I will continue to question the parts that show up but focus on their feelings too, and where they show up in 'our' body.

In other words, I will do the work instead of paying it lip service. And it turns out that my inability to remember to do the work is just another part of me whom I will try to meet. I am tempted to call he Missy A - for avoidance - but instead will wait for her, or him, to show up and let them name themselves. I will be present and not disappear into video games or solitaire. I till try. I will be unstoppable.

And I'm out of pep talk.

Today's food

• b)  Colby jack cheese on triscuits, a perfectly ripe large plum
• l)  half a delicious cauliflower crust pizza from Blaze w\ spinach, red onions, mozzarella, Kalamata olives and pepperoni. Oh and a spicy red sauce that left my mouth warm and happy, and to finish a crisp, sweet apple.
• d)  veggie chili w\ pinto beans and soyrizo sausage

The veggies for the chili are on the stove where they will simmer for a while. Onions, green peppers, a jalapeno (seeded) and a large can of crushed tomatoes with a bay leaf, oregano, cumin and chili powder are all in the pot making friends. I'll mix up the soyrizo and beans separately so I can measure and weigh out lunches for next week knowing each container is exactly the right portion. I'll add cheese or olives for my fat depending on my mood.

Tomorrow I'll roast up a batch of cherry tomatoes, carrots, sweet potato (just a little) and onion with Mrs. Dash's onion and herb blend - my favorite. I need to use up the lentils in the freezer so they will be dinners next week. And yes, another goal next week is to limit the animal protein. I ate way too much last week and will blame that on how grumpy and tired I have been.

Breakfast next week will depend on the weather. If it warms up I will be making blueberry & spinach smoothies with almond milk and flax for the protein. If it's still chilly I'll make a pot of steel cut oats, and split my protein to include flax meal. I've got to get rid of these blues!

It's been cold all day, and I now know more about ancient China and mining gold than I probably need. But it's nice to take a day to do nothing and just cuddle up and stay warm.

I think I had better head to the kitchen and do a better job of washing my hands; I can feel the jalapeno starting to burn.

The rain that was forecast for this afternoon has arrived. I wish the chili was ready.

BLE: Of Body and Spirit

Let me just say upfront that I am not a Christian; I believe there are more ways than one to reach 'heaven.' That being said, I do believe in Jesus the man, and that he was enlightened, and that while the bible has many flaws being written by mostly men hundreds of year later, it too was probably written by mostly enlightened people with mostly good intentions.

I'm not sure why I am thinking about this just now, but it occurred to me this morning that many valuable lessons have been there for thousands of years, but as a general rule we are just too stubborn to embrace them.

To thine own self be true.

    Turns out this one is actually from Hamlet  by Shakespeare, but he was so often paraphrasing from the Bible that it counts. But no, wait, a few minutes with Google and we get to Greek Philosophy.  So maybe not from the bible, but still millennium old wisdom so it stays. The search also brought up the below interpretation, which is spot on when applied to my Bright Line Eating journey. 

 "The first meaning is that someone can better judge himself if he has done what he should or could have done. The second meaning is that one must be honest in his ways and relations. The third meaning is that one must always do the right thing."

(OMG, my writers brain wants to expand this quote into a paper; maybe later.)

Your body is a temple.

     “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?"  I am choosing to disregard the next sentence which is IMHO just political in nature. Meaning that it is someone else's interpretation put forth with an agenda to control through power. Of course that is (again IMHO) the whole bible, a conglomeration of stories skewed and interpreted to control the population. Which is sad, because the core lesson is so valuable if you believe as I and many others do that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. 

And of course Ezekiel bread:

     "Take wheat and barley, beans and lentils, millet and spelt; put them in a storage jar and use them to make bread for yourself."

I realized why I am thinking about these lessons this morning. Because Saturday mornings I meet with my master mind group and they inspire me to be a better person, and I actually spend time prepping for that meeting and focusing on my journey and how I could be doing better. I will take it as a message from within that I am spending too much time on the wrong things. That my journey has been too much about my physical self, and not enough about my spirit.  Well, duh!

It's so much easier to make this about wanting to lose weight, about freeing the inner-athlete that so badly wants to go play with bows and arrows again.  I guess I have a core belief that if my body is ready the spirit will follow. that if I am comfortable in my body I will have the strength and motivation to pursue a more spiritual life. Just maybe, it really is the other way around.

BLE: Another Spring day

I spent ten minutes or so blathering on here about how I ended up in the kitchen with reading glasses on this morning, then instead of saving the post accidentally deleted it. I do not have the motivation to re-create the post. Let's just say that if  you are farsighted, and not in the mood to start Spring cleaning, do NOT put your reading glasses on in the kitchen.

It's looking to be a gorgeous day, in the 70's, and I am looking forward to spending time outside with Cal and Sparky. Oh, speaking of which, M found a picture of a black Jack Russel (who knew there was such a thing!) and he looks just like Sparky! So not a Chiweenie, but a Jackshund! This explains his ears, the white strip down his chest, and how large he is growing!  R is wondering about his DNA, and I see a test in his future so we know for sure. Not that it matters, he's a keeper!

