BLE and the Baking Debrief

 Waking up knowing  you've had a bright day, and that your food is planned to have another one, gives a sense of solidarity of purpose, a confidence that one day I will be in my bright body.

Yesterday went swimmingly. I did no baking, but kept the dishes caught up between batches, and perched on the corner of the living room couch (a usual place, not a pre-meditated one) in case there was anything I could do to help. But they had everything handled, and aside from one scraping of hot caramel while R held the bowl there wasn't really anything for me to do. Which was good, because shopping is still rather exhausting.

The win for the day was the calm I experienced. Not feeling like I should be helping more, no food chatter in my brain about what I would or would not eat of the many treats on the list. Just calm. And gratitude, so grateful to feel a part of the chaos.  The need to control anything that happens in this house has been fading since the decision to move South. I really feel it is their home now, and my sense of ownership is just a small piece of bedrock in the back of my mind.

When my BLE brain in onboard, it's an easy thing. I don't feel the energy of my food controller, telling me what I won't do, and I hear nothing from my indulger, their constant whispering about what I will do simply silenced. I just felt like my own true self; enjoying family, the cozy home we share, and the banter amongst us a great comfort. I will miss these things when I go, and it will be up to me to create that atmosphere with Mom.

Pozole. The instant pot soup I made yesterday wasn't really Pozole, it was more just pork soup with hominy. Next time I will make it the day before so I can remove some of the fat from the broth, but it was delicious. and before I measure out today's lunch from the leftovers I will remove what fat I can. 

Recipe: Sauté in the instant pot on medium three small yellow onions and one large Pasillo pepper in a small amount of avocado oil until the onion is translucent. Add one quart of chicken stock and scrap up any brown bits, then sprinkle dried oregano across the broth in one light layer. (No, I didn't measure.) Stir and keep on sauté while cutting up the boneless pork shoulder. It was a large roast, and I trimmed off the thick cap of fat before cutting it into about eight large chunks. Add carefully to onion mixture, seal lid of instant pot, and set for 90 minutes (or 1:30).  Natural release for 30 minutes before releasing the pressure.

Open the pot and remove the tender meat, setting aside into a casserole dish to keep warm. Add 2 large cans of hominy to the pot, some chili powder and cumin then give a nice stir. Start adding back the meat to the pot, removing the most obvious chunks of fat that have separated from the meat. Another gentle stir, reseal the lid, and set to warm.

This was easy to pull out and measure first the meat, and then the hominy, and finally the broth. The last 2 ounces of veg was fresh green cabbage sliced up on top. The kids ate theirs later with servings of the white Jasmine rice I had made.  The soup was so good, but next time I want to make a real Pozole with chilies. Today I'll make Spanish rice with those leftovers and pack it up with spicy refried beans for some instant breakfasts.

It's so lovely to be in a positive mood, to know my bright breakfast is just minutes away, and to admire the grey morning outside my window; the neighborhood decorated with frost on the rooftops and lawns all the way down the block and onto the wild expanse of weeds and bare-branched trees that was once a golf course. Thank heavens for our small cozy home.

BLE and Christmas Baking

 This morning I am up and dressed and ready to go shopping. The family has chosen four recipes to make today to fill the plates, bags, or tins that we will fill to give out to friends and neighbors and I have volunteered to go pick up ingredients. I have very mixed feelings about this, and part of me wants to just drive away and not have anything to do with it.

    Why put temptation in front of myself?
    Why give treats that are potentially poisonous to a friend of neighbor?
    Why model behavior to my family that no longer feels appropriate?

All good questions that have been asked a multitude of times in the BLE FB group. And I know that the right thing to do would be to suggest a different way to celebrate. Make gifts that aren't edible? Have small parties where we play games and have fun sparkly drinks that don't involve sugar? Make a hiking date with a photo competition?  I would love any of these; well not so much the hiking right now with my health. But if I can so clearly see a different path, why can I not even suggest taking it?

Because my grandson is excited about the baking, because my daughter has a list of friends and family they want to bake for as a way to celebrate. Because my desire to belong to the pack is so much stronger than my will to take care of myself and ultimately them and the friends and family with which they wish to celebrate.

I'm re-listening to Rezoom by SPT, and this scenario fits so many of the criteria on why food is an addiction. We have the social cues, those of the season, and the pressures of tradition. To bake something out of love and share it to celebrate with friends and family didn't use to be so controversial. But there is no comparing today with how we celebrated 50 or 100 years ago. The 'food' environment has changed so drastically, and that is not something I wish to entrench myself in today.

God, I have become so cynical.

There is a part of me that wants to help today, to decorate, to laugh with my family and create something out of love. And deep down my own true self says this is not a bad thing. I think it is my food controller that is scared of where this might lead, and my indulger who is excited about the prospect. And I am the one who needs to 'drive this bus', not them. It's up to  me to experience the joy and celebration without letting it devolve into sneaking treats in the middle of the night. Thank heavens most of it will be packed up for gifts.

I think that maybe next year I can suggest an alternative plan earlier on, and then I remember I won't be here next year. I will be down South with my Mother. And my brain says this is the real reason to bake today, because it will probably be the last time, and all of a sudden I am sad and needing to go put my shoes on and get busy.

I will enjoy today for all it means to be together, not for what may or may not be eaten at the end of it. This I can promise myself.

Christmas memory

 In the photograph I am sitting in front of our Christmas tree, wearing a beautiful white dress and holding my brand new Barbie. I am the middle child, my little sister on my left similarly attired and our older brother sits to my right. It's a Norman Rockwell moment, and it's not surprising that it was captured on film. My grandfather was an amazing photographer and there are many such memories in the albums at my mother's house. This one is held in my memories, clear as can be, and cherished for it's innocence. Love, family, Christmas, what more could one want? I must have been around 7 years old, and I convince myself that I am not just remembering the picture, but the actual moment it was taken. So secure with my place in the world, and unaware of the darkness that was on the horizon.

