BLE and the common cold

 About a week ago this past Wednesday my throat started to hurt. We had received a call from the school on Monday that Cal may have been exposed to Covid so I was a little worried. We both got sick, but I tested negative, so it was just a cold. A miserable one with lots of chest congestion and going through a box of tissues each day.  And we are still not well over a week later. The first few days I ate anything that would soothe my throat; yogurt and ice cream being the main offenders. But I knew I didn't want to end up in the ditch so I switched to eating breakfast three times a day. One day I was so exhausted I had rice & beans all day that I had measured and packed with salsa and cheese for easy breakfast meals; easy to warm up out of the fridge. In the book Bright Line Eating Susan does say you can do that if you're sick. So I did, I had three breakfasts.

OMG, I was so stuffed going to bed that night I decided enough! I just needed to FTFP, and that would help me heal too. So I realized today that I've been Bright two days in a row. No biggie, I do it all the time. With several days of almost being bright in between. I am what they call a 99 %er, or a slight-liner. Someone who can't seem to stay Bright despite good intentions, habit stacks, and support.

I am writing here this evening with the hope that if I write it out, I can head into tomorrow with a healthy frame of mind and have a 3rd bright day. What I would really love is to finish out 2022 Bright. No Sugar, No Flour, No Snacks, Weighed and Measured Meals. I have heard it so many times, if you can do two days, you can do three. etc etc etc.

I've been listening to the Accountability Call recordings, and most of them start with questions I want to say yes to but rarely can. Were you Bright,? Did you write down your food? Did you commit it to yourself or someone else? I don't want 'NO' popping up in my head. I want to answer with YES YES YES. Why? Because I need some integrity around my eating.

Wait a Minute! The day of three breakfasts was also Bright, so I already have three Bright days. Well, I can't actually count this one until the morning, but I think I finally slayed the 3am eating beast so I'm pretty confident. So tomorrow can be day four. What about that!

I don't know why but I feel better already just knowing I can use Joey's Birthday as the day 'when I finally committed.'  Maybe he gave me a present. A fanciful thought, but lovely as they go.

Anyway, still coughing and blowing my nose, but forcing down the veggies and fruit. Using the oil from the jar of artichoke hearts has helped, as has the vinegar from the Kalamata olives; who needs dressing when you have those! 

Alan baked macaroon cookies this evening, and there are still a couple hanging out on the kitchen counter. Not even temped, and they are my favorites. When you're on, you're on. Figuring out how to keep the switch flipped is my current goal.

Here are some notes from stickies littering my desk.

    It's not magic, it's willingness

    Boil potatoes, chill in fridge, then reheat. This causes the starch to become resistant, meaning less easily digestible and reaching the colon to feed the good bacteria.

I think we're out of potatoes, so maybe some overnight oats for breakfast. Time to write down my food for tomorrow so I can think yes tomorrow while listening to an AC recording.

BLE and Grief

I'm still a little emotional this morning, but thinking about my grief yesterday I realized that maybe this is why I haven't been very bright recently. I have been so caught up in anger about being sick (just a really bad cold) and not being able to follow through on my plans to move South, I assumed those were the feelings I have been eating.  But often in September I start eating more, like a bear preparing for the winter, except I am ramping up for the desolation of another 9/24 without Joey.

And I am grateful this morning to BLE for teaching me about creating space between thoughts and things. About the power of the pause, and being able to just sit with my emotions of the moment without running from them. I've never felt like I was eating my feelings, but rather eating to run away from them. I guess it's all really the same thing. But the past few years I have not played the pity card, telling myself it's okay to indulge in eating anything I want because, "look at what you've lost". Instead I have tried to stay Bright, tried to put on bunny slippers and rest and watch good movies.

We don't usually speak about him on his Birthday, it's just too hard! Instead we had a tradition of having dessert; malted ice cream sundaes from Lord's, or trips to Cold Stone or Baskin Robbin's, always last minute plans because we just don't want to think about it. Really what I am saying is that we didn't want to feel about it, and procrastinated until the end of the day where we would bury those feelings in sugar.

Yesterday I emerged from my self imposed exile (keeping  my germs to myself) as the family was leaving for their almost daily trip to the dog park and looked at my daughter. "Half of me wants desert for Joey's Birthday, and half of me doesn't!"  She simply said, "well text me if you want us to stop for something".  She knows of my battles with food, and does bright line eating during the day most of the time. There was no judgement, no opinion, just love; she is the best.

I immediately calmed down, and knew I really didn't want the desert, I just wanted to say his name out load. To reaffirm that he is real, and loved, and missed. So I am still sitting with the pain today instead of eating it, and in a weird way it feels good. Because I know that when this burning pain in my throat passes, and it will, I will be ever so grateful that I am in a place that can appreciate that missing him is a part of my human experience. That I am not trying to hide my love for him under a mountain of sugar or flour, but instead I am expressing it through my feelings of grief.

Time to dry off these tears, hug the dog, and find a quiet little distraction.

BLE: Bootie Camp - Module 7

This Boot Camp module is about modifying the program to fit you, your life, your needs. But first she is very clear about the program. It works just as written. And it's doable for the long run one day at a time, but it's not for the feint of heart. Am I feint of heart? Is that why I haven't stuck to the plan? Or is it because I haven't gotten coaching around why I'm unable to follow the plan as written? My goal right now is to work through this and figure that out.

Modify the program: This should be narrow, well defined, and designed to serve me in the long term. Motives matter, and the higher we are on the susceptibility scale (SS) the less we should mess with the plan. I'm a blazing ten for sure, but I have wanted to change the program from the beginning. More about that later.

The four questions: When introducing a new food be sure to pay attention by asking these four questions.  1. Do I have peace around it or is it lighting me up?  2. Is it healthy?  3. Is it messing with my weight?  4. Is it escalating?  If NO is the answer to the first three, or YES is the answer to number four then this is not something you should be eating. We are trying to heal from dopamine resistance, not seeking new hits.  I've known all along that cheese lights me up, as does peanut butter. They are often part of the reason I have to rezoom each morning. Clearly addictive for me, which is why it's so hard to give them up, but I see that it must be done. Heaven help me.

Plan wisdom:  This plan isn't a nod to hope, it's based on thousands of years experience. Or as she says, from the experience of thousands of people working a program for decades. And I am living testimony to her thoughts on messing with the plan. Don't do it, it can be heartbreakingly hard to get back on program. "The power of food addiction is that sometimes you can't put the tiger back in the cage."  The plan as written is easy when you stick to it, it only becomes hard when you break your lines. That is when you lose the magic, and some people never get it back.      I refuse to be that person, I will get it back. I will.

It's Hard:  Losing your favorite numbing agent, facing life without it, is hard. It just is, and sometimes it takes a long time. So true. I think my first memory of using food as a drug was when I was about 10? I am sneaking up the wooden stairs that lead from my bedroom to the kitchen, being quiet and careful to miss the creaky bits. Then quietly getting into the fridge and getting out slices of cheese, or even better a slice of cheese and a slice of leftover roast. The memory of that first bite says with me even today; the texture and taste of that bite are preserved like a bug in amber within me. Funny that I can't remember if I ate my snack (purloined goods?) in the kitchen or if I slunk back down to my bed to eat. It's just sneaking up the stairs and that bite. I know now that it was a numbing agent used to get through being molested by my brother. But it wasn't until BLE and the lifting of the brain fog that I was able to make that connection. Then came doing parts work and I really felt like I was making progress. I need to make a note to myself here that while my childhood home is gone, visiting my Mother still triggers me. I'm going to live with her full time starting this September, and I am actually looking forward to doing some more parts work and putting this behind me. That little girl is still a part of me, but we've done some healing together, and it's time to move on.

