BLE: Bootie Camp - Module 7

This Boot Camp module is about modifying the program to fit you, your life, your needs. But first she is very clear about the program. It works just as written. And it's doable for the long run one day at a time, but it's not for the feint of heart. Am I feint of heart? Is that why I haven't stuck to the plan? Or is it because I haven't gotten coaching around why I'm unable to follow the plan as written? My goal right now is to work through this and figure that out.

Modify the program: This should be narrow, well defined, and designed to serve me in the long term. Motives matter, and the higher we are on the susceptibility scale (SS) the less we should mess with the plan. I'm a blazing ten for sure, but I have wanted to change the program from the beginning. More about that later.

The four questions: When introducing a new food be sure to pay attention by asking these four questions.  1. Do I have peace around it or is it lighting me up?  2. Is it healthy?  3. Is it messing with my weight?  4. Is it escalating?  If NO is the answer to the first three, or YES is the answer to number four then this is not something you should be eating. We are trying to heal from dopamine resistance, not seeking new hits.  I've known all along that cheese lights me up, as does peanut butter. They are often part of the reason I have to rezoom each morning. Clearly addictive for me, which is why it's so hard to give them up, but I see that it must be done. Heaven help me.

Plan wisdom:  This plan isn't a nod to hope, it's based on thousands of years experience. Or as she says, from the experience of thousands of people working a program for decades. And I am living testimony to her thoughts on messing with the plan. Don't do it, it can be heartbreakingly hard to get back on program. "The power of food addiction is that sometimes you can't put the tiger back in the cage."  The plan as written is easy when you stick to it, it only becomes hard when you break your lines. That is when you lose the magic, and some people never get it back.      I refuse to be that person, I will get it back. I will.

It's Hard:  Losing your favorite numbing agent, facing life without it, is hard. It just is, and sometimes it takes a long time. So true. I think my first memory of using food as a drug was when I was about 10? I am sneaking up the wooden stairs that lead from my bedroom to the kitchen, being quiet and careful to miss the creaky bits. Then quietly getting into the fridge and getting out slices of cheese, or even better a slice of cheese and a slice of leftover roast. The memory of that first bite says with me even today; the texture and taste of that bite are preserved like a bug in amber within me. Funny that I can't remember if I ate my snack (purloined goods?) in the kitchen or if I slunk back down to my bed to eat. It's just sneaking up the stairs and that bite. I know now that it was a numbing agent used to get through being molested by my brother. But it wasn't until BLE and the lifting of the brain fog that I was able to make that connection. Then came doing parts work and I really felt like I was making progress. I need to make a note to myself here that while my childhood home is gone, visiting my Mother still triggers me. I'm going to live with her full time starting this September, and I am actually looking forward to doing some more parts work and putting this behind me. That little girl is still a part of me, but we've done some healing together, and it's time to move on.

Come all the way in and sit all the way down: Sometimes it takes a while for the bran to heal - she restates this many times in the module- and there is no shame of blame associated with your journey. "Take an honest look at your actions and plan." I think honesty is one of the ways I am growing. I think quieting the 'rationalizer' part that wants to lie to me all the time has been one of my successes. There are still a couple I need to work with, to love and bring into the fold, and again, I'm looking forward to more parts work. The healing ritual of pretty little black birds flying away with my seeds of pain and doubt and nightmare comes to me often and lightens my soul.

Clothes:  Wait until goal weight to buy a new wardrobe. 

Losing Slow: Choose lighter foods. Lose the starchy veggies, nut butters, and oil.  lol, all of the things that light me up!  Losing slowly better prepares you for maintenance, it's not a bad thing. If fact it's better than losing quickly and then not being prepared for the sudden change.

Sleep:  Not getting enough sleep can stall weight-loss.  This continues to be a problem. I don't want to go in for a sleep study because I know losing weight will solve the problem. But will I be able to lose weight if I don't solve the sleep problem?  Once I am down south and have a new doctor I will address this. I promise.

