A GREAT BIG SIGH

Well, here I am again. Feeling defeated and discouraged and, well, really just a big "Oh Well did you really expect anything different in the long run?" But that is just the surface, underneath there is a part of me that 'knows' what to do and that this just means there is work to be done. Work I am too lazy to do? Work I feel shouldn't have to be done so it just makes me mad to think about what I should be doing? I mean really, why should it take so much work to just feel at peace? Because peace is not why we are here? Which brings me back to my childhood, and swinging on the front gate while I wonder why I have to be here again. Wondering why I can't just go back.

It's the same old question humanity has asked forever, why are we here? Except I knew in that moment of childhood clarity there was a somewhere I came from, someplace that was better, a place that I liked, and where I belonged. At a young age - 6? 7? 8? - I knew I didn't want to be here on earth and 'going through this again.' That feeling has followed me through life as I struggled to get through everyday things, and mostly doing a bad job of it.

I blamed myself for being lazy when I didn't live up to my own expectations, when I didn't have a career path to follow, when I didn't excel at the ordinary business of growing up.

While I try to believe I have forgiven myself for how my life has unfolded, mostly I know I failed and that is  probably the underlying reason for why I am back here in a place of regret and sadness with tears streaming down my face as I type. Sitting in my Mother's dining room, surrounded by beautiful things, I am a fish out of water. Voluminous soft black sweater keeping me warm, laptop humming away, I am anomaly in this space dedicated to delicate glassware, orchids, and ceramic creatures. A sort of analogy for my whole life.

And I see that the pity party has begun so another great big sigh leaves my body and I hitch up my big girl panties to once again start over. Because I am not certain I have fulfilled any purpose yet in this life, and just noticing the glimmering of a chance that there may be something I need to do before I can go back pulls my mind out of the gutter and makes me want to keep trying; the fucking Pollyanna game is once again afoot and I must sit here and be grateful for what brings joy to my life.

Okay, so maybe I'm drawing a blank on that at the moment with the huge exception of my grandkids. Every hug, every conversation, reminds me that love is everything, and that everything I have been has brought me to this place with them.  Maybe that is why depression is trying to sneak in - because I am planning to leave them and move South in September to be here full time for a while with Mom. It might be for the rest of her life, or maybe just a few months to spend a holiday season with her; she is 90 and I do feel we are running out of time. Time to connect, to get to know each other. But I don't anticipate that happening as we are both so set in our ways. I am hoping time together will ease us into some semblance of acceptance, but at the  moment all I can see is work. AFGO indeed.

So what started this early morning rant down pity lane? As usual it is my weight. I have not been Bright more than a day at a time lately, and since I was here on a visit last month I have gained 9 pounds. Amazing what the body can do!

But at least stepping on the scale made it clear that it is time to clear the decks, start fresh, and take care of myself. This being typed while there is cream in my mug of tea so of course I have already failed as it is not a Bright morning. My bad for not stopping to pick up oat milk, and for planning to use cream in the scalloped potatoes at Easter dinner. so there it was waiting for me in the fridge this morning.

As previously stated, I know what to do, I'm just lazy. Or at least there is a very strong part of me that uses that as an excuse, and that is the part I need to get to know, and THERE IT IS AGAIN; why all the work? Maybe there is an even bigger rebel part that I still need to work on first. And that is my trailhead for the parts work; why does having to do the work piss me off so much? If we are spiritual beings living a human experience to feel/grow/enrich our souls then why is such a strong part of me so resistant?

Another great big sigh.

I haven't journaled in a while, because I was writing so much crap as evidenced by the above jumble. But I need to start again, it being part of the work I am so resistant to doing. And I guess I should start by being grateful. For this quiet morning to reflect, for the hot mug of tea, for the ability to work remotely so I can be here.

One of the things Mom and I need to work on is how we will manage our meals. I have been eating at 8, 11 and 4 for years now, while she eats closer to 10, 2, and whenever. But we can do that in September,  for now I just need to navigate through the weekend. Forget that, I just need to plan a bright breakfast! I may have to run to the store a little earlier than anticipated this morning.

Funny how quickly I can go from 'why am I here' to grocery shopping, which I suppose is the magic of journaling.

