BLE: Morning pages - a rambling beginning

 After posting in the BLE Facebook group yesterday, I thought about what a small part of myself I could truly share. About how little control I felt over my life at the moment, and how that shaded my perspective of how I work the plan. But I don't want to whine in public, and make excuses for why my program is not strong. So I'll do my whining here in private, and try to explore why I am so at odds with myself.

Because I am not grounded or secure in my place. Instead I am out of synch with what I had planned and find myself unanchored, adrift, bewildered by this new landscape. I was to have driven South in October to begin a new sort of life; living with my mother, helping with her care, and figuring out where my life would fit into that new reality. And not just that, but also learning about her, and how we fit together as mother and daughter now that I am no longer her little girl. But that didn't happen.

Now I am living in this little house with my daughter and her family, a home that I had mentally given over to them and was ready to leave. The plan was, and still is though somewhat delayed, to give over my bedroom to my youngest grandson. Giving him a place of his own, and by extension giving his older brother his own place. While we are so blessed to have this cozy little house and the security it provides, it is also true that we are crammed in here, and there is little room to just be ourselves while always needing to give so much consideration and compromise to everyone else in the family.

So I feel like a visitor, and try to keep to myself. It's not anything that they make me feel, it's a self imposed need to give them the space to just be a little family together. All in all it has been a freeing experience, letting go of how I wanted things to be and instead being able to look at our adjusted reality and give over the reigns to those who will be in charge once I do finally head South. I want them to feel like it's their house, their home to make as they wish. But feeling that way makes it hard to carve out my own space.

Which leaves me feeling, as I said, not grounded. This combined with my lack of strength while recovering from my illness, does not make for a great platform from which to work my BLE program. I have been so dependent upon them for my care and well being for the past two months, and I will be eternally grateful. But it is time for me to figure out in my own home what I was planning on doing down South with my Mom; how do I integrate what I need while not displacing their normal routines.

My new reality is that I don't have the energy to batch cook, I am currently without car and while I can use my daughter's I don't have the freedom to just jump in and go grocery shopping anytime I need. It's hard to explain, because certainly I can use her car anytime she isn't - it's just the knowledge that I don't have complete control over something that I once took for granted. I have tried having groceries delivered, but it's just not the same as picking out your own fresh produce. While I do make lists, for me shopping often provides the inspiration I need for meal planning. What looks best, what is on sale, what are the staples I like to keep on hand. Shopping has been an important step in my process, and I wasn't really aware of it until I could no longer do it.

This makes meals somewhat stressful at times. Do I make my own food or eat with them. Which is a lot of take-out. As I regain my energy I do cook more, and a part of me recognizes that my current frailty is gradually passing. That I just need to stay calm, and have courage, for a bit longer. Which sounds like a funny thing to say about food, but it's not always easy to make good choices when in a weakened state and surrounded by so much temptation.

Every day I am grateful for what I have. And I recognize the growth I am experiencing while recovering from such a close call. While I am still the same semi-depressed individual I have always been most of my life, I also have the tools from the past three years to help me recognize and appreciate the changes I am going through. And this  morning I am trying to clarify the part of me that is still trying to hang on to what was, to control my surroundings, and give light to the part that can still thrive under these new circumstances.

My focus on these morning pages is two-fold. To have them be part of my morning habit stack, and to help clear my brain so I can move forward and work a better plan. While my feelings above are valid, it is also true that it's a little bit of a pity party and I am ready to  move past that. I am adaptable, I can thrive anywhere if I just give myself the chance.

I wrote down my food last night, and I commit to eating only and exactly that today. It helps that it's exactly what I ate yesterday, and that it's all bright and delicious.

A GREAT BIG SIGH

Well, here I am again. Feeling defeated and discouraged and, well, really just a big "Oh Well did you really expect anything different in the long run?" But that is just the surface, underneath there is a part of me that 'knows' what to do and that this just means there is work to be done. Work I am too lazy to do? Work I feel shouldn't have to be done so it just makes me mad to think about what I should be doing? I mean really, why should it take so much work to just feel at peace? Because peace is not why we are here? Which brings me back to my childhood, and swinging on the front gate while I wonder why I have to be here again. Wondering why I can't just go back.

It's the same old question humanity has asked forever, why are we here? Except I knew in that moment of childhood clarity there was a somewhere I came from, someplace that was better, a place that I liked, and where I belonged. At a young age - 6? 7? 8? - I knew I didn't want to be here on earth and 'going through this again.' That feeling has followed me through life as I struggled to get through everyday things, and mostly doing a bad job of it.

I blamed myself for being lazy when I didn't live up to my own expectations, when I didn't have a career path to follow, when I didn't excel at the ordinary business of growing up.

While I try to believe I have forgiven myself for how my life has unfolded, mostly I know I failed and that is  probably the underlying reason for why I am back here in a place of regret and sadness with tears streaming down my face as I type. Sitting in my Mother's dining room, surrounded by beautiful things, I am a fish out of water. Voluminous soft black sweater keeping me warm, laptop humming away, I am anomaly in this space dedicated to delicate glassware, orchids, and ceramic creatures. A sort of analogy for my whole life.