Today's Food:

• (b)  red potatoes left over from dinner, 1 egg, mozzarella cheese, forgot my fruit!
• (l)  raw cabbage, celery, red onion, garbanzo & red kidney beans, romaine, mayo, catsup, Apple
• (d)  Stone stoup; using up leftovers for a Bright meal

A note about my food. Posting in the morning after breakfast, you can be sure that part of the menu is accurate as is lunch 99% of the time. Dinner, not so much. Depending on a number of factors this may change a little or entirely. But starting out the day knowing what my dinner will be is important, and if life intervenes to change things up, I am amenable as long as it's still Bright.

I spent some time yesterday wondering about why I still have an angry part, and tried to engage her to figure it out, but couldn't really bring the part forward to do the work. It's such a strong part when she appears, that one would think she is always bubbling just under the surface, but this is not the case. And I think it's the surprise factor as much as anything that throws me for a loop once she does show up, strong and in my face so to say. I will try a guided meditation for this protector part once Cal goes down for his nap today, a much better use of my time than another episode of OUAT. Okay, that looks funny, I may as well have just type out Once Upon A Time.

Good intentions aside, It's nice to be in a good mood.

But I do wonder what Emma is up to .....

BLE: Sidetrapped

Everything is okay until it isn't. One moment on the straight and narrow, the next in the ditch. There is a saying about how we are always just 2 steps from the ditch, or if you are in the ditch how you are always just 2 steps from the road. Something like that. Yesterday I was wearing a new tank top, and noticed my arms were thinner. Which reminded me of shooting my bow, and how I would love to be that strong again. The weather being in the 70s I put another tank top on this morning, and by this afternoon was eating off plan. It has not been a Bright day. I don't know if it was the sight of thinner arms, or because I had just written about how my days are almost always Bright, but someone inside was activated.

The question becomes, which rebel's cage did I rattle and why wasn't I able to work through the urge to eat. In the moment there was panic, a tightening of my chest, a fierce determination to eat...something, anything, and right now. I let myself feel a little disgusted before calming down and deciding it wasn't the end of the world. Instead it is an opportunity for inner-work, and learning about this savage part that jumps in so hot and heavy without warning. Savage, maybe I'll vision her as Sheena, Queen of the Jungle and put her in a loin cloth. Some wild and ratted hair, a spear, and I'm ready to invite her for a knock down, drag out confrontation. But no, that is not how we operate, we mind our manners.

And here comes the anger, because I am really mad at her, and want her to understand how I feel. Following my instincts, I think that will need to come first, and then the love. Eventually? Because it's really hard to unblend from her at the moment, and that has to happen first.

Deep breath. Well, a few deep breaths. This is nothing, and definitely not the beginning of anything. It was just a few minutes of crazy and I'm over it.  Well, not exactly over it, the analyzer part of me is still trying to figure out what the trigger was. Maybe the cookies I picked up for Cal at lunch, maybe knowing there is Easter chocolate still in the house and leftover pizza in the fridge.  And homemade cookies out in the garage. Maybe, just maybe, it's the culmination of all of those things, and it was just more than my inner psyche could bear.

I tell myself things will be different once Cal's treatment is over and we aren't stressing about his calorie intake. I tell myself things will be different once cortisol levels even out once Covid isn't breathing down our necks. I tell myself things will be different once Summer is here, and we're outside more.  But I can't live in the future, I need to live in the day. In this day. And I need to go settle down and seek the part who has managed to 'sidetrap' me. (Cal's latest expression which I am finding very accurate.)

Back to work, not smiling, but no longer super angry.

BLF: Copy and Paste

Being Bright a couple of days and nights in a row means my calories are down and my hunger is up. I have cardamom tea to sip on, and just over an hour to go until dinner, and I am sitting down to write to kill time. The dog and his boy are curled up next to my desk on my bed watching Netflix on their way to a nap. We all wonder different things about Cal's last couple of years in treatment, the way he has been raised, and how it has all affected him. Screen time has been a huge source of comfort for him, but in light of the last Covid year, I think most of us are taking a ride in that boat now anyway, 

Summer plans are in the works, and he loves being outside at every opportunity, so I'm not worried about it. Just curious. Will he ever sit down to a meal without his pad? Will he be able to fall asleep to the sound of crickets instead of Octonauts?  Time will tell.

Today's Food:

• (b)  farrow, refried beans, salsa, cheese and a small banana w\ the last of the blackberries
• (l)  roasted veggies, hamburger stewed w\ tomatoes & onions, apple
• (d)  cabbage, red onion, red pepper salad w\ artichoke hearts, red kidney beans & parmesan

Meals are easy to record this week, just copy and paste, and since keeping it simple is encouraged it feels good to be working that part of the program again. Everything is so good, it's easy to eat the same thing over and over again. I'll do another batch of roasted veggies tomorrow, they are almost gone, and prep some oatmeal for the next batch of breakfast containers to switch things up a bit in the morning; love me some peanut butter and oatmeal!

I have listened to other Bright Liners talk about eating the exact same thing for breakfast or lunch for years, and I will admit I don't get that. But having a pocketful of go-to meals that I love definitely makes it easy to eat Bright every meal of every day. Which I have mostly done since October 2019; three Bright meals and done.  Until Midnight. Which is how I have maintained the weight lost so far. There is a small part of me that jumps up at the thought of losing more weight; all I have to do is not eat at night - the rest is handled. This is the manic part that after two Bright nights in a row is full of enthusiasm and plans and fills my head with thoughts of hiking and shooting my bow again. In cute shorts.

