Nutrients

Watching 'What the Health' on Netflix reminded me of some of the many reasons I began eating for Nutrition back in...2008? I don't remember exactly. What I do remember is that for the three years I concentrated on feeding my body well, I was feeling better, having more energy and slimming down without suffering. So what happened? Why am I fat and unhappy about it? Well, unhappy in some moments and could care less in others which is the crux of the problem and has been for a while. Remembering to care becomes exhausting when coupled with working full time. I long for the days when I could meal plan, prep in advance and enjoy chopped salads for lunch and nutrient rich soups and stoups for dinner without being overwhelmed by it all.  And spending much of the day on the computer doesn't leave my back in any shape for food prep. I am still modifying my behavior from the repetitive motion injury that started back in 2004 when archery was still in the picture. Another source of grief, not being able to shoot.

So for the last few weeks I have been adding in more nutrition, cutting back on the easy fast food, and talking myself out of having a snack in the middle of the night - well, sometimes anyway. That's a hard one as I'm no longer using any night time sleep help and bread is my go to comfort food. Luckily there isn't usually much of that in the house.

I think watching puss drain from an infected pig carcass in the movie has cured my longing for a sausage biscuit at Mickey D's - hopefully permanently. And I am working more normal hours so I have more time and energy to think about what to eat.

Yesterday I had real coffee in the morning with cream and sugar - another treat on the way out - and wasn't hungry until brunch time. I spent the morning working in the back yard, mowing up fox tails and giving all of the trees a good soak in preparation for a sizzling weekend. It's a good think to work before eating because then I am hot and wanting something cool instead of being cold and craving something hot. Win Win.  Brunch turned into a  Shape smoothie, adding frozen spinach, my daily tablespoon of ground flax, red grapes, and a small banana. I used unsweetened almond milk, and it was green and delicious. Well, it's always green and delicious, but just a little more so yesterday.

Today I am making parfaits using frozen berries, Cashew yogurt with honey & vanilla, and scoops of flax & hemp hearts.  These thicken up overnight and make a dense filling breakfast that I can feel good about. I am playing with the idea of mixing in a shape packet with the cashew yogurt to give each parfait a bit of a nutritional lift, We'll see.

Nothing playing at the movies this weekend, and I caught up all of the laundry yesterday so I am thinking about how to spend my time. There are several projects I could work on, but already my bed is calling for a quick morning nap. Maybe it was the hash browns and egg I had for breakfast....

Listening to Katy and Dani chat on their 63rd podcast (Movement Matters) as I eat purple potatoes and make an entry here. Yes, we multitask.

Also today to eat was a banana to break my fast, a red grapefruit for snack, and raw orange & yellow sweet peppers with my potatoes at lunch.

My hope is to make bean soup for dinner using the red chard that came in our Farm Fresh box this morning. (Farm Fresh)

Time to listen.

A mood strikes

I was out of coffee and cream this morning so opted to drive through McD's on the way to work. Sitting looking at the menu I decided that today is the day to revisit vegetarianism. I ordered a medium decaff, two cream, and a yogurt parfait. I by no means considered this a healthy choice, just one without meat and a step in the right direction.

Lunch was a drive though at Carl's Jr. and again, I opted for a taco salad no meat. Unfortunately they also did not give me beans! I know I will be hungry in a few hours but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

It's strange I feel like writing this down, and I don't know if it means anything, but I'm just going with the flow.

Half way through December

November disappeared in a swamp of disinterest (that being said, Thanksgiving was nice)  and December is scrambling by as I try try try to hold up my end of the holiday season. Dance recital, check. Christmas shopping, check. Decorating, check.

My wished for lentil soup is warming in the microwave as I type, some of the leavings of the mornings juice dancing about between and admongst the little green lentils; the fiber of the beets, carrots and greens blended into submission along with the caramelized onions and all of the left over cauliflower making a thick and wholesome stoup. A quick taste test confirms the resulting dish will be rich and satisfying once a bit of salt and a lot of fresh ground pepper has been added.

The wished for storm is a catastrophe of dead leaves and mud as the wind  and rain wreak havoc in the branches of the winter trees before landing on dirt instead of grass, in much part due to the continuing drought. Not that one can think much of the drought today as the water pours down and down and down making my trek to the green waste bin most uninviting and the idea of snuggling in front of a fire most desirable. Maybe later, collecting dry wood is also not high on my agenda for the day. Having already juiced, made soup, and folded the laundry from yesterday I am feeling more like a nap than another task.