Come all the way in and sit all the way down: Sometimes it takes a while for the bran to heal - she restates this many times in the module- and there is no shame of blame associated with your journey. "Take an honest look at your actions and plan." I think honesty is one of the ways I am growing. I think quieting the 'rationalizer' part that wants to lie to me all the time has been one of my successes. There are still a couple I need to work with, to love and bring into the fold, and again, I'm looking forward to more parts work. The healing ritual of pretty little black birds flying away with my seeds of pain and doubt and nightmare comes to me often and lightens my soul.

Clothes:  Wait until goal weight to buy a new wardrobe. 

Losing Slow: Choose lighter foods. Lose the starchy veggies, nut butters, and oil.  lol, all of the things that light me up!  Losing slowly better prepares you for maintenance, it's not a bad thing. If fact it's better than losing quickly and then not being prepared for the sudden change.

Sleep:  Not getting enough sleep can stall weight-loss.  This continues to be a problem. I don't want to go in for a sleep study because I know losing weight will solve the problem. But will I be able to lose weight if I don't solve the sleep problem?  Once I am down south and have a new doctor I will address this. I promise.

Cycle of Honesty:  Awareness >> Inventory >> Sharing >>  Freedom.  This is one of the benefits of working in a small group, you have somewhere to share, get feedback, and find freedom from angst when making a change.  This is the later I referenced earlier. Last night in Bootie Camp I spoke a little about depression and my history with food addiction, and how I missed my morning green smoothies. We discussed a bit about how we don't blend foods in BLE, but for my circumstances (depression) it was agreed that I would try this for a week. And I even have company! I have a green smoothie buddy! We will chat everyday, analyze how we are doing, and keep asking the four questions. 

There are no outside Issues:  We are doing BLE through everything and anything. Connect, share, explore, it all matters. This is not a diet club, it's a food addiction recovery program where we can learn to walk through life with love and integrity and Bright Lines.

Motives:  You can go anywhere and do anything if your motives are pure 💙

Each week in Bootie Camp I become more hopeful. I know I can do this.  But I need to run, a child is waiting for me to help him defeat a bad guy on the switch.

BLE: Bootie Camp - Module 6

This module is about traveling, and the main point is that you need to plan. "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail" as the old adage goes. The strongest statement was that you must do whatever it takes to keep your Bright Lines.

The only traveling I do is back and forth to my Mother's. Sometimes I do well, and eat my packed meals as I drive up and down Highway 5. Other times I have let my narrator run wild and have used the trip to eat fast food. Other times it's a little of each. But the truth is that when I plan to succeed I do. And when I don't, I fail. So there is the truth in that!

Another important idea is that when you travel you don't just take your food, you take the whole program. I will say that in each of the bags I normally use to travel I keep a pen, glasses, and a small journal so that I am never unprepared. I also take my computer with me so I can work during my visits, but to also stay connected with the BLE community. Each day at some point I sign on to give support where I can, thereby strengthening my own resolve. I am hoping that at some point the cumulative result of these small efforts will be a more solid mindset for myself.

Meditation:  I try to do this every morning, sometimes longer than others, but at least for a few minutes to start each day.

Nightly check list:  I have tried, and I cannot do this. It becomes about what I am not doing and getting frustrating, and succumbing to the WTH effect which ends up in me stuffing my face. Not good.  Instead I have kept my habit stacks small and doable. I cannot let BLE take over my life, for me that would defeat the whole purpose of finding freedom.

Reader: Another fail on my part, I just can't read 'inspirational' gobbeldy gook - it makes me crazy. Instead I listen to music while I work and 'do a little dance' when the mood strikes. I would rather find something to make me laugh than reading something that tells me I am okay. Seriously.

Brain Fog: She speaks to this lifting as we detox from sugar and flour. And this did happen for me. I believe this is what made it possible for me to do parts work in BLE Freedom, and to re-evaluate some pivotal moments in my past; some healed and some with work still to do, with finally a clear mind. The times I have given up and eaten whatever for a few days I feel horrible both physically and mentally - depression a lurking side effect of eating badly. And yes, I can just hear the voices berating me for saying 'eating badly'. So how about I say, when I disregard the SCIENCE that shows why eating certain foods results in depression, it makes me feel badly. How about that.

Habits:  These form the foundation and scaffolding of the program, letting automaticity take root. Stacking habits that are linked together by time and location cues strengthens our willpower muscle. It doesn't extend willpower, it strengthens it. So that just saying no becomes easier. So that turning away from what hurts us is easier. So that we are more resistant to willpower depletion as we go through the day checking emails and making a million little decisions. I've been more aware lately of how often I make decisions. Take this afternoon in the pool with the grandkids. C has just learned to swim, so I am monitoring him and making decisions about where I am in the pool;  am I close enough to save him , am I too far away for safety. It's constant.

So there are things I am doing that seem to work for me, and others that I am not because they make me nuts. Sometimes I have to look at the program with a side of common sense and trust that I know what is best for me. Maybe that is why I am not being successful, but I choose to think that it's just taking me longer. Because a part of me is just that stubborn.

BLE: Bootie Camp - Module 5

This module focused on holidays & celebrations and how to 'manage' them. My first year I ate three mostly  bright meals at the holidays, and had a slice of pie for desert.  I say mostly because I ate what I considered bright plates, not counting the butter in the mashed potatoes or the bacon in the green beans.  You get the idea. Oh, and I did have a few Christmas cookies. But no binges, no eating between meals, and I felt successful. Little did I know I was setting myself up for 'reinforced intermittence' and the internal permission to eat at the next holiday, and the next, and the next.

The past couple of years have been better in some ways, but not really so much overall.  There is so much connection between food and celebrating it can be hard to draw the lines we must to stay bright.

Module 5

Holiday Meals: My balance comes from adding the flavours of the season to my meals, and focusing on the people. Yam puddings for breakfast, charcuterie board lunches in place of appetizers, and dinners loaded with sage, mushrooms and lean proteins. But there is splurging, like having a handful of Ruffles potato chips and onion dip as part of lunch, because I can rationalize how potatoes are a vegetable and the onion dip is a fat. But then there is an opened bag of chips, and I have found my hand grabbing a handful or two in the following days until they are gone.  But then, it's literally a year before we buy them again.  I sometimes struggle with this, and ask myself how it relates to  BLE as an addiction recovery program. If I were sneaking out buying chips for the next month or so then yes, I would have to stop. But that doesn't happen, and it means something to me to have this little indulgence each year. Per BLE it should never be about the food and it's clear that I am blended with a strong part of myself that doesn't agree.

Yam puddings (or custards) spiced like pumpkin pie for breakfast truly satisfy the itch for actual pie, and I love feeling great after dinner instead of being full and grumpy. Eating appetizers for lunch and making a bright meal out of them is easy for us as traditionally we don't have sugar or flour in our appies. 