Cycle of Honesty:  Awareness >> Inventory >> Sharing >>  Freedom.  This is one of the benefits of working in a small group, you have somewhere to share, get feedback, and find freedom from angst when making a change.  This is the later I referenced earlier. Last night in Bootie Camp I spoke a little about depression and my history with food addiction, and how I missed my morning green smoothies. We discussed a bit about how we don't blend foods in BLE, but for my circumstances (depression) it was agreed that I would try this for a week. And I even have company! I have a green smoothie buddy! We will chat everyday, analyze how we are doing, and keep asking the four questions. 

There are no outside Issues:  We are doing BLE through everything and anything. Connect, share, explore, it all matters. This is not a diet club, it's a food addiction recovery program where we can learn to walk through life with love and integrity and Bright Lines.

Motives:  You can go anywhere and do anything if your motives are pure 💙

Each week in Bootie Camp I become more hopeful. I know I can do this.  But I need to run, a child is waiting for me to help him defeat a bad guy on the switch.

BLE: Bootie Camp - Module 6

This module is about traveling, and the main point is that you need to plan. "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail" as the old adage goes. The strongest statement was that you must do whatever it takes to keep your Bright Lines.

The only traveling I do is back and forth to my Mother's. Sometimes I do well, and eat my packed meals as I drive up and down Highway 5. Other times I have let my narrator run wild and have used the trip to eat fast food. Other times it's a little of each. But the truth is that when I plan to succeed I do. And when I don't, I fail. So there is the truth in that!

Another important idea is that when you travel you don't just take your food, you take the whole program. I will say that in each of the bags I normally use to travel I keep a pen, glasses, and a small journal so that I am never unprepared. I also take my computer with me so I can work during my visits, but to also stay connected with the BLE community. Each day at some point I sign on to give support where I can, thereby strengthening my own resolve. I am hoping that at some point the cumulative result of these small efforts will be a more solid mindset for myself.

Meditation:  I try to do this every morning, sometimes longer than others, but at least for a few minutes to start each day.

Nightly check list:  I have tried, and I cannot do this. It becomes about what I am not doing and getting frustrating, and succumbing to the WTH effect which ends up in me stuffing my face. Not good.  Instead I have kept my habit stacks small and doable. I cannot let BLE take over my life, for me that would defeat the whole purpose of finding freedom.

Reader: Another fail on my part, I just can't read 'inspirational' gobbeldy gook - it makes me crazy. Instead I listen to music while I work and 'do a little dance' when the mood strikes. I would rather find something to make me laugh than reading something that tells me I am okay. Seriously.

Brain Fog: She speaks to this lifting as we detox from sugar and flour. And this did happen for me. I believe this is what made it possible for me to do parts work in BLE Freedom, and to re-evaluate some pivotal moments in my past; some healed and some with work still to do, with finally a clear mind. The times I have given up and eaten whatever for a few days I feel horrible both physically and mentally - depression a lurking side effect of eating badly. And yes, I can just hear the voices berating me for saying 'eating badly'. So how about I say, when I disregard the SCIENCE that shows why eating certain foods results in depression, it makes me feel badly. How about that.

Habits:  These form the foundation and scaffolding of the program, letting automaticity take root. Stacking habits that are linked together by time and location cues strengthens our willpower muscle. It doesn't extend willpower, it strengthens it. So that just saying no becomes easier. So that turning away from what hurts us is easier. So that we are more resistant to willpower depletion as we go through the day checking emails and making a million little decisions. I've been more aware lately of how often I make decisions. Take this afternoon in the pool with the grandkids. C has just learned to swim, so I am monitoring him and making decisions about where I am in the pool;  am I close enough to save him , am I too far away for safety. It's constant.

So there are things I am doing that seem to work for me, and others that I am not because they make me nuts. Sometimes I have to look at the program with a side of common sense and trust that I know what is best for me. Maybe that is why I am not being successful, but I choose to think that it's just taking me longer. Because a part of me is just that stubborn.

BLE: Bootie Camp - Module 4

I realized last night that my increasingly persistent cough felt familiar in a most unwelcomed way and may be more than just Covid lingering. I rose from my bed where I was coughing instead of sleeping, turned on the light, and found the inhaler marked 'urgent' on the side. Relief was almost immediate, as was the best night's sleep I've had in ages. This  morning I used the everyday inhaler and will continue to do so to ward off the asthma. Normally the asthma only appears in the Spring, triggered by allergies, but it makes sense that Covid could do the same.