The IFS conversation that follows is about me calming her down, letting her know that things really aren't going to change that much or that quickly, and to please put on some bunny slippers while she curls up in an easy chair to just wait and see. I appreciate her passion, but we don't want to poke the bear that is my rebel, and she agrees to tone it down a bit. I take a few minutes to really envision her, the way she looks and feels, the fabric on the chair she's snuggled into, the adorable pink bunny slippers she is wearing that go so well with her soft grey yoga pants. The more details the better, and the calm moves through me, a soft ocean wave that smooths over any imperfections of the sand that is my ego.

I can also feel the calm emanating from the bed beside me, both little beasts having fallen asleep while I tapped away. Time to go chop some veggies, and put together a big beautiful salad to have ready at exactly 4pm when I will eat my dinner. Have I mentioned that? Breakfast at 8am, Lunch at 11am (I know, it should be 12 but I can never wait), and dinner at 4pm. That gives me a fasting window of 16 hours when I stay Bright all night.  Eating early is no longer reserved for Senior Citizens, even thought I am one now, and it's a good feeling to know I'm not just a fuddy duddy old lady, but part of a movement looking for better health through food and habits.

As I said, time to chop.

BLF: Bright and more Bright

Last night while lying in bed I promised myself, or at least one of myselves, that she could have Harvest Grain Pancakes from iHop if she could just wait until morning to eat. I was desperate and it was a last ditch effort to stay Bright. It worked. I slept. And luckily this morning I was back on track mentally as I always find myself in the morning and easily ate a big Bright breakfast. It would have been so easy too; R had taken Cal to treatment and wouldn't be back for hours, and I had dropped A off at school. So free time to do what ever I pleased.  Which turned out not to be pancakes but coming home and signing on to work for an hour and a half. Go Me.

It was an easy day. Cal lay down for a nap and R took A to lunch so the house was quiet and I logged some more time at work. Then R and I watched a movie in the middle of a Monday afternoon! It was nice to relax, Mondays are usually so hard, and it was a really nice change of pace even though I ended up working a couple of extra hours.

Today's food:

• (b)  farrow, refried beans, salsa, cheese and a small banana and some blackberries
• (l)  roasted veggies, hamburger stewed w\ tomatoes & onions, apple
• (d)  cabbage, red onion, red pepper salad w\ artichoke hearts, red kidney beans & parmesan

So I was Bright today following a Bright night, and my brain is in a good place heading into this evening. I'm thinking about Summer clothes, and how fun it is to watch R getting smaller all the time, and thinking about how I can be doing the same thing if I can stay focused and not lapse into moodiness. Reminder to self, add back ground flax meal and spinach to your meals!!

I'm really glad I cooked this weekend, it makes everything so much easier when I know exactly what's in the fridge and what my meals for the next day are. Which of course is one of the fixes for will-power depletion. 

And I can see from the thoughts that are popping up that the part of me that wants to manage everything is peeking her head out, letting me know how I could be doing things perfectly, and I am calmly assuring her that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at the moment and that she can go rest and take it easy for awhile. "I've got this", I tell her in the nicest way possible. And it's these little conversations that will make the difference, and noticing why I am doing something before it becomes problematic. Too perfect leads to deprivation which wakes up the rebel and there I go back into the ditch.  Not this time ladies, not this time.

Sanity in check, I'm ready for some night time tea, and American Idol.

BLE: Hawaii; blessing or curse

 As I sit down to write I can clearly see Helen Hunt saying to Jack Nicholson something like, "I wish I had your problems where someone wants to lend me their convertible to get out of the city!" I know it's not an accurate quote from As Good As It Gets, but the point is that this is a problem that literally millions would love to have. That is how blessed my life is and also a small footnote about how I may not be as grateful as I think I am.

My daughter looked me in the eye earlier today and told me to prepare myself because we are going to Hawaii in August. All of us, including me. I've been thinking about this on and off for a bit because I knew it was a possibility and was preparing my polite regrets for if it became an actuality. The long flight, the pain, taking time apart. So much for that plan; the look in her eye was pointed and clear - I was going.

So how is that a problem? Because of the pressure I feel to stay Bright and lose some more weight in the next few months. Realistically I want to do that anyway, and recently being able to commit has been a topic in my master mind group. So really, the Universe just handed me a challenge to speed along the lesson.

This week the focus will be on staying Bright, and connecting with the part of me that rebels against perceived, or self inflicted, pressure. Why my parts have to fight is a bit of a mystery, but I know there is history behind the whys and wherefores of my parts and that it is up to me to decipher the lot, offer love and understanding, and bring them into the fold. Kicking and screaming if needs be.

In group yesterday I mentioned that I need to update my parts map to include the parts I have identified since we first took the Bright Line Freedom course. And of course now it feels like homework - but only to the part of me that is dragging her heels and spitting and cursing at the inconvenience of it all. "I mean really", she says, "just pop a bowl of popcorn and forget about it!" Yes, she does have some nerve. But I will love her, and I will welcome her, and with all the self compassion I can muster.

Today's food:

• (b)  farrow, refried beans, salsa, cheese and a small banana and some blackberries
• (l)  roasted veggies, hamburger stewed w\ tomatoes & onions, apple
• (d)  cauliflower soup, bbq pulled pork, green salad w\ artichoke hearts & parmesan

Dinner was different than planned, but M came home with left over bbq, and I had some veggie soup to finish up, and turns out it was a marriage made in heaven. The lentils will wait.