I should mention that I am eight weeks out from hand surgery and, well, recovering. A trip to PT Friday was most enlightening as I have been doing my stretching and massaging entirely wrong. I anticipate a quicker recovery now that I have what I hope to be the correct data for such.

Work  goes on, same challenges, more growth. I really don't want to talk about it. I am grateful to have a job, to be able to earn my keep, and I am looking forward to a new roof being installed sometime rather sooner than later; like maybe after this current storm blows through.

Enough. It feels good to type, but empty in a weird sort of way, as though I should be typing something lasting rather than ephemeral.

Time to stir the soup.

ps  The doctor says a year before I should push my hand against a bow. I wish this could be a goal - lose weight, get strong, start hiking, and at the end pick up my bow to shoot. I wish.

Days Eight and Nine of what was supposed to be Fourteen

I'm laughing at myself in a moronic sort of way at how hard I can pretend I will do better the next day, that I've only slipped and not tumbled headfirst down a rocky slope. Maybe that false hope keeps me from sliding all the way to the bottom. Perhaps pretense is a sort of safety line one can cling to and eventually drag oneself back up to whatever plateau it is that we dream of. Such fancy.

But I am ready to let this go, I am ready to close the tracking sheet; it just doesn't work, it never has. Well, not exactly, it did help awaken me to the importance of nutrition and micronutrients rather than dwelling on macronutrients.

A birthday party to prepare for and attend, then two girls to watch while the 'rents attended a wedding, and finally digging a big fat sleeping bag out of the garage to make up a double bed in the living room for an impromptu sleep over. I tracked nothing, ate too much bread for my own good, and ended my day with a mini ice cream bar from the freezer. So Saturday went.

And now it's Sunday, and I began my day with a fried egg on buttered whole wheat toast and mustard. I cannot write YUM in large enough letters to express how this breakfast delights me.

What, after all, is the point of continuing to track? Because I said I was going to write everything down for two weeks? I know from experience that counting calories doesn't work, that my tracking sheets are just part of the endless loop of frustration I have re-entered this year. It's so simple; more greens less bread; more seeds less mayo; more water and no caffeine.
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This morning I finally juiced the pineapple with lots of spinach, and ginger, celery & cucumber. Then another day of rest interspersed with dishes and laundry; limping along my well worn paths between kitchen, bed, and laundry closet. I did go outside once to bring the garbage bins up the driveway but that was it. This cycling between 100's and 80's is confusing to my natural rhythms; I wonder if it's contributing to all of the sleeping. Most likely it's just depression and Joey's upcoming birthday. I hate to think that I am still stuck there, but if that is the case then I need to lighten up and let myself sleep it off. But then come the holiday's, and there is a sweet darling child to celebrate with and there is no place for sadness there. Memories, yes, sadness, no.

I wonder if I will sleep tonight I've had so many naps today.

'Grant me the strength'

Well that was a few days struggling to keep my head above water.

    I ate chocolate at work for the first time all year
    I added white sugar to my coffee one morning
    I gorged on cashews one afternoon

I could go on but it's ugly and I don't want to travel those nine yards ever again. Instead I will just get on with it.

I was browsing through the blogs listed on Sean's site when I caught the subject line, "Throwing in the Towel" and thought, that could be me. Has been me, so many times. But I am not ready to give up. I have a plan, a list of issues I need to address, and I have already checked off one of them. I'm going to keep going until there is no longer a list, and I am going to figure out a way to keep my focus alive while doing it. I am.
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On this night we celebrated R's birthday. I can't begin to explain what this child means to me. She was my first, the child I dreamed of years before she was born, and the beginning of the woman I would become while realizing the responsibility of raising children. I am so grateful she was born to me, that I can see both Joey and their father in her beautiful face as well as the strong woman she has become on her own. As A would say, I love her to the moon and back. I guess most of us feel that way about our children, and just like most parents I think she is the most special of all. My thanks go out to the universe.

Just Tired

I have been overcome by a sense of lethargy that cannot be denied.  The last two days I have risen from dreams, worked my time, and then crashed upon arriving home. At the store I had not been inspired to cook this week and instead of meal planning had picked up a few of Amy's light and lean entrees and that has been my dinner both nights; five minutes in the microwave - too many noodles and not enough veg.- but nice for a change to not have any dishes except for a fork and a cup to wash.