And I see that the pity party has begun so another great big sigh leaves my body and I hitch up my big girl panties to once again start over. Because I am not certain I have fulfilled any purpose yet in this life, and just noticing the glimmering of a chance that there may be something I need to do before I can go back pulls my mind out of the gutter and makes me want to keep trying; the fucking Pollyanna game is once again afoot and I must sit here and be grateful for what brings joy to my life.

Okay, so maybe I'm drawing a blank on that at the moment with the huge exception of my grandkids. Every hug, every conversation, reminds me that love is everything, and that everything I have been has brought me to this place with them.  Maybe that is why depression is trying to sneak in - because I am planning to leave them and move South in September to be here full time for a while with Mom. It might be for the rest of her life, or maybe just a few months to spend a holiday season with her; she is 90 and I do feel we are running out of time. Time to connect, to get to know each other. But I don't anticipate that happening as we are both so set in our ways. I am hoping time together will ease us into some semblance of acceptance, but at the  moment all I can see is work. AFGO indeed.

So what started this early morning rant down pity lane? As usual it is my weight. I have not been Bright more than a day at a time lately, and since I was here on a visit last month I have gained 9 pounds. Amazing what the body can do!

But at least stepping on the scale made it clear that it is time to clear the decks, start fresh, and take care of myself. This being typed while there is cream in my mug of tea so of course I have already failed as it is not a Bright morning. My bad for not stopping to pick up oat milk, and for planning to use cream in the scalloped potatoes at Easter dinner. so there it was waiting for me in the fridge this morning.

As previously stated, I know what to do, I'm just lazy. Or at least there is a very strong part of me that uses that as an excuse, and that is the part I need to get to know, and THERE IT IS AGAIN; why all the work? Maybe there is an even bigger rebel part that I still need to work on first. And that is my trailhead for the parts work; why does having to do the work piss me off so much? If we are spiritual beings living a human experience to feel/grow/enrich our souls then why is such a strong part of me so resistant?

Another great big sigh.

I haven't journaled in a while, because I was writing so much crap as evidenced by the above jumble. But I need to start again, it being part of the work I am so resistant to doing. And I guess I should start by being grateful. For this quiet morning to reflect, for the hot mug of tea, for the ability to work remotely so I can be here.

One of the things Mom and I need to work on is how we will manage our meals. I have been eating at 8, 11 and 4 for years now, while she eats closer to 10, 2, and whenever. But we can do that in September,  for now I just need to navigate through the weekend. Forget that, I just need to plan a bright breakfast! I may have to run to the store a little earlier than anticipated this morning.

Funny how quickly I can go from 'why am I here' to grocery shopping, which I suppose is the magic of journaling.

I have a Bright Line Eating quote on a sticky, something I felt important as it lives just below the keypad of my laptop. "Choose what you want and pay for it; now in work or later in consequences."  This morning I saw the consequences of breaking my lines and lying to myself about how often I was doing it. And here we are, back to the WORK. A full circle moment. But at least now I am calm.

Mostly gloom and doom

I got dressed, brushed my hair, and headed out to have my eyebrows done. Walking into the mostly empty nail salon, I said my usual, "eyebrows please?"  The girl at the front desk was busy with a Dremel tool sanding away on her customer, and barely gave me a glance. I looked back into the shop and there were two other employees sitting in the foot massage chairs just hanging out. Since no one jumped up to help me, I assumed that waxing was not part of their repertoire. 

Once again I asked the front desk girl if it would be  much of a wait. "Just give me a few minutes", she responded, sounding disinterested. "Never mind", I replied, "I can see that you're busy". And out the door I went, making it to my car before bursting into tears.

Obviously something was wrong. I took a moment to assess the situation; there had been nothing in my closet I wanted to wear this morning so I had on a baggy, wrinkled, green sweater.  I had decided once again to quit having my decaf coffee in the  morning, so maybe I was a little out of sorts. And I was mad at Harry for dying. What? I let myself yell at him as I drove to Mickey D's for a medium decaf coffee with cream. (Two lines broken, a snack and an extra fat.) Once sipping on the coffee I headed home to farm online, the comfort available to me in my self-constructed closet of a world.

But instead I sat down to write, and to try to figure this out. Why am I so mad at him? Because he hadn't reached out to me as he was dying? (Romantic nonsense) Because he was the only person who had ever held me with love and passion? (Real, but histrionic.) That somewhere deep inside I really had believed we would find each other again? (Fantasy, it would never have worked out.)

Much calmer now, I realize I am just moving through my grief. As unexpected as it is, it's there and ignoring it won't do me a bit of good. So accepting that I am mad at him is healthy, and reviewing why is helpful in calming me down.  Because it's not based on reality. At all. Yes I wanted 'us' to work out. But I wanted a partner with all of his virtues and none of his issues - after all it was the latter that was partly to blame in driving us apart, and nothing there was going to change. He was who he was, and if he didn't want to explore that with me, well, that was his choice. His path. 

In releasing my anger towards him, I find it redirected at myself. Why have I made my world so small that I have no one to meet for drinks and commiserate with me? And as always the answer comes back to Joey, and of the undisputable (in  my  mind) fact of me not being worthy of a bigger  life. That my mission right now is to do the best I can for my grandkids and just exist until this can all be over. I thought I had gotten past that, that I had decided to live a real life and not just exist, but apparently not. And I think that Harry dying just pointed a big old finger at me, the universe pounding the point home that I ...what... that I aren't trying hard enough? That I need to either accept a small life or do something about it? Just thinking about it is so overwhelming I feel  myself pulling back, a tortoise retreating into his shell, to the small, dark, safe inside.

