BLE: Morning pages - a rambling beginning

 After posting in the BLE Facebook group yesterday, I thought about what a small part of myself I could truly share. About how little control I felt over my life at the moment, and how that shaded my perspective of how I work the plan. But I don't want to whine in public, and make excuses for why my program is not strong. So I'll do my whining here in private, and try to explore why I am so at odds with myself.

Because I am not grounded or secure in my place. Instead I am out of synch with what I had planned and find myself unanchored, adrift, bewildered by this new landscape. I was to have driven South in October to begin a new sort of life; living with my mother, helping with her care, and figuring out where my life would fit into that new reality. And not just that, but also learning about her, and how we fit together as mother and daughter now that I am no longer her little girl. But that didn't happen.

Now I am living in this little house with my daughter and her family, a home that I had mentally given over to them and was ready to leave. The plan was, and still is though somewhat delayed, to give over my bedroom to my youngest grandson. Giving him a place of his own, and by extension giving his older brother his own place. While we are so blessed to have this cozy little house and the security it provides, it is also true that we are crammed in here, and there is little room to just be ourselves while always needing to give so much consideration and compromise to everyone else in the family.

So I feel like a visitor, and try to keep to myself. It's not anything that they make me feel, it's a self imposed need to give them the space to just be a little family together. All in all it has been a freeing experience, letting go of how I wanted things to be and instead being able to look at our adjusted reality and give over the reigns to those who will be in charge once I do finally head South. I want them to feel like it's their house, their home to make as they wish. But feeling that way makes it hard to carve out my own space.

Which leaves me feeling, as I said, not grounded. This combined with my lack of strength while recovering from my illness, does not make for a great platform from which to work my BLE program. I have been so dependent upon them for my care and well being for the past two months, and I will be eternally grateful. But it is time for me to figure out in my own home what I was planning on doing down South with my Mom; how do I integrate what I need while not displacing their normal routines.

My new reality is that I don't have the energy to batch cook, I am currently without car and while I can use my daughter's I don't have the freedom to just jump in and go grocery shopping anytime I need. It's hard to explain, because certainly I can use her car anytime she isn't - it's just the knowledge that I don't have complete control over something that I once took for granted. I have tried having groceries delivered, but it's just not the same as picking out your own fresh produce. While I do make lists, for me shopping often provides the inspiration I need for meal planning. What looks best, what is on sale, what are the staples I like to keep on hand. Shopping has been an important step in my process, and I wasn't really aware of it until I could no longer do it.

This makes meals somewhat stressful at times. Do I make my own food or eat with them. Which is a lot of take-out. As I regain my energy I do cook more, and a part of me recognizes that my current frailty is gradually passing. That I just need to stay calm, and have courage, for a bit longer. Which sounds like a funny thing to say about food, but it's not always easy to make good choices when in a weakened state and surrounded by so much temptation.

Every day I am grateful for what I have. And I recognize the growth I am experiencing while recovering from such a close call. While I am still the same semi-depressed individual I have always been most of my life, I also have the tools from the past three years to help me recognize and appreciate the changes I am going through. And this  morning I am trying to clarify the part of me that is still trying to hang on to what was, to control my surroundings, and give light to the part that can still thrive under these new circumstances.

My focus on these morning pages is two-fold. To have them be part of my morning habit stack, and to help clear my brain so I can move forward and work a better plan. While my feelings above are valid, it is also true that it's a little bit of a pity party and I am ready to  move past that. I am adaptable, I can thrive anywhere if I just give myself the chance.

I wrote down my food last night, and I commit to eating only and exactly that today. It helps that it's exactly what I ate yesterday, and that it's all bright and delicious.

Brightline Eating; Reframe Rezoom

 Here is my post from this morning in the Bright Line Eating community:

TLTR: Last month I decided it was time to visit my Mother; she is 90 and I hadn't seen her at all since Covid. I had stopped weighing myself some time ago, but thought it might be safe to do so away from home. Stepping on her scale in March I was unsurprised to see that I was exactly the same weight as I had been the last time I stepped on her scale - Feb 2020.

During that visit we decided it would be a good idea for me to visit each month through the Summer and so here I am again, a month later, visiting Mom and her scale. Knowing I had a rough month behind me I looked at the scale and knew it might be a bad idea to once again step on those forbidden shores. But I did anyway. How on earth I managed to gain 9 pounds in a month is not beyond imagining, but still was quite a shock. Trying to look back over the month I do see that in between my bright days there were a lot of fourth meals just before bed, and some snacking during the day. Realizing how far I had slipped into the ditch while lying to myself about it was rather disheartening.

Having maintained a 30# loss for two years (50# to go) had been a little frustrating, but gaining back a third of it in a month was just heartbreaking. I ranted and raved yesterday morning in the first journal entry I had made in months, and by the end of that little exercise I was once again in the frame of mind to have a bright breakfast. And then I realized I was drinking tea with cream in it as I had forgotten to bring my oat milk.

The day didn't go badly, but I wasn't bright, and this morning when I signed on to do Wordle the below memory was waiting for me. The final straw in my attitude adjustment.