Maybe fighting off a bug, or having an emotional dip in reaction to all of my semi manic food tracking. Who knows. What I do know is that all I can think about while standing here typing is going to bed and calling it a day. I'd better take some extra Immune tonight - that's the ticket. Tomorrow will be better.

A Driving Day

Today we head for home. I have walked around the house picking up the odd bits of stuff we had strewn hither and yon, stripped the beds, washed the beach towels, and packed up both A and my bags. I have had my cuppa decaf, and now I am just waiting for everyone else. It's a lovely cool morning, and this morning bird is enjoying every bit of it. That being said, I will be glad to arrive home later this afternoon knowing I have one more day of vacation before heading back to work; I miss my little dog!
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Home! The dogs were exuberant and greeted us with crying, licking, jumping, the whole shebang. A and I crashed for a bit in front of the tv then we treated her hair with ketchup and foil to remove some of the green from summer pool swimming. Tomorrow she starts the first grade and everything must be perfect! Now she is showered, shampooed and double conditioned, dressed for bed and watching dragons. I am beat.

What a nice trip, and how thankful I am that I have tomorrow off.

A Beach Day

I began my morning by trimming back a wayward tree in the back that was pushing up against the arbor. I filled up the green waste bin while adding water to the pool, and then it was time to get ready for our trip to the beach.

It was another beautiful day in Ventura; basking in the sun and soft ocean breezes, crashing through the waves with A by my side, or our side depending who was in the water with us. Such great exercise, bracing our legs against the power of the ocean, or going in deep enough to swim while the swells push us around, sometimes jumping into the incoming wave and laughing at the salt water going up our noses. So wonderful. I even got to close my eyes and relax for a bit, not worrying about A with other eyes on her as she covered herself with sand, chatting away to the world at large and keeping a smile on my sad old face. Down at the water I noticed that I was not the only grandma there with a grandchild; apparently it is quite the thing to do.

We had deli sandwiches for lunch, and stopped to bring in Mexican food on the way home. (Cheese enchiladas for me!) It was really nice this morning to see a pound gone, a real one this time, the number read from the same scale as the day before. And in a frightening sort of way, good to see 230 again but this time on the way down.

Family is coming over today, and it's time to go help A with her bowl of cheerios and get ready for the day. This visit has flown by exceptionally fast, and we leave for home tomorrow. But first....getting through today.

To the Beach!

I am ordering Deli sandwiches from Sprouts this morning for our picnic at the beach. D is bringing her boogie board and the weather will be a perfect 78. I can almost taste the salt just thinking about it. I added chocolate milk to my decaf this morning, there being no cream, and it just didn't do anything for me. Oh well, it's just a day. It was fun this morning stepping on the scale here and seeing two pounds down; but this scale always weighs lighter than my one at home so I am not surprised. The feeling is a good motivator though, to remember what it feels like to lose weight; it's been so long I think somewhere inside there is a deep seeded belief that it can't be done, and it's that feeling that probably sabotages me more than anything else. I need to be reprogrammed! I am looking forward to the day when I have more interesting things to write about than all of this whining about being fat. It really is tiresome, no?

I would much rather write about the beach, because 'It's going to be a good day!"  First all of the trudging through the soft shifting sand and then getting up and down from the beach, squatting and shifting to build a sand castle, bracing my legs against the pull of the ocean; exercise doesn't get much better than this, although hiking through the forest to shoot my bow comes to mind as soon as I type that. Sigh, one day I will be able to do that again too. I swear. In the meantime, I'll be basking at the beach, in the curve below the seawall below.

This and That

The drive down was nice consisting of light traffic,  a sit down Cobb salad for lunch, and thank heavens for air conditioning. I remember summer trips when the kids were small and driving home at night with the windows down so we wouldn't fry. A quick dip in the pool (97) and then later for dinner a piece of pizza with yummy roasted veggies and a couple of servings of a Cartwheel salad. I did indulge in a drink, diet ginger-ale and tequila, as I needed to relax and, well, visiting here is what it is sometimes.

Today we have errands planned, nothing much, and then to putter in the library and try to organize some of the clutter. It's a lovely room and deserves the attention, but we'll see how much Mom will agree to. I can see that at some point this will turn into a 'caring for an elder parent' rant, but not today. It's funny to think of myself in the middle of the generations we represent. 6 - 35 - 60 - 83. I'm the 60. Just weird, that's all.

