BLE and the Baking Debrief

 Waking up knowing  you've had a bright day, and that your food is planned to have another one, gives a sense of solidarity of purpose, a confidence that one day I will be in my bright body.

Yesterday went swimmingly. I did no baking, but kept the dishes caught up between batches, and perched on the corner of the living room couch (a usual place, not a pre-meditated one) in case there was anything I could do to help. But they had everything handled, and aside from one scraping of hot caramel while R held the bowl there wasn't really anything for me to do. Which was good, because shopping is still rather exhausting.

The win for the day was the calm I experienced. Not feeling like I should be helping more, no food chatter in my brain about what I would or would not eat of the many treats on the list. Just calm. And gratitude, so grateful to feel a part of the chaos.  The need to control anything that happens in this house has been fading since the decision to move South. I really feel it is their home now, and my sense of ownership is just a small piece of bedrock in the back of my mind.

When my BLE brain in onboard, it's an easy thing. I don't feel the energy of my food controller, telling me what I won't do, and I hear nothing from my indulger, their constant whispering about what I will do simply silenced. I just felt like my own true self; enjoying family, the cozy home we share, and the banter amongst us a great comfort. I will miss these things when I go, and it will be up to me to create that atmosphere with Mom.

Pozole. The instant pot soup I made yesterday wasn't really Pozole, it was more just pork soup with hominy. Next time I will make it the day before so I can remove some of the fat from the broth, but it was delicious. and before I measure out today's lunch from the leftovers I will remove what fat I can. 

Recipe: Sauté in the instant pot on medium three small yellow onions and one large Pasillo pepper in a small amount of avocado oil until the onion is translucent. Add one quart of chicken stock and scrap up any brown bits, then sprinkle dried oregano across the broth in one light layer. (No, I didn't measure.) Stir and keep on sauté while cutting up the boneless pork shoulder. It was a large roast, and I trimmed off the thick cap of fat before cutting it into about eight large chunks. Add carefully to onion mixture, seal lid of instant pot, and set for 90 minutes (or 1:30).  Natural release for 30 minutes before releasing the pressure.

Open the pot and remove the tender meat, setting aside into a casserole dish to keep warm. Add 2 large cans of hominy to the pot, some chili powder and cumin then give a nice stir. Start adding back the meat to the pot, removing the most obvious chunks of fat that have separated from the meat. Another gentle stir, reseal the lid, and set to warm.

This was easy to pull out and measure first the meat, and then the hominy, and finally the broth. The last 2 ounces of veg was fresh green cabbage sliced up on top. The kids ate theirs later with servings of the white Jasmine rice I had made.  The soup was so good, but next time I want to make a real Pozole with chilies. Today I'll make Spanish rice with those leftovers and pack it up with spicy refried beans for some instant breakfasts.

It's so lovely to be in a positive mood, to know my bright breakfast is just minutes away, and to admire the grey morning outside my window; the neighborhood decorated with frost on the rooftops and lawns all the way down the block and onto the wild expanse of weeds and bare-branched trees that was once a golf course. Thank heavens for our small cozy home.

Pizza Bowl: cabbage & salami

1T avocado oil

 1/2 green cabbage

2 yellow onions 

1oz salami slices

1oz parmesan cheese

Artichoke hearts

Cut onions into strips by first halving then slicing from the round edges. Warm up sauté pan, then add oil, warm for another minute before adding onion strips. Cut cabbage into similar sized strips and set aside. Do likewise with the salami slices and set them aside.

Once onions are translucent and beginning to brown on some edges add in the cabbage and give it a stir. Continue to stir every so often until cabbage wilts to desired texture, about15 minutes. Stir in spices, a layer of each sprinkled across mixture or to taste:

    Fennel seed, oregano, mushroom mix, Bragg's 24 herb & spice mix

Put glass baking dish on food scale and zero out. Add onions and cabbage mixture, marinara, and artichoke hearts to desired weight. This will depend on the flavour profile you want. I opt for more artichoke hearts. 

If splitting veggies 10 & 10 between lunch and dinner this may look like:

    7oz onion & cabbage mix, 2oz marinara, 1oz artichoke hearts OR
     6oz onion & cabbage mix, 2oz marinara, 2oz artichoke hearts

If having full 14oz veggies for dinner you may want:

    9oz onion & cabbage mix, 3oz marinara, 2oz artichoke hearts  OR
     8oz onion & cabbage mix, 3oz marinara, 3z artichoke hearts

Once weight is achieved, stir everything together, then use a rubber spatula to scrap sides of baking dish clean to keep from burning in oven. Evenly spread salami slices over top, then the parmesan cheese. Bake at 350 until desired crispness, maybe 20 minutes.