A quick trip to Kohls this afternoon for some Summer tops found me shopping in the Ladies section, not to be confused with the Women's Plus section, and the tops all fit. I'm still in an XXL, but they are smaller than the XXL's you find in the plus sizes so I am not too bent out of shape. This was a good reminder to stay on track. While it's nice to be down 30 #s, I need the next 30 to leave now. Like right now, before Hawaii. And there it is, the stress of expectations I don't trust myself to meet.

One Day At A Time. This is going to happen.

BLF: The angry part

Yesterday, and actually all week, I was struggling again with thoughts of food. But yesterday I got mad about it, first mad at the part of me that couldn't stop thinking about food, and then at the food that brought me to this place I am at in my life. Bright Line Eating has brought me to a place where I need to accept that I am a food addict, and that every time I put sugar or flour in my mouth it's just extending the time it will take to heal from that addiction. Drug addicts who enjoy recovery do not partake sparingly of their drug of choice. And neither can I. 

So my parts work this week has been about working with that part (or parts) who generate so much anger. I have never considered myself to be an angry person, have in fact taken a little bit of pride on being a calm and patient person. A mediator, and one who practices the Pollyanna game of trying to find the good in everything and everyone. Not that I always succeed, and not usually with myself. Which is why the lesson of self compassion has been so important in my parts work. 'All parts are welcome.' So working to accept and understand the part of me that is so angry has been and continues to be a challenge.

I did finally reach a place of calm yesterday, redirecting the anger I was feeling away from myself and towards the food that has been poison to me for so long. I mean really, why would I plan to go eat something that has been nothing but a detriment to my physical and mental health for the past forty years or so. Well, not nothing, I think there must have been pleasure involved, but it was never anything but a feeling so fleeting as to barely register any satisfaction at all. Which is part of the addiction, never feeling satisfied and always wanting or needing more. And that's the curse, the never ending need and the chatter that revolves around it.

I am focused this coming week on engaging with that chatter, and using G's approach from our master mind group this morning by saying to that angry part, "tell me more about that", and remembering to breath, and accept, this part of myself.

Early this morning I loaded up my grocery cart with mostly fruits and vegetables, and resisted the urge to bring anything I wouldn't eat myself home to the grandkids. Cal asks for chocolate cake daily, and it's hard to not indulge him when you see those are the only calories he might eat all day. Chemo and chocolate do make good bed fellows I guess, nausea and the endorphins to make one feel better. Thank heavens treatment is coming to an end this Summer.

I've roasted off a couple of trays of veggies, to use for prepping lunches and dinners. I have a pot of ground beef, onions, and tomatoes simmering, part of it to make a ziti bake for the kids and their dad, and part of it to serve over zoodles for me and R. For the rest of the week I have lentils in the freezer ready to make stoups for lunches, and there is lots of fresh veg for big dinner salads. Left over homemade refried beans and farrow will be breakfast with some salsa and cheese thrown in. And there is a big basket of Sugar Bee apples, crunchy and sweet, begging to be eaten.

Time to head out for some sun. I've already watered the tomatoes, peppers, and peas, and I think it's time for a walk on the 'used to be golf course' with my audio book.

BLE: A slice of Peace

Last night was Bright, and it wasn't until this morning that I realized there was left over pizza in the fridge. I am a little flabbergasted; I knew the family had brought in pizza for dinner and it never occurred tome to have some? Not once did my brain start planning the sneak attack? I didn't think about moving left overs into the garage fridge so I wouldn't be tempted. I didn't lie in bed waiting for the house to be dark and quiet so I could grab a piece. I didn't think about it at all. Not even a little bit. Not even when I stopped in the hallway around midnight and made the decision to just go back to bed. Nothing, not a single wisp of a thought.

It's a first. Pizza has been my all time go-to for over forty years. I think I was 21 when I started working for my In-Laws at Round Table, and when we weren't wired we were eating pizza. It has always been my comfort food, and I spent my life knowing I was over-indulging. Yet it never occurred to me that my behavior was that of an addict. And that coming off of a few years of drug use that made me intimately familiar with the concept of addiction. It took SPT to make the connection and tell me all about it in Bright Line Eating.

This morning I was listening to one of Oprah's Super Soul Sunday episodes, and while I can't remember the gentleman's name, I remember the message. When you find yourself adrift in a valley, look for the forest. And  you have to go through the forest alone, to make your way up the next mountain.  So, when you are complacent, accept the next challenge, because the mountain you get to climb on the other side brings the next wonderful thing to your life.

That's what this journey of food addiction feels like, a forest that I am fighting my way through. But on this journey I have support, and friends, in my MMG, and not wanting to let them down has been a source of stress for me. Especially this week after committing to stay Bright and not being able to follow through. And I think that is the point. While they are here for me, I have to be here for myself. While they are companions on this trek through the forest, I am the one who has to do the work. And that is what I was feeling last night as I was preparing for bed; the responsibility I need to hold for my self care. I am the only one who can do it, and I need to accept that and stop looking for anyone or anything to rescue me.

There is no rescue, there is only the work that will get me through, that will gain  me passage to what is next. I already know this, having confronted the whole, 'there is no knight in shining armour' syndrome that all girls and boys of my generation have had to face. But I don't think I really KNEW it. A part of me is so stubborn, and has just refused the responsibility. I can still feel that spark of resentment, that little voice campaigning for an easy life, the one I should have had. Like I was entitled or something.