Baking:  Christmas cookies are a challenge for me, but I will say that compared to a lifetime of over-indulging in these sweets having a few to sample the holiday baking going on by others in the house seems fairly harmless. But again, I'm just practicing 'intermittent reinforcement', which is another way of saying keeping my addiction alive. There is a part of my brain that argues for moderation and mindful eating, and maybe that is where I will end up. But in the meantime I am not in my bright body, and need to get weight off of my arthritic back. So heading into Autumn and then onward into the holiday season, this year I feel the need to be BRIGHT. Maybe next year I will have a cookie.

What to say: this hasn't been a problem or challenge as I don't socialize and my immediate family knows how I eat. The coming holidays will be spent with my Mom, and there will undoubtedly be family around. I don't think I have any need to prevaricate. A simple, No Thank you should do, but if I am asked I will just say I do Bright Line Eating - flour and sugar make me crazy in ways I don't like so I no longer eat them. What I will say when caught eating a Christmas cookie? Addiction is hard, I do my best. But I don't really see that happening.

Birthdays & Weddings:  Don't take your food scale to these celebrations. Have a Bright meal and focus on the people. Depending on the timeline of the event you may want to eat before or afterwards.

WOOP: Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan - a tool to use when planning for an event, challenge, or maybe just dinner out with friends.

Wish: In thinking about the upcoming situation, what do you wish for the outcome to be?

Outcome: Go over in detail exactly what this looks like & feels like when you successfully handle whatever it is.

Obstacle: What is the main/major obstacle you see that may derail you?

Plan: What can you do to avoid or eliminate the temptation or situation that has you concerned?

Basically this  module was about planning to stay Bright. Not intending to stay bright, but Planning to do so. Big Difference.

BLE: Bootie Camp - Module 4

I realized last night that my increasingly persistent cough felt familiar in a most unwelcomed way and may be more than just Covid lingering. I rose from my bed where I was coughing instead of sleeping, turned on the light, and found the inhaler marked 'urgent' on the side. Relief was almost immediate, as was the best night's sleep I've had in ages. This  morning I used the everyday inhaler and will continue to do so to ward off the asthma. Normally the asthma only appears in the Spring, triggered by allergies, but it makes sense that Covid could do the same.

I don't like the way steroids make me feel, and in the past I would counter that anxious feeling by calming myself with food. But now I am aware of that pitfall, and instead of grabbing a snack I am focusing my attention here. We meet tonight to go over the fourth module so this is a good time to review.

Module 4

This is mostly about eating out with specific notes and tips for specific restaurant types, but there is also a section on eating at home with others who are not bright liners.

Eating Out: The first time through Boot Camp I sort of skipped through because years ago while eating for nutrition and living with a partner who liked to eat out I learned to navigate those waters. Really the bottom line is speaking with your server, asking menu questions, and requesting substitutions. As SPT pointed out, sometimes just tell them up front you can't eat flour or sugar and to help you with suggestions from the menu. Trying to be a better student this time I did pick up a couple of things that will be helpful should I ever start eating out again! For instance, at a Chinese restaurant you can ask if the dish tastes sweet to determine the sugar level in the sauce. Something I have done before is to get the dish I want (Kung Pao Tofu) and also a side of stir fry veggies to mix in to raise the ratio of veg to protein.

There was a lot of common sense stuff; dressing on the side, skip the cheese on salads if you've already chosen a protein, ask for an extra plate (I would ask for a to-go container up front) so you only keep in front of you your bright meal.

Eating In:  If you have a partner and they are not eating the same as you, do  your own cooking. Be responsible for what you put in your mouth, and keep your eyes on your own plate. This is something I took to heart in the beginning, and would batch cook for myself on Sundays and Wednesdays. This meant my dinner was ready to pop in to reheat so I was out of the kitchen quickly, leaving the space clear for the family to cook their meal. But lately when I am tired I ask to be included with their dinner order, or to share what they are making at home. The exhaustion from Covid is no joke, and I am so grateful to have family here to lean on. That being said, I have broken a few lines over the past couple of weeks while sharing meals. But I'm back to keeping my eyes on my own plate, and even made a batch of soup this past weekend to last me a couple of days.

Family:  I love her take on feeding the family. Make a bright meal, add a bowl of starch for kids or anyone who wants it, and done. Easy Peasy.

Garbage:  She mentions the old habit of popping food into your mouth instead of throwing it out so as to not waste it. The bottom line is that we are not garbage cans, so don't treat ourselves as such. Better the extra food be tossed, or saved for a future soup pot.

That was about it. I learned a couple of new things, but mostly it was just a review for me. It did make me want to eat out, to actually go to a restaurant, sit down and be waited on, and leave the dishes for someone else to wrangle. Right now that just sounds divine.

Time to go prep dinner.

BLE: Bootie Camp - Module 3

I'm still getting over Covid, and the lethargy is alarming. I don't want to write, I just want to lie down and rest all of the time. And I will get back to that after reviewing my notes for Module 3.  

Module 3    

JFTP: Just follow the plan and surround yourself with others who are doing the same, build an identity of someone succeeding long term. This is difficult, because a part of me doesn't accept, or want to accept, that I am a food addict. It just feels wrong despite all science to the contrary. I think about the years spent eating for nutrition and how it felt right, organic so to say.

Gratitude: Every day is a gift, be grateful for it.  I feel that I've always lived in gratitude, especially for the natural beauty around me, but also for the creature comforts. I think this comes from having Summers at Lake Arrowhead and then losing it when I moved North. Living in San Francisco with little means I saw how fortunate I had been, and to not take things for granted. That lesson has stayed with me my whole life. What I discovered in BLE is that I rebel against writing it down. Yes the sunset is gorgeous, yes I treasure every hug from the grandkids, and yes I appreciate that I have the means to keep a warm bed and good food on the table. But writing it down? It doesn't feel sincere anymore, but forced, and so I will keep my gratitude where it belongs, ever present in the daily aspects of my life.

Actions: Learning to trust myself by watching myself do positive things. There is science about observed behavior, and learning to trust that we value self-care is a big step in the right direction for confidence. Every meal is an opportunity to feel better, and to see ourselves feeling better, reinforcing the behavior of remaining Bright.

Community: Be someone who belongs. Much like writing here I found that posting too much makes my hyper critical and I end up whining. But I do like signing on and encouraging others, and hopefully I will bond with the group in Bootie Camp. The founder of our group feels like a kindred spirit, so that is a good start.

Omega 3s:  The brain needs them, and can't get enough when it's overloaded with Omega 6s - mostly from the processed vegetable (soy) oils in fast food, snacks, and most packaged food in the center isles of the grocery store. And there is a direct link between this imbalance and depression. Self diagnosed with a lifelong low-grade depression this makes sense.  Years ago I started adding flax meal and spinach to my morning smoothies along with blueberries and it really made a difference in my moods and attitude. So when I feel blue I know exactly what to do, I just need to make it a habit to stay out of the danger zone. One of the things I wonder about is adding those smoothies back to my daily food despite the science against blending meals. And I am considering an algae supplement.

Chewing: This is the most interesting part of the module to me, that chewing promotes the production of neurons in the hippocampus - in other words, making new brain cells. Lord knows I need those and I think about it every time I have a plate of raw veggies in front of me now. I don't remember this from the original boot camp, so I either missed it, or it has been added to the module since 2019.