As anticipated we have been puttering, me and my poor exhausted mother, but as she says, she wouldn't do anything if not 'bullied', my word not hers. A daughter of the depression, it's hard for her to throw anything away, but with some encouragement we are making progress. It helps her and keeps me moving; we would both rather just sit and watch tv today but we are not doing that.

All in all a quiet day interspersed with errands and sweating. We had left over pizza for a late lunch and salads for dinner. I needed a little more so PB on a graham cracker it was. A last treat was a small glass of chocolate milk for each of us. Now it's Wheel of Fortune and probably an early bed time. I'm not sure how I became such a positive person coming from so much negativity, or maybe that is why. Who knows.

Looking forward to being back at the beach tomorrow, and can hardly wait for that ocean breeze and a visit with my sis.

A quick note

Now that the furniture is back in place it looks pretty darn good around here - well, the front of the house anyway. I can leave to visit Mom with a clear conscious and come home to a clean house.

I am packed and ready to go, still unsure about tracking during my visit, and will probably just journal and then log everything when I get home. Maybe. In any case I am heading out knowing I will make good choices and come home a pound lighter.

That's right.

Rotten Bananas

"Waste not want not!"  I learned this in spades working alongside my mother in law in the restaurant business years ago and I carried the lesson home. But a large banana no matter how close to being over-ripe and needing to be eaten up is too much sugar in the morning. However, my compulsion to eat them before they go bad can be tempered by common sense and I am going to cut the remaining two into halves and freeze them for future smoothies. Here is this morning's breakfast.

I am very peased about the cashew milk. No sugar, a healthy fat, low in calories, and my smoothie is super creamy and satisfying.  I did think about picking up fast food (I had been invited to breakfast with M and A but declined wanting to stay here and putter) but only for a moment. I had already had my decaf - oops, forgot to log my cream this morning; i'll add it now so it's in the daily totals later - and it was already getting warm out; it will be another triple digit day. So a cold smoothie seemed like just the ticket for breakfast, and I am glad I did. I know I burned out on them a few years ago when I was in losing mode, and I will moderate my use this time around in hopes that doesn't happen again. We should chew our food as much as possible, and a smoothie is still 'processed' no matter how healthy the ingredients. I will say it is a great vehicle for a blast of greens in the morning, as are roasted potatoes but that is another breakfast for another day - like next weekend when I am visiting Mom.

Back to sipping and puttering on a quiet Sunday morning.

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What if my perspective is slightly skewed? I know from my favorite critical thinking class in college that we all look at things differently based on our personal experience. What if the trait I think of as obsessive and therefore avoid, is actually focus and I have misused this ability my whole life? What if I let myself go and become 'obsessed'  with my eating for a few weeks? Realizing that perhaps it is just me focusing on something important. Interesting. So in a flash of inspiration I created a summary sheet in my tracking file letting my 'focus' take hold and drive. Below is a sneak preview; i'll just copy and paste the totals from each day's record into the summary and post that each three days. In the meantime if I feel the urge to share something daily I will, and it won't be about me wasting time being obsessive, it will be about spending time to focus on something that really matters to me. Like my weight and how it relates to my health, so I added a weight column. Hey, I am down .2 pounds from the last time I recorded my weight on January 1st. Ha!

I can already see that this will be a good tool for gauging my eating habits from a broader view. Isn't that what the weight loss 'experts' say? To look at a long term graph and not the daily ups and downs? I am already thinking about drilling down this summary sheet (which is set up for three days) to a 30 day sheet and then use that to graph my progress. See how fast it snowballs? But I will think of it as focus and not obsession or compulsion and see where it takes me. So, I have given myself permission to be crazy for a month. "There are worse things I could do." 

Good Grief, it's Eleven O'Clock and I am still in my jammies - better get moving!

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And here is how a few bad decisions can turn a day bad number wise. Eating leftovers and saying yes when asked if I wanted anything from In N Out. Everything was over. Too much. Fattening.

But the  idea of tracking is waking up to how each decision impacts your overall success or failure. I was short a few calories yesterday so that will help, and my summary sheet is formatted to track weekly. I can see how doing this before kept me focused, having to look up everything new to add the sugar grams takes time and some level of dedication. Ugh. There is a voice crying out inside of me that I am above this, that I shouldn't be doing this, that I just need to follow the Fuhrman six week program and not count anything. And then there is the reality of my body and how even knowing that I have not been doing it, and maybe I just need to do this instead for a bit to get headed back in the right direction. Like for a month so I can actually use my summary sheet.