This human experience is so strange. I admire those who have figured out there is more to it than just going through the physical motions, but it's not something I ever thought to attain for myself. It was beyond me somehow, or something I didn't need to do because I've already been here and done that. Such a strange concept, but such a strong feeling of certainty has always accompanied that thought. Like, someone else accomplishing enlightenment means I have too just by recognizing it in them. Again, so strange.

Bottom line, I know I am the one doing the work now, and that part of the work is figuring out why a 'commitment' changes anything about my intentions. And of course that is true for the rest of my MM Group. We may be on this journey together, but each of us has to do the work alone. Fight through the forest alone.

I realize this morning that there has been a small shift, and it's because of the inner-work I am doing, attempting to do, whatever. Because not thinking of pizza didn't just manifest out of the blue. Something had to have happened for that significant of a change to have occurred in my brain. Finally, a small slice of peace. Literally.

BLE: A snapshot of the life of a Food Addict

Four Bright nights behind me and I noticed today that I feel/look thinner.  My first instinct was telling myself to just ignore it and keep moving forward. But I can't. Because that is what doesn't work. I have known for years that anyone noticing my weight is a trigger, and this time, instead of pretending I can handle it and everything will be okay, I am going to try and journal about it.

It's the classic excuse, "I'm wearing a fat suit to protect myself." This concept has so much baggage attached to it that it feels like a cop-out to even consider the idea. But as with every old wives tale, it is based on a profound truth. Women ( and, I daresay, men) having been using food as a weapon against being attractive. Because that is so often the catalyst for abuse, or unwanted attention. It's a shame that there is so much, chauvinism?, in our society that there is blame attached to being attractive.  That to believe they are superior, some need to exert power over others, and in the case of men vs women, that if a woman is attractive she is just 'asking for it'. 

What a sick society to be raised in, and how warped our perceptions can become when grown under that constant and unrelenting pressure. No one was 'woke' in the fifties, or at least those that were didn't have a large enough voice to reach the little girls and boys of the era. So I was raised to know I was 'less than' just by being myself. And when, as that bright, athletic, and curvy girl I attracted the attention of others more powerful than myself, well, what other weapon did I have than to cover up that girl and hide her inside a fat suit?

Not that I ever had the thought, "Gee, I guess I have to just eat my way into a body that won't draw attention, and that way I won't get hurt." No, that's not how it happens. This is how it happens. At the age of ten, you are 'asked' to dance naked on the bed, and afterwards you grab a slice of bread and cheese. Your dopamine receptors light up at the hit of highly processed flour, and for a moment you feel better. The link is forged between eating and feeling better. And just maybe, a part of you splinters off, and continues to use this tool of eating to help you feel better more and more often. And an addict is born.

The addict who will creep up the wooden stairs to the kitchen in the middle of the night to sneak food out of the kitchen. The addict who will walk three blocks in the rain to buy a loaf of French bread and eat it all in one sitting, by herself in an apartment in San Francisco. The addict who finishes all of the macaroni and cheese prepared for her young children over years and years and years. The addict who can eat half a large pizza on her way home from work at midnight. And finally, at 66 years old, the addict who wakes up in the middle of the night and creeps into the kitchen to find something, anything, to scratch that itch.

A lifetime of fighting, and being blind to why food had to be such a battle and such a curse in her life. A lifetime of feeling inadequate because she couldn't control her eating. A lifetime of missed everything because she didn't have anything to wear, or couldn't bear how she looked, or couldn't leave the house. 

Some say that food maybe be the road to enlightenment for some, and that may be true, but at just this moment I am so mad, so angry, at everything. At the world, at my brother, at every doctor who ignored my weight for the symptom that it was of an underlying problem. And yes, at myself, that I wasn't smart enough to figure this out sooner. That when I heard, "you are what you eat" I didn't appreciate what it really meant and take action to heal myself.

And I am so tired of being mad. So tired of the fight, especially when I have the tools now to fix this.

I will come back and read this tonight before bed. If I have to be mad to get another Bright night under my belt, then so be it. Because trying to stay calm and ignore these feelings hasn't worked, isn't working, and I need, really need, to get this food addiction under control.

BLE: Five Bright Nights in a row

The first Bright night was my Birthday, and I'm realizing now that it's a great starting place to count how many Bright nights I have in a row.  I want a whole week, which I have done before, but more than that I want to reach ten days in a row. While I probably had that many in a row back in the beginning, I wasn't tracking anything then. Thinking about it, the only reason I am tracking now is a commitment I made to myself on 5/6/2020 when I sketched out my first 100 day block. Looking back in my paper journal there were only a dozen Bright Nights in that first of five blocks. The second block had 39 Bright Nights, and the third had only 23.  

It's easy now to look back and see that the third block was full of IFS work, and that while I was learning about my parts, my lines suffered. But almost always my days were Bright, and just my nights were broken. And I have learned so much, I cannot begrudge my past self her broken lines, because I know it brought me here.

I am feeling a little tired this morning, and I have a crick in my neck that I need to attend to in a bit, but what I don't have is a feeling of hopelessness.  For now at least, it is just gone, and I can clearly see my path forward; reaching ten days in a row, then a month. And I can really see all the way to living in my right sized body.

I was exactly 200 pounds on the scale this morning. The scale was still in the bathroom and my pjs were practically falling off anyway, so I stepped on. And it came to me that I really know, deep in my heart, that this is the week that I keep my Bright Lines and break through to the 100s. Onederland or Wonderland...whatever, just a number that helps mark the way to the smaller body I know is waiting for me.