A small life can be a good life, so why am I still struggling with the notion that it should be more than what I have, bigger and more meaningful? Because I believe that we are here to experience life, and I'm not doing a very good job of it. Damn, and here come the tears again. All of the books I loved as a girl growing up have a strong heroine who fights and wins whatever the situation. So yes, I have high expectations of myself and the disappointment can be overwhelming that I have fallen so short.

And now I am fed up with my whining, and a little bit of a different kind of mad starts to set in. Because I know I have a good life, that I am worthy and loved. But I feel like Helen Hunt in As Good As It Gets, so frustrated because it's been so long since she's had feelings of wanting to be held and loved. And I know that if I keep living a small life, I will never meet  someone new. Never connect with another partner. And at this age I could have another 15 year relationship - since that seems to be the limit of my patience with partners.

'Working' on myself is exhausting. I don't want to do it, I just want life to miraculously open up and provide what I need for exactly who I am. 

This journal entry began with the intention of looking at the stages of grief to modify them and examine where I am in the process so I can be prepared to move on. Instead it turned into a rant, a pity party, an abysmal glance into how I see myself and how distorted it is. But it's my truth right now, and I don't see a way out except to just accept it. And I don't see that happening. So a rock and a hard place.

I guess I'm just waiting to see if I end up as a a diamond or dust as my world shifts around me.

BLE: Day One - ad infinitum

I have a half an hour to kill before dinner. So silly. But that's where I am in my life, still trying to make a positive change in myself. My salad is made, weighed and ready to add  my dressing, just sitting in the fridge staying crisp until feeding time. I swear I feel like a bear,  walking the fence until  a gamekeeper brings in my dinner at the designated time. Heavy, ponderous steps, head swinging side to side, anxiety driving my steps. Ridiculous. But I am the one who brought me to this brink of crazy, and I am the only one who can tame the bear. Change or die, as they say.

It's another Day One. Part of me knows that getting up each morning and eating a bright breakfast is great; not giving up and starting each day with optimism is not a bad trait. But it is not one that has brought me success in achieving a right sized body. It's just a small part of the work it will take to move past this plateau I have been cruising about on for the last year or so.  As part of this work I am using my gratitude journal each morning, and committing my food each evening, taking my supplements and meds every single day and night, and making a point of stopping to breathe and be present at some point each day to ground myself.

So it feels like moving forward, my morning and evening habit stacks gaining in consistency, and I am once again spending more time on support than on farming. Yes, along with millions of others I am fighting addiction on many platforms. It is apparently in our nature to escape this new reality we find ourselves in. I like to imagine I would have flourished in days where it took so much physical effort to  just survive I would never have become addicted to anything, and I guess that is true of many others. Instead we find ourselves in a world of so much convenience there is too much time for those of us born without the gene to self-motivate.

Now that I have thrown a small pity part in the middle of a beautiful Autumn day I will retreat without shame - that never accomplishes anything - to my audio book and try to drag my lazy ass outside for a short walk before dinner.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner)

•  b: spanish rice chaffle, banana, green grapes
•  l:  veggie soup, beans & cream cheese, apple
• d: chopped salad, garbanzo beans & pepitas, bleu cheese dressing

There are a week's worth of breakfast choices packaged up in the fridge, and my plans are for simple plant based lunches and dinners, soups and salads, for the next couple of days. Tuesday while Cal is at school I'll do some batch cooking; green chili stew and roasted veggies come to mind. Maybe some meatballs that are loaded with zucchini and onion.

I am armed with my Bright Line Eating plan, journals, and good intentions. I laugh now when I want to type that this time feels different, so I won't bother wasting time on that sentiment. Instead I am focused on just this moment, and not eating until 4. And after that I will focus on cleaning up my room (what, am I 12?) so it's an easy place to work and relax in the coming week. And then after that I will do whatever it takes to stay Bright all night long until breakfast at 8am tomorrow.

Then it will be Day Two. 'Time to Rock and Roll.'

A small pity pool

Pea soup fog to begin the day, but I don't really want to talk about the weather.

I am wondering about how our eating becomes linked to emotions, and how our body processes messages and uses our chemistry and relays and receptors to manage our stress responses. I realize that it all probably hinges on self preservation somehow, and that there are millions of years of evolution working against me - us - in our attempts to determine our own well being.

I want to eat tonight, and it just plain pisses me off. I've had a wholesome nutritious dinner, I am warm and safe in our little house, the kids are full of love and attention. And I still want to eat. There are no holes to fill, I have no reason to feel this urge. And if someone sat down next to me with a chocolate cake I would eat the whole thing in a heartbeat.

It's maddening, frustrating, and just so ridiculous. Vent over.