Compassion:  Easy to have with others, and learning to have some towards myself has been a learning process. But I do practice self-compassion now, and it has become part of how I rezoom. There is no longer shame around doing less than perfect.  And it turns out community triggers self-compassion, another reason support is so vital.

Meals:  SBT talks about regular meal times, and that is something I have been practicing. In the beginning it was easy; breakfast on the way to work, a packed lunch at 11am, and premade dinner (often) upon arriving home around 4:30. This made a natural fasting time of 5pm to 7am. Now that I work from home I eat at 8am, 11am, and 4pm giving me a slightly larger fasting window of about 16 hours. The problem is when I add that fourth meal after work around 9pm. Not good, and something I need to keep working on with my parts, because it's not eating from hunger - it's something else - and while I know I've made progress it's also become apparent that it's not a one and done healing. You have to keep doing the work for it to keep working. Ha!  Anyway, I like the idea of healing while I sleep and of having a longer fasting window; another thing that just feels right.

Permission to be human:  My reflections on this module is that it's all about accountability, and it's most obvious here where we are to dissect exactly what led up to eating off plan and what we learned from it. I've never been good at this, hating that I need to examine my actions and be accountable for them. It's much easier to just NOT do that. But if you always do what you always did you'll always get what you always got.  A great maxim from network marketing days, and true for everything.  So I will try to be accountable to myself and the group, and to learn from my mistakes, or slips, or whatever I am calling it these days. Mostly they are just, "oh well" moments - and very deadly. So this is my lesson, and I will work on it.

That's all for now, I've run out of energy.

BLE: Bootie Camp - Modules 1 & 2

When I first read Bright Line Eating it struck a chord that reverberated throughout my whole being like a clarion call and I was indeed moved to action. Here it is almost three years later and I have come a long way; learned about my parts and to love my Rebel. Learned how to respect what works for me and what doesn't, and that was by learning to listen to my own true self, or as BLE would say it, my authentic self. But what I haven't done is taken off the weight that is negatively impacting my weight. So maybe this isn't right for me? But maybe it is.

Recently in my MMG one of the group said she was divorcing BLE and was studying Instinctive Eating - she no longer would be told what, when, and how to eat. It really made me think, but it didn't take long to recognize we are at different places and that I could respect her decision while making my own. And my own was to immerse myself back into BLE, because it dawned on me that I am choosing to follow the plan. I need to lose weight to lift the burden my arthritic back is carrying - I need to be out of pain. And BLE can get the weight off. But that's not all. I really do appreciate my brain when it's off drugs (sugar & flour) and the shift in perspective it affords me. More positive, less moody, more inclined to pay attention to self care instead of wallowing in a pity pool

Having made this decision it was easy to embrace the Bootie Camp just started by another BLE buddy. The first time I went through Boot Camp I discovered my Rebel and felt like I was being dragged kicking and screaming through an exercise in futility.  Bootie camp is going through the Boot Camp modules again, but this time together as a small group. I think there are about ten of us which will afford us the time to get to know one another and give & take the support we need. The original Boot Camp had hundreds of members in it and I just isolated, totally overwhelmed, and could never connect with the group. I feel that the parts work I have done, in combination with what I now know about myself, brings me to a place that I can appreciate what I missed the first time around, and discard without shame or regret the parts that don't serve me.

Noes below on the first two modules, what I find important this time around and reflections on what I have learned as each topic arises. I hope these will be my journaling prompts for the next eight weeks.

Module 1:     

Be unstoppable: We do this one day at a time (ODAAT). I feel that the two years I spent maintaining the original 30# loss was a lesson in 'Rezooming'. No matter what I ate or did during the day or evening I would wake up optimistic and ready to be Bright every morning. Interestingly enough, this morning I did not. I felt I knew what to do, but had no manic energy to predict the rest of the day. Sometimes it's not one day at a time, but one meal, or moment, or second at a time. It just all feels possible, and it's a good feeling.

Have an Emergency Action Plan (EAP): I never wrote this down the first time around, but I did last week:

    Human connection:  grab a child to hug or wrestle or swim
    Prayer:  ask the Universe for help
    Meditation: do breath work to settle my parts
    Gratitude:  just be thankful, just take a moment to be in love with my world
    Service:  make a phone call or sign on to check group messages
    Distraction:  play a game or get outside & water the garden

Sanctity. Create self-care practices that support my True North. I've never thought of self-care as creating a sanctuary, but that is what it does. Surrounding myself with habits that are solely to take care of myself and not about anyone else has been enlightening. Hearing all of the 'oxygen mask' talk for the last 20 years or so just felt like hype for being selfish. Now I know the truth, we need to take care of ourselves mentally & physically.

Module 2:    

Commit Food:  I have never been able to do this, not wanting to feel like a pretender or liar when I couldn't eat 'only and exactly' what I had committed. But this time I want to work the program, and with help I downloaded the Messenger App on my phone and learned how to snap a pic of my food for the next day and post it to the group.

Counting Days: For me there is no Day One. No 100 day colouring pages, no marking off Bright Days or hearts on a calendar. It's triggering for my Rebel - she won't be told what to do. Instead I focus on just the one next meal, and feel good about it being Bright, and that the last meal I had was Bright, and that the next one I make will be Bright. It's a relief knowing I can live in the present and not stress about what I will have to report.

Body Scale:  SPT suggests weighing monthly, and then weekly as you approach maintenance so you can manage your 'Adds.'  I started weighing my body weekly. Then as I lost my Brightness I only weighed if I felt lighter. I tried putting the scale in the garage and weighed monthly, and finally I stopped weighing my body. The food chatter was too great, the number too inflammatory. No matter what the number a part of me was ready to go crazy and I had had enough.  I did weigh at my Mom's in February confirming I was still at 202 - the same exact weight on the same scale from two years earlier. And I think it was a trigger for me, Two months later I had gained 15 pounds - half of my original weight lost! NO MORE. No more body scale. My clothes will tell the tale.

Meditation: It has been a relief to finally add this to my daily routine. Once I learned you don't have to use a meditation bench or sit cross legged I embraced it. And realized I've been using mantras to meditate for quite a while. First as a child to self-soothe, then after reading Eat Pray Love I began to use Elizabeth Gilbert's mantras. After reading up on breathing, I added breath work (4 in through the nose, count to two, seven out through the mouth) to ground myself before slowing my breath and relaxing was key.

Daily Reader:  I tried, and all of the positivity just annoyed me. I need to find some poetry or something that is beautiful without being preachy.

Habit Stacks: Slowly but surely I have developed these. Besides my AM and PM stacks below I eat everyday at the same time, 8am, 11am, and 4pm.  This ensures I have breakfast before the kids need me, that I prepare my lunch and get out of the kitchen before my daughter takes her lunch at noon (she works from home) and finally that I eat dinner prior to starting my evening job at 5 and still have time to tidy up the kitchen.  

AM  Meditation, O'Tropin, Pills, Dandelion Tea with Collagen, breakfast, PT Exercises

PM   Commit Food for the next day to my Bootie Camp group, Pills, brush teeth, O'Tropin

That's all for now, just enjoying a quiet Monday morning and getting my thoughts together for our Bootie Camp call this evening.  