I have a Bright Line Eating quote on a sticky, something I felt important as it lives just below the keypad of my laptop. "Choose what you want and pay for it; now in work or later in consequences."  This morning I saw the consequences of breaking my lines and lying to myself about how often I was doing it. And here we are, back to the WORK. A full circle moment. But at least now I am calm.

Broken lines, Cooking, and a small rant

Seven Bright nights in a row before I broke a line. It started yesterday with a hot-flash, followed by what felt like a  sugar crash all mixed up with an anxiety attack. It was just before lunch and so I made my meal, gobbled it down like the crazy person I felt to be, thinking all the while that this wasn't going to do it. A hand full of yogurt covered raisins rescued from their neglect in a snack cup on the dining room table were next to go in my mouth, and then it was pepperoni slices, string cheese, and finally triscuits with butter on them. This desperate consumption of anything I could easily get my hands on is not unfamiliar to me, it just hasn't happened in a long while and caught me by surprise.

I didn't pause to think, "I'm not going to die, this feeling will pass!" Instead I let panic take me down the rabbit hole, not breaking, but bursting through my bright line fir quantities. But then the feeling began to pass. That sounds rather mild, instead it was more like the tsunami of nerves that had been flooding me with the desperate need to inhale calories began to quiet and I was able to take a breath and sit down. It wasn't quite over, and jumping  up I aimed for the kitchen and did have a few bites of cake, breaking the next two lines for sugar & flour. Finally the need was satiated and I began to feel 'normal'.

What a disaster it was, any semblance of thought or self control totally obliterated by the monster that held me in it's grip. By five it was time to go to work and I felt fully recovered. I made a hot cuppa tea, and spent the next few hours crunching numbers. Not really crunching, because I am doing financial reviews for year end reports, so more like slogging through a tedious task that leaves you exhausted. Sort of like riding shot gun on a long road trip with nothing but wasted fields for a view.

Today is good so far, and I am hoping it is the first Bright day and night in another string of seven. That would make me happy, but at the same time I am left wondering what the fuck happened yesterday. My food has been so good all week, and so I am left to look at other factors. Maybe a change in my thyroid medicine. Maybe the hemp oil I have been taking in my tea at night, or....the newest change, using a CBD cream on my hip and shoulder to see if it will help the inflammation that I suspect is the root cause of the pain in those joints. I am not going to change anything right now, but if I have another 'episode' then I will eliminate either the oil or cream and go from there.

I wish the medical community would get with the program and figure the whole CBD thing out so we aren't left having to rely so much on trial and error. Guinea pigs are wonderful to look at, but to be one? Not so much.

Today I am cooking. I did the first quick cook on a batch of black-eyed peas, and braised some pork steaks. Once the broth from the pork cools a bit, I'll use it to cover the beans so they can soak overnight. Tomorrow I'll finish cooking both along with a batch of veggies that includes lots of spinach and zucchini, then weigh out meals, splitting the protein between the pork and beans and adding in the veggies; it always feels good to have pre-weighed meals in the fridge.

Then for dinner, I'm cooking a pot roast with lots of brussels sprouts and carrots so there are left overs. While the goal is to move away from eating animal protein, there is nothing like vegetables that have been roasted with some meat. My Bad.

I am thankful today for our warmth, light, and water, and hoping the powers that be can correct the devastation that so many are suffering through in Texas and other places around the world. So many smart people, such a huge labour force, and we can't even get the infrastructure right. Why on earth at this point in our evolution are there still so many without their basic needs being met. As a species, we are not getting very good grades if  anyone is paying attention.

Enough cynicism, time to go prep for dinner and let Cal get some rest from my typing.

The Dark and The Light of Me

As I lay awake last night, I made several attempts, over and over for half the night it seemed, to quiet the voice that wanted to eat. I tossed and I turned and I searched in vain for a comfortable position. I took deep breaths, and settled in the warmth of  my bed again and again as I waited for the urge to leave. I quoted back to myself the mantras of a food addict, and reminded myself of little science facts to overcome the building compulsion to get out of bed and stuff something in my face.

Eventually I lost, and sat in bed eating Triscuits. No sugar, no flour, but eating none the less. Shameful, I think. And immediately I take a breath, and remember to be kind. To be compassionate to myself. And while it has become easier all the time to forgive myself, at the same time there is a deeper, subtle frustration building that this is taking so long. This healing, this journey, this everything.