The scale is still going back to the garage today. If and when I want to weigh I can borrow R's scale, or go to the garage and weigh there since the weather should continue to improve as we head into Spring. I think May 1st is a good goal, and I don't plan on having to weigh until then.

It's another gorgeous day outside, and I have some gardening to do after my MMG this morning. I am so thankful for this group who has helped me reach this point in my recovery from food addiction. And even more grateful that they will be there for me if and when I fall on my face again. Just knowing that fills me with power and peace; the power to succeed, and the peace to accept whatever is coming my way.

Power and Peace. Interesting that they can co-exist in such a positive way.

My belly full of toast, sausage, and purple grapes, I leave to enjoy my day.

BLE: A good Day

Today's Food:

(b) ham on toast;  fresh pineapple, banana, red grapes

(l) pork & beans; zucchini, onions & green beans;  red grapes & blueberries

(d) cauliflower crust pizza w\ mushrooms & red onions

We brought in food from Blaze Pizza, and our cauliflower crust pizzas were good, and satisfying. Just what we wanted. Then I googled the ingredients, and of course rice flour was third on the list for the crust. Taking all the ingredients into consideration, flour was definitely lower than third on the list, but I was disappointed in the high fat content and we won't be indulging as regularly as we might have had we not looked. But once you know, you can't not know. R says we can do better at home, and I'm sure we will be doing some experimenting with cleaner ingredients.

Cal had a good day; no pain meds, two naps, acting normal thank heavens. His lips are still really chapped and he has complained a couple of times about pain. But very little food has passed his lips. We are optimistic that tomorrow will keep getting better and that he will start eating soon. Currently he is surviving on milk, chocolate milk, strawberry milk, chocolate cake, and chocolate chip cookies. Everyone's dream diet, no? No. Definitely a no.

This morning in my MMG we talked about how easy it is to forget that we 'want' to improve our lives, and fall into the trap of negative self talk that includes the words 'need' and 'have to' when it comes to following the plan. We don't have to do shit, that only triggers rebellion. But focusing on what we want, well, there lies the glory of positive affirmations. I want to move better, I want to wear cute jeans, I want to be able to keep up with the grandkids. I want to be healthy until I die. No one is making me do this, it is a choice I am making because I want to, because these are things I want for myself. Don't I?

So many years of feeling like a failure, and accepting that I don't deserve a better life, has done some damage to my own true self. Or rather, has covered up my authentic being. Because up until Joey's death I felt myself to be a good person; always playing the Pollyanna game, always being helpful, always the hard worker bee. I can see now that in some ways his death did break me, or rather, it broke off a part of me that would become a protector. A part that recognized my need to hide away, and cultivated an attitude of 'not caring' so I had an excuse to say no to life. It was an easy fix, to just say yes to food instead.

I've worked through so much this past year. Accepting that a big beautiful life doesn't mean having a spotlight trained on me, it just means being happy in the moment and saying yes to anything that sounds wonderful. I don't have to go out in the world and accomplish great things, I just need to accept the world as it is and embrace every golden moment that is offered up. Every ray of sunshine and every little kiss on the cheek, I treasure them all. And those moments are all as important as any grand gesture experience by another living their best life.

So many thousands of years of philosophers helping humans to just exist. It makes me wonder why it has to be so complicated, and why we aren't evolving organically into our best lives. Just ugly bags of walking water - yes a Star Trek reference- and so complicated we're still trying to figure out how to exist in harmony with our planet. I still think we will exterminate ourselves, and wish the next cycle of life better luck.

Well that was some rabbit hole I wandered into. Suffice it to say that I am ending my day optimistic, as I end most of them, and heading into my dark night focusing on what I want.  Focusing on what I will say to my rebel when she wants to get up for a snack pretending that she just doesn't care. I will tell her that I want to heal, I want to be pain free, I want to get up from my chair and just walk without waiting for my body to catch up.

These are simple things, but will change my life, and I want them. I do.

BLF: Bright Line Eating mini-review

I would love to comment on the weather, but knowing I have friends in the South who are 'freezing their assess off' I have no room to do so. Instead I will note that I am grateful for warm clothes, a cozy home, and hot food. We are blessed.

Another Bright night behind me, and as it is bedtime I will note that I expect to have another one in front of me.  This is the first time since I began using my 100 day charts back on May 6th 2020 that I have had six Bright nights in a row. A fairly dismal statistic. But then I really took stock of my Bright Line Eating journey using milestones, and looking from this perspective it's not as crazy as it sounds.

10/6/19: Initial weigh-in when I began BLE

1/4/20: Down 15 lbs; I was losing barely over one pound per week

2/22/20: Down 20 lbs; drove South to visit my Mother & began snacking in the middle of the night. I learned later this was a triggering event. But it led me to seek out the Freedom course, so it's all good. A part of the food journey that has brought me to this point.

7/24/20: Down 26 lbs; Bright Line Freedom; started parts work

12/5/20: Down 30 lbs; IFS session on night eating, identified rebel part

1/23/21: No change; identified tough chick part and the next day began intermittent fasting

2/15/21: No Idea; scale in garage since 2/1/21

I'm grateful to have maintained the 30 lbs loss, and grateful for the parts work that is letting me integrate the pieces of myself that needed to heal. At least a couple of them. And while there is still a part of me that rebels against the inner work I am doing with my master mind group from Bright Line Freedom, there is no denying that it is helping. That I am healing.