BLE: Morning habit stack

 Usually when visiting my Mother, when it's time to go home I am packed the night before, and in the morning I am ready and out the door in a flash, anxious to be on the road home. But this morning I am staying true to yesterdays commitment and journaling after doing the daily Wordle (got it in three.) This after my morning meditation, stripping and making the bed, and showering, so I am feeling very productive. I guess this is my abbreviated morning habit stack - Meditate, Wordle, Journal.  At home depending on the day it can be longer.

I did not make it through the night unscathed, cheese & crackers my lonely companions at 3am after tossing and turning for a couple of hours. Partly just awake, partly in pain and not being relaxed and comfortable. Knowing a snack will help sedate me is not a good thing, so two bright lines broken before I even start the day.

Luckily I am in a mellow state of mind, and looking forward to a bright day ahead. Here's my food:

b)  cheese, triscuits, banana - yes, I see the cheese & triscuits is a problem
l)  hard boiled eggs, celery, small orange & small apple - eaten in car on the way home
d) a Bright plate of whatever Easter dinner my daughter has prepared - she is also eating Bright

Homework: get online once I am home and find someone I can call in the middle of the night - maybe in Australia? I'm not sure I will do this, it's just an idea for times I can't sleep. I am hoping that back in my own bed and no siren calls from the kitchen pantry will be enough; I haven't eaten in the middle of the night at home in a while. Before bed, yes, middle of the night, no. I will look for support for both time frames. Luckily this is a world wide movement, so there will be someone!

There is a part of me tugging at the reins to get going, so I am off to pack meals, load up the car, and head North.

Brightline Eating; Reframe Rezoom

 Here is my post from this morning in the Bright Line Eating community:

TLTR: Last month I decided it was time to visit my Mother; she is 90 and I hadn't seen her at all since Covid. I had stopped weighing myself some time ago, but thought it might be safe to do so away from home. Stepping on her scale in March I was unsurprised to see that I was exactly the same weight as I had been the last time I stepped on her scale - Feb 2020.

During that visit we decided it would be a good idea for me to visit each month through the Summer and so here I am again, a month later, visiting Mom and her scale. Knowing I had a rough month behind me I looked at the scale and knew it might be a bad idea to once again step on those forbidden shores. But I did anyway. How on earth I managed to gain 9 pounds in a month is not beyond imagining, but still was quite a shock. Trying to look back over the month I do see that in between my bright days there were a lot of fourth meals just before bed, and some snacking during the day. Realizing how far I had slipped into the ditch while lying to myself about it was rather disheartening.

Having maintained a 30# loss for two years (50# to go) had been a little frustrating, but gaining back a third of it in a month was just heartbreaking. I ranted and raved yesterday morning in the first journal entry I had made in months, and by the end of that little exercise I was once again in the frame of mind to have a bright breakfast. And then I realized I was drinking tea with cream in it as I had forgotten to bring my oat milk.

The day didn't go badly, but I wasn't bright, and this morning when I signed on to do Wordle the below memory was waiting for me. The final straw in my attitude adjustment.

So here it is, my commitment to eating only and exactly what I am about to write down for the day!

b)   Triscuits, PB, Banana

l)    Green Salad, cheese, apple

d)   Ham, scalloped potatoes, coleslaw

Neither light nor healthy, but I had planned recipes to make a compliant Easter dinner for Mom. Tonight I will commit my food here for Sunday when I am driving home. (4.5 hrs trip.)

A GREAT BIG SIGH

Well, here I am again. Feeling defeated and discouraged and, well, really just a big "Oh Well did you really expect anything different in the long run?" But that is just the surface, underneath there is a part of me that 'knows' what to do and that this just means there is work to be done. Work I am too lazy to do? Work I feel shouldn't have to be done so it just makes me mad to think about what I should be doing? I mean really, why should it take so much work to just feel at peace? Because peace is not why we are here? Which brings me back to my childhood, and swinging on the front gate while I wonder why I have to be here again. Wondering why I can't just go back.

It's the same old question humanity has asked forever, why are we here? Except I knew in that moment of childhood clarity there was a somewhere I came from, someplace that was better, a place that I liked, and where I belonged. At a young age - 6? 7? 8? - I knew I didn't want to be here on earth and 'going through this again.' That feeling has followed me through life as I struggled to get through everyday things, and mostly doing a bad job of it.

I blamed myself for being lazy when I didn't live up to my own expectations, when I didn't have a career path to follow, when I didn't excel at the ordinary business of growing up.

While I try to believe I have forgiven myself for how my life has unfolded, mostly I know I failed and that is  probably the underlying reason for why I am back here in a place of regret and sadness with tears streaming down my face as I type. Sitting in my Mother's dining room, surrounded by beautiful things, I am a fish out of water. Voluminous soft black sweater keeping me warm, laptop humming away, I am anomaly in this space dedicated to delicate glassware, orchids, and ceramic creatures. A sort of analogy for my whole life.

And I see that the pity party has begun so another great big sigh leaves my body and I hitch up my big girl panties to once again start over. Because I am not certain I have fulfilled any purpose yet in this life, and just noticing the glimmering of a chance that there may be something I need to do before I can go back pulls my mind out of the gutter and makes me want to keep trying; the fucking Pollyanna game is once again afoot and I must sit here and be grateful for what brings joy to my life.

Okay, so maybe I'm drawing a blank on that at the moment with the huge exception of my grandkids. Every hug, every conversation, reminds me that love is everything, and that everything I have been has brought me to this place with them.  Maybe that is why depression is trying to sneak in - because I am planning to leave them and move South in September to be here full time for a while with Mom. It might be for the rest of her life, or maybe just a few months to spend a holiday season with her; she is 90 and I do feel we are running out of time. Time to connect, to get to know each other. But I don't anticipate that happening as we are both so set in our ways. I am hoping time together will ease us into some semblance of acceptance, but at the  moment all I can see is work. AFGO indeed.

So what started this early morning rant down pity lane? As usual it is my weight. I have not been Bright more than a day at a time lately, and since I was here on a visit last month I have gained 9 pounds. Amazing what the body can do!

But at least stepping on the scale made it clear that it is time to clear the decks, start fresh, and take care of myself. This being typed while there is cream in my mug of tea so of course I have already failed as it is not a Bright morning. My bad for not stopping to pick up oat milk, and for planning to use cream in the scalloped potatoes at Easter dinner. so there it was waiting for me in the fridge this morning.

As previously stated, I know what to do, I'm just lazy. Or at least there is a very strong part of me that uses that as an excuse, and that is the part I need to get to know, and THERE IT IS AGAIN; why all the work? Maybe there is an even bigger rebel part that I still need to work on first. And that is my trailhead for the parts work; why does having to do the work piss me off so much? If we are spiritual beings living a human experience to feel/grow/enrich our souls then why is such a strong part of me so resistant?

Another great big sigh.

I haven't journaled in a while, because I was writing so much crap as evidenced by the above jumble. But I need to start again, it being part of the work I am so resistant to doing. And I guess I should start by being grateful. For this quiet morning to reflect, for the hot mug of tea, for the ability to work remotely so I can be here.