I sat down this morning prompted to write by the little Christmas tree that sits by my desk.  Maybe 8" high and mounted in a small burlap sack it is about as far as you can get from a real tree. Yet it invokes in me the feeling of Christmas, and I am grateful for this much needed season of good will, and joy. I have been very fortunate in the past couple of months to have a safe, warm, home to recover in, and a loving daughter to care for me. And each day I feel stronger and better prepared to face the world. Well, not the big one, but the small one I have created for myself.

I'm not sure where I am going with this, or why I am remembering that moment from my childhood, but I am inspired to take a picture of my grandchildren in front of the tree that is currently glowing merry and bright in the living room.

'Tis the Season. May we only remember what is good, and celebrate the wonderfulness of the here and now.

BLE: parts work during the holidays

 This morning another Bright Lifer posted a memory from her FB feed that really struck home for me. It was a Drew Carey quote,  "Eating crappy food isn't a reward -- it's a punishment." And while this has been said many ways in slightly different forms by many others, for some reason these particular words were like an arrow to my heart.

Because I do think that part of my eating is punishing myself, keeping myself from being happy. Because I do feel that I have done horrible things, and often at the end of the countless discussions I've had with myself about whether or not to eat something, the bottom line is that it doesn't matter because really I don't care about life anymore.  Or that I don't deserve to be anything other than what I have become. That I am the result of my past actions.

I took a hard look at myself this morning and am proud to say I don't believe that anymore. If I have self inflicted blame for the parts of my life I am ashamed of, haven't I paid enough already? Isn't it about time I let myself out of jail? 

So I will use that question today if faced with a food decision, 'Why do I want to punish myself?" I have known my whole life that I am a 'good' person at heart, at my very core, and that the times I fell short would easily be explained away by others as me just being being human. Or some such rationale. The latest shortcoming revolves around the death of my son. That I didn't model a better example, that I wasn't there for him while he was struggling in school. That I divorced his father. Just writing these things makes me so sad, and tearful, and full of regret. But it will have been 17 years this coming February, and living a small sad life in no way serves his memory. I know that.

The great thing about parts work is that I can now feel these feelings, and let them wash over me, consume me even, and know that it's temporary. And that once they are gone I will still be here, and that I will not be destroyed.  It's sort of like the 'Litany against fear' in the Dune saga, but I can substitute Grief for Fear.  " And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see it's path. Where the grief has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."  But more than that, hopefully I can reach the part of me that has remained moored in the grief, and give her some love and compassion. Maybe even do some healing.

This morning I have hope for a great holiday season. For maybe even some golden sunset years if I can keep doing the work.

BLE: Easter thoughts

The fridge is packed with food for tomorrow, and for the first time in  my life Easter dinner will not include brown bread.  And there will be a pork roast instead of a ham. And no coleslaw. Am i okay with this? Yes. We are adding lots of veggies to the pan to roast along with the pork, and I've eaten enough brown bread to last me a lifetime. I can visualize the bite of ham, coleslaw, and brown bread so perfectly that I can actually taste it.  It's enough, and tomorrow we will be Bright for all three meals.

Of course it is a little disconcerting to see the package of cinnamon rolls in the fridge, ready to bake of in the morning for the family. And to know R is baking some banana bread tonight for her honey to use up the brown bananas. "You're killing me smalls!", I toss out at her as I leave the room to come and write. But it's all good. We are so used to having NMF (not my food) lying about, rejects from trying to tempt Cal to eat, that these planned treats are just a couple more in the long litany of items that shall not be eaten.

I'm looking forward to the usual holiday tasks; buying flowers, making the house look nice, hiding eggs for when the family returns home from Church. Bless R for taking the kids down to meet M at the church. How differently we will all celebrate tomorrow, but even in our differences, it's just all about the love.

What a beautiful prevening it is outside my window. Lawns fresh with new growth spreading down the street to join the golf course, white and grey clouds streaking across a blue spring sky, and a cool wind tossing the leaves about on trees, making them look as though they had something important to share.

I am grateful this evening to be colouring eggs with my daughter, and hopeful that A will join us. Searching back for Easter it almost hurts to realize how much time we once spent together, but then I take a moment to remember to be grateful that we had that time together. I know we will be close again one day, but I am sure that 12 is as trying these days for her as when it was my turn to be filled with the angst and frustration of being a pre-teen. You know, back when I knew everything. So I give her space so she can take her turn at this pivotal point in her life.  But I want her back, and practice patience and love at every turn in anticipation of that day.

Time to go draw with black wax on eggs and make a mess of what should be a beautiful art project.

A Walk, Some Gratitude, and Christmas PJs

Today C and I took a walk in the cold while his parents wrapped presents. The wind would push him away from me and he would cry, "I'm blowing away Grama, save me!" And I would. Taking his little hand in mine we would fight our way back to the path leading to the slide. Once there he was already tired, and suggested we better head home to play in the driveway. I willingly acquiesced,  my hip and knee not being a willing partner to the day's outing. On the way home I just kept telling myself, this is why you have to keep losing weight. This little walk is nothing and it's almost undoable, I have to do better; be better.

I am just back from dicing up dates to soak overnight in a cup of milk. We are making Mexican chocolate from scratch as part of our Bright Line Christmas breakfast, and I am counting on the dates to sweeten the milk enough. We add dates while cooking oatmeal as part of our fruit serving, and this is no different. Go ahead, google the nutrition of dates and you get everything from colon to brain health. A win win from top to bottom - literally.

It's a little bit quiet for Christmas Eve. Eventually we will all put on our matching pajamas and head out in the car to see some light displays; I hear there are some wonderful ones out there this year. Then it's home to tidy up before bed so we wake up to a cozy Christmas morning. I'm feeling under prepared, and the stockings may be a little lighter than usual. That tells me how much impulse buying I normally do this time of  year, and that online shopping isn't my cup of tea. 

I hope the local shops and restaurants survive. I hope the vaccine works, I hope the American people listen to their new president and we can stem the advance of Covid19 that is devastating so many families this holiday season. And I can't help but take a moment to give thanks for our continued vigilance and health. Because we do wear masks, and sanitize our hands, and stay at home except for the weekly trip for groceries. We are so fortunate in many ways; working remotely, having groceries delivered, or placing orders for a 'contactless' pick up.