What other blessings have come from my MMG? I no longer beat myself up if I make a mistake, I treat myself with the kindness and patience I used to reserve for others, and every day I cherish the moments that I can be still, and present, and grateful. I have learned that living One Day at a Time is not just a trick to stay Bright, but a new way to experience what a day actually is. As in it's everything, so just be here.

At the moment I am enjoying that I am back on track with my BLE program, and that as I continue to focus on my Bright Lines I will get back to losing the weight. The parts work of the past months have been worth it if that happens, as I suspect it will. So while I head to bed with cold feet,  my heart is warm and full of hope.

Please let this last. Please let this be true.

BLE: Bright Nights, Joey, and Cal

And then there were five. Or, at least there will be once I stay Bright tonight. And I can feel it coming. Even with chocolate cake sitting on the kitchen counter, I know it's not for me, and that I will have another Bright night. There is a quote shared on my bootcamp Facebook page today, that is apropos to how I am feeling just now. " I am learning to love the sound of  my feet walking away from things not meant for me." I made a weak attempt to find the origins of this, but was overwhelmed by the images - this is obviously popular and I am not alone in having it ring truth to power. Funny that it took so long to make it's way into my arena of influence.

Our master mind group this morning was...wonderful? Enlightening? It's such an incredible experience to learn that we share so much in common, coming from such diverse back grounds to arrive here on similar paths. Of course, food is our path apparently, to do the work towards enlightenment. Or some such. And it's our struggles with eating that have brought us to this inner-work, and so a shout out to Bright Line Freedom and Susan B Thompson for throwing out the signposts to get us to the point.

This morning I spoke a bit to the group, just a little, about how this coming week will mark another anniversary since Joey passed. Passed on, passed through ... just gone from his human experience, and from our lives. And finally I am able to say truthfully that I will not let losing him mean that I will lose myself too. I'm sure I'm misquoting someone horribly, but you get the gist. I can no longer hide under the guilt, I can no longer use it as shield between myself and living a worthwhile life. Maybe it's the sugar/flour brain cloud lifting that is helping me to see more clearly, and letting me release the idea that I was somehow responsible for his death so early in his life. Early on I would try to comfort myself by telling the story that this was just his path, that he had learned what he came here to experience and was moving on. But I was never able to let go of the feeling that I had played a part; that I had failed as his mother. I should have been more aware, and done more to protect him. 

And while I still feel that is true, I also know I did the best I could, loved him the best I knew how, and tried to be there for him as he struggled on his way.  But for years I had a story rattling around in my head, that I was unworthy of anything, and didn't care about anything. And now I know that this story was just that, a story. Something I told myself to justify my distance from the world. The big excuse for always saying no to invitations, my get out of jail free card for social commitments and participating. It's time to let the story go.

What I said this morning, is that through our parts work, I have learned that crying is a natural way to release emotions, and that this year my tears are for releasing grief, not for feeling sorry for everything. And I will let them come as they will, and be filled with love instead of anguish as I do my grieving. How I wish I could see him, hug him, and hear his voice. But I am so grateful that I can still feel his arm around my neck, holding on tight as a toddler as we made our way through the day. That I can see him frying tacos in the kitchen and setting off the fire alarm every single time.  That our memories bring his energy alive, and for just that moment he is with us again.

I will always hold dear to my heart the memory of his parting message to me as I drove to Oakland, where unbeknownst to me he already lay lifeless; the window he opened from the other side to let me know he was okay. It's the lifeline I have held on to for the last fifteen years, and will continue to hold on to for the rest of my life. Knowing he was somewhere, that his spirit had survived and was moving on. I pray to something better, something fun and beautiful and worthy.

But that anniversary is three days away. Tonight is another anniversary altogether, and I would be remiss not to mention it. Two years ago R called us together in this very room to say the Dr's had diagnosed Cal with leukemia. "Scariest family meeting ever", I told R earlier this evening as we reminisced. It has changed us all I think, but there being no control group I couldn't tell you how. He is two years into treatment, with hopefully just another six months or so to go. They have been through so much with him; hospital stays, IV's, daily meds, a port in his chest for easy access for chemo treatments, and the scariest for me, the lumbar punctures. It's all such a part of our everyday lives, it's hard to imagine going 'back to normal'. Of course, there is still the pandemic, so things won't change drastically right away, but our lives will be different again.

There is a lot of love in this house, and I am grateful everyday for that. And I know that no matter what life brings, we will carry on. And for me, right now, that means one more Bright night. One night closer to me being a better person so I can show up, instead of just hanging out in the shadows of my own life.

BLE: Small Victories

 Driving into the office tonight I was enjoying the quiet and ready for a productive evening at work.  On the way to  my desk I passed the set of lateral filing cabinets that serve as a central work space for our printer and supplies. And coffee cake. WHAT?  I was irritated but not tempted, and immediately moved the tray to an empty cubicle where I wouldn't have to think about it again. And I didn't until now, safe at home and miles away from the sugary, floury, treat. I love that my brain is in a place that it is not tempted, and automatically says no to any rising thoughts of insurrection (omg, I am watching too much CNN.)