(b)  salami, triscuits, grapes, strawberry
(l)  Lentils, roasted Brussels Sprouts, onions, carrots, half a large apple
(d)  Turkey meatballs in spaghetti soup, roasted carrots and red potatoes with butter

No snacks, no spoonfuls of sour cream or sprinklings of Parmesan cheese. Maybe this is why I am hungry; I wasn't aware of how many times a day I was adding in calories. Now I am focusing and trying to do better so I can see better results. Part of me is thrilled I have kept off the ten pounds I lost, and part of me is kicking myself that it's not 15 by now.

But this afternoon, leaving work hungry, and knowing I wasn't going to stop for fast food...well it just made me mad. To not have what I want, to feel deprived; I just wanted to indulge in a child's tantrum. But if I'm going to feel horrible, I'd rather it be from trying than from feeling fat and helpless.

Remember, there are lots of smart dedicated people who can't lose weight. People just like me who can't control their eating urges. That's the whole point of this, to escape that rat race, to be 'free' of the irrational urges. I just want it now. I want to stop feeling this way now. Okay, so maybe the vent isn't quite over.

Night time herbal tea, here I come. If I had a tub large enough I would soak and listen to my book.

Hamburger Soup

This morning was rough, but the root canal is done. I wasn't feeling stellar this afternoon, but made soup anyway. When the kids were little my husband would make hamburger soup; it seemed strange to me at the time, but it was inexpensive and I didn't have to cook - a win, win. Plus everyone loved it.

I didn't have the stamina to cook frozen hamburger at teh stove, so I threw it in the instant pot with a cup of chicken stock for 15 minutes. While it defrosted I sauteed onions and chopped up carrots and onions. Trader Joe's 21 seasonings, some Mrs. Dash table blend, and a couple of bay leaves also made it in with the onions. Once they were softened I add tomatoe paste, dried parsley, a little garlic powder and stirred it all together until blended and put the heat on low.

I did a quick release on the instant pot once the timer went off, used the new fancy plastic tool to break up the hamburger, then added the onion blend and fresh veggies, plus a bag of cubed zucchini from the fridge and a large can of crushed tomatoes, and set the instant pot for 18 minutes. I wish I hadn't forgotten the baby spinach but oh well. I started noodles on the stove so the family could add them to their soup, and when R arrived home she took over. She reduced the timer by 5 minutes, scooped out a big bowl for me, then added the noodles in.

Why am I writing all that down? Because it was fairly easy, and very delicious, and I want to remember how I made it. It needed just a touch of salt at the end, and I ate the whole big bowl set aside for me. My body was screaming for the veggies and now I am comfortably full and ready to relax for the evening. Oh, and even C ate some soup! So satisfying to have made something he would eat.

So satisfying to feel helpful.

2016 Arrives

Another year relentlessly begins the countdown to New Year's Eve. We are inspired to make lists, clean out our refrigerators, and join a gym. Well, not me so much, but the 'We' of the world. And this thought made me wonder what my other January 1st posts looked like so I went back and looked. There wasn't one for every year, and like this post most of them were not made on January 1st but on the 2nd; here they are in no particular order. Always about eating and exercising and obsessing about food. What a waste of, well, everything measurable; time, energy I guess.

I am just as tired as ever, just as mopey, nothing much has changed. I talk myself into a positive mood one day and the next I am back to exhausted and wondering why I take the time to try and care. 

In the news this week Oprah has purchased a 10% share of Weight Watchers for $40 Million . I'm not sure what this says about anything but I find it interesting is some small way.

The kids are off for breakfast, and I am back to dishes and laundry I guess. At least it keeps me out of bed. This is not the me I like at all, so I am gone and will try another day.

Focus on the Positive

I had slipped into a funk, and after so many good days it took me by surprise, as it always does. I decided not to write about it, I was not interested in whining. Instead I waited for it to pass, focusing instead on the absolute fact that I would cycle into 'up mode' shortly. I am hoping that might be today.

Favorite breakfast this morning; cold pizza and hot coffee. Of course this time there was no sugar in the coffee, and it was only one small piece of pizza. I had thought that this weekend would be about getting 'back on the wagon' after not making good choices for a couple of days, but in the end opted for common sense and moderation. Denying myself something I love is a recipe for disaster in the long run; this is experience talking, better a small slice this morning than a large gooey costco slice for lunch at some point in the upcoming week.

Goals for the day? Clean out the fridge, clean sheets on my bed, and either swim, bike or walk. Weather forecast today? 97 and light rain. Sounds tropical to me! I have been lollygagging this morning, watching an episode of extreme loser and playing with A. Time to "move it move it."
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Well, I never made it outside today. I did catch up all of the laundry, rotated a load of dishes that had accumulated in the kitchen over the three days of my funk, and...and...hmmmm, that's about it. The day just disappeared as I worked during commercials instead of fast forwarding thru them, and all of a sudden the day was done. I ate too much, and feel no compulsion to track it, so maybe today is not the day. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe never. Who knows. Certainly not me, and I am sure that is part of the problem.  I'm just tired; I got nothing.

Catching up and then diving in

I made juice Sunday, a bag each of carrots and apples, a couple thumbs of ginger and a couple of handfuls of dark red and purple grapes. So much for low sugar juices, but I had to use up the apples and I was out of greens. It is definitely decadent.