I'm right back in the car listening to the man on the radio explaining that he had wasted his life trying to analyze it. And I am that man. Most of the time I know it doesn't really matter how I spend my time, and I think that particular feeling is at the core of things, at the core of everything. No matter how I work to convince myself that I am worthy, the dark seed that lies at my root is that I failed my son, and that there is no coming back from that. That certainty is my rock bottom. It is my anchor to failure. 

I may believe that we are all connected, and that the energy I put out into the world matters,  but that doesn't negate the reality of how I feel.  I know that these are parts with different personalities and beliefs and convictions, but they are both me, and living in this state of contradictory beliefs is slowly grinding me down, giving my core sharp brittle edges that are hard to smooth over with platitudes and parts work.

I will not let the panic I feel rising  win. I will drop my shoulders and keep breathing. I will command my thoughts with positivity and lean into the routine of the day hoping that sanity will soon follow.

My left analytical brain who tells the stories, and my right emotional brain who yearns to belong to the light - surely they will drive me mad. But I have read enough stories in my life to know that the light will win, one way or another, and maybe with bodies lying bloody and mangled in the road, but the light will win.

A Dream

This morning, snuggling back into bed after the obligatory trip to the loo, I didn't want to meditate. I wanted to sink back into the delicious dream I had been having. There was a very handsome man, and I welcomed his attentions - just flirting- to a degree that was unexpected and fun and just plain delightful. I wanted to feel that way again, if only for a moment, in a dream, in my warm safe nest.

Big Sigh.

Maybe I am not dead inside after all. And at that thought I feel the wall go up inside, "Thou shall not pass!" demands my fierce protector at the mere idea of intimacy. I can imagine a future that includes a love life, but I do fear that my dreams are unrealistic and it makes me so sad. Because I dream of a partner I can talk to, and really share a life with - not just a bed.

Silly girl. Like that happens.

Enough cynicism for the day! To work!

The Struggle continues

How have three days gone by since I sat to complain? At least that is what it feels like, that once again I am just here to complain about my failures, so my incentive to write anything is low. Very low. The idea of listing my broken lines is exhausting, and suffice it to day my days are still Bright while my nights are not.

I stepped on the scale to weigh myself this morning, fearing the worst and hoping to see a number that would scare me back on the straight and Narrow. Lo Battery. That's what I got instead of a number. Was it a sign to stop weighing? Confirmation that I am focusing on the wrong thing?

I posted in my Bright Line Facebook house that I am in need of support, that I am tired of maintaining my weight loss and need some encouragement. I expect that when I sign on later there will be a few 'you got this' comments that will mean practically nothing to me - no one really speaks truth to power there, it's all rainbows and lemon drops so to say. Well, not lemon drops, but you get the drift.

I spent some time this morning portioning out roasted butternut squash and onions; I'll pair them up with some black eyed peas that are bubbling away on the stove and have another couple of meals to store away in the fridge. It kills me that I spend the time to eat right just to screw it all away by eating extra in the middle of the night. All the tools I have get pushed aside one I wake and find myself in the kitchen. It's really exhausting, mentally and physically, and sends me right back to the old sick and tired of being sick and tired infinity loop.

I'm trying to figure out when this happened, this downward spiral, and what instigated it. I have added anti-oxidants and vitamin D to my daily regimen in an effort to counter. I guess what I really need to add are the old tried and trues of flax and spinach. I will try to find the gumption to make that happen soon.

I will. 

Here, let me show how NOT to do it

What a day. I am so disappointed. It was harder than yesterday, and I am really fighting to keep my calm. It's as though signing up for boot camp raised all of my defenses; think mule with hoofs planted firm. I Shall Not Move! Let my stubbornness reign! All of the optimism that has flowed through me for the past few months has abandoned me, leaving me mad and upended and distraught.

Take a deep breath, this will subside, it's just my Flight response in overdrive. Holy crap that almost rhymes.

I forgot to make oatmeal last night and woke up late this morning after laying awake until 1am and finally getting up and eating cookies; I had no fight left. Only three small ones, but still - flour AND sugar AND snacking. So no breakfast prepared as planned, and I grabbed a banana on my way out the door. And no lunch to pack because I forgot R used the last one - she told me, I just forgot to count. And I was half asleep getting ready for work in a hurry and didn't think to stop and measure out another meal from the larger container in the fridge. Grrr.