A good day despite a sweet ending

A and I made blueberry pancakes for breakfast, picked up dog messes in the backyard, and then picked up the front of the house. We did the dishes, and had salads for lunch together on the clean dining room table. We ran out to buy a new blanket for one of the puggles, then went to the pool for two hours. Anyone who has been to a pool with an exuberant child knows this was a good workout for me.

Left overs for dinner, lasagna and garlic bread, and then a movie, "Strange Magic", which was cute but predictable. I guess at my age an innovative storyline should be unexpected.

Then M arrived home with chocolate frosty's for us both from Wendy's and there went my sugar for the day. I had been spot on for the day through lunch, even after having a banana for first breakfast, but of course the frosty threw my numbers out the window.  I had been keeping track today, for the first time in quite a bit, and while the calories are good, there is much to be desired for the amount of sugar. Here is the summary section showing the breakdown by meal and daily percentages of macro nutrients. If the sugar had been carbs from whole foods the percentages would have been just where I want them, though the protein is a bit high. Tomorrow will be better, I am making carrot soup from the leavngs of my carrot juice earlier in the week.

Now it's time for PJ's, bed, and some Dr. Who. Kaylee is scratching to be let in after refusing to come when I called her earlier, and as always I will be glad of the company.

Mental games

I don't know if the electric charges they zapped me with during the testing yesterday have instigated today's zings and twinges or if I am just more acutely aware of they symptoms now that I have been diagnosed. But my hands are more tingly than ever and I'm getting little fire trails across the tops of a couple of digits. Fascinatingly weird. And damn the phlebotomist that drew blood a bit ago, I am still getting  pain along the nerve he hit; it's crisp and painful and I am about a day away from complaining to health services. What if this doesn't go away? Because as I like to say, I needed one more thing to complain about!

I'm still doing my finger stretches each day on the steering wheel while commuting, and my toes stretches while sitting watching tv. I've added mornings so the toes are actually getting stretched twice a day now and I think it may be helping the feet pain.

This has been such a long week with R gone. Today I left work exactly on time and arrived in town early enough to come home and take a quick nap before grabbing A, heating up a pre-made lasagna, and vegging out to Star Trek. M is home now and they are chilling together while I type; sending out a prayer to the universe - please give him the insight to see how it matters how he speaks to her and fill his tone with love no matter how tired he may be. I guess that goes for all of us.

So off to the Dr. in the morning to see what they have to say about my hands. I will remember to hear everything with a grain of salt and make no hurried decisions. I love and value my hands, I don't want to jeopardize their future.

"Doing nothing seldom accomplishes anything."

It's a retro morning, my old original Gameboy DS, newly charged, is in the small capable hands of a six year old. She can read the instructions, has figured out all of the buttons, and is zooming through Crash Bandicoot like an old friend. Meanwhile I have spent a productive hour in the kitchen which was begging for attention after being ignored all week. The cleaning part, not the cooking, the cooking part we rocked. But sloth is one of the deadly sins, and while I don't think of dirty dishes as deadly, they are certainly a mood damper and must go.

Another beachy morning with clouds holding in the humidity and the promise of a warm beautiful day ahead. Apple pie for breakfast notwithstanding I have healthy intentions for the day. I will move, eat greens, and maybe juice some carrots. No more sugar, my daily allotment is more than gone with breakfast (at least it was a real pie from Sprouts without artificial ingredients) at about 5 tsp in my slice. But at least I am aware of what I have eaten and will take it into consideration when making decisions the rest of the day. Really...or I suppose I should say Hopefully.

Now A is on to Zelda, probably my first real personal digital addiction. I had maps, I had notes, I had hours and hours of mindless (well not quite) diversion and fun and a false sense of accomplishment. Okay, not so false, and not so mindless, but I would definitely disappear into the game just as I would a book. A living story if you will. Just hearing the theme music in the background makes me feel happy. Time to dress and work and take ibuprofen!
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The idea of leftover spaghetti for lunch and having filled 3/4 of the green waste bin I am ready for a hydration break. An episode of Dark Matter is calling my name and the act of eating and watching tv remains a horribly bad habit. Eating and listening to a book is never enough, I have to be engaged three ways for it to work; eating, listening and driving or eating and watching tv (ears engaged) are the usual ways for me to take meals. Of course given a choice eating dinner at the table with the family is preferred but not often in the offering. Lately it's me and A in front of the tv for dinner, and while I know I am teaching her a bad habit, not even for her can I seem to stop. Not to say I'm a bad grama - I don't load her full of sugar and then get mad at her for acting out like some may do with their grandchildren.  We're all graded on someone else's scale, either in our mind or at the pearly gates, no?