So here it is, my commitment to eating only and exactly what I am about to write down for the day!

b)   Triscuits, PB, Banana

l)    Green Salad, cheese, apple

d)   Ham, scalloped potatoes, coleslaw

Neither light nor healthy, but I had planned recipes to make a compliant Easter dinner for Mom. Tonight I will commit my food here for Sunday when I am driving home. (4.5 hrs trip.)

Food and Whine

The angst of the day has subsided, and I've finished my work. All is calm, if not Bright. It was only a few pieces of Triscuit with butter after lunch, so I feel I escaped with minimal damage. And it's easy to forgive the small slip given what could have happened.

Today's food

•  b: hash browns, egg, salsa, cheddar chz, banana
•  l:  minestrone soup, extra spinach, cream cheese, soyrizo, apple. triscuits & butter
• d: Pozole take out; easy to weigh out a dinner portion

Tomorrow's food

•  b: left over pazole, egg, grapes 
•  l:  spaghetti squash, marinara, ricotta, parmesan chz & an apple
• d: minestrone soup, extra spinach, cream cheese, soyrizo

I'm keeping  my food simple tomorrow as I did for today, opting for take out at dinner and foregoing the chores of cooking and cleaning up, Everyone needs a break once in a while, no? Sometimes I feel like my life is nothing but dishes and laundry, one load after another and another and another. It's not true of course, those are but a small part of what I do, but time being relative and all that, it does seem that way more often than not.

Seems I am still somewhat gloomy, and will cut this short and head to bed.

BLE: Soup weather

We had a productive Sunday around here, Mikel missing church to stay home and check off a couple honey-do projects; fixing the laundry room door and hanging a cabinet for me in my bedroom. Rhiannon switched the door on the dryer for better access from the washer, and I took Cal to the park to get him out of the way.

Later in the day Rhiannon cleaned out gutters while I swept up; rain is forecast this week - we can hope at least.

Bright all day, then bread and butter at bedtime. It's my drug of choice when I need to sleep, and I did get in a solid six hours last night thank heavens. That really needs to stop, the bread not the sleep, and as always I am optimistic this  morning about making that happen.

Today's food 

•  b: hash browns, egg, salsa, banana & grapes
•  l:  spaghetti squash, marinara, parmesan, whatever the ripest fruit is
• d: minestrone soup

Alanna made a list of meals, and today I'm making minestrone soup using the instant pot. Maybe we are doing it together? We shall see. But it will entail a trip to the store I think, I'm not sure, I need to go through the cupboards first. We may have everything already.

The cooler weather, due mostly to the onshore winds flying up from the bay, have been lovely. But I'm not really ready for the 60s! Better than the 90s I suppose. So I guess I am still a little out of sorts and a bit grumpy to be complaining about the weather. We can just blame it on  my age, it's what I am supposed to do after all. Complain. Wow. Moving on.

I enjoy Monday's now. It's sort of a catch up day; straightening out after the weekend, catching up laundry, watching too much TV. Hanging out with Cal is the priority though, and we have a good time together. I think it's time to start taking our walks again (back to the weather, god) now that it's cooled off, and have fun collecting things. Maybe we should start painting and hiding rocks around the neighborhood, I think he would like that.

Okay, off to start the day. I'm so grateful to be able to stay home instead of riding in to the office. So grateful Mondays aren't a PITA anymore.

BLE: The day after - what I'm not sure - but the day after

So exhausted from doing NOTHING yesterday, I went to bed forgetting to journal and commit my food for today. Standing in front of the refrigerator this  morning I didn't like the way I felt - unorganized, unprepared, having to make a decision about what to make for breakfast. Luckily the left over veggies from the pot roast were right in front so the  potatoes were easy to grab for my 'grain' and eggs over easy are always - well - easy!

Today's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner) 

•  b: red potatoes, eggs over easy, banana & green grapes
•  l:  chopped salad, beans & seeds, bleu cheese dressing, apple
• d: meatball soup w/ lots of spinach

Why I didn't do any food prep yesterday is a mystery. I was sort of frozen, which hasn't happened in a while, and I spent way too much time in front of the TV and computer. And it was an absolutely gorgeous day outside, what a waste! But no beating up on myself, until I broke out the peanut butter toast after lunch I had been bright for longer than usual. Maybe I just needed a bunny slipper day but didn't realize it.  My Bad.

There is lots to do today, including straightening out the garage to make a place to listen to records. Alanna has a friend coming over Friday and they need a spot to hang out. Finally the boxes and boxes and boxes of records will come in handy!  I hope they find something to listen to that they love. Thank you Jimmy <3

I even forgot my gratitude journal yesterday, what the heck? I guess I need an emergency action plan for when I wake up in a funk. And I know what it was, it was the pain in my legs. Worse instead of better as expected, and too stubborn to take pills. If I had just taken the pills and gone outside the day would have gone much better. Note to self, get over yourself!!

Funky morning?