So I keep PB at work, and had some on my banana for breakfast. Did I mention I stopped for a decaf on the way to work? And thank heavens managed to escape without a breakfast sandwich. But I thought about it for a split second, and had to FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT to get our of there clean.  I'm so mad at myself, my brain. It's as if some part of me is trying really hard to give up.

(b)  banana, PB - no grain
(l)  salad from Sprouts with quinoa, garbanzo beans, sunflower seeds, broccoli, carrots & tomatoes
(d)  chopped salad with ham, no cooked veggies

At work I ate half a cookie, and of course it wasn't even good. I also picked up three from a bakery box in the kitchen at work thinking the family would love them. Realizing how crazy it was for me to be taking cookies home I threw them away before leaving the office.

Then getting home - and they are making breakfast for dinner. PANCAKES, with POWDERED SUGAR and Fresh Squeezed Lemon juice. My favorite from childhood.  I put blinders on and started pulling veggies out of the fridge. I weighed out my salad, at least I had prepped a container of chopped veggies so it was easy to throw them on top of some lettuce then add in my sliced ham. Oh yea, the ham that was a present, has to be eaten, and has a sweet crust that I trim off. I know this is not on plan, but I am eating it anyway. A penny pincher, that is what I have become over the past year.

What is going on??? I feel like I am losing my mind. Why can't I surrender to this. Why am I so unwilling to accept today what felt so real and healing and positive two days ago?  I have to keep fighting, I have to believe this will pass. I am mad that this may in fact turn out to be just another lost opportunity. I hate that I am feeling stupid and willful; it's just wrong.

2016 Arrives

Another year relentlessly begins the countdown to New Year's Eve. We are inspired to make lists, clean out our refrigerators, and join a gym. Well, not me so much, but the 'We' of the world. And this thought made me wonder what my other January 1st posts looked like so I went back and looked. There wasn't one for every year, and like this post most of them were not made on January 1st but on the 2nd; here they are in no particular order. Always about eating and exercising and obsessing about food. What a waste of, well, everything measurable; time, energy I guess.

I am just as tired as ever, just as mopey, nothing much has changed. I talk myself into a positive mood one day and the next I am back to exhausted and wondering why I take the time to try and care. 

In the news this week Oprah has purchased a 10% share of Weight Watchers for $40 Million . I'm not sure what this says about anything but I find it interesting is some small way.

The kids are off for breakfast, and I am back to dishes and laundry I guess. At least it keeps me out of bed. This is not the me I like at all, so I am gone and will try another day.

Warm Nights and Warmer Days

I want Fall, I want the crisp Autumnal air to breeze through my bedroom window and raise goosebumps along my arms and feel the delight of snuggling into warm flannel sheets. I want to smell dead leaves and candles and fireplace smoke. I want to wear a sweater to work and boots and make rich savory soups full of greens and lentils and caramelized onions.

Instead the Summer lingers as it always does in September, barely 20° between day and evening temperatures; sweaters in the mornings only, too tired to shower at night and going to bed warm and sticky and cranking the AC down to feel some relief as there is no mitigating breeze from outside. I wonder, is it worse to watch the weather or whine about it. I have obviously pitched my tent in the later camp.

But I do need to spend a moment to express the awe of watching a super moon set the day after our recent Lunar Eclipse. So large and delicate, pale and charming as it races towards the foothills; there I will turn North and lose her company on this most auspicious of mornings.

 <>.