And watch god laugh

I slept hard, waking later than usual, and after quickly throwing myself together and taking care of my morning chores (yes, the dogs need their breakfast too) I headed out to drive through for coffee and a biscuit. My first sip of coffee slammed into my senses, all of a sudden taste and smell shifting into high alert. SWEET! OMG, they had given me someone elses order and there was sugar in my coffee. A lot of sugar, best guess is between 6-10 shots from their dispenser, and I froze with cup in hand as I waited for the traffic light to turn green. There was no impulse to throw the coffee out the window, just a wondering about how sweet the coffee was. A second sip and I was hooked, and I must say the guilt was minimal at best.

Arriving at work I was..hyped up? Scattered? Unfocused? Flying might be a good description, without a destination in mind I might add. I have just caught myself sitting here sorting through my options on what to begin working on when I realized I was flitting from one project to another in my mind without my body settling anywhere to actually begin working. This sucks. And I am suddenly afraid of the crash that will surely be coming. Wondering how long that may be my interest is suddenly not in doing the work I am getting paid to do but rather on documenting my sugar high. Well, this is productive!

Back to work. Effing sugar. So this is how the universe repays my rant from yesterday, "make plans and watch god laugh."

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After work I picked up A and we went grocery shopping together, then headed home to make dinner together. I love working in the kitchen with her, my little helper. I think R has signed her up for cooking classes, and I'll be leaving work early to take her come the Fall.

I never did have the crash I was expecting this afternoon, but I had two pieces of fruit at work, probably defraying the expected damage. Now it's definitely time to hit the sheets.

That sugar film

Unable to sleep last night I ordered a movie on demand and for $8, about the cost of a fast food dinner that I rarely indulge in anymore, I was reminded about why I no longer add sugar to anything and avoid processed foods. The information gleaned from That Sugar Film was not new, but presented in a way I hadn't considered before. Showing the effects in our body of how excess sugar contributes to a fatty liver, triglycerides in our blood stream, and a foggy brain was just the scientific data that I needed last night. It would have been nice to have seen it before I indulged in a lemon yogurt that has 7.5 tsp of sugar. It's no wonder I love this treat that tastes like lemon meringue pie. As an aside, the new guidelines for a woman in the US is six tsp of sugar daily to maintain health. Look at these ingredients, sugar in the fruit puree as well as a stand alone ingredient plus honey. Whew.

Especially pertinent to me in the file was the data on fruit juice, and of course I thought about using fruit in my juicing, and why the ratio of veggie's to fruit is so vital. No more Sunday morning rainbow juices of oranges and apples except on very special occasions. It's a liver killer. I vow to myself here and now that the fruit will always be used sparingly as an accent to the veggies that predominate my juices. I mean, I do know that food in it's natural state is always a better choice, but somewhere along the line (think fat sick and nearly dead) I started thinking of juicing as a way out of my own personal hell. And I am sure that those who can abstain from all other choices and only intake juice for six weeks or more would benefit from all the streamlined nutrition. But I don't think I am (and therefore am not) one of those people. Not right now anyway. And while I do need the nutritional blast I enjoy from juicing while I am in this cooking slump, eventually I need to use it as mostly a vegetable supplement and occasional treat that I mix into a life of whole foods.

This film reminds me of how important it is for me to look outside myself for nutritional support from those I admire and look to for guidance. The three years I spent eating for nutrition I would google something everyday, or read from a Fuhrman book, or use a favorite McDougal recipe. This was my way of creating a supportive atmosphere in a hostile environment, and I need to get back to that survival practice.