Monday was not so great. I had made a clerical error at work, and after all was said and done I had cost the client about $1k, and had to speak to the boss about it. He couldn't be more upset than I was, but telling him was awful, and I feel horrible. Felt horrible I should say and this morning I am suffering from swollen hands from the fast food fries I ate on the way home. Stress eater, how I hate that label no matter how fitting it is.

So today I am a little numb, mentally and physically, and as usual after a fall determined to have a good day. Sigh, off to work.
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Kaiser made an appt for me, testing for carpal tunnel before they will do surgery on my trigger digits. Great. I needed ONE MORE THING!

The boss is still mad at me, I have a disgruntled worker on my team because of an ongoing problem with another (not so much) team member. Come on, can I get a break? No. Because we make those and I am too much checked out myself to apparently handle anything. Wow. This is a deep pity pool and must be drained quickly.

Positives. I am here with A, I made her and her dad dinner while the Mrs. is off to convention, there is love in my life if no passion, and there is a cool breeze stirring so I can open up the house.

Bottom line I am sad for myself because I can't seem to get a grip; I need American Ninja training.

A cool morning turned bad

I love these cool summer mornings, and being able to invite Kaylee to snuggle with me without burning up. On the way to work I skipped breakfast in order to stop at the Lab for my follow up blood work the Dr. had ordered to see how my thyroid meds were doing. Or rather, how I was reacting to them. Overall I don't see much of a change so it will be interesting to see the results.

Afterwards I stopped for my decaf coffee with cream and couldn't help but reminisce a bit over yesterday's sugar. But all it took was a brief moment of reflection upon what the sugar does in our bodies to make me content with my current cup. With the 'added' sugar portion of my life under control it's time to thin out the desserts that crop up at home way too often. Along with bread and cheese. But I am making progress, indulging less and less often. I can't remember the last time I picked up a loaf of bread. I do remember that I have been actively saying no to myself every time I think how lovely it would be to have cheese and crackers for dinner.

Speaking of dinner, A and I are throwing together a chicken pot pie tonight and I need to stop and pick up stock and a container of mirepoix on the way home this afternoon. Not that A cares about the veggies, she is all about the 'dough and gravy'. That's my girl. But I (we) are saying no to her sweet tooth more often and she actually ate a little broccoli with dinner last night. 

Sigh, I should be working, not blathering, so off I go.

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A full afternoon has left me tired, and the results of this morning's blood work have me a little down. I went in to get massaged and stretched before heading towards home, picking up a few items at the store and three small children before I arrived. Two hours of swimming, then home to make chicken pot pie for the Fam's dinner. (A had two servings, veggies and all!) While it was cooking I headed back out to pick up dog food and I am more recently just in from taking out garbage. So yes, I have been moving all day, I am sore in many many places, and tired to the bone. I will not be doing any dishes tonight.

So I have some thinking to do. My bad cholesterol went up and my good cholesterol went down. That sucks, but given the amount of ice cream eaten in the past few months not really surprising. And my ATL numbers were back up - and OMG here I am venting about personal health problems twenty years too soon. I've been doing it all year, and it angers me. I need to channel this anger, but after writing here for almost ten years I have solved nothing, apparently learned nothing, and am in pretty much the same place as when I started.

I do have a better handle on being grateful, and I am gainfully employed, but in the long run it's hasn't helped my health or weight or peace of mind. I won't say what's the point, because the act of writing does give me a certain sense of release, and at times even joy as my fingers fly across the keyboard.

But I am disappointed on so many levels. Super Big Sigh.

Still Tired

I couldn't wake up this morning, yawning on the way to work, lethargic about my duties once there. It was a treat when the server went down and after lunch I headed home. So much of our work these days is computer centric; how far fetched are the stories about ending civilization as we know it by bringing down the tech? Probably not so very.

After a nap at home I picked up A and we had a good prevening together. Now I am ready to lie down again and let myself drift off. It's gotten to the point that I may be afraid enough to start taking better care of myself. All of the determination that comes and goes has ebbed to an all time low; wasn't it only days ago I was feeling so positive I was on an upward spiral? Wrong.

My dogs are killing me, and I am giving up the ghost.

Sugar Detox Redoux - Day 18/28

Sunday cometh.

Having just finished another helping of left over confetti mac n cheese I thought I should follow up on how it came out. Delicious!

Here is a recap of the veggies that went into the dish because I had to look it up to figure out what was giving the little bites of crunch. Jicama!

Healthy 8 is a colorful blend of red and green cabbages, carrots, broccoli, jicama,

 bell peppers, radishes and celery. The veggies are chopped into smallish pieces that make them easy to eat, quick to cook and beautiful to envision. Add them into soups or stews,

 simmer in pasta sauces, make these vibrant, vivacious veggies the star of a spectacular

 stir fry, or even include them in fresh-pressed juice concoctions. 

This was so good, but of course I was analyzing why I was eating it as my portion spun around in the microwave transforming from a block of leftovers into a hot and creamy dish of delight. (So maybe going a little overboard with the prose but it is awesome. I think it's the cheese I used this time, half jack and half a cheddar, gruyere blend.) And I immediately knew why I was filled with the urge to eat; tired and bored. Plain and simple. No hunger involved. Big Sigh.