I don't like the way steroids make me feel, and in the past I would counter that anxious feeling by calming myself with food. But now I am aware of that pitfall, and instead of grabbing a snack I am focusing my attention here. We meet tonight to go over the fourth module so this is a good time to review.

Module 4

This is mostly about eating out with specific notes and tips for specific restaurant types, but there is also a section on eating at home with others who are not bright liners.

Eating Out: The first time through Boot Camp I sort of skipped through because years ago while eating for nutrition and living with a partner who liked to eat out I learned to navigate those waters. Really the bottom line is speaking with your server, asking menu questions, and requesting substitutions. As SPT pointed out, sometimes just tell them up front you can't eat flour or sugar and to help you with suggestions from the menu. Trying to be a better student this time I did pick up a couple of things that will be helpful should I ever start eating out again! For instance, at a Chinese restaurant you can ask if the dish tastes sweet to determine the sugar level in the sauce. Something I have done before is to get the dish I want (Kung Pao Tofu) and also a side of stir fry veggies to mix in to raise the ratio of veg to protein.

There was a lot of common sense stuff; dressing on the side, skip the cheese on salads if you've already chosen a protein, ask for an extra plate (I would ask for a to-go container up front) so you only keep in front of you your bright meal.

Eating In:  If you have a partner and they are not eating the same as you, do  your own cooking. Be responsible for what you put in your mouth, and keep your eyes on your own plate. This is something I took to heart in the beginning, and would batch cook for myself on Sundays and Wednesdays. This meant my dinner was ready to pop in to reheat so I was out of the kitchen quickly, leaving the space clear for the family to cook their meal. But lately when I am tired I ask to be included with their dinner order, or to share what they are making at home. The exhaustion from Covid is no joke, and I am so grateful to have family here to lean on. That being said, I have broken a few lines over the past couple of weeks while sharing meals. But I'm back to keeping my eyes on my own plate, and even made a batch of soup this past weekend to last me a couple of days.

Family:  I love her take on feeding the family. Make a bright meal, add a bowl of starch for kids or anyone who wants it, and done. Easy Peasy.

Garbage:  She mentions the old habit of popping food into your mouth instead of throwing it out so as to not waste it. The bottom line is that we are not garbage cans, so don't treat ourselves as such. Better the extra food be tossed, or saved for a future soup pot.

That was about it. I learned a couple of new things, but mostly it was just a review for me. It did make me want to eat out, to actually go to a restaurant, sit down and be waited on, and leave the dishes for someone else to wrangle. Right now that just sounds divine.

Time to go prep dinner.

BLE: Bootie Camp - Module 3

I'm still getting over Covid, and the lethargy is alarming. I don't want to write, I just want to lie down and rest all of the time. And I will get back to that after reviewing my notes for Module 3.  

Module 3    

JFTP: Just follow the plan and surround yourself with others who are doing the same, build an identity of someone succeeding long term. This is difficult, because a part of me doesn't accept, or want to accept, that I am a food addict. It just feels wrong despite all science to the contrary. I think about the years spent eating for nutrition and how it felt right, organic so to say.

Gratitude: Every day is a gift, be grateful for it.  I feel that I've always lived in gratitude, especially for the natural beauty around me, but also for the creature comforts. I think this comes from having Summers at Lake Arrowhead and then losing it when I moved North. Living in San Francisco with little means I saw how fortunate I had been, and to not take things for granted. That lesson has stayed with me my whole life. What I discovered in BLE is that I rebel against writing it down. Yes the sunset is gorgeous, yes I treasure every hug from the grandkids, and yes I appreciate that I have the means to keep a warm bed and good food on the table. But writing it down? It doesn't feel sincere anymore, but forced, and so I will keep my gratitude where it belongs, ever present in the daily aspects of my life.

Actions: Learning to trust myself by watching myself do positive things. There is science about observed behavior, and learning to trust that we value self-care is a big step in the right direction for confidence. Every meal is an opportunity to feel better, and to see ourselves feeling better, reinforcing the behavior of remaining Bright.