Here is her Pic.

~~~~~~~~~~

But any further thoughts I was wanting to share on that day were forgotten and now it is the First of October. The weather is still in the 70's and still too warm at night but that is not what propelled me to write on this particular night. 

I tend to sit at night and scroll through the movie channels and set to record anything that catches my fancy. Then I have 'go to's' on sleepless nights or early mornings like today. Prelude To A Kiss was the catch of the night and I caught my breath at the following point in the movie.

“Never to be squandered.....the miracle of another human being.” 

― Craig Lucas, Prelude to a Kiss

If only we could all embrace that simple message it would solve so many challenges we face as a world community. There I go dreaming again. Silly me.

On that note I exit stage left.

Day Three of Fourteen: 1500 Calories

OR NOT.

What a blowout today was. I am hot and irritated both at myself and at the weather. Blech. This is what a few bad decisions can do to a promising day:

321 Calories over and none of them good. All of those red numbers are BAD stats. Look at the fricken sodium in the fast food - my trigger fingers will be frozen in the morning. All because of an impulse buy when driving through for a semi-reasonable burrito dinner and has thrown me off by more than I anticipated. Then having eaten so early I was ready for a snack three hours later and there was one lemon yoghurt left just calling my name. And of course I answered. With gusto.

So tomorrow will be better, well, at least it usually is but given my ups and downs lately (fourty years?) it's not a guarantee. So busy at work, and then accidentally working some overtime after working through lunch had left me a bit grumpy. I forgot about HALT. You know, never let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Let's say the whole shebang hit me at once on the way home. Not that I recognized in the moment what was happening. Hey, the picture just looked good - I shouldn't have been there in the first place.

At least I tracked it, instead of checking out and giving up on my two weeks and apologizing later.

Yep, living in the moment here. Doing the time. Recording every little crazy bit of it.

A Binging Day

Driving to work having eaten a sausage biscuit I was horrified to discover that I wanted to keep eating. Out of nowhere I felt empty and had a desperate desire/need/compulsion to keep eating. I talked myself down from stopping anywhere else for a second breakfast almost all of the the way to work, and at the last turn into our business center turned left instead of right and ended up driving through CJ's for yet another sausage biscuit. Good Grief. I did stay away from the leftover carrot cake, cream cheese stuffed sandwich cookies in the kitchen at work, but made up for it triple at lunch. First stop, Taco Bell, nachos no meat. Second stop, Micky D's for an oreo frappe. Really? This is how I choose me?

No stopping on the way home to eat, and once here cut up half of a small seedless watermelon and ate it all. Then I finished the last half cup of Cheezit's leftover from our road trip. And next had a cup of noodles with hot sauce. Is it laziness? Is it forgetting to take my thyroid pills two days in a row? Is it backlash from a couple of good days? I really make myself crazy sometimes, and wish I could figure out how my switches work so I can keep the toggle on 'awesome' instead of 'eh'.

Hopefully the eating is over for the night. The intense 'need' has subsided and I am pretty tired. I should make myself do something productive, like go out and repair the front hose so I can set a drip on one of the trees, but just thinking about it my brain steers the idea onto the Saturday list and won't even consider that task as a possibility for today.

So was it really a binge? Time to Google calories? Hmmm. Do I really want to know?

Nachos	362
Frappe	540
1st sausage biscuit	430
2nd	480
Noodles	290
Watermelon	170
	2272

No, I didn't really want to know. But this should help me fight harder should this happen again. I can't remember the last time I did this. CRAZY.

So, just another whiny day. If I had a quarter for every one of those....

Mental games

I don't know if the electric charges they zapped me with during the testing yesterday have instigated today's zings and twinges or if I am just more acutely aware of they symptoms now that I have been diagnosed. But my hands are more tingly than ever and I'm getting little fire trails across the tops of a couple of digits. Fascinatingly weird. And damn the phlebotomist that drew blood a bit ago, I am still getting  pain along the nerve he hit; it's crisp and painful and I am about a day away from complaining to health services. What if this doesn't go away? Because as I like to say, I needed one more thing to complain about!

I'm still doing my finger stretches each day on the steering wheel while commuting, and my toes stretches while sitting watching tv. I've added mornings so the toes are actually getting stretched twice a day now and I think it may be helping the feet pain.

This has been such a long week with R gone. Today I left work exactly on time and arrived in town early enough to come home and take a quick nap before grabbing A, heating up a pre-made lasagna, and vegging out to Star Trek. M is home now and they are chilling together while I type; sending out a prayer to the universe - please give him the insight to see how it matters how he speaks to her and fill his tone with love no matter how tired he may be. I guess that goes for all of us.