I spent some time this afternoon browsing the official Facebook page for Bright Line Eating. There are so many inspirational stories, and I was surprised by how many times eating at 3am was mentioned. I am taking comfort and support from those posts, and will not be eating tonight. After five Bright Nights I have slipped the past two, and it just makes me sad. I don't want to be sad Christmas morning, so no snacking tonight. Period. I want another five Bright nights!

Time for plaid PJs I'm told, and I'm ready to join in the fun.

Happy Christmas Eve 💙

Bright Line Eating & Hallmark Movies

I realized as I watched my umpteenth Christmas movie of the season that it is the trappings of the holiday that keep me so enamored even if the plot lines usually let me down. Watching actors going about the rituals of  celebrating with large family dinners, building gingerbread houses, and baking cookies just warms the cockles of my heart. For the 2nd Christmas in a row I am questioning the whys of how strongly linked food is to Christmas. For thousands of years food has been a way to show another that you care. You have taken time from your day to shop, follow a recipe, prepare, and pack up an assortment of goodies to present to someone you love, or at least to someone you care about in some fashion; a neighbor, a friend, a family member.

It feels like not eating sugar & flour has put a bit of a damper on celebrating in traditional ways, as it should, because it has. I'm not upset about it, and I really enjoyed baking cookies to give away the other day. But not participating in the eating part made me feel a little dismal, like a small portion of the joy has been stripped away. The word on the BLE street is that celebrating the holidays is about so much more than the food; there are people to connect with, and traditions that have nothing to do with the kitchen - unless that is where you happen to hang your mistletoe. But still, I miss the goodies. I miss the feeling that it's okay to overindulge a little because it's a holiday. I miss the holiday cheer that food brings.

So I live that part of my life in Hallmark movies; enjoying every cookie that is eaten, every cup of cocoa or eggnog that they pretend to sip, and every bit of yule log consumed. It doesn't seem to bother me much, I seem to be enjoying these activities with the same passivity as watching them build snow forts, cutting down trees, and strolling through Christmas bazars - other traditions that I won't be participating in this year, or probably any other. I suppose that means no harm, no foul, to my healing brain. But it still rankles that I have lost traditions that were once so central to our celebrations. Instead of cinnamon rolls for breakfast some of us will be having Bright cups of Mexican chocolate. We'll be having appies for lunch as we did at Thanksgiving - there are yummy cheeses in the fridge to go with our cut up veggies and fruit, instead of consuming large bowls of guacamole and onion dip. And no box of Sees candy to pass around. Dad worked for them for probably 30 years, and while I did have a piece last Christmas, it won't be happening this time around. I'm not obsessing over it, and I'm not at work where the box would normally show up as a present from a vendor, so I feel safe against that temptation.

Dinner is already a Bright meal; roast beast, twice baked potatoes, brussels sprouts, carrots. Admittedly there will be a little extra fat in there, but I will weigh my meal as usual, ignoring that small deviation, and accept that this one meal of the day is for maintenance (body & soul) instead of weight loss.

I'm heading into the holiday coloured with the usual sad. Joey won't be here to eat more twice baked potatoes than should be humanly possible.  Jim didn't survive to enjoy his grandchildren as I do. And so many loved ones that have gone before and leave spaces in my heart that can't seem to be filled. I'm ever so grateful for my little family, for the hugs I get and give, and for our health at this perilous time in our lives. I know these blessings are probably all the sweeter because of the bitter losses we have endured, and I know we are not alone - many struggle at this time of year and my heart goes out to them all.

Missing out on a little food just doesn't seem so important all of a sudden.

I wonder what Hallmark movie I have set to record for this evening.

Today's Food:

B: Oatmeal w\ flax meal, pecans & cream cheese, canned pears and fresh cherries

L: Leftover pork roast and veggies from last night, oranges and pomegranate seeds

D: Veggie stoup with blackeyes peas, pepperoni & cream cheese

Christmas décor and lots of Turkey

It's been a productive day, with tubs and trunks of Christmas coming in from the garage and their contents taking up residence for a month or so. The tree is stunning, with an elevated train half way up the trunk, and taller than any tree before in this house. Maybe surprising given the vaulted ceiling in the living room, but not so surprising given the finances of the past 35 years or so. It's a long time to basically live paycheck to paycheck, but I will not be whining just now.

We unpacked the dozen or so buildings in the Dickens Village and  have decorated the mantle, the shelf above the TV, and the buffet, adding lots of trees, pinecones, and an assortment of characters and animals. It's all very fun, if exhausting, and tomorrow the paper trees go up to make our annual Christmas tree forest.

We didn't manage to get the outside lights up as so many others did in the neighborhood, but it felt more important to get the inside done first this year.

Today's Food:

B: Oatmeal, blueberries, peanut butter

L: Turkey sandwich on Ezekiel bread, coleslaw

D: Vegetable Turkey soup, apple

Tomorrow's Food:

B: Oatmeal, blueberries, cream cheese

L: Vegetable (10oz) Turkey soup, apple

D: Sausage, beans, stewed tomatoes & spinach (10oz)

I'm thankful tonight that there is no pie in the house to tempt me, and that the fridge is in the garage so I don't have access to leftovers. That being said, I am hoping the repairman is coming tomorrow to fix the fridge. I'm looking forward to having room to do some batch cooking and having meals packed up in the fridge again.

Lord but I am tired.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I came in to write about the wonderful turkey soup I just had for dinner. R made stock yesterday, and today we made soup. Using the last of the compound butter that was full of sage, rosemary & thyme, we sautéed the last of the box of prepped celery & onions, also infused with herbs. (You know the boxes they sell at the grocery store this time of year - best 'fast food' item ever.) We let them caramelize slowly over a low heat for about half an hour, then added the bowl of stock and scraped up any bits from the bottom of the pan. Next in went peas & corn from the freezer, freshly chopped carrots and cauliflower, some mushroom mix, and freshly ground pepper. It simmered for about half an hour after coming to the boil, and while that was going on I prepped the turkey meat, saving bones for another round of stock, chopping a blend of light and dark meat, and packing up a container of sliced breast for sandwiches.