1. self assessment - what's wrong, take steps to remedy the situation

2. get outside, even if it's just sitting in the back yard for a few minutes

3. make sure your food is prepped and in order

4. use the paper journal to figure it out and  move forward

Okay, off to get back on track. Back later to commit tomorrow's food.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner) 

•  b: hashbrowns, scrambled egg, cheese, salsa, banana & grapes
•  l:  homemade cauliflower crust pizza, pears & blueberries
• d: green chili corn, beans, cream cheese

Bright all day, dinner was a little heavy on veg but delicious, and I'm feeling a little hungry tonight. We just watched the British Baking Show - food porn- and we'll see how it goes. If I don't get through the night Bright I may have to not watch this season 😞

I'm really looking forward to making lunch tomorrow. Cal has school so I can come home and concentrate on getting the measurements right and pre-cook the crust. I'm planning on artichoke hearts, spinach, red onion and grape tomatoes for the veg on top and a nice sprinkling of red chili pepper flakes. My brain may be a bit too lit for this, but oh well.

I got a lot done today, making a nice dent in the garage. I also did lots of climbing at the park with Cal, thinned out some toys from the living room, and did the dishes that were left over from the weekend - I wasn't the only one slacking off for some R&R.

I've just reviewed my gratitude list before bed, and I'm looking forward to waking up Bright. I found a couple of tops I would like to fit into this winter, so I am hoping that is not triggering for me. I know why feeling or looking thinner is still a challenge, but I'm ready to do the work to get past that. A topic for another day, I'm beat!

BLE: JFTFP

The pot roast for dinner was delicious, there is nothing like brussels sprouts cooked with a roast and I am glad there are enough leftovers for a few meals. I did use red potatoes and there are two small ones in each 10oz portion of veggies in the containers, but we don't have them often.

It was a busy day, more than I usually accomplish; shower, weekly meeting, shopping, cooking, cleaning, and I am not too unsatisfied with my pain level tonight. I was definitely moving better today which was a relief. I am hoping the level of pain continues to drop as I stay bright with my food.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner) 

•  b: spanish rice chaffle, fruit salad (banana, pear, grape, orange, blueberry)
•  l:  chopped salad, garbanzo beans & pepitias, bleu cheese dressing, fruit salad
• d: pot roast, carrots, brussels sprouts, onions, potato

I had quite a few little conversations with my parts today as temptations came and went. "Remember how great it felt this morning to wake up and know you were still bright." And, "I really want to know what it feels like to be in a smaller body, so let's not eat that." Then the classic, "I really want that too, but we don't have to eat it today - maybe tomorrow or next weekend I'll feel strong enough to splurge." Which is a flat out lie of course, but I fell for it.

At one point today I had to run to CVS to pick up some aluminum foil to cover the post roast, and found myself standing in the bakery isle. "Really?", I asked "Is anything here worth feeling like crap about yourself?" The answer was a resounding no and I left the store with only the foil under my arm, shaking my head at my foolishness.

The kids went to the pumpkin patch after dinner, and showed up at home later with pints of Ben and Jerry's to round out the evening. I read the labels, swooning a little over the Dulce de Leche, then left to sit in the living room and wait for Lego Masters to start. I am double dipping into my gratitude journal tonight to make sure I go to bed in the right frame of mind!

I really am enjoying how freeing it is to get up each morning not having to figure out my meals for the day. I guess I've done enough parts work that the rebel who just couldn't do that in the beginning has stepped out of the way.

And I'm not stressing about how many days and night's I've stayed bright. It's enough to know I was bright yesterday, bright today, and plan to be bright tomorrow. It feels like I am finally building my bright line identity by following the plan one day at a time, instead of being on a diet.

Tonight I'm sending a prayer out into the universe, 'please let this be my moment, please help me stay the course.'  And finally, 'please let me sleep tonight!' 

BLE: Bright as a shiny new penny

Tonight I didn't eat my planned dinner. The kids went out for their dinner, and so brought in pizza for the grand's dinner before they left. I knew this would be a challenge, so I decided that I would have pizza for dinner too. The plan worked well and I had no desire to even nibble at the NMF sitting in the kitchen. I was even the one who packed it up and put it away after work. My cauliflower crust pizza had red sauce, spicy soyrizo, spinach, red onions and - the splurge of the day - Kalamata olives. I say splurge because my fat at dinner was the home made ranch dressing, a wonderful companion to my spicy pie. No cheese on the pizza meant I wasn't stuffed, but just pleasantly full after my dinner. I guess technically dinner was a little wobbly when it comes to my bright lines.

But I have had this before, and ordered knowing we had already analyzed this particular pizza and that the personal size vegetarian was a Bright 'one plate meal'; the ingredients are bright even if the portions are a little off. It leaves me satisfied and has never been a trigger for more, or for the 'real' thing. It's a win win in my book, even if it does light up my brain a little bit.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner) 

•  b: rice, beans & cheese, oranges
•  l:  chopped salad, meatballs, bleu cheese dressing, pears & blueberries
• d: pot roast, carrots, brussels sprouts, onions, celery

I don't usually plan two meat heavy dishes in the same day, but I woke up this morning craving pot roast - well, the veggies we cook with the roast actually - and so the plan is to slow cook one tomorrow with tons of veggies in the biggest roasting pan so there are left overs.  The meatball salads I have been having are so delicious, I knew I would be disappointed tomorrow if I didn't have one again - so there you have it.

It was a nice family night around here this evening. First exploring with Mario in the new (to us) Nintendo game that R downloaded this  morning, then watching the new sitcom, Ghosts, with the actress we liked in iZombie. I skipped out on a couple of hours of work, just too exhausted to crunch numbers, in order to do this and I will have to  make up the time tomorrow, but it was worth it.