So off to the Dr. in the morning to see what they have to say about my hands. I will remember to hear everything with a grain of salt and make no hurried decisions. I love and value my hands, I don't want to jeopardize their future.

And watch god laugh

I slept hard, waking later than usual, and after quickly throwing myself together and taking care of my morning chores (yes, the dogs need their breakfast too) I headed out to drive through for coffee and a biscuit. My first sip of coffee slammed into my senses, all of a sudden taste and smell shifting into high alert. SWEET! OMG, they had given me someone elses order and there was sugar in my coffee. A lot of sugar, best guess is between 6-10 shots from their dispenser, and I froze with cup in hand as I waited for the traffic light to turn green. There was no impulse to throw the coffee out the window, just a wondering about how sweet the coffee was. A second sip and I was hooked, and I must say the guilt was minimal at best.

Arriving at work I was..hyped up? Scattered? Unfocused? Flying might be a good description, without a destination in mind I might add. I have just caught myself sitting here sorting through my options on what to begin working on when I realized I was flitting from one project to another in my mind without my body settling anywhere to actually begin working. This sucks. And I am suddenly afraid of the crash that will surely be coming. Wondering how long that may be my interest is suddenly not in doing the work I am getting paid to do but rather on documenting my sugar high. Well, this is productive!

Back to work. Effing sugar. So this is how the universe repays my rant from yesterday, "make plans and watch god laugh."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After work I picked up A and we went grocery shopping together, then headed home to make dinner together. I love working in the kitchen with her, my little helper. I think R has signed her up for cooking classes, and I'll be leaving work early to take her come the Fall.

I never did have the crash I was expecting this afternoon, but I had two pieces of fruit at work, probably defraying the expected damage. Now it's definitely time to hit the sheets.

TGIFF

I ended up getting A early from daycare yesterday and the two of us made dinner together last night; her grandpa Jim's favorite chicken recipe (how I wish they could have met) mashed potatoes, caesar salad, fruit salad and corn on the cob. We rocked it. And Lemon Oreo's for dessert.

Tonight they are going out for kabobs and I am taking some time off. I've been fighting something off at work all week, maybe just a bad case of aversion, but I am relishing the idea of waking up in the morning, then stretching & turning over to snuggle back in and go back to sleep. I've put in a long week of trying hard to be helpful and I need a break.

I have got to tend to the roses this weekend before they die. I know most plants thrive after a period of stress, but I think this is cutting it close.  I had to drop by the water district on business today and saw they had a link posted to www.loseyourlawn.com which reminded me I wanted to get started on a pilot program for our HOA. Maybe. But at the least I need to irrigate around the base of the roses and get some bark or something down to help hold in the moisture. I miss the colour outside my bedroom window.

Time for some Friday evening coffee ice cream and a movie while the house is quiet. My Bad. And I am feeling the need for a weekend reboot; too many dessert lately and not enough greens. Again, My Bad.

God I wish it would cool off again.

And the price

For my two good days I paid with a hellish Monday, one complication after another arising until we were giddy with forced stress relief; you can cry or laugh - we choose to laugh. The final stroke was a scathing email from my boss requesting an explanation for something that happened before I was ever hired. I told him where he could go look for his answers. I wasn't actually that crude, but did point him in the direction of those who may know the answers and did tell him to ask them. Then my eight hours being up I left for the day. My SIL put it all in perspective - hey, you can tell him anything as long as you back it up with a smiley face.

The new texting protocol - say what you mean and soften the blow with an icon showing you are smiling while calling them a dick.

I came home and focused my energy into preparing the kids a pot roast for dinner; I was thanked and complimented sufficient unto the meal and earned some literal brownie points from M.

I am so looking forward to seeing my email in the morning at the office. But in the meantime SYTYCD is on and I am signing out.

Vacation 3/10 :: Foxtails 3/3

R made juice this morning, a dark purple full of strawberries and cabbage, kale and cucumber, ginger and beets, an apple, a couple of kiwis - maybe the kitchen sink too but I lost track. Whatever, I surely did enjoy it. I am taking it easy in my room after a rude awakening in the middle of the night, my hand a hot cramping mess, and then a morning of stiffness, my hand swollen and uncooperative. After many questions and answers with the advice nurse we determined I could wait to see my regular physician tomorrow. So our trip is delayed, by how  much only tomorrow will tell, but I definitely cannot drive with my hand as it is.