Once the soup was done it was easy to weigh out my four ounces of turkey into a bowl, then use a slotted spoon to weigh out my six ounces of veggies. A few ladles of broth and I was ready to eat. Oh, and salt, it needed salt. Half way though my bowl I added in another six ounces of veggies instead of having a salad. That was my bad, it should have been eight ounces, but I'm way full and it was plenty of food. The best part is that there will be enough left over for lunch tomorrow. 

Tonight R is cooking a batch of rice for the family to add to their soup. Well, maybe not for C, he had a bit of an upset tummy after pounding down a bunch of pizza, a glass of milk, some scrambled egg, most of a tangerine, some apple juice...it was not pretty. Steroids week is always a little challenging. Let's just say there is laundry to do before R can make up their bed again, as that is where he was resting when he lost his lunch.

We also put up the tree today, and a beautiful one it is. We decided to go tall and skinny for a change, and it's so fun to fit more of our ornaments on it, and it feels wonderfully Christmassy in the living room now.

And now for the Ugly. R had sent me pics of her baby shower from March of 2017, thinking I might want to use one for my before picture. ARGHHHHHHHH!!! OMG, I had no idea. I mean, I knew I was fat, am still fat, but to see the pictures is rather disturbing. I'm 30 pounds or so lighter now, and I know I am not that person anymore, but holy cow.  I'll have to take a current picture so I can participate in a Face to Face Friday on the BLE official website. It's always inspirational to see before and after pictures, and I would like to participate so others can share in my success so far. I may get brave and even post it here. Maybe.

And I must say, that staying Bright right now, and knowing I am making progress, makes seeing those pictures a lot easier. I think I would drop into, 'the depths of despair' as Anne Shirley would say if I was still that heavy when seeing the pictures.

One more item on my mind. My Mastermind Group this morning. I helped facilitate an IFS session for a team member, and I am hoping I didn't flub it too badly. There is definitely a learning curve, but we seemed to make some progress in the form of her meeting one of her protectors. We learn so much from each other, having been brought to this place of food addiction by many of the same roads travelled. 

I'm still is a place of calm today, and happy with my food and activity. I'm trying to decide if I want to watch any of the Tyson fight - I don't think so. I have lots to keep me busy in my room this evening, and I really don't think I need to be subjected to the violence. Instead I'll take care of the task at hand, sorting through all of the paperwork and odds and ends that I cleaned out of my desk that was in the garage.

I'm counting this as another good day.

A Bright Line Turkey Day!

Last night I prepped the yam pudding, so this morning I just had to jet out to the garage to get the ceramic bowls of pudding to put in the oven. An hour later we had our 'pumpkin pie' for breakfast. 

The 24lb turkey has been washed and is air drying on a rack waiting to be stuffed with herbs and have a compound butter smooshed under it's skin. We haven't cooked a bird this large in more years than I can remember, but 'all donations are welcome!'

I cooked up cranberries this morning with a small yellow apple, 2 figs, & half a 'cutie' tangerine. Once blended it was still too tart, so I added some raw sugar. OMG, SUGAR! But only a little, and definitely fifth on the list of ingredients. Now cooling in the fridge it will jelly by dinner. This will be our fruit saved from breakfast so we can have it with the turkey at dinner.

So a productive morning on the way to a Bright Thanksgiving 💛

We had appetizers for lunch, sort of. Deviled egg, port wine cheese, an assortment of veggies and an apple. Then it was on to a Dinner of a Thousand Steps. I think I mentioned that the fridge broke and that we carted all of the food to a new fridge in the garage. So today it was back and forth, back and forth, between the kitchen and garage while we prepped for dinner.

Dinner was wonderful. We made corn bread dressing for the family, as well as a small yam casserole, and for us we made the veggie stuffing mix posted on the Bright Line resources board. There was a pot of mashed potatoes, and rich yummy homemade gravy using tapioca starch, and the bird was tasty. R and I weighed out our veggies and meat, then added cranberry sauce and gravy to taste. Everything was wonderful.

Then it was another dozen trips putting everything away in the garage. I packed up six Bright Line meals, and there is a lot of turkey left over for meal planning. Soup for sure is on my list, I'm really looking forward to that.

M had picked up pumpkin pie for their dessert, but having had our yam pudding for breakfast I am not a bit sad to skip that. I can feel my stomach is full, and really I don't feel like eating anything more today. In the past, we've all had sandwiches before bedtime having had dinner at around 4pm, but we ate at about six tonight, and there will be no leftovers until tomorrow.

Really it has been just another day of being thankful for all I have, except with gravy.

Winter clothes that fit!

Two Summers ago we were planning on my daughter's MIL moving in with us, so we had a big purging of the garage, a big sale, and a reorganizing of everything that was left. During this time I also had to move out of my room so the MIL could move in, and I packed up all of my winter clothes to store until the ADU was ready for me - just a garage conversion but that was the plan. As a stop gap measure we moved A's bed in with her parents and I slept in her bed. But then the MIL ended up in hospital just a week after we moved her in, followed by residence at an extended care facility, it soon became apparent that she wouldn't be moving back in, ever. She needed too much supervision and wasn't to be left alone. At the time we were all off working during the day, and couldn't make it work. So no garage conversion, and we moved her things out and mine back in.  But not the tubs of winter clothes; they were forgotten in the transition.

Today R and I worked in the garage pulling out the big items we needed to get rid of so that we could make an office space for her husband M. With the Covid directives back at purple, his company is mandating working remotely and this was the best solution given our current use of the house. In all of the shuffling we made a stack of items to sell\donate. A stack for A to go through from when they re-did her bedroom last Summer, organizing it to share with her brother. And a stack of tubs for me to go through of old clothes. Three tubs to be exact, and one of them was full of winter tops and some jeans. I have a load in the laundry full of tops that were once too small but will fit me now, and a few pair of jeans to try on when I am not so achy from the day's work. The timing is perfect given how cold it has been. Oh, and some cozy winter PJs too.