Community: Be someone who belongs. Much like writing here I found that posting too much makes my hyper critical and I end up whining. But I do like signing on and encouraging others, and hopefully I will bond with the group in Bootie Camp. The founder of our group feels like a kindred spirit, so that is a good start.

Omega 3s:  The brain needs them, and can't get enough when it's overloaded with Omega 6s - mostly from the processed vegetable (soy) oils in fast food, snacks, and most packaged food in the center isles of the grocery store. And there is a direct link between this imbalance and depression. Self diagnosed with a lifelong low-grade depression this makes sense.  Years ago I started adding flax meal and spinach to my morning smoothies along with blueberries and it really made a difference in my moods and attitude. So when I feel blue I know exactly what to do, I just need to make it a habit to stay out of the danger zone. One of the things I wonder about is adding those smoothies back to my daily food despite the science against blending meals. And I am considering an algae supplement.

Chewing: This is the most interesting part of the module to me, that chewing promotes the production of neurons in the hippocampus - in other words, making new brain cells. Lord knows I need those and I think about it every time I have a plate of raw veggies in front of me now. I don't remember this from the original boot camp, so I either missed it, or it has been added to the module since 2019.

Compassion:  Easy to have with others, and learning to have some towards myself has been a learning process. But I do practice self-compassion now, and it has become part of how I rezoom. There is no longer shame around doing less than perfect.  And it turns out community triggers self-compassion, another reason support is so vital.

Meals:  SBT talks about regular meal times, and that is something I have been practicing. In the beginning it was easy; breakfast on the way to work, a packed lunch at 11am, and premade dinner (often) upon arriving home around 4:30. This made a natural fasting time of 5pm to 7am. Now that I work from home I eat at 8am, 11am, and 4pm giving me a slightly larger fasting window of about 16 hours. The problem is when I add that fourth meal after work around 9pm. Not good, and something I need to keep working on with my parts, because it's not eating from hunger - it's something else - and while I know I've made progress it's also become apparent that it's not a one and done healing. You have to keep doing the work for it to keep working. Ha!  Anyway, I like the idea of healing while I sleep and of having a longer fasting window; another thing that just feels right.

Permission to be human:  My reflections on this module is that it's all about accountability, and it's most obvious here where we are to dissect exactly what led up to eating off plan and what we learned from it. I've never been good at this, hating that I need to examine my actions and be accountable for them. It's much easier to just NOT do that. But if you always do what you always did you'll always get what you always got.  A great maxim from network marketing days, and true for everything.  So I will try to be accountable to myself and the group, and to learn from my mistakes, or slips, or whatever I am calling it these days. Mostly they are just, "oh well" moments - and very deadly. So this is my lesson, and I will work on it.

That's all for now, I've run out of energy.

BLE: Bootie Camp - Modules 1 & 2

When I first read Bright Line Eating it struck a chord that reverberated throughout my whole being like a clarion call and I was indeed moved to action. Here it is almost three years later and I have come a long way; learned about my parts and to love my Rebel. Learned how to respect what works for me and what doesn't, and that was by learning to listen to my own true self, or as BLE would say it, my authentic self. But what I haven't done is taken off the weight that is negatively impacting my weight. So maybe this isn't right for me? But maybe it is.

Recently in my MMG one of the group said she was divorcing BLE and was studying Instinctive Eating - she no longer would be told what, when, and how to eat. It really made me think, but it didn't take long to recognize we are at different places and that I could respect her decision while making my own. And my own was to immerse myself back into BLE, because it dawned on me that I am choosing to follow the plan. I need to lose weight to lift the burden my arthritic back is carrying - I need to be out of pain. And BLE can get the weight off. But that's not all. I really do appreciate my brain when it's off drugs (sugar & flour) and the shift in perspective it affords me. More positive, less moody, more inclined to pay attention to self care instead of wallowing in a pity pool

Having made this decision it was easy to embrace the Bootie Camp just started by another BLE buddy. The first time I went through Boot Camp I discovered my Rebel and felt like I was being dragged kicking and screaming through an exercise in futility.  Bootie camp is going through the Boot Camp modules again, but this time together as a small group. I think there are about ten of us which will afford us the time to get to know one another and give & take the support we need. The original Boot Camp had hundreds of members in it and I just isolated, totally overwhelmed, and could never connect with the group. I feel that the parts work I have done, in combination with what I now know about myself, brings me to a place that I can appreciate what I missed the first time around, and discard without shame or regret the parts that don't serve me.