I don't expect tonight meeting to deal with nutrition, but hopefully it will be support for my addictive nature. Attack on two fronts - it seems logical, and I seem ready.
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No, no and no. I may be ready for something to change, but it is NOT going to be attending OA meetings. I left so depressed by all the negative vibes, but on my way out I also knew that my path forward would have to include laughter and camaraderie, not phone calls to let a sponsor know I had or hadn't eaten something. So at least I learned something. Not to disparage anyone who chooses this path, but I knew within five minutes I was in the wrong room. Rather than feeling a connection it was more like I was planning my escape from the moment I walked in. I stayed for the hour, took my turn reading, and listened thoughtfully trying to find some morsel of hope or inspiration. There was none, not felt by me anyway, just painful memories of Al Anon meetings rising up to haunt me from my past. Visions of empty vodka bottles stacked under the bed are a memory I could live without - at least they weren't under my bed, but in another bedroom of the house we were sharing with outlaws.  Those days are reserved for an especially psychotic section of my imaginary scrap book - I so loved taking care of the two little girls while at the same time dealing with the three adult addicts in the house. Four if you count me - I wasn't long in that atmosphere before I was doing shots of gin before noon and sewing with large glasses of red wine as my companion in the evenings. But I wasn't drunk, just stressed out and coping. How I digress!

So back to the present (okay, I typed future and then replaced it with present) and the current challenges. The sugar film really opened my eyes to the fact that sugary food really does have the same impact on our brain chemistry as love - so how does one get around that? I'll tell you how - greens and omega 3's. The challenge for me is to get started, which is why I went searching for support. But it looks like I need to ..excuse the phrase.. just do it.

Monday Monday....

I loved the Mamas & the Papas when I was a little girl. Visiting my Aunt Beth who lived next door I was enchanted by her records, and loved any excuse to spend time with her. For some reason listening to this particular album with her carved a lasting memory into my brain and to this day I love the songs.(Monday Monday: listen here). I also think about spending a seventh of our lives on Monday and usually resist the urge to contribute any additional stress or moodiness to the day. Today's strategy was  working through lunch and heading home early; the traffic was still tiresome but the cool breeze that awaited me at home was lovely and brushed aside the slight irritation of the commute.

Now it's almost eight and I am berating myself for not making it out back to do some more work; there is some more deadwood from the tree to fit into the greenwaste bin. The reality is that I obviously needed a day to recoup after working hard yesterday. Most daily chores I can moderate my work, but outside I forget I need to do that and just go for it. My Bad.

I am so grateful for the cool air coming in through my bedroom window, for the sounds of a disney movie drifting back from the living room where A is watching while her Mom (I am guessing) is browsing away on her phone while keeping her company. A quiet domestic evening - a simple pleasure but the kind I especially love being of a mostly quiet nature.

I had yesterday's leftover juice today, and there is a bottle left for tomorrow. I'm thinking carrot juice  on Wednesday for the next base as I picked up a huge bag of organic juicing carrots not long ago and want to use them while they are fresh. I'm thinking spinach, apples and ginger will be wonderful additions. Just keep it simple and use up what I have.

As I have noted before I recently discovered and became hooked on Mike & Molly. On a whim I searched locally for an OA meeting and found one not too far away; it's tomorrow evening at seven and if I remember I am going to drive over just to give it a once over. If there is anyone or anything I connect with, even just an inkling, I will give it a try. Years and years ago I searched and the one meeting listed at that time had been closed down, but this looks active and has a posted topic so I am a little hopeful. Some support in a social setting would be nice without having a specific eating program attached to it. And now I am shushing the bratty little voice in my head suggesting I am above this sort of thing - because obviously I am not.

Time to find something to fill an hour so I am not in bed too early; I want to sleep well and dream sweet.

Pineapple Grapefruit Juice

Yesterday was a typical reboot day; laundry, dishes, picking up, too much tv in between loads. Today I filled up the green waste bin again after chainsawing off a couple of more limbs, this time from the privet tree at the back of the yard.

Juice today was spinach, pineapple, grapefruit, ginger, lemon, sweet potato, carrot & cucumber. The grapefruit is dominant, with a slightly sweet back taming all the citrus. The kind of juice you think, oh, too tangy, but then can't help going back for sip after sip until your bottle is gone.

Breakfast was homemade wild blueberry pancakes by R and lunch was a banana with peanut butter. I want to get cleaned up and have something nice for dinner but I suspect I will be too tired for the 2nd part after accomplishing the 1st objective. Showers are tiring, especially after sweating away in the back yard.

Looks like it will be back down in the 80's for the week, so hopefully I will get some more work done out back. That's my goal, to keep chipping away at it until I actually want to be out there. To have my morning coffee on weekends and a drink come friday prevening. It's a shame I have let it go so long, but it is what it is and I'm making progress. Of course I will do practically anything in lieu of cleaning the bathroom.

Speaking of which, it's time to go wash all these tiny flowers and sawdust out of my hair.