It's actually happening, I am fitting into clothes that I saved for when I lost weight. And I am recycling some of the clothes because they are too big! It's so crazy that I ever had to buy size 20 jeans, and it feels so great to get rid of them. Another of the tubs I went through was full of Summer clothes that have been too small for a while, and it's fun to think of going through that tub as the weather warms next year and I get to see what will fit.

Just another bit of motivation to stay on track this holiday season and not make exceptions to our Bright Line Eating. Speaking of which, we were just discussing the Thanksgiving Day menu; what we would have for our three meals, and what we would make in addition to satisfy the family. I'm feeling really good about not doing this alone, and having R to support me. She is so much better at this than I am, and I am so thankful. We'll make yam pudding for breakfast, which is just as tasty as pumpkin pie. We'll have appetizers for lunch; veggie tray, pimento cheese, sliced fruit & deviled eggs, then turkey, mashed potatoes & gravy, and a roasted autumn casserole for dinner. YUM.

I'll probably pick up some flour-free sprouted bread so we can have left over sandwiches one day; two pieces of bread at one meal moves it from weight loss to maintenance, but so worth it to satisfy the leftover turkey sandwich itch. I almost forgot, we are cooking our own cranberries with dates to have with dinner. Then days of leftover turkey bowls. We were gifted a 24lb turkey from M's work, so we will plan on freezing some for later use in soups etc. How silly to be so excited about left over turkey!!

Time to go handle the laundry, which is rather exciting for a change!

Another Bright Night

1:15pm  I am hungry today. I think two nights of no snacking has left me calorie depleted. While my midnight snacks were not usually significant, eating this close to maintenance doesn't leave much wiggle room. But it's okay to feel hungry, and I know I will adjust to the lower calories in a few days.

I baked my eggs, rice & cheese dish earlier today, and have three breakfasts ready to warm up in the microwave heading into the weekend. I'm excited to eat them; I used R's pickled red peppers instead of green chilis so I expect they will be a little spicier than usual. Yum.

And C is asking for nuggets from McDonalds - so I am off.

---------------

7:51pm  Done with work for the day, well, as much as I can make myself do. Sometimes the temptation to knock off early is irresistible; perks of not really being accountable to anyone but myself at the moment. And if I feel guilty enough, I'll make up my time this weekend when I'm not as tired.

It's been a few hours since dinner, and I'm not as hungry as I was earlier. I've adjusted pretty well over the past year to the fasting time between dinner and bed. What at first seemed a crazy long stretch to not eat, now feels natural. And I love going to bed knowing I will be healing overnight. Assuming I don't snack in the middling hours. Which I won't tonight. I am filling my brain with thoughts of 'just going back to bed', as I did last night and the night before. It feels like progress, and like a great start to the holiday season.

Speaking of which, I ordered an elevated train online today for the Christmas Tree. This will be a first, but we wanted a train, and there's not much spare acreage in the house, so this is the compromise. Of course I wasn't thinking about the fact that there is a little boy in the house who will want to actively play with it. I am not very bright sometimes.

Tomorrow's Food:

B:  Cheesy rice & egg, banana\grapes 

L:  Tofu, roasted veggies, apple

D:  Steak, stir fry veggies, green salad

Tomorrow I'll cook a batch of lentil soup, but haven't really made plans beyond that. R and I need to chat this evening about our Thanksgiving day menu and shopping list, but it's pretty basic and we both plan to stay Bright over the holidays. M purchased some home made cookies from a co-worker whose daughter was selling them, and there is a beautiful little white box in the kitchen right now. They will take the box to bed with them - they understand how tempting they will be to me later.

Off to make tea and chat with the daughter.

Christmas in the 60's

Best childhood Christmas Memories: Picking out our tree from the LA train station - fresh from the farms to the city. Take out from China Town. My first Kodak Camera.

Growing up I was blessed to live next door to my maternal grandparents. They had in fact built the house we lived in from two garage kits, sort of half stacked on one another and expanded to make a little two story house. The second story was at street level, and downstairs was the living room and two bedrooms. The living room walls were big beautiful squares of oiled wood, maybe 14" squares? and the ceiling was made of long skinny slats running the length of the room. All along one side of the ceiling was a dropped light box also made of wood. The lights inside that box made the coziest glow of indirect lighting. At one end of the room was a built in desk with shelves reaching to the ceiling, and I don't even have to close my eyes to remember the top shelf covered in trophies; sailing, tennis, bowling. 

In the corner by the desk is where the Christmas tree would go up each year, and my favorite part was always hanging the silver strands of tinsel. I'm not OCD by a long shot, but getting the tinsel hung right was important to me, and the resulting shimmer just magical. On Christmas Eve we didn't open presents, but there would be new pajamas and all the anticipation any child could hold for the morning. From the living room leading up to the kitchen was a set of beautiful wooden stairs, and from the edges of these we would hang our Christmas hats. We never had stockings, but pretty flannel hats with white yarn snowballs sewn on to the ends. And they would be hung by age, with mine in the middle, my brother's a step up and my sister's a step down.

I can remember so clearly sitting on the couch and pulling out fruit and pennies and chocolate coins from out hats. And always a small present, something special. For years I continued this tradition with my own children, making the Christmas hats and hanging them from our mantle, and making sure there were chocolate coins in them and a special present of some kind. As boyfriends and girlfriends came and went they would be made a stocking too, and then finally I made one for my granddaughter. But my daughter made her own traditions once she started her family, and now that we live together we will be hanging stockings on the mantle while the hats continue to rest, packed away in the garage. It makes me a little sad to realize I've never made one for my grandson, and if we ever live apart I will be sure to do that for when they come to visit.

But at my house growing up, Christmas didn't end with opening presents from under the tree. Because then came the anticipation of walking next door and doing it all over again with Mommer and Podder, my Mom's parents. We were so spoiled, and I think we knew it but didn't really appreciate how lucky we were.