One of the things Mom and I need to work on is how we will manage our meals. I have been eating at 8, 11 and 4 for years now, while she eats closer to 10, 2, and whenever. But we can do that in September,  for now I just need to navigate through the weekend. Forget that, I just need to plan a bright breakfast! I may have to run to the store a little earlier than anticipated this morning.

Funny how quickly I can go from 'why am I here' to grocery shopping, which I suppose is the magic of journaling.

I have a Bright Line Eating quote on a sticky, something I felt important as it lives just below the keypad of my laptop. "Choose what you want and pay for it; now in work or later in consequences."  This morning I saw the consequences of breaking my lines and lying to myself about how often I was doing it. And here we are, back to the WORK. A full circle moment. But at least now I am calm.

BLE: A Bright Week

I have no specific memories of this week, just a feeling that it was mostly calm, that there weren't many mind games about what to eat, and that I had a stretch of Bright days behind me before I splurged on an afternoon snack of sharp cheddar cheese Friday afternoon. No biggie, and I've been Bright since then.

It was an ibuprofen and a little bit or real coffee kind of morning so I could get some chores done. It always feels good to accomplish something.

Lunch today was carrots and celery, a couple of hard boiled eggs, and a beautifully crisp and sweet Envy apple. As soon as my ear buds have charged (an ongoing disadvantage to my new phone) I'll get to work in the kitchen. I haven't decided yet if I'm making Moroccan lentil stew or black bean stoup, but either way I think I have all of the ingredients.

My focus this week is to just stay Calm & Bright. Woah...that's a Christmas Carole!

It's a beautiful day outside, and I am grateful for the state of mind that is letting me enjoy it.

But first, a game of Monopoly has been requested, and that has become paramount on my to do list.

BLE: What I want

 I have a paper journal for writing down what I am grateful for each day. I try to write in it often, and for each week I have a list that I review and check off each time I make an entry.

This morning after transferring the list to the next week I thought, these are  like sound-bites. What do they really mean? So here goes.

I want

peace of Mind:  I want to enjoy cooking and eating, and then forget all about food until it's time for my next meal. I don't want to dream about the addictive foods that brought me to this place in my life, where I am still writing about and struggling with what I eat and my resulting weight. I want to have the space to think about art, and going fun places, and having my bow tuned in case I want to go hiking and shooting up in the Oakland hills. I don't want to think about when my next opportunity will be to grab something I shouldn't, I don't want to bribe myself with something NMF in the future to be Bright now. I want to stop dreaming about pie, and pizza, and coffee ice cream. They were literally killing me, why can I not reconcile myself to them being evil and destructive? Why does a part of me glamourize them and try to seduce me knowing what I now know? Crazy thoughts, and I want them to be gone.

walk w/o pain: Just that. To walk without being in pain, whether it's my hips, knees, feet or legs. I want to be able to go fun places to hike and see beautiful things. I want to be able to run to Cal if and when he needs me, and take him on adventures out on the golf course.

better blood work: How wonderful it would be to see normal numbers at my annual blood work in January. Especially cholesterol and thyroid. To have my Dr. agree to take me off medications because I no longer need them. To have my blood pressure taken and have it recorded the first time because it's normal and there is no reason to take it a 2nd and 3rd time trying to get lower numbers. To skip the embarrassment of having to stand up while they take it, to skip the shame and blame and all the rest of the garbage feelings that creep their way into one's psyche when the numbers remain too high.

size 12 jeans: While this is a goal, being in a loose size 16 would float my boat about now.  I'm so sick and tired of having three or four or five different sizes of pants in my closet. Jeans are cozy and comfortable when they fit, and to not have to sort by what does and doesn't fit would be so glorious. A true blessing. And right now after a month of grief and parts-work and Halloween my jeans are tight. I don't even know what size they are, just that the elastic band at my waist is no longer loose. Elastic - how sad and pitiful.

better sleep: I seldom sleep more than a few hours at a time. I know that losing weight will help my breathing, and I long for a stretch of six hours at a time so I can wake up refreshed instead of groggy and grumpy and struggling just to make it to the loo, and then the kitchen to make coffee so I can wake up.

better clothes; I am thankful that Walmart and Target carry 'big' girl clothes and that I can at least dress myself. But really, I am so tired of living in tents. It would be so wonderful to be able to pull out a pretty sweater that didn't take a herd of sheep to make and still  looked nice after being washed. Cheap clothes do not travel well in the wash, spin, and dry cycles.

There are so many other things I want, but these are at the cored of what is important right now. So I try to remember why I want to stay Bright, and what can happen if I do. All of these things and more.

So far so Bright today.

BLO Bright Line Eating Official Facebook group

There are so many inspiring stories on FaceBook if you look at the Bright Line Official page, and yet, after two years mine isn't one of them.  YET. In today's vlog Susan mentioned that for some of us the plan just isn't working. And true to her mission she is not giving up on us. In December the new Rezoom book is due to publish, and in 2022 the new mission is for 1 Million of us to be in Bright Sized Bodies by 2025. Per her feedback on the program they are well on their way to meeting this goal. It's encouraging that she has a 'no man left behind' mentality, and is thinking globally. Mission #2, to have global obesity rates declining by 20..30? 40? I don't remember.  But here's the vlog. 

The bowl of dark chocolate covered pretzels at midnight left me in pain and depressed this morning. So far so bright today, but that is nothing unusual. It's the demons that come out at dark that persist in pestering me. During the day I am determined to fight for the bright night ahead that is still possible. But then comes the haunting hour and finally after a brief battle it's a relief to give in and eat something. Christ, bottom line maybe I'm just crazy.

Anyway. Today's food plan went out the window at lunch when I picked up a lettuce wrapped burger while getting Cal his chicken stars. We really need to wean him off of those. So still bright, but off plan. I topped it off with snap peas and a peach.

The day's gloom is pressing up against the windows, the cold creeping in and coating the room in grey. I'm glad there is minestrone soup left over for dinner, at least that is a cheerful thought.

Tomorrow's food will be about cleaning out the fridge and using up the vegetables that need to be eaten. There are beans and soyrizo for proteins, as well as nuts and seeds. So while I am not writing down a specific menu, I do have a plan. R cooked oatmeal this morning and I haven't had that in a while, so that's breakfast planned at least. Then lots of veggies, as usual, for lunch and dinner.

Four O'Clock, time for dinner.

BLE: Soup weather

We had a productive Sunday around here, Mikel missing church to stay home and check off a couple honey-do projects; fixing the laundry room door and hanging a cabinet for me in my bedroom. Rhiannon switched the door on the dryer for better access from the washer, and I took Cal to the park to get him out of the way.

Later in the day Rhiannon cleaned out gutters while I swept up; rain is forecast this week - we can hope at least.

Bright all day, then bread and butter at bedtime. It's my drug of choice when I need to sleep, and I did get in a solid six hours last night thank heavens. That really needs to stop, the bread not the sleep, and as always I am optimistic this  morning about making that happen.

Today's food 

•  b: hash browns, egg, salsa, banana & grapes
•  l:  spaghetti squash, marinara, parmesan, whatever the ripest fruit is
• d: minestrone soup

Alanna made a list of meals, and today I'm making minestrone soup using the instant pot. Maybe we are doing it together? We shall see. But it will entail a trip to the store I think, I'm not sure, I need to go through the cupboards first. We may have everything already.