I had such high hopes for the new thyroid meds and the sugar detox, and I have to admit that for a couple of weeks I thought I could really feel a difference. But this weekend my energy is just gone, kaput, vanished. I want to mow the back yard, vacuum the house, go on a bike ride. Instead I am in front of the food network eating leftovers. (Speaking of TFN there is probably going to be a sweet potato salad happening around here soon. Orange zest and chives - i'm in!)

I need to back off on the typing, coloring, dishes, and SALT. My limbs are not happy this morning so I added extra ground pepper to my mac n cheese to avoid the sodium blast. I also need to STOP EATING SO MUCH and fricken lose some pounds so I feel better. Arghh.

Deep breath, time to go calm down, take stock of the fridge, and plan a healthy week. OR NOT!

I feel like I am back in my year of disability when the doctors told me to rest my back, to do nothing, and let the inflammation subside. I still have that problem, nothing they suggested worked, and today I sat in front of the tv doing nothing and once again letting my hands and therefore my back rest. I did color a few tiles of dragon, and played one game of solitaire, but other than updating my blog that was it. I didn't venture forth from the house with the exception of one quick trip in the heat to the recycling bin.

I am exhausted from doing nothing. Has it been a waste of a weekend? IMHO, yes. And now the pinching has just begun and I'm off the keyboard.

Sugar Detox Redoux - Day 17/28

Saturday slipped by with chores and naps, an oil change for my little car, some coloring and a finally a movie once I was tucked safely into bed. A fog has once again descended, and it does worry me some. I hate to be in that place where I consider it a blessing just to be walking and breathing through the day; is that life? Really? Technically, yes, I suppose it is. But it is not how I imagine it should be at all.

No added sugar, but I snacked my way through the day; banana with PB, a bowl of confetti mac n cheese, the last of the asian salad with added sunflower seeds, and finally finishing up with delicious veggie fajitas from a local taqueria courtesy of R. So too much salt and fat, I should probably weigh myself soon but the snugness of my clothes has already told the story and I dread stepping on the scale.

Such gloom, such sadness about it all, and for what? I have so much to be grateful for as I constantly remind myself. And my hand is tingling with the precursor heat of numbness that is lurking and ready to strike. No more typing or coloring or anything today. Time to rest.

Just out of the pity pool and dripping wet

We were in a motor home, leaving an archery range with our bows packed away and quivers hanging from seat backs, the arrows bright splashes of colour against the dim interior. It was darkening rapidly outside as we headed to the side of the road where the view spread out before us. Later I would think it reminded me of Skyline in Oakland where you can look out over the San Francisco Bay and be mesmerized by the view. But back in the dream I was turning away from the view, away from H, and turning my back on all of the ways I had not been myself, all of the pretense that I had evoked in order to be with him, all of the choices I had freely made that had been about him and never about me I was so desperate to love and be loved. I didn't think these details in the dream, I just knew that was what my turning away meant. And then the dream fractured and I was driving up to the restaurant, and I think I went in even though it wasn't my shift, finding my father in law and walking back out with him; he was trim and healthy and handsome as all of the men in that family are and I felt myself break inside and asked him how he had finally lost weight, how he was able to finally win. And he morphed into my grandfather, and I was looking into Joey's eyes, and he looked me straight in my eyes and pointed to the back of his head. It's in here, it all in your mind he said with every bit of his being - just radiating out the message to me. And then it was over, and I woke crying because I had not stayed asleep long enough to understand, and I missed my grandfather and my son so much in that moment that I prayed to them, asking for help, begging for them to stay with me.

Once fully awake and unable to get out of bed, I lay there watching tv and talking myself down from the grief, talking myself into a cup of coffee and moving and finding some bit of sanity to begin the day. So it was that I was sitting in bed drinking my decaf when A woke and came stumbling in for her early weekend snuggle and to show me she could read a book she had brought with her. Normal returned rather quickly after that, and I was up putting in laundry and starting the dishes while the Fam prepared for a morning of softball.

Now I am just exhausted, and my thoughts are once again full of family; sitting in grandpa G's lap while he watched tv, watching grandma H putting on make up and going through her box of costume jewelry that was so much a part of her personality. Playing canasta with her on her beautiful back patio during my highschool years, spending time with Podder in his darkroom while he developed his pictures, visiting G & C where they lived in a gorgeous canyon and G playing guitar and C working at her pottery. Mommer puttering between the laundry room by the basement and the lanai where there were treasures to dream over. Upstairs to visit Aunt B and her porcelain doll in her beautiful attic room. Playing croquet with all of the cousins I loved so much and missed when we weren't together. So much family, so many memories, how on earth can I be sad and weepy with those to draw on; how did I end up here coming from that? It's a mystery, and I have to believe it will all work out in the end.

How I wish my heart would stop aching.

Some days just don't end well

Another busy day under my belt, all of a sudden there is lots to do and I am happy to have the hours fly past.

Lunch was spent finding a Bday card for my sis, and some chocolate to slip into the envelope. Then driving around talking myself out of any possible bad choice I could make. I wasn't so successful on the way home, stopping for tacos more out of a desire to delay my arrival at home than anything else. I am doing my share to keep positive around M, and knowing he has been home while I have been at work can be trying when I see the chores to be done. But whatever it takes to keep him whole and sane and here for his Fam is what we will do and gladly despite the mini rant.