I am too young to be old and frail, and a little pissed off about it this morning. I know that the anger will pass, but what I don't know is if I have finally had a loud enough wake up call to take care of myself. Another story to be told by time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I rested much of the day, icing my hand a few time. Then there was a little puttering a little in the back yard, putting away dishes, a quick trip to the grocery store to see how my hand felt on the steering wheel. Not bad, not good. I don't know if there is anything the Dr. will be able to tell me tomorrow morning, and our road trip is still undecided. A is the optimist and she has packed. I'll throw some things together before going to bed tonight, and can finish up tomorrow if I decide we are going.

And if we go I'll be leaving Kaylee here, having A along will be plenty in the company and responsibility departments. I just wish I felt better, I wish I felt like going.

A Tale of two cookies

Sometimes I have dinner early, as in driving through for a bean and salsa burrito on the way home at 4pm. If I don't go to bed and fall asleep by 9pm I find myself ravenously hungry. Even on a day like today when I was sure to hydrate adequately.

So I found myself doing something that has cropped up again of late; standing in front of the refrigerator with both doors wide open releasing cool air up and down my body while I peruse the items in vain for something 'I want'. A half eaten apple (we do live with a six year old), some honeydew melon, PB of course, drawers full of crisp delicious veggies that are not even in the running for selection, and an odd assortment of leftovers that I was not keen to open.

I remember the three years I was eating well and this whole 'browsing to no avail' experience just disappeared from my life. In Other Words, when I get enough nutrients I am not driven back into hunt and gather mode.

In the end I found two bakery cookies all alone in the bottom of a bag the kids had thrown in the wooden bowls that live on the back corner of the kitchen counter where they are waiting their turns to be filled with the afore mentioned crisp and delicious veggies (think salad.) The cookies were oatmeal with raisins and nice if not wonderful (it could have been both better and worse, there could have been chocolate involved) but do I remember the enjoyment of eating them? No. I remember the frustration of standing in front of the fridge. So not satisfying at all and I am sure there will be heartburn later since I ate them on an empty stomach. Yes I have tums by my bed. Another habit that had become obsolete but is now once again ordinary.

I really enjoyed living without heartburn. I really enjoyed having my size 14 jeans (ok, stretch jeans) fit comfortably. I enjoyed hiking and shooting and swimming without feeling like a whale. I say happiness should be enough of an incentive to stick with good habits and I want to know why it isn't. Really. Why.

Focus on the positive, remember what it feels like to make healthy choices, stop the damn heartburn in it's tracks. No more bread, tortillas or cookies for a while - heartburn is one pain I can fix so I shall do it. I shall.

Sugar Detox Redoux - Day 18/28

Sunday cometh.

Having just finished another helping of left over confetti mac n cheese I thought I should follow up on how it came out. Delicious!

Here is a recap of the veggies that went into the dish because I had to look it up to figure out what was giving the little bites of crunch. Jicama!

Healthy 8 is a colorful blend of red and green cabbages, carrots, broccoli, jicama,

 bell peppers, radishes and celery. The veggies are chopped into smallish pieces that make them easy to eat, quick to cook and beautiful to envision. Add them into soups or stews,

 simmer in pasta sauces, make these vibrant, vivacious veggies the star of a spectacular

 stir fry, or even include them in fresh-pressed juice concoctions. 

This was so good, but of course I was analyzing why I was eating it as my portion spun around in the microwave transforming from a block of leftovers into a hot and creamy dish of delight. (So maybe going a little overboard with the prose but it is awesome. I think it's the cheese I used this time, half jack and half a cheddar, gruyere blend.) And I immediately knew why I was filled with the urge to eat; tired and bored. Plain and simple. No hunger involved. Big Sigh.

I had such high hopes for the new thyroid meds and the sugar detox, and I have to admit that for a couple of weeks I thought I could really feel a difference. But this weekend my energy is just gone, kaput, vanished. I want to mow the back yard, vacuum the house, go on a bike ride. Instead I am in front of the food network eating leftovers. (Speaking of TFN there is probably going to be a sweet potato salad happening around here soon. Orange zest and chives - i'm in!)

I need to back off on the typing, coloring, dishes, and SALT. My limbs are not happy this morning so I added extra ground pepper to my mac n cheese to avoid the sodium blast. I also need to STOP EATING SO MUCH and fricken lose some pounds so I feel better. Arghh.

Deep breath, time to go calm down, take stock of the fridge, and plan a healthy week. OR NOT!