The cooler weather, due mostly to the onshore winds flying up from the bay, have been lovely. But I'm not really ready for the 60s! Better than the 90s I suppose. So I guess I am still a little out of sorts and a bit grumpy to be complaining about the weather. We can just blame it on  my age, it's what I am supposed to do after all. Complain. Wow. Moving on.

I enjoy Monday's now. It's sort of a catch up day; straightening out after the weekend, catching up laundry, watching too much TV. Hanging out with Cal is the priority though, and we have a good time together. I think it's time to start taking our walks again (back to the weather, god) now that it's cooled off, and have fun collecting things. Maybe we should start painting and hiding rocks around the neighborhood, I think he would like that.

Okay, off to start the day. I'm so grateful to be able to stay home instead of riding in to the office. So grateful Mondays aren't a PITA anymore.

BLE: An unfinished day

 My saboteur was in full force this morning as I lay in bed, wondering what the day would bring. Everything was all of a sudden so hopeless and the only future I could imagine was gloomy and fraught with disasters. STOP, I told myself.

The mood didn't last long, before six Cal was peeking in to ask for help with getting his pajama bottoms back on after his trip to the loo. He climbed in and we snuggled while he watched Arthur, and all of a sudden everything was okay. Yes, I should be able to self-soothe at my age, but it's so much easier with a small child to remind you of love and being needed.

My existence confirmed, I got up to start the day. One scoop of real coffee and one scoop of decaf later I was buzzing about setting the house to straights. Laundry in after scrounging about for anything white, dishes set to run and counters wiped down, living room picked up and curtains opened. Then most important of all, unpacking the Fall sheets and changing my bed. There are few things I like more than wearing summer pajamas between flannel sheets at the beginning of the Autumnal season,  when it's still too warm for goose down comforters and too cold for cotton sheets.

Exhausted after work last night I rolled into bed - a whole two feet from my desk chair- and never gave a thought to journaling. It's okay, I don't have to be perfect, and I did read from my gratitude journal and mark off my wants of the day before tucking in to bed for the the night. Another Bright night lies behind me, which makes me wonder why I woke up so grumpy. Maybe I should check the moon.

Today's food (8oz veg lunch and 12oz dinner) 

•  b: triscuits & colgy jack cheese, banana
•  l:  chopped salad, beans & seeds, bleu cheese dressing, apple
• d: carrot fries, roasted grape tomatoes, jalapeno sausage

I've been struggling with splitting the vegetables evenly, 10 and 10, so I am going back to my old standard. If it's a salad at lunch it's 8oz leaving 12oz cooked veggies for dinner. If it's a prepped meal at lunch it's 6oz cooked veggies leaving a 14oz salad for dinner. That's what works, so why did I feel the need to change it? Especially now that I have the dressing extender of vinegar, nutritional yeast, and mustard figured out and won't be going over on my fat for the occasional large dinner salads.

And work is texting...back later.

BLE: The day after - what I'm not sure - but the day after

So exhausted from doing NOTHING yesterday, I went to bed forgetting to journal and commit my food for today. Standing in front of the refrigerator this  morning I didn't like the way I felt - unorganized, unprepared, having to make a decision about what to make for breakfast. Luckily the left over veggies from the pot roast were right in front so the  potatoes were easy to grab for my 'grain' and eggs over easy are always - well - easy!

Today's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner) 

•  b: red potatoes, eggs over easy, banana & green grapes
•  l:  chopped salad, beans & seeds, bleu cheese dressing, apple
• d: meatball soup w/ lots of spinach

Why I didn't do any food prep yesterday is a mystery. I was sort of frozen, which hasn't happened in a while, and I spent way too much time in front of the TV and computer. And it was an absolutely gorgeous day outside, what a waste! But no beating up on myself, until I broke out the peanut butter toast after lunch I had been bright for longer than usual. Maybe I just needed a bunny slipper day but didn't realize it.  My Bad.

There is lots to do today, including straightening out the garage to make a place to listen to records. Alanna has a friend coming over Friday and they need a spot to hang out. Finally the boxes and boxes and boxes of records will come in handy!  I hope they find something to listen to that they love. Thank you Jimmy <3

I even forgot my gratitude journal yesterday, what the heck? I guess I need an emergency action plan for when I wake up in a funk. And I know what it was, it was the pain in my legs. Worse instead of better as expected, and too stubborn to take pills. If I had just taken the pills and gone outside the day would have gone much better. Note to self, get over yourself!!

Funky morning?

1. self assessment - what's wrong, take steps to remedy the situation

2. get outside, even if it's just sitting in the back yard for a few minutes

3. make sure your food is prepped and in order

4. use the paper journal to figure it out and  move forward

Okay, off to get back on track. Back later to commit tomorrow's food.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner) 

•  b: hashbrowns, scrambled egg, cheese, salsa, banana & grapes
•  l:  homemade cauliflower crust pizza, pears & blueberries
• d: green chili corn, beans, cream cheese

Bright all day, dinner was a little heavy on veg but delicious, and I'm feeling a little hungry tonight. We just watched the British Baking Show - food porn- and we'll see how it goes. If I don't get through the night Bright I may have to not watch this season 😞

I'm really looking forward to making lunch tomorrow. Cal has school so I can come home and concentrate on getting the measurements right and pre-cook the crust. I'm planning on artichoke hearts, spinach, red onion and grape tomatoes for the veg on top and a nice sprinkling of red chili pepper flakes. My brain may be a bit too lit for this, but oh well.

I got a lot done today, making a nice dent in the garage. I also did lots of climbing at the park with Cal, thinned out some toys from the living room, and did the dishes that were left over from the weekend - I wasn't the only one slacking off for some R&R.

I've just reviewed my gratitude list before bed, and I'm looking forward to waking up Bright. I found a couple of tops I would like to fit into this winter, so I am hoping that is not triggering for me. I know why feeling or looking thinner is still a challenge, but I'm ready to do the work to get past that. A topic for another day, I'm beat!

BLE: JFTFP

The pot roast for dinner was delicious, there is nothing like brussels sprouts cooked with a roast and I am glad there are enough leftovers for a few meals. I did use red potatoes and there are two small ones in each 10oz portion of veggies in the containers, but we don't have them often.

It was a busy day, more than I usually accomplish; shower, weekly meeting, shopping, cooking, cleaning, and I am not too unsatisfied with my pain level tonight. I was definitely moving better today which was a relief. I am hoping the level of pain continues to drop as I stay bright with my food.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner) 

•  b: spanish rice chaffle, fruit salad (banana, pear, grape, orange, blueberry)
•  l:  chopped salad, garbanzo beans & pepitias, bleu cheese dressing, fruit salad
• d: pot roast, carrots, brussels sprouts, onions, potato

I had quite a few little conversations with my parts today as temptations came and went. "Remember how great it felt this morning to wake up and know you were still bright." And, "I really want to know what it feels like to be in a smaller body, so let's not eat that." Then the classic, "I really want that too, but we don't have to eat it today - maybe tomorrow or next weekend I'll feel strong enough to splurge." Which is a flat out lie of course, but I fell for it.

At one point today I had to run to CVS to pick up some aluminum foil to cover the post roast, and found myself standing in the bakery isle. "Really?", I asked "Is anything here worth feeling like crap about yourself?" The answer was a resounding no and I left the store with only the foil under my arm, shaking my head at my foolishness.