Just in from mowing the back and bringing out the garbage cans and I am sweaty and beat. I wore one of my two new pair of $10 shoes from Walmart to work today and I am thrilled with how my feet feel. Thin rubber flexible flat soles, wide enough toe box, and a single strap across the top of my foot. Nice looking enough for the office. The second pair look a little like my vibrams, but no toe separation, just a really wide font to the shoe and same thin flexible rubber sole. Those will be Friday\weekend shoes looking more sporty and flashing a trim of orange stripe. Perhaps the Crocs have not been such a great idea as a transition shoe to more natural footwear. It's too early to tell, but my feet are currently happier than usual and I am hopeful.

Thoughts are flickering through my head this evening, one thing after another reminding me of Joey, of H, of my Ex J. What was I to these men in my life? Did being with me change them in any way? For better or worse? I still wonder mostly about Joey and the quality of his life; the balance between what a happy loving creative child he was and the misery he found himself in later. I still don't know what I could have done different at the time. In hindsight I would have paid closer attention to him and less to his father's problems. Wow, that sounded full of blame and bitterness. Have I been harbouring ill feelings without realizing it? Maybe. It no longer matters. Dead is dead.

Going to bed before a case of morbidity consumes my better sense. I'm glad to look forward to another busy work day tomorrow and fine weather for the weekend and getting some much needed yardwork done. I may even indulge in a little more retail therapy and purchase a new weed whacker. One that actually works!

breakfast: decaf, sausage biscuit
lunch: last of the leftover corned beef veggies with a spoonful of organic sour cream and hot sauce
Dinner: 2 tacos, salad with avocado
Snacks: Popcorn, one pot sticker

Sunday blues

Sunny and cold out, it was hard to get up and get going. The morning began with a movie in bed, breakfast, and a cuddly Kaylee.

I didn't sit all day, running the vacuum, doing a bit more laundry, dishes, and even running an errand to Target kept me on my feet. But the aches and pains are really slowing me down, and I'm not eating well enough to alleviate any of them just now. Big Sigh. I hate being aware of the vicious circle and still not doing anything about it. So Crazy, literally.

But as always I am determined to do better tomorrow. I actually began today, once again dipping into the ibuprofen bottle and drinking ginger water to get the inflammation down. I must keep it up. How I wish I could have a month of Sundays and really focus on taking care of myself. Of course the reality is that I would lie around and eat too much and be even worse off than I am now, my nature being what it has become.

Nine years in a slow decline, with one burst of motivation half way through that I couldn't sustain. But I will do it again. I have decided that I will not reach ten years in this stagnant pathetic shape. It is my new positive affirmation. "Every day I am getting lighter and stronger. I am in less pain and discomfort because I am making good decisions. And on 2/16/16 I will look back and feel proud of myself." I need to tape that on a micro digital recorder and pin it to my shirt so I can play it often. Oh. Wait. I have a brain that can do that.

Lighter and stronger, good decisions, out of pain. I will hypnotize myself.

Breakfast: 21 grain toast, 2 eggs over easy
Lunch:  large chopped cruciferous salad, pecans, bleu cheese vinaigrette 
Dinner:  corn on the cob, onion rings, 1 slice of whole grain w\PB&J

Nine Years

This morning A took me by the shoulders (she was sitting on my lap) and told me that this was the day that Joey died. And she hugged me tight for a long time. And without crying I said, "Nine years ago today, right now, he was still alive." We did not expand upon the topic, and the day went about as normal as could be. We took turns watching her practice riding her bike, we went to lunch together and brought pie home for dessert. I did dishes and laundry (mundane chores are soothing) and watched a lot of tv. It was just another day for most of the world, but we missed him in our own ways I think, not talking about it much, and just being together.

I still hope he is happier in whatever came next for him. I still hope there was something more for him. No matter what he did as an addict, he was still my little boy, still R's brother ready to laugh and be goofy and draw monsters and aliens, and have I mentioned he was only four when he wanted the training wheels off his bike? He was a good boy, and didn't deserve how his life shook out, and I will always shoulder some of the blame for that. One of my worst memories is of him yelling at me, "What chance did I have?" And one of the best was him holding on to me with all the might of his strong arms when he was just little, and depending on me to protect him. Ironic?

In about an hour and a half nine years ago this night he will be killed in an alleyway in Oakland. What a waste. What a nightmare. How does one live with that?

Briefly dipping my toes in the pity pool

Wanting the energy but not the fast food I opted to brew the decaf tea that is in the cupboard rather than jet through Mickey D's for coffee this morning. It's such a vicious cycle -  wanting energy which would happen if I ate more plants which would give me energy as well as causing weight loss which would also give me more energy. So its easy, just eat more plants and everything will fall into place. Right

To Do List
Clean front bathroom
File this year's taxes
Clean Room
Clean back yard
Refinance house and put a new roof on the house and maybe install a new floor too

But not today, or tomorrow? Or the next day or the next? How long can one procrastinate? Indefinitely I suppose until there are no more days left. That's more than a little sad as a perspective on life - "Oh I always meant to but never got around to it." Lazy? Uninspired? A missing connection in my brain? All the while my inner true self that is trapped by the physical world screaming to just move, to not eat, to be happy. That's a lot of inner turmoil immobilized by a fat suit; no wonder I usually feel a bit crazy, or wackadoodle as I say to A about anyone acting nuts.