I feel like I am back in my year of disability when the doctors told me to rest my back, to do nothing, and let the inflammation subside. I still have that problem, nothing they suggested worked, and today I sat in front of the tv doing nothing and once again letting my hands and therefore my back rest. I did color a few tiles of dragon, and played one game of solitaire, but other than updating my blog that was it. I didn't venture forth from the house with the exception of one quick trip in the heat to the recycling bin.

I am exhausted from doing nothing. Has it been a waste of a weekend? IMHO, yes. And now the pinching has just begun and I'm off the keyboard.

Sugar Detox Redoux - Day 12/28

Almost half way through my latest sugar detox and I feel like I am starting over at day one again. Just like everything else I am stuck in a do-over rut. Dishes, laundry, chores, eating, not eating, and now not eating sugar. The day went fine, no big temptations, a big chopped salad at lunch with my fresh lovely new dressing, and then my stop at TJ's resulted in a margherita pizza that is currently in the freezer waiting for the day to cool off so I can fire up the oven.

Short vent: My boss thinks I am an idiot, of course he feels the same way about the rest of the world so I shouldn't let myself get so mad. Arghhhhhhhh. Just let me do my F'ing job already. Obviously another nice day at work.

Time to open up and preheat the oven because Pizza fixes everything except your pant size, right? Or breathing, where is my inhaler - the wind is stirring everything up and my lungs are rebelling. Because I needed one more thing on my plate. Am I done? Anything else I want to get off my chest?

Early to bed with some extra Immune to fight off whatever allergen it is that was bothering me on and off all day. Tomorrow will be better, it's all in the mind, remember your psycho cybernetics sweetie and do some visualizing for god's sake.

Sugar Break and a small FML rant

I was going to continue on, maybe through a year, of keeping sugar out of my life. But today was too hard, and I am too emotional. Having dessert is not such a catastrophe, but the fact that actually eating it was not planned and instead was an emotional response makes me a little nuts.

I had dessert boxed up to take home to the Family, along with a couple of slices of excellent pizza for A, and it sat safely in the car while I finished up at work. Which included a stressful conversation with the boss. Driving home I of course thought of a million things I should have said, all unproductive and unrealistic. I thought of a variety of emails I might send excusing myself from work the rest of the week. I thought of explaining that if I was not doing an adequate job and all of a sudden needed to be micromanaged then perhaps he should find someone else who would work for his paltry wage and endure his endless slights.

I was not hungry, and not tempted to eat on the way home from this meeting. In tears, pissed off, mad about being so affected by his pettiness when it is not worthy of my attention or stress. It's just a fucking job, no more and no less; it pays the mortgage.

But on the way home I had a text, could I please pick up A, and arriving at daycare (who is also a friend) I saw that it would be less intrusive if I came back in an hour, so instead of bringing home treats to the Fam instead I came home to a quiet empty  house and ate everything myself. The pizza, the dessert, the left over french bread with butter. Big sad frustrated sigh. It's hard realizing I will probably never grow up and be anything but an emotional eater. But it's so difficult to work hard and find I am in the end neither valued for my dedication nor trusted to do my job adequately.

Now I have to go pick up A and pretend I am ok. I can do this. For her I can do this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What a train wreck. When I picked up A she was upset, there had been a Wii fiasco with another child and she was close to tears, and really pissed off. Sound familiar? Well, she didn't want my comfort, which devastated me and when we arrived home she took my hand to make sure we were good; and of course we were. Once inside she had a snack, and we watched a couple of episodes of Pippi Longstockings while we both calmed down; A on my lap as I sat on the floor, her feet on mine and my arms wrapped around her as she clutched me with her strong little arms. I think we depend much on each other and the love we share against the cruelties of the world. Then came homework and a bit of reading, and finally R is home and I can sneak quietly away to brood, play solitaire and listen to my story.

I am sure not many like the emotional ups and downs a day can bring that leave one thoroughly exhausted. It just seems like maybe I have paid my dues and that there could be some peace in my life. Truly, there is no rest for the wicked.

Tomorrow  I will start again on my quest to rid my body of excess sugar. I am also once again ready to say goodbye to meat. If I have to drive through for decaf sometimes so be it, but no sausage. No bacon. No more subsidizing cruelty to animals.

And on that positive note, I am off.

Sugar Detox - Day 22/28

I am insane. I had a brownie at lunch and a small bowl of ice cream for dessert. This week has gone downhill fast and today I just flat out gave up.

I will try again tomorrow. Oh, and A says I look pretty like Cinderella at the ball. God I love that child.

I will not try again tomorrow. I will just say no to sugar. Period.