It's a good feeling, having a couple of Bright days and nights under my belt. But it's also scary because this is when I usually break. But not tonight, I am focused and ready to question the hell out of any part who thinks they need a snack tonight. I am going to bed grateful for all I have, who I am, and all I have been. I am going to bed clear on why I want to do this. Peace, health, cute jeans, and sleep.

BLE: Doing the work - Bright Line Freedom

I am a Bright Liner

I want to have peace of mind around food

I want to walk without pain

I want to have better bloodwork

I want to wear size 12 jeans

I want to sleep better

Reading this list of why I want to lose weight, and checking off each day that I do read it in my gratitude journal is becoming a better habit. And I find myself repeating the list at odd times after first trying to remember what they are! Wait a minute, what was the first one? Oh yea, peace of mind. Then what? Hmmm...  and so on. And then repeating them in order. It's so crazy, it's as though a part of me doesn't want me to have access to this list so I actually won't remember why I want to lose weight.  

Which brings me to my parts work yesterday. I fought hard to not put just one more cookie in my mouth. There it was, sitting all alone on the counter in a snack cup - which makes me feel good now that I think about it that Cal can leave a cookie uneaten! Go him! Anyway, I reached out to my tough chick and asked, is this you that wants to eat the cookie? Because I really don't want it. But she just looked over to a younger child, slowly shaking her head. "This is you?" I ask the little girl quietly, and the memory surfaced unbidden. Her memory, her sadness, her need to fill.

It's easy to see that we have different parts inside of us, being born of trauma while our personalities were developing as babes and children - throughout our whole lives really. But to realize that they have distinct and separate personalities from our 'own true selves' is a little disturbing. They can highjack my brain? My thoughts? My intentions? Yes, it turns out they can.  I met this new one yesterday. She is about eleven years old, and writing 'dirty' words on the bathroom wall in lipstick. It's a vague memory, the actual deed, but what I remember most clearly is being lined up with my brother and sister and interrogated by our parents as to whom had done this thing - as if it was intended to hurt them.

I see now that I was screaming out for attention, for someone to notice that my brother was molesting me and to make it stop. Why we can't find words to just ask for help is beyond me to understand. I know as an adult that it's the most difficult thing in the world to speak truth to power to those closest to us. There must be a survival mechanism at work here that keeps the words from leaving our mouths. Don't rock the boat or you will be thrown off? I don't know why it's such a strong trait,  but it has done me a great disservice both in my childhood and in my more mature years. If only we could just speak plainly and truthfully more often. but I digress.

I thought briefly about apologizing to my mother and siblings, but there has been enough grief around this topic (the molestation, not the lipstick) and I have no wish to open this wound. I think realizing why I did it and forgiving that little girl who stood with her lips sealed instead of confessing under pressure is the important part of this revelation. Because I do forgive her. She tried hard in her own way to ask for help, and I have to respect that. No longer will I feel guilt for not confessing when pressed to do so. Could it really have been such a mystery? Didn't my parents suspect? No one ever reached out to me wondering why anyone would do such a thing. No. Just the interrogation, like we had done something horrible to them.  There is a relief in me, letting that go, loving that little girl and finally after a life of guilt letting her know I understand and forgive and accept what she did on our behalf. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been a 'present' weight in my life - just a memory that would pop up from time to time that was filled with regret and extreme guilt that I wasn't able to tell the truth. Being more clear of mind and doing my parts work has let me really see the bigger picture this time the memory surfaced, that's all.

I go to this little girl, huddled on cold tile, straggly sun-kissed hair drooping around her face, and lift her chin. Wipe away her tears. Sit with her and hold her close. I let her know how brave she was, and how thankful I am she was strong enough to try to help. I let her know we are older now, and ready to leave all this behind us. We get up and take a walk outside around to the back of the house where my grandfather once had a garden. I show her the sunflowers growing tall and bright, and tell her my secret. "You can put your sorrows into the seeds of those flowers, and they will turn into little black birds and fly away. And you can stay and play in the garden whenever you want; we can be happy now." And I leave her there digging peacefully in the dirt, the sun shining on her face.

She is not the first part to release pain in that garden, and I can't help but wonder if there are more to come. And so the healing continues.

Today's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner) Yesterday was so good it's just a repeat

•  b: rice, beans & cheese, oranges
•  l:  chopped salad, meatballs, bleu cheese dressing, pears & blueberries
• d: soyrizo, chili corn mix, cream cheese

Another Bright night under my belt. Go Me.

BLE: From a cookie to commitment

Well, today did not go as planned. I'm not sure why. Calvin asked for his new cookies from Trader Joe's and after putting three in his snack cup I ate one myself. WTF? Vegan, organic, but still flour and sugar. It's like my brain did a stall and my hand took over. CRAZY. So of course then 'what the hell' took over and I ate a couple of meatballs without making the salad they were to go on - so no veggies for dinner.

I tell myself that I'm not counting how many days I stay Bright anyway, that it's just a little hiccup, but I would be lying if I were to say I'm not disappointed. Just same old me, same old behaviors. But not really. Because I will be bright tonight and again tomorrow. That is what matters. Just do the next right thing. Maybe I should watch Alice in Wonderland - she knows that rule.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner)

•  b: rice, beans & cheese, peach
•  l:  chopped salad, meatballs, bleu cheese dressing
• d: soyrizo, chili corn mix, cream cheese

I commit to staying bright through the night. I will not let this stupid little cookie distract me from my wants.