Mommer would let us help in the kitchen, and we all had our share of the large bowl of guacamole and Ritz crackers that she would put out. Another tradition that has carried through to each of my holiday seasons, even thought I am missing the avocado tree they had in our back yard. Podder was a photographer, and so there were always pictures and everything decorated so prettily. But the best part of that was his darkroom in the top floor of their house. Mysterious and smelling of chemicals it would be a safe haven for me on and off over the years, whether bugging him to let me help with whatever he was working on, or later working on my own school projects. I think we all loved being up there, and somehow he found time to make each of us feel special.

Then the trek across town to Grandma and Grandpa's house, my Dad's parents. A big pink stucco affair in the hills above Universal Studios, we would embark on our third round of opening presents. They had a wonderful living room that had two steps leading up into the dining room; the perfect perch for a child or two or three. Grandma would let us look through her jewelry, and Grandpa would let us climb up on his lap in his recliner to watch tv with him. He always smelled like cigars, and I choose to forget the part about him dying of cancer because of it when we were in high school.

I guess watching so many Hallmark movies has made me think of all this, and how blessed I was to have been so happy in my childhood. And given the way it all changed for me later, it doesn't diminish the earlier happier years - those I will always treasure. And tonight I am feeling grateful for the grandparents who loved me, and cared for me, and nurtured me. Because today I was reminded that many of us don't get to grow up that way, and my heart goes out to every little child who didn't get to know the love of a grandparent.

We are looking forward to the holidays, and pulling out the Dicken's Christmas Village to make the house festive. And my hope is that the magic of Christmas is alive and well in all of us this year.

A Soft Grey Thermal

Earlier this week I pulled out a tub of clothes from the bottom of my closet and washed everything that looked like it may fit me this winter. Today I am wearing a soft grey thermal that is so cozy, and while it's an XXL, it's sized from back in the day when that didn't mean the size of a house. And it just fits; comfy, no pulling, no tugging, no sucking in my gut. This is pretty exciting, and while there were other tops that don't quite fit yet, it's good to know I'm still on the right path and won't have to buy any clothes this winter. Well, maybe a pair of jeans, but I need to check in the garage first to see if I saved any of those that might fit.

I was tired today, partly from the cold, partly from waking to a nightmare about 3am and watching tv until feeling tired about 5am. I don't have those kinds of nights too often anymore, and I stayed true to my decision to keep off the coffee this morning. Despite dragging my ass around all day I'm glad I didn't cave to temptation this morning. I will say that I barely fulfilled my daytime duties; getting the dishes done and playing with C was about it.

Food was good today, a nice warm yam pudding for breakfast, left over mashed potatoes and black bean burgers for lunch, and the meatballs and veggies I cooked yesterday were a nice change for diner but I did miss my dinner salad. I had decided to split veggies this week and have 10oz at lunch and 10oz at dinner. It was nice having the larger lunch serving, but not chewing up a big bowl of raw veggies at dinner has left me a bit hungry this evening. Luckily hunger is no longer the enemy it once was. I don't panic anymore, I just heat up a cuppa tea and ignore it. I'm so grateful to know I am eating enough, and not too much.

Tonight's a little rough because yesterday the family brought back a caramel apple pie from their trek up to apple country, and it's just sitting there on the stove. It's been sitting there All Day. At some point I just upended a wooden salad bowl over it so that it was at least out of sight. Tonight M is cooking two more pies that he is taking into work with him in the morning. I will have to make some apple cinnamon oatmeal, that should silence the bit of mental chatter those pies are causing.

I've been listening to a lot of Susan's vlogs this week on topics like surrendering, not making exceptions during the holidays, and remembering how great it will feel to stay Bright. And I do remember how wonderful it felt last year to be losing weight instead of gaining the seasonal five or ten pounds. So that is the plan, just do it again but better. At this point I have no plans to indulge as I did last year. We are talking about having appetizers for lunch and Bright Line dinners at the holidays. I think we are making ornaments instead of cookies for the neighbors this year, and are already planning out decorations for the house. Focusing on joy instead of food, how awesome is that.

Brrrr, time to get up and move. Heat up my tea, and see if the family is watching anything interesting. Sometimes I feel like I'll go mad if I hear the music from The Office one more time. But each to his own mental therapy right now.

I'm hoping for an adventure movie.

Sun Dried Tomatoes

How do I forget from time to time how wonderful sun dried tomatoes are in ... everything! Today I made meatballs and I am sitting her anticipating the aroma from the oven once the heat starts baking them. Trying to save my back, I used the small food processor to chop the onions (red and yellow), peppers (red, yellow & orange), and aforementioned tomatoes before adding them to the ground sausage and beef. I added in Bragg's seasonings, some mushroom mix (dried mushrooms, sage, red pepper, salt) and lots of fresh ground pepper. I already know they will be delicious.

I've been adding veggies to my meatballs regularly for a couple of years now, loving how juicy and flavorful they become. I was leaning into an Italian flavour profile, so I am thinking roasted tomatoes for my vegetable with dinner. And I'll make fresh garlic dressing for my salad. It's nice to know dinner will be wonderful, full of real food, and satisfying to boot.

Speaking of food, I have been thinking about the Easter menu - the same every year of my life - and I am tempted to change out the ham for a pork shoulder. I need to decide before leaving work tomorrow as the plan is to shop on the way home.  I'm sure I have written many times before on the richness of the perfect Easter bite; ham, coleslaw, and brown bread. Rhiannon is going to make the brown bread as it has become astronomically expensive to order online. I think she is also baking savory rolls with cheese and sage - or was it basil -for our brunch. So yes, I may eat some bread tomorrow. May, not will, and therein lies the problem. I need to draw Bright Lines around Holidays.

So yes, holidays continue to be about food. No, that is wrong. Let us just say that food maintains it's historical place in our holidays. It's fun to have something special to share, and remember those who once shared it with you. I can remember my Grandmothers puttering around in their respective kitchens; Mommer baking pies and Grandmother baking beans. I think of my Mother scoring and adding cloves to a ham, and baking potatoes - au gratin? scalloped? - and wrapping the brown bread in foil to heat in the oven.