Noes below on the first two modules, what I find important this time around and reflections on what I have learned as each topic arises. I hope these will be my journaling prompts for the next eight weeks.

Module 1:     

Be unstoppable: We do this one day at a time (ODAAT). I feel that the two years I spent maintaining the original 30# loss was a lesson in 'Rezooming'. No matter what I ate or did during the day or evening I would wake up optimistic and ready to be Bright every morning. Interestingly enough, this morning I did not. I felt I knew what to do, but had no manic energy to predict the rest of the day. Sometimes it's not one day at a time, but one meal, or moment, or second at a time. It just all feels possible, and it's a good feeling.

Have an Emergency Action Plan (EAP): I never wrote this down the first time around, but I did last week:

    Human connection:  grab a child to hug or wrestle or swim
    Prayer:  ask the Universe for help
    Meditation: do breath work to settle my parts
    Gratitude:  just be thankful, just take a moment to be in love with my world
    Service:  make a phone call or sign on to check group messages
    Distraction:  play a game or get outside & water the garden

Sanctity. Create self-care practices that support my True North. I've never thought of self-care as creating a sanctuary, but that is what it does. Surrounding myself with habits that are solely to take care of myself and not about anyone else has been enlightening. Hearing all of the 'oxygen mask' talk for the last 20 years or so just felt like hype for being selfish. Now I know the truth, we need to take care of ourselves mentally & physically.

Module 2:    

Commit Food:  I have never been able to do this, not wanting to feel like a pretender or liar when I couldn't eat 'only and exactly' what I had committed. But this time I want to work the program, and with help I downloaded the Messenger App on my phone and learned how to snap a pic of my food for the next day and post it to the group.

Counting Days: For me there is no Day One. No 100 day colouring pages, no marking off Bright Days or hearts on a calendar. It's triggering for my Rebel - she won't be told what to do. Instead I focus on just the one next meal, and feel good about it being Bright, and that the last meal I had was Bright, and that the next one I make will be Bright. It's a relief knowing I can live in the present and not stress about what I will have to report.

Body Scale:  SPT suggests weighing monthly, and then weekly as you approach maintenance so you can manage your 'Adds.'  I started weighing my body weekly. Then as I lost my Brightness I only weighed if I felt lighter. I tried putting the scale in the garage and weighed monthly, and finally I stopped weighing my body. The food chatter was too great, the number too inflammatory. No matter what the number a part of me was ready to go crazy and I had had enough.  I did weigh at my Mom's in February confirming I was still at 202 - the same exact weight on the same scale from two years earlier. And I think it was a trigger for me, Two months later I had gained 15 pounds - half of my original weight lost! NO MORE. No more body scale. My clothes will tell the tale.

Meditation: It has been a relief to finally add this to my daily routine. Once I learned you don't have to use a meditation bench or sit cross legged I embraced it. And realized I've been using mantras to meditate for quite a while. First as a child to self-soothe, then after reading Eat Pray Love I began to use Elizabeth Gilbert's mantras. After reading up on breathing, I added breath work (4 in through the nose, count to two, seven out through the mouth) to ground myself before slowing my breath and relaxing was key.

Daily Reader:  I tried, and all of the positivity just annoyed me. I need to find some poetry or something that is beautiful without being preachy.

Habit Stacks: Slowly but surely I have developed these. Besides my AM and PM stacks below I eat everyday at the same time, 8am, 11am, and 4pm.  This ensures I have breakfast before the kids need me, that I prepare my lunch and get out of the kitchen before my daughter takes her lunch at noon (she works from home) and finally that I eat dinner prior to starting my evening job at 5 and still have time to tidy up the kitchen.  

AM  Meditation, O'Tropin, Pills, Dandelion Tea with Collagen, breakfast, PT Exercises

PM   Commit Food for the next day to my Bootie Camp group, Pills, brush teeth, O'Tropin

That's all for now, just enjoying a quiet Monday morning and getting my thoughts together for our Bootie Camp call this evening.