I want to walk without pain

I want to have peace of mind around food

I want to have better blood work

I want to wear size 12 jeans

Oh, and I added one this morning that I had forgotten!

I want to sleep better.

Fasting from dinner at 4pm until I break my fast at 8am gives me a nice 'healing' window. I will not ruin that tonight.

Time for tea and to check on the facebook page.

BLE: Food Prep

It was a busy day, and I accomplished much in the food prep arena as planned. There are meatballs in the fridge (loaded with zucchini and onion) and eight 10oz serving dishes packed and ready to re-heat of a green chili corn dish I made in the instant pot. There are tubes of soyrizo and cans of beans to add as proteins, Neufchatel and Parmesan cheeses for fats, and a variety of veggies for salads. 

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner)

•  b: spanish rice chaffle, banana, green grapes
•  l:  cheese, spinach and mushroom omelet, salsa & sour cream, apple
• d: chopped salad, meatballs, bleu cheese dressing

The green chili corn dish turned out nicely, but I don't want to eat corn everyday. The dish is full of zucchini, onions, carrots, celery, tomatillos and of course green chilis, and I'm looking forward to having it with the soyrizo later this week.

It's nice to feel tired after being productive for a change. I haven't cooked this much in a day for longer than I can remember.  "Take what you want and pay for it; now in work, later in consequences."  So many little sayings, some day I will pull out my paper notebook and list them all out together.  In any case, I am hoping it's easier to stay Bright tonight knowing I put the work in today. Knowing I am not giving up. Knowing I am making a difference in not only my life but in those around me by modeling healthy change.

Look at me all proud of myself! Better shut that down quick so I don't fall!

Sweet dreams to me.

BLE: On track for a 2nd Bright Day

Feeling good this morning after a full 24 hours Bright. I am always amazed how quickly our bodies adapt to healthier choices - or rather - from the lack of bad choices. Breakfast felt light, and I wanted to have a little more, but a simple reminder that I have eaten exactly how much fuel my body needs takes away the urge to eat. Not the hunger, that I still feel, but that will be remedied with the cup of tea I have waiting for me in the kitchen.

Back later with my food commitment.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner)

•  b: spanish rice chaffle, banana, green grapes
•  l:  lentils, cauliflower, parmesan,  peach
• d: chopped salad, meatballs, bleu cheese dressing

I'm really loving my new salad dressing. Mixing vinegar with dijon mustard and shaking it up with nutritional yeast really makes my tablespoon of bleu cheese dressing go a long ways. Tomorrow will be the 3rd dinner salad in a row using that dressing, but keeping it simple with food  you love is just smart!

I do need to cook tomorrow. I'll stop at the store on the way home from dropping Cal off at school; we always need more apples and lettuce, and I want/need to make a batch of meatballs since I put that down for dinner.

I was hungry at lunch, and again after dinner. And I'm still feeling a little empty heading into bedtime! It makes me realize I was indeed eating more extra calories over the past few weeks since getting home from Hawaii than I even realized. Drinking a sleepy time tea, and heading to bed to finish up an audio book as soon as I'm done here is the plan. I can see that R is staying bright too, and even though we aren't saying so to each other, the support is awesome.

I go to bed tonight knowing/hoping that there will be a little less pain tomorrow in my hips and legs. Each bright day will take me closer to moving better, having more energy, and fitting into my clothes better. I can hardly wait, but I will, and be patient about it, because this can only be done one day at a time.

BLE: Day One - ad infinitum

I have a half an hour to kill before dinner. So silly. But that's where I am in my life, still trying to make a positive change in myself. My salad is made, weighed and ready to add  my dressing, just sitting in the fridge staying crisp until feeding time. I swear I feel like a bear,  walking the fence until  a gamekeeper brings in my dinner at the designated time. Heavy, ponderous steps, head swinging side to side, anxiety driving my steps. Ridiculous. But I am the one who brought me to this brink of crazy, and I am the only one who can tame the bear. Change or die, as they say.

It's another Day One. Part of me knows that getting up each morning and eating a bright breakfast is great; not giving up and starting each day with optimism is not a bad trait. But it is not one that has brought me success in achieving a right sized body. It's just a small part of the work it will take to move past this plateau I have been cruising about on for the last year or so.  As part of this work I am using my gratitude journal each morning, and committing my food each evening, taking my supplements and meds every single day and night, and making a point of stopping to breathe and be present at some point each day to ground myself.

So it feels like moving forward, my morning and evening habit stacks gaining in consistency, and I am once again spending more time on support than on farming. Yes, along with millions of others I am fighting addiction on many platforms. It is apparently in our nature to escape this new reality we find ourselves in. I like to imagine I would have flourished in days where it took so much physical effort to  just survive I would never have become addicted to anything, and I guess that is true of many others. Instead we find ourselves in a world of so much convenience there is too much time for those of us born without the gene to self-motivate.