So yes, holiday food, and no apologies. But my portions will be different, and there will be no gorging until I feel like passing out. Even the slip ups I have endured this week have not been about stuffing myself, but rather about taming the shrew. It may be the normal amount of stress the whole world is experiencing right now with the Covid-19 Pandemic, and sheltering in place. Or it may be the new Yerba Matte tea I am drinking in the morning that is waking me up at night and propelling me towards the kitchen where I am once again searching about for...something.

It's a little disconcerting. But I know it can take years to come to grips with this addiction, to teach myself about trust and endurance. So I am not beating myself up, and that is new after a lifetime of self recrimination. I can and will work past this. I can and will be kind to myself.

Ahhhhh yes...the wafting of wonderful aromas from the kitchen has just found my bedroom; I had almost forgotten.

Farewell 2019; Hello 2020

I gave myself a New Year's gift and splurged on a Bright Line Eating boot camp. Money is really tight right now, but I really want this to work; I feel like I am on the right track and want the support to follow through and learn everything I can. It was a bit pricey, but they have scholarships available and that made it possible. I hesitated, but Susan's appeal to not let money stand in the way won me over and I registered.

So I'm saying goodbye to not just 2019, but also to food addiction. I'm saying goodbye to struggling with food, and saying hello to the possibility of living Happy, Thin, and Free for the rest of my life. Everything that has gone before is still a part of me, and I know there is more to being happy than being in a right sized body, but I have always thought that is where it would begin. And now I have hope of  a bright future.

I've spent a bit of time last night and again today after work watching the required videos. I have a good start since I've been using the food plan for a few months now and already have my journal and food scale. I'm ready to be a part of something for this first time since I joined the Orenda family, and I have the same positive feeling about this as I did then. I still have the dream to make Orenda my retirement career, but couldn't imagine it in this wreck of a body I've been living in. Now I can.

Today was a little stressful at work, but it never occurred to me to eat any of the cookies that were laying around. I did my work, ate my Bright Line lunch, and then headed home to spend the last night of the year with my family.

(b)  pumpkin custard
(l)  roast, squash, green beans, orange
(d)  ham, squash
(s)  handful of potatoe chips and onion dip
      Jalapeno stuffed with cheese and wrapped in bacon
      2 deviled eggs

There is a Bright Line against snacking, and I don't feel I really snacked. Rather I ate dinner at 5:30 and had a 4th meal at 8:30. I had thought about it, approved of the menu R had planned instead of our usual New Year's Eve fare of fried prawns and fried poppers, and thought that since I was staying up until Midnight I would just go with it. See, this is why I need the boot camp, I cannot be trusted.

Tomorrow is to be Day One, but really I need to wait and weigh on Sunday. I don't want the scale in the house, and can't imagine getting out to the garage, in the dark, on a weekday morning. I've had a good three days - this evening's snacks aside - and feel it's important for my mental health to stay to my original schedule.

So I'm already making exceptions; maybe that's just the way it has to be right now. But I will succeed, I will heal my brain,  and I will be a better person for it.

Bright Line Eating: week 12 in review

I forgot to review my week yesterday,so here it is.  It was a struggle. Surrounded by Christmas goodies and family that isn't on a schedule of meals and workers eating holiday treats brought in by vendors I guess I am mostly proud of myself for all of the times and things I didn't eat. So I will focus on that instead of dwelling on the small battles I lost.  The scale is in the garage and I had decided the night before I wasn't going to weigh in. Lord knows I didn't expect to see a loss and I didn't want the added chatter. Instead I celebrated by having a strong Bright Line day, getting things done around the house, and prepping for the coming week as usual.

Today was another strong Bright Line day, and I'm feeling good about getting my head straight. There is so much baggage left over from years of trying and failing, and I realized after posting yesterday that I was my own worst enemy. I had worn grey slacks and tank with a tailored black sweater and black boots, my hair braided over my shoulder, and the overall effect was very slimming. Normally I don't check myself out too closely in the mirror, but I had taken the elevator to the second floor at work and most of the back wall inside is a mirror. I was surprised by what I saw, pleasantly so, and I think at that moment I was triggered to eat.

I believe it's an old response, learned to keep myself less desirable, that when I notice I am thinner I start eating. I was in my 30's when I told my neighbor to please not comment on my weight when she complimented me on a recent weight loss. I was nice about it, and explained why it wasn't good for me to hear that. But it wasn't until years later that the why of it all became clear. Like so many other women who have been molested, wearing a fat suit had become the best line of defense. At the time I didn't know about food addiction, and still hadn't put together the pieces as I did just a month or so ago after starting to heal my brain.

So all told I have to chalk the past week up to a success. I am very happy to know I will NOT be gaining holiday pounds this year. I may not be losing during the season as I bragged of in an earlier note, but I am feeling good about how quickly I am rebounding from the few indulgences I had over the past week.

(b) pumpkin custard

(l)  roast, green beans, butternut squash, banana

(d) chopped salad with ham, cheese, onion & cauliflower

I know I have said this before, but I love how long it takes to enjoy a large salad. 

Face it, I love eating.

Walking the Walk

I spent time reflecting this morning on my intentions, and how my actions are not really supporting them. What am I doing here? How did I lose focus? How did Bright Line Eating become something I had to do as opposed to something I wanted to do? This is the sneakiness of the Saboteur, insinuating little negative thoughts until they upset the cart.

And this is the importance of the actions I have been neglecting. Morning meditation & nightly gratitude are not just decoration. They serve a purpose, an opportunity to reinforce intentions and connect with who we are and what we want. Who I am, and what I want. I realized this morning that yesterday I was feeling deprived - not because it was a truth, but because a part of my brain was being triggered by what I saw and was using any means possible to sway me over to the dark side.