Baby steps? Check one thing off the list? Get help? See a therapist? Inside I know I can do anything I set my mind to doing. I am a hard worker for others, not brilliant but not stupid either, and capable of altering my behavior without a scientist. Aren't I? Got I beat myself up so much over what should be simple daily routines, it kills me. And now I find myself blathering nonsense. Ridiculous.

I just want to go back to bed and cuddle with Kaylee.

Boo-Ya! Taxes filed! Brunch dishes washed and I'm out to watch A ride her bike sans training wheels. Second load of laundry in and I'm going to check the movie listings. Or clean the bathroom.

Breakfast: Decaf tea, honey, almond milk, one perfectly ripe pear with a scoop of honey greek yogurt
Brunch: Nuked and cubed  potato scrambled with caramelized red onions and half a bag (4oz) spinach
Lunch:  half a TJ's Mac n Cheese, leftover macadamia nut & coconut bread pudding
Dinner: 

TGIF? Not really

Kaylee and I were early up to greet the quiet grey morning, more like beach than valley weather but that's okay. A cup of TJ's dark roast decaf, a shower, and a quick blow dry and I was ready for the day.  Playing bananagrams as game of solitaire I waited for Mom to rise, and kept an eye on the pooch who was sniffing her way around the house, woofing at dogs passing by the front window, and running back to check on me intermittently.  I know it's Friday, but without a full work week under my belt it is just another day, not a big sigh of relief padded with expectations of the looming weekend.

Toasted muffins for breakfast and a quick update here before tackling the project list.
     Plant a pot of narcissus
     Hang a new family picture in the hallway
     Glue a couple of christmas decorations
     Install a shelf organizer in her bathroom vanity

And I have to admit the Peanut Butter on my muffin was not of a healthy variety, but I knew if I skipped it I would be eating again in an hour. More later.

Kaylee is curled up on the day bed gnawing away on her new little alligator chewie, outside it is raining, and in the kitchen I have some mirepoix slowly sauteing on the stove for bean soup later. We have groceries to make a stir fry on Sunday, with tofu to be marinated in Podder's marinade (equal parts catsup, soy sauce, honey and sherry with some crushed garlic thrown in) and seared until caramelized. Not Superbowl fare, but it will be delicious. Tomorrow we have lunch plans in Ventura with Dee, and I know I won't have the back to chop veggies tomorrow after the driving so Sunday it is.

We lunched at Rubio's; I skipped the veggie burrito (700-900 calories) and opted for the balsamic salad with grilled veggies (240 calories) and added a side of black beans. It was a little too lite and I know I will be hungry before it's time for soup this evening but I am sure I can find something for a snack. But back to lunch. We ate out on the patio it was so nice, and unfortunately I had a clear view of myself reflected in the dark windows of the restaurant. There was so much of me, and it didn't feel fair sitting there eating like a rabbit and looking like a cow. I mean, I know I'm big, but I didn't think I was THAT big. But I am. And I have been very sad all afternoon, lost somewhere inside this fat suit and listening to all the contrary comments contributed by my mother every time I open my mouth. It's not me, it's her, I will remain calm and not take offense. But good grief charlie brown, can I not get a break? Well, I can, and her name is Kaylee, and I would be lost without her this particular trip. It's more than just the weight, I am in a funk and just want to curl up and disappear until it passes.

Time for Jeopardy and Wheel.

Breakfast: Decaff,  whole grain english muffin with PB and J

Lunch:  green salad, fajita veggies, avocado, black beans

Snack: 1/2 large pink lady apple

Dinner:  Homemade veggie bean soup

A Day Missed

Yesterday was rather ordinary I guess, though there were some small awful moments in little increments leading up to a nap after work, too many carbs, and a fit-full sleep. I don't feel rested today, am angry with myself about stupid little things, and wishing I could just let go already.

Trying to get through a day feeling normal is hard work, and it shouldn't be so difficult. Sometimes it makes me really angry, but if I let that feeling grow I am more likely to just throw in the towel and head for my addiction of choice - food.

I have dreams & good thoughts, why don't these translate into action? Why am I so stuck inside myself? For some reason I thought I would grow out of this, but apparently that is not going to happen. I am so deathly tired of trying to analyze and fix and fight.

I just want to be happy, why is that so hard? Maybe that is the ultimate question - not why am I here, but, since I have to be here why can't I at least be happy about it?

And how come my keyboard is so filthy?

I may change the name of this blog to 'Perfecting the art of Whining'.

Later: I seem to have calmed down a little. I think it's the pain driving my craziness right now so I am more determined than ever to up my intake of anti-inflammatory foods and start back on the ibuprofen. I made a pot of ginger tea and have had a couple of large mugs this evening. I'll also keep up the omega 3 intake from flax and chia seeds so it can keep working on my brain. I will get through this rough patch without giving up.

I will get lighter, I will have less pain, I will be happier.

Breakfast: Decaf and a biscuit

Lunch:  cruciferous salad,  chick peas, peppers, cauliflower, pepitas and olive oil dressing

Snack:  green juice with chia seeds, raw carrot

Dinner:  potato soup with goat cheese

Snack: mixed nuts