Now that I have thrown a small pity part in the middle of a beautiful Autumn day I will retreat without shame - that never accomplishes anything - to my audio book and try to drag my lazy ass outside for a short walk before dinner.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner)

•  b: spanish rice chaffle, banana, green grapes
•  l:  veggie soup, beans & cream cheese, apple
• d: chopped salad, garbanzo beans & pepitas, bleu cheese dressing

There are a week's worth of breakfast choices packaged up in the fridge, and my plans are for simple plant based lunches and dinners, soups and salads, for the next couple of days. Tuesday while Cal is at school I'll do some batch cooking; green chili stew and roasted veggies come to mind. Maybe some meatballs that are loaded with zucchini and onion.

I am armed with my Bright Line Eating plan, journals, and good intentions. I laugh now when I want to type that this time feels different, so I won't bother wasting time on that sentiment. Instead I am focused on just this moment, and not eating until 4. And after that I will focus on cleaning up my room (what, am I 12?) so it's an easy place to work and relax in the coming week. And then after that I will do whatever it takes to stay Bright all night long until breakfast at 8am tomorrow.

Then it will be Day Two. 'Time to Rock and Roll.'

Chaffles and Chaff

Here are the Spanish rice chaffles. How's that for a Bright orange breakfast!

I've been thinking about painting again, and using it to 'journal'. We'll see what the day brings.

Commit today's food because I just never got around to it last night

•  b: spanish rice chaffle, tangelo orange
•  l:  veggie soup, beans & cream cheese, apple
• d: chopped salad, cheese & pepitas, bleu cheese dressing

A hummingbird just flew past my window - slim pickings out there for the busy little bird this morning. Such a life, working so hard to just get enough calories to keep those wings fluttering.  I empathize, it's like my brain fluttering about searching for something to make sense of this world. Both endeavors seem pointless - and there is my depression rearing it's ugly head.

Another day one of BLE, another morning of not giving up. How many years can I keep this up? I am afraid for the rest of my life. Literally a double entendre. 

Brownies and Bed Time

Mostly everything is going well now that Joey's B-Day is behind me for another year. We had gotten into the habit of celebrating with ice cream, just so the day wouldn't go uncelebrated, but there were so many treats in the house it seemed superfluous. I did end up eating brownies from the bakery that R had purchased as a back up in case her German chocolate sandwich cookies failed - they didn't, and were super delicious.  By Sunday I was feeling sick and anxious to be back on Bright Line Eating.

Mostly I'm writing in my paper journal as I'm tired in the evenings and really just want to get off of the computer. That's because I'm farming (online game) too much on and off during the day and then again after work. I'm hoping now that it's almost October the need for diversions will abate and I will be more sane. The house is suffering for it too, as I barely get the minimum laundry and dishes done each week.

Today was more productive, and I made rice chaffles to pack up for future breakfasts. There is a bag in the freezer and several breakfasts worth in the fridge - so easy and delicious. Just Spanish rice, egg, and cheese. Mix and cook off in the waffle maker and done! Two squared popped in the toaster and served up with some salsa is an awesome breakfast.

Commit tomorrow's food

• b: spanish rice chaffle, salsa, banana and green grapes
• l:  celery, apple, onion, cheeze, almond salad w/ bleu cheese dressing
• d: veggie bean soup, cream cheese

R took Cal in for his routine heart check up and it looks like he won't need surgery to fix his PDA. After everything he has been through this is really good news. He is so loving school, waving hi to his new friends and happy to get into class. Each day we stand in line with the others to fill out a form, wait for them to take his temperature and sanitize his hands, and then in he goes with nary a backwards glance. Just like his grandfather and uncle, everyone is a friend he hasn't met yet. 

And I'm calling Bedtime; I so look forward to that first moment each evening when I stretch out on the bed and feel everything get heavy and relaxed. Sigh.

Breathing and Baking

 It's been such a busy day I almost forgot to journal. Not much to report, other than a little voice urging me to have maintenance meals at breakfast and lunch too.  It was warm out, there were the usual school drop offs and pick ups, and I stopped on the way home to pick up more Allegra, a sweater for cool mornings, and Nutella for A. That will be a challenge, but currently I am up for it.

Harder still is R in the kitchen baking birthday desert for her friend's party tomorrow. They have a fun day planned, sailing and then dinner.  So I will have the grands all day. I am so used to her being here, coming out for tea while she is working, and then for lunch. But I am taking the day off tomorrow, and other than a little light cleaning don't plan on doing much.

 It's Joey's birthday tomorrow, he would have been 38 years old and sometimes I wonder what his life would have been like. But I don't dwell on it. Instead today I just breathed in and out, slowly, and remembered his laugh, and happier times. It's always going to be hard, but I keep enough of it locked up so as to keep it from being devastating. And I am glad R will have friends, wind, and sun to keep her occupied. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in having lost a son, that I forget she lost her brother.

Commit tomorrow's food

• b: sprouted grain toast, plant breakfast sausage, banana & kiwi
• l:  veggie omelet, parm cheeze, apple
• d: ribs, corn on the cob, coleslaw &  potato salad

Something I noticed while planning my food this evening, is that I like taking the time to really think about what I want the next day. 

I did a lot of intentional breathing today, and anytime I was tempted - and there was more than usual for some reason - I was quick to remind myself about my "wants."

Mostly I want to do this. I want to be a success story. I want to model healthy eating for my family - and those three things aren't even on my list!