Lying in bed this morning I was still disappointed in myself, but it wasn't a 'what the hell' moment. Instead it felt like a moment of grace where I could think clearly, and remember what is important to the real me right now. Healing my brain. And I have been doing a half-assed job of it. Because I was only focusing on the food, and giving a shrug to the actions and support that are such an integral part of the plan. The plan to live Happy, Thin, and Free.

I spent the morning measuring out pumpkin pie spices and then putting together my third attempt at a Bright Line custard recipe.  This time I added the Ezekiel cereal to the pumpkin mix instead of using in a crumble on top, and went back to just the chopped pecans on top. They were the third protein after my eggs; everything was weighed to be divisible by three servings of fruit, protein, whole grain, and fat. I do realize that no-where in the food plans is cream mentioned, but that is my fat in this dish. Next time I will have some unsweetened coconut to try instead.

So the custard is baking in the oven - three yummy breakfasts for next week - and I have leftovers in the fridge for lunch and dinner. This afternoon I'll use up all the veggies in the fridge to make a bean stoup and prep for salads.

So getting my actions lined up to meet my intentions is the goal. Being true to what I want instead of wandering along and letting life happen. At the eight week mark I was feeling pretty good, with moments of clarity peeking through from a foggy brain, and I want that back. I want to keep my Bright Lines intact from now until my Birthday in the Spring and beyond.

I don't need snacks at New Years or during the Super Bowl. I do need to be in a right sized body and thinking clearly and wearing smaller jeans. I just do.

Prime Rib Soup
I have six minutes to write about how wonderful my soup smells. First I chopped a couple of yellow onions and put them in the instant pot with the ribs from the roast I had cut apart. I covered them with cold filtered water and set the timer for high pressure and 75 minutes. While that was cooking I chopped another small onion, a large leek, a few leaves of kale, a green pepper, and then de-stemmed the last of the fresh thyme. Adding in half a large bag of 'cauliflower crumbles' brought my prep bowl to full. It's nice to have a bowl you can fill up and know it's the perfect amount of veg for a batch of soup. I then chopped the leftover roast , removing as much fat as I could, and opened a can of white hominy.  Once the rib stock was done, I pulled out the ribs and meat that was falling off the bones and added in the bowl of vegetables, hominy, and roast - including all the drippings that were in the container as well.

I set the timer for six minutes this time, and while the veggies were cooking separated the meat from the bones and fat. It was so juicy I didn't want to cook it any more; I'll stir it in once the rest of the soup is done. Which is now. It smells so delicious, just the perfect meal for a cold rainy night. I'm pretty sure that the veg to meat ratio is high, so I know having a bowl will be a Bright Line dinner.

Broken Lines and A New Year's Resolution

Yesterday was gone in a flash. Home from work, dinner, then watching C while the family went to see the new Star Wars movie. They loved the movie and C and I had a grand old time. Except for the meltdown when I denied him a 2nd piece of chocolate, it was smooth sailing. He was still up and playing when they arrived home about 11pm.

Unfortunately I discovered that I cannot be trusted alone in the house with Christmas cookies. I ate two of them.

Yesterday
(b) oatmeal, blueberries, yogurt
(l) spaghetti soup w/ sausage, banana
(d) roast on Ezekiel toast, half a twice baked potatoe (NMF and WTF)
(d) 2 cookies

Today
(b)  oatmeal, strawberries, yogurt
(l)  spaghetti soup, pear
(s)  Christmas cookie, triscuits with pub cheese
(d)  pepperoni & cheese over roasted peppers, onions & tomatoes; raw snap peas
       (I split my veggies, adding 5 oz roasted tomatoes to my dinner and having 3oz snap peas.

Am I spiraling? Three cookies in two days and adding in the crackers and cheese to lunch? I feel more sad and disappointed than devastated. But I see why SBT is doing a Rezooming series right now - I'll bet I'm not alone in losing a battle during the holidays. I tried to post in the facebook group today, but lost the page before I could save my comment and took it as the universe confirming my reluctance. I am not much on facebook and it doesn't make sense to fit something in that makes me uncomfortable. I need to figure out another way to build support.

That sounds like a good New Year's Resolution - finding support for Bright Line Eating.

The kids are off to a Christmas party so I am here with A & C for the evening. Love these children; they are life and love and laughter and tears and everything about life that is real and precious. They remind me daily of what is important, and why I need to improve my health and mobility. Focus on the positive, focus on healing the brain, focus on being here for them.

And life calls - time to go be Grama.

NO MORE COOKIES. NO MORE CHEESE.

Merry and Bright

Christmas was lovely, the presents fun and the dinner divine. Traditional Christmas fare, including appies, set the stage for breaking all of my Bright Lines. I'm really unsure as to if that was a glaring mistake or not. I guess I will have a better idea about that later. In the meantime I have also not kept to my Bright Lines today. Well, breakfast and lunch I did, but I had leftovers for dinner and I have no desire to make a salad.

Christmas
(b)  cinnamon roll, cantelope, bacon, Mexican chocolate
(l)  Appetizers - triscuits & pub cheese, chips and onion dip, cream cheese & pepper jelly - again on triscuits.
(d) Prime Rib, butternut squash, green beans & bacon, twice baked potatoes, crescent roll
(d) sugar cookie

Today
(b) oatmeal, blueberries, PB
(l)  roast, butternut squash, green beans - forgot to eat my pear
(d) Ezekiel toast with sliced roast on top, twice baked potatoes (2 halves)

Sins of the day:  pecan cookie, dark chocolate with almonds

The plan is to keep my Bright Lines through next Tuesday lunch. Then our New Year's Eve dinner of fried prawns and back on track New Year's Day. From then till Easter I see a string of Bright Line days strung together like Christmas Lights all Merry & Bright.

I'm feeling a little inflamed - swollen hand and painful hip - and I'm thinking that it's more about the sugar than the salt at this point. Because my salt take is down if anything - using Mrs. Dash more often than not. And I was feeling better before Christmas. While I really didn't have that much sugar, it seemed like a lot compared to having had none for a while.

Okay, back to the world and the little boy turning circles in my bedroom.

How blessed to feel needed, and wanted.