I have two Bright nights under my belt, so to say since I can't remember the last time I actually wore a belt, and looking forward to another. Last night could have been challenging as I was in charge of Cal; guiding him to the bathroom, feeding him a snack at about 1am, and cuddling with him until after 3 before tucking him back into his own wee bed. The parents just needed to sleep, and I had volunteered for night duty. As I will again tonight. That little boy needs to be in his own bed, but he longs for comfort in the middle of the night, and not knowing exactly how he is feeling we can't turn him away. I am hoping that without access to 'the big bed' in his parents room he will soon stop waking up so much,  but it's a small hope . Anyway, I was never tempted. My rebel never showed up. 

As I have done the past two days, I added an extra fat (avocado) to my dinner, and I will add hemp oil to my night time tea. I think my hands were less swollen this morning, but who knows why. That's the problem of feeling motivated and piling on a few ideas that you think might help; you don't really know what, if anything, is making a difference.

There are fig bars and chocolate covered banana chips in the pantry tonight (they are to tempt Cal) and I pray they don't call me. While I feel good now, who knows what part might show up in the middle of the night to run rampant over this calm cool collected version of myself.

I will meditate once in bed, just to nourish my will power in case I have need of it in the wee hours, and write in my gratitude journal for the same reason. And I'm here journaling, making up the final part of my trifecta of planning ahead so I am prepared for battle. Just in case. Maybe this is my new night time habit stack? We'll see.

Not having had a single bite of anything at work when I was alone and it would have been so easy, feels like success, and it's a good way to feel heading into the night, celebrating a small victory.  I can hear a small voice in my head, 'you've got this', and I am actually smiling as I sign off.

BLF: getting ready for bed

I am not sure where to start, or how much of this I have written about before, but I am annoyed and need to sort my thoughts out. I am wondering why I can't enjoy a little success without then turning around and sabotaging myself. Yesterday was Bright, as was last night. Not a bite out of place. Today too was easy to navigate and no lines broken. Why can't I just enjoy this without worrying about tonight?

Not really actively worrying, but I am aware that for each success I rebound at some point whether it's a day or a week later. I know, one day at a time, and for me also one night at a time. I don't want to borrow trouble, but it would be ever so nice to have a whole week of Bright nights in a row. Maybe that would be enough to keep me going for a month, and then a year, and then I could finally get to the freedom part of the program. Really have some semblance of normalcy.

I've been avoiding meat, adding nuts to my dinner, and hemp oil to my night time tea for the past few days. I'm hoping it's making a difference, but it's probably too soon to expect noticeable results. I know once I can eliminate cheese that will make a difference, and I am planning on not replenishing my supply of gorgonzola once it's gone. I do so love me some cheese and pecans, but I know it's part of my ongoing inflammation problem. Challenge. Whatever. 

So I am here to purge negative thoughts, and try to head to bed with a positive attitude.  If my rebel shows up later tonight, I will chat her up. I will not let myself turn left coming out of the bathroom, instead I will go straight back to my warm and cozy bed.  If I can't sleep I will practice slow and mindful breathing, or listen to my book. 

I am focused on fasting to heal. I am shutting down the temptation to look to the future for goals - I have an immediate goal that is more important than anything coming down the tube. Tonight, tonight is the most important thing I can focus on because it will lead to another night, and another. 

I am looking at the sticky on my desk that says, "Remember that the daytime Vail DOES CARE."  Because I do, this part of me that I like to think is my own true self does care. Saying that, I can hear the whisper that echoes deep inside of me that wants to say, "yea, but really you don't", and I know that is not the best of me. That thought is no longer welcome here. 

I am better than that.

A little attitude, some beans, and work

Yesterday was a little overwhelming after all. After the assessment and insights of the morning, I had a blood sugar drop, the first in a long time, and it coincided with the realization that even though it may now have a positive slant instead of being disparaging, it is still more time and energy than I want to be spending on myself. The food, the habits, the self care ---- arghhhhh. Will it never end???  Rebellion almost set in, and I was in a funk most of the day. It was better after I finished my fruit salad at lunch, and better again after C and I took our walk. But still, I was left feeling annoyed; it should not be so hard just to live a life. Really. It shouldn't. I mean, who leaves themselves notes? But at bedtime I found a note to myself, "Remember that the Daytime Vail DOES CARE." And yes, there were capital letters on the sticky.  But I had a Bright night, and slept a little better than usual, so I forgive myself the theatrics.

I made pinto beans yesterday, seasoned with Bay, sun dried tomatoes, and lots of dried herbs from the cupboard. After a quick cook the day before, then soaking overnight, it only took another three hours on the stove until the beans were perfectly cooked. And I am happy with the result. With the flavour, the tenderness of the beans, and the post  meal lack of gas.  It was all good.  This afternoon I'll roast up some butternut squash, carrots, grape tomatoes, and onions seasoned with Cumin to serve with them and pack up some more meals.

Breakfast was an old favorite this morning; scrambled eggs on toast with mustard. YUM. I am really enjoying the sprouted whole grain bread from Trader Joes, it toasts up so flavourful and satisfying that I will not be buying Ezekiel bread again.  I am contemplating having a new Sofritas lifestyle bowl from Chipotle for dinner, with avocado for my fat. R says the new Cilantro lime cauliflower rice is delicious and I'm excited to try it. Well, as excited as I get anymore about food. Maybe glad would be a better word. Yes, glad.

While I am tempted to blather on about my daily routine, instead I will put my big girl panties on (figuratively speaking) and do some accounting work while C sleeps.

My daily gratitude always includes having a job. I must remember that.