Time for bed, and another Bright night.

BLE: A day in the life

 I've been 'sort of' following BLE for almost two years, and maybe, just maybe, I am finally willing to commit to following the plan. The whole plan, not just the bright lines, because 99% isn't only hard, it's just not working for me. Which isn't surprising, she wrote a plan, she didn't just throw four bright lines out there. This is what my days will look like.

This evening

Commit tomorrow's food

• b: spanish rice & eggs, banana and green grapes
• l:  veggie bean soup, cream cheese, apple
• d: chili verde, 4oz rice, 10oz salad, dressing of sr. cream and tomatillo salsa

Morning habit stack

• write in gratitude journal
• read list of wants (write in notes of gratitude journal each week)
• 10 minute meditation
• take supplements

Meals; 8am, 11am, and 4pm

• Eat only and exactly what I have written down tonight; no substitutions

Nightly habit stack

• journal about the day; what worked, what I feel
• commit food
• take meds

Notes: Susan's vlog today was about curing food addition before trying to lose weight. That for some of us it is almost impossible to stick to our bright lines when caught in the vicious cycle of food addiction.  I have been stuck at about 200 #s for two years after losing 30 #s, and while she was speaking to those who have lost and regained and lost and regained a significant amount of weight while doing Bright Line Eating, I feel that it applies to someone like me who is gaining and losing the same five pounds over and over and over for a long period of time. It seems to me that two years is a significant period of time. So. I decided to add a grain to my dinners, making the last meal of the day about maintenance instead of weight loss. If I am still compelled to eat in the middle of the night, I will also add a protein, but I want to start gradual - it just feels right.

There is a sense of surrender tonight, and not just tonight, I've been feeling this all day. I don't feel manic. Instead I clearly see a part of me has resigned herself to following the plan. She is sad at letting go of her rebellious ways, but it's clear she is tired of the battle, and finally willing to support me in this. She stands in black jeans, white silk tank top, and low slung boots as she stands with feet firmly planted and gazes out over the ocean from atop a bluff. She's very dramatic, running her fingers through hair that is blowing gently away from her face, and her shoulders are relaxed, resigned to giving in to my begging. I feel her removing her attention from her efforts to thwart me, and instead she is focusing far out to sea on something that is currently beyond my ken. She is beautiful, and tonight I am thankful for this vision.

My Want List

• peace of mind around food
• walk without pain
• better blood work
• size 12 jeans

Emergency Action Plan

• stop and breathe, slowly and quietly, to the count of 20
• meditate, do parts work - be curious
• journal by hand, no keyboard, how I am feeling
• call Dee
• message mastermind group

I may have missed something, but you get the gist. Tomorrow evening I will check in here, and hopefully journal about my Bright day and commit to Friday's food.

I am a Bright Liner.

Three months and three inches

 Well, those three months just zipped by in a flash. Actually, they didn't, they passed one at a time. And I regret to say that most of them I struggled in one fashion or another. Never stringing more than a few Bright days together in a row before breaking a line or two or three. Rezooming every morning is just about the one thing I can count on. Each day I am so sure this will be the day, this will be the start of getting free, this will be the day I look back on with gratitude because I actually surrendered.

It's nice to feel that way, the flush of optimism leaving no room for doubt. I just wish it would last past lunch!

I checked my paper journal and my waist is 3"s larger than it was in May. I am not weighing myself, that is something I am working through - getting out from under the pressure of a number, any number. It's ridiculous to be so reactive, for good or bad, instead of just living in the now, and living each day how I intend to continue. So no more scale, and the mental battles are getting easier. I just don't want to know. Well, of course I do want to know, but that's just a small part of me easily dissuaded. And eventually I will get on a scale. At the doctors office for a checkup, or when I fit into some size 12 jeans, I'll know when the time is right.

Dinner was delicious. Yesterday I made Chili Verde in the instant pot. Today I skimmed off the fat from the leftover veggies and remaining liquid and put it back in the pot with a chopped zucchini, a large bag of Mexican blend cauliflower rice, and three hash brown patties. Forty minutes in the instant pot and viola! Delicious ugly soup. I added an ounce of cream cheese for my fat, and 6oz of spicy refried beans for my protein and a few shakes of Tapatio for good measure. Honestly, the potato made the dish, and I enjoyed every bite.

I absolutely need to work on a cook book. I don't want to forget this.

So much has happened since I last posted; our trip to Hawaii, Cal starting Pre-K, Cal not taking naps. Some things remain the same; Alanna holed up in her room, me gaming too much, the kids taking Sparky to the dog park most evenings. Just ordinary stuff.

I will say I miss the warm waters of Hawaii, and the rice I started eating with some meals because we were so active I was hungry all the time. And it's served with everything. Win Win.  I would say that those ten days were the Brightest I've been in a year. It was a great trip, and despite a few hiccups really glad I went.

Getting home was a little depressing; the smoke, the heat, the broken pipe that closed down the pool. We were so used to swimming every day it was hard at first. But now I am feeling lazy and fat and glad of the excuse. Not really, but that is the story I tell myself.

It's been a good couple of days mental health wise. And while I did snack a little today there was no sugar or flour involved. The pain from inflammation is a great motivator to get back on track. It's amazing how fast the body reacts to poison when it's been clean for a while. And luckily I am already feeling some relief as I start to detox again.