The kids went to the pumpkin patch after dinner, and showed up at home later with pints of Ben and Jerry's to round out the evening. I read the labels, swooning a little over the Dulce de Leche, then left to sit in the living room and wait for Lego Masters to start. I am double dipping into my gratitude journal tonight to make sure I go to bed in the right frame of mind!

I really am enjoying how freeing it is to get up each morning not having to figure out my meals for the day. I guess I've done enough parts work that the rebel who just couldn't do that in the beginning has stepped out of the way.

And I'm not stressing about how many days and night's I've stayed bright. It's enough to know I was bright yesterday, bright today, and plan to be bright tomorrow. It feels like I am finally building my bright line identity by following the plan one day at a time, instead of being on a diet.

Tonight I'm sending a prayer out into the universe, 'please let this be my moment, please help me stay the course.'  And finally, 'please let me sleep tonight!' 

BLE: Bright as a shiny new penny

Tonight I didn't eat my planned dinner. The kids went out for their dinner, and so brought in pizza for the grand's dinner before they left. I knew this would be a challenge, so I decided that I would have pizza for dinner too. The plan worked well and I had no desire to even nibble at the NMF sitting in the kitchen. I was even the one who packed it up and put it away after work. My cauliflower crust pizza had red sauce, spicy soyrizo, spinach, red onions and - the splurge of the day - Kalamata olives. I say splurge because my fat at dinner was the home made ranch dressing, a wonderful companion to my spicy pie. No cheese on the pizza meant I wasn't stuffed, but just pleasantly full after my dinner. I guess technically dinner was a little wobbly when it comes to my bright lines.

But I have had this before, and ordered knowing we had already analyzed this particular pizza and that the personal size vegetarian was a Bright 'one plate meal'; the ingredients are bright even if the portions are a little off. It leaves me satisfied and has never been a trigger for more, or for the 'real' thing. It's a win win in my book, even if it does light up my brain a little bit.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner) 

•  b: rice, beans & cheese, oranges
•  l:  chopped salad, meatballs, bleu cheese dressing, pears & blueberries
• d: pot roast, carrots, brussels sprouts, onions, celery

I don't usually plan two meat heavy dishes in the same day, but I woke up this morning craving pot roast - well, the veggies we cook with the roast actually - and so the plan is to slow cook one tomorrow with tons of veggies in the biggest roasting pan so there are left overs.  The meatball salads I have been having are so delicious, I knew I would be disappointed tomorrow if I didn't have one again - so there you have it.

It was a nice family night around here this evening. First exploring with Mario in the new (to us) Nintendo game that R downloaded this  morning, then watching the new sitcom, Ghosts, with the actress we liked in iZombie. I skipped out on a couple of hours of work, just too exhausted to crunch numbers, in order to do this and I will have to  make up the time tomorrow, but it was worth it.

It's a good feeling, having a couple of Bright days and nights under my belt. But it's also scary because this is when I usually break. But not tonight, I am focused and ready to question the hell out of any part who thinks they need a snack tonight. I am going to bed grateful for all I have, who I am, and all I have been. I am going to bed clear on why I want to do this. Peace, health, cute jeans, and sleep.

BLE: Doing the work - Bright Line Freedom

I am a Bright Liner

I want to have peace of mind around food

I want to walk without pain

I want to have better bloodwork

I want to wear size 12 jeans

I want to sleep better

Reading this list of why I want to lose weight, and checking off each day that I do read it in my gratitude journal is becoming a better habit. And I find myself repeating the list at odd times after first trying to remember what they are! Wait a minute, what was the first one? Oh yea, peace of mind. Then what? Hmmm...  and so on. And then repeating them in order. It's so crazy, it's as though a part of me doesn't want me to have access to this list so I actually won't remember why I want to lose weight.  

Which brings me to my parts work yesterday. I fought hard to not put just one more cookie in my mouth. There it was, sitting all alone on the counter in a snack cup - which makes me feel good now that I think about it that Cal can leave a cookie uneaten! Go him! Anyway, I reached out to my tough chick and asked, is this you that wants to eat the cookie? Because I really don't want it. But she just looked over to a younger child, slowly shaking her head. "This is you?" I ask the little girl quietly, and the memory surfaced unbidden. Her memory, her sadness, her need to fill.

It's easy to see that we have different parts inside of us, being born of trauma while our personalities were developing as babes and children - throughout our whole lives really. But to realize that they have distinct and separate personalities from our 'own true selves' is a little disturbing. They can highjack my brain? My thoughts? My intentions? Yes, it turns out they can.  I met this new one yesterday. She is about eleven years old, and writing 'dirty' words on the bathroom wall in lipstick. It's a vague memory, the actual deed, but what I remember most clearly is being lined up with my brother and sister and interrogated by our parents as to whom had done this thing - as if it was intended to hurt them.

I see now that I was screaming out for attention, for someone to notice that my brother was molesting me and to make it stop. Why we can't find words to just ask for help is beyond me to understand. I know as an adult that it's the most difficult thing in the world to speak truth to power to those closest to us. There must be a survival mechanism at work here that keeps the words from leaving our mouths. Don't rock the boat or you will be thrown off? I don't know why it's such a strong trait,  but it has done me a great disservice both in my childhood and in my more mature years. If only we could just speak plainly and truthfully more often. but I digress.

I thought briefly about apologizing to my mother and siblings, but there has been enough grief around this topic (the molestation, not the lipstick) and I have no wish to open this wound. I think realizing why I did it and forgiving that little girl who stood with her lips sealed instead of confessing under pressure is the important part of this revelation. Because I do forgive her. She tried hard in her own way to ask for help, and I have to respect that. No longer will I feel guilt for not confessing when pressed to do so. Could it really have been such a mystery? Didn't my parents suspect? No one ever reached out to me wondering why anyone would do such a thing. No. Just the interrogation, like we had done something horrible to them.  There is a relief in me, letting that go, loving that little girl and finally after a life of guilt letting her know I understand and forgive and accept what she did on our behalf. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been a 'present' weight in my life - just a memory that would pop up from time to time that was filled with regret and extreme guilt that I wasn't able to tell the truth. Being more clear of mind and doing my parts work has let me really see the bigger picture this time the memory surfaced, that's all.

I go to this little girl, huddled on cold tile, straggly sun-kissed hair drooping around her face, and lift her chin. Wipe away her tears. Sit with her and hold her close. I let her know how brave she was, and how thankful I am she was strong enough to try to help. I let her know we are older now, and ready to leave all this behind us. We get up and take a walk outside around to the back of the house where my grandfather once had a garden. I show her the sunflowers growing tall and bright, and tell her my secret. "You can put your sorrows into the seeds of those flowers, and they will turn into little black birds and fly away. And you can stay and play in the garden whenever you want; we can be happy now." And I leave her there digging peacefully in the dirt, the sun shining on her face.

She is not the first part to release pain in that garden, and I can't help but wonder if there are more to come. And so the healing continues.

Today's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner) Yesterday was so good it's just a repeat

•  b: rice, beans & cheese, oranges
•  l:  chopped salad, meatballs, bleu cheese dressing, pears & blueberries
• d: soyrizo, chili corn mix, cream cheese

Another Bright night under my belt. Go Me.