My downfall? Crack crackers in the cupboard. I can ignore many things in this house, but apparently Ritz is not one of them. Now I know.

I'm not sure why I needed to vent, but I do need to start journaling again. Not a record, but a reckoning when I am struggling to just get it all out. We'll see how it goes and if I can be constructive instead of whiny.

Aloha!

BLE: Back to paper

I'm waiting for my soup to heat up on the stove. I added Soyrizo to my veggie stoup and want it to actually cook into the soup so I'm not just shoving it in the microwave to re-heat as I might usually do. I've really been loving having a big bowl of veggie soup for dinners this past week; so easy and full of flavour with all of the power greens I added when making it. Plus I've been using the Chinese hot pepper oil left over from take out to add some heat and count as my fat; so delicious.

I've just packed up the Farrow I cooked earlier today, and the beans are in their natural release stage in the instant pot. They will become refried beans leer this evening, I just need to find a new audio book to listen to while I stand and stir them, waiting for the perfect consistency. Then tomorrow it will be Farro and beans w\salsa for breakfast. YUM. There is a poblano pepper, diced tomatoes, and the last third of the carton of baby power greens cooking in with the beans so they will be rich and delicious. It's a point of pride that I can make better refried beans than come from the local taquerias. Not to say that a fatty serving of those beans is not wonderful sometimes! But for the most part I prefer knowing how nutrient dense mine are, as well as creamy and spicy and wonderful.

Speaking of food (when am I not?) committing my food here just isn't working. I'm tired at night, and just want to be off the keyboard. So I will start using my paper journal to commit my food for Bright Line Eating. I'm sure I will still post food sometimes, but this will be the last daily accounting of food for a while.

Today's food:

• b)  toast, sliced deli ham, banana, strawberries & blueberries
• l)   leftover Chinese veggies, leftover ribs, apple
• d)  minestrone style veggie stoup, soyrizo, red chili oil

The family has an appointment at the zoo tomorrow. I wish I had more confidence in my stamina and walking, that is someplace I would actually like to go.

Time for soup!

BLE: Count Down to Hawaii; week 5/14

Up half a pound in my quest to be smaller for our trip to the big island. In my defense I weighed in an hour early, before my morning constitutional. That on top of having a heavier than usual dinner consisting of a Habit cheese burger (protein style) and sweet potato fries. It was rich, delicious, and filling. And really too heavy of a meal. On top of that I am having to clear my throat this morning, phlegm a sure sign of inflammation from the cheese (and meat?).

Not an auspicious beginning to committing my food either; I finished work after 9pm last night and never gave a thought to writing down my food for today. This morning I have already been to the grocery store - where there were shoppers without masks, very unnerving - and have supplies for food prep today and tomorrow. I need to get back to the days of having meals packed and ready in the fridge, making it easy to commit food.

Today's food:

• b)  toast, PB & flaxmeal, sliced banana, strawberries & blueberries
• l)   leftover Chinese supplemented with cashews, apple
• d)  minestrone style veggie stoup, leftover meatloaf, red chili oil

Leftovers are easy. Today I will be making batches of refried beans and Spanish farrow  for breakfasts. Tomorrow I will prep Chick pea salad for lunches, and more spaghetti stoup for dinners, with Soyrizo this time to keep it vegetarian.

'It's another hot one today', hitting 103 this afternoon. So I am off to drench the garden and fill up the water basins. It's fun to sit eating breakfast, and look up to see a tail peeking out while a furry friend gets a sip.

Small joys rule.

This morning I am heavier than when we started over a month ago. Go Me.

SW: 202.1

CW: 202.2

BLE: Committing my food

Susan's vlog this week explains why I will try to start committing my food here in the evenings for the next day. I just need to fit it into my evening habit stack, and sign on here as soon as I finish work each night. Normally I do have an idea of what I will eat the next day when prepping dinner and seeing what is left in the fridge, but after listening to the science I can see how changing my mind at lunch so often is not a good thing.

Time to start tightening up the plan, and following along more closely.

Today's food:

• b)  toast, PB & flaxmeal, sliced banana
• l)   leftover Chinese (cabbage, 'shrooms, twice cooked pork - not breaded) apple
• d)  minestrone style veggie stoup, leftover meatloaf, red chili oil

Tomorrow's food:

• b)  toast, scrambled eggs w\ mustard, grapes
• l)   leftover kung pao chicken, cauliflower & onion 'rice', apple
• d)  minestrone style veggie stoup, leftover meatloaf, red chili oil

I have enough soup left for another dinner - it's really delicious and leftovers are so easy - but I need to spend some time tomorrow prepping for lunches so I am prepared for a few more days. I picked up some red pepper hummus last Sunday, but it's just too garlicy for me to enjoy. I guess I need to make some myself so I can control the seasoning. Is it still called hummus if there is no garlic involved??? Instead I think just making batches of chick pea salad with lots of celery and green onion will be the ticket; it's going to be so hot (107 tomorrow) and that's a nice cool meal that takes a while to eat.

I will be Bright tonight, and tomorrow night. I need to see a loss Friday morning. I need to start reminding myself daily that I will be wearing a bathing suit in August.