Note: you don't have to use oil to sauté the vegetables and it will still be delicious. Instead stir 1oz of mozzarella cheese into the cabbage mixture before adding salami and parmesan.

BLE: Chile Rellenos made Bright

Last night I weighed out two breakfast servings of Rice, egg, cheese & Chiles. My glass containers are perfect for prepping dishes like this, so it's easy to throw in the microwave for a quick and delicious breakfast. Each container had 4oz left over cooked rice, about a tablespoon of mild chipped green chilies, one slice of pepper jack cheese crumbled, and about .2oz of parmesan ea to bring the half protein servings up to 1oz. One egg, raw and whisked, was stirred into each dish for the final allotment of protein and then the dishes were covered and in the fridge.

This morning I scooped 2oz of salsa on the top of mine, and microwaved it for three minutes. It was wonderful. A little heavier on the stomach than is a usual Bright Line breakfast, but that is just the nature of rice.

I had the last of my spicy stew for lunch, and there is bean stoup in the fridge for dinner tonight. In the morning I'll do my shopping from the list I will make today - and having woken this morning thinking about keeping meals more simple this week I'm not sure yet what that will look like. Meatballs and steamed broccoli comes to mind, but I need a meatless recipe so that will be my google assignment while C is down for his nap. Maybe a bean/meat hybrid...

Last night was not good, and bread an butter was the reason. When A mentioned only the heels were left of the loaf of Dave's seeded bread, I should have just thrown them out. But instead my saboteur tucked away the note that the kids wouldn't eat them. Which of course meant that when I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night eventually that note was presented to me. I did lay in bed and ask the indulger part why, and didn't they know this would hurt me, but the bigger part at that moment was marching around with a big sign that said, 'I DON'T CARE' in bold Helvetica print.

Pulling out my little paper journal, I see that I only had three bright days behind me, so not much of a stretch. But let me put that in to perspective. The prior 100 days that I tracked only had ten bright days all told. Not much to brag about. Mostly Bright days broken by midnight snacks that were NOT flour or sugar. Currently I am on day 64 of my next 100 days, and there are already 23 brightly highlighted boxes; fully 50% Bright so far. So no shame or blame, just back to day one again this morning.

And I just realized what probably happened. Yesterday I wrote about wearing size XL at Christmas. That probably invoked my Rebel part who comes out to protect me whenever it's noticeable that I may be getting smaller. Speaking of which, I seem to have lost the extra little folds of fat from my back! I was checking out the back of my hair yesterday when I noticed that they were missing, so two indicators of my body changing back towards the sexy me I was when I was abused and taken advantage of in younger years.

But I am not that little girl anymore, nor a young impressionable woman, and I will keep working with the protector part of me to reassure them I can now take care of myself, and that I am no longer in danger.

And so the parts work continues in Bright Line Freedom.

BLE: Not pizza for lunch

 This was so delicious, and I made it two days in a row for lunch. I have a feeling it will become a staple.

Season a pan of green peppers & red onions cut into quarter inch strips with oregano, basil, fennel seed, rosemary, sage & thyme. ( I drizzled on a bit of olive oil and used my hands to mix it all together well.) Roast to your preference, I use 350 for 45 minutes.

Layer 6oz of the  cooked veggies on a glass or microwave safe plate. Mine was about 8" in diameter. Spoon over 2oz of no sugar marinara sauce, 3/4oz mozzarella cheese and 1/4oz parmesan, and 1oz of turkey pepperoni. Cube and add over top 6oz of pineapple.

Microwave until hot through and the cheese has 'fried' a little bit. I cooked mine on high for six minutes total. It was delicious and probably too sexy for BLE, but on plan and so very satisfying. The next time I make a batch I'll add cherry tomatoes to the roasting pan. It makes me think of the kabobs my Mother made when I was little that had those little smoky sausages, cherry tomatoes, green peppers, onions, and pineapple on them. Those flavours together have definitely not gone out of style.

I was reading part of another blog this evening about someone who had lost weight on BLE, but had dropped out because she was never satisfied after a meal. I won't be that person. Even if I give up a little of the 'freedom' part of Happy, Thin & Free by making food that is technicaly too sexy, it will still be a much better life than I have had the last 40+ years.

My daughter is also losing weight on Bright Line Eating, and she is ordering Christmas Pajamas in size XL for us. I still have my XXXL polar bear flannel pajamas and they are ridiculously big on me. But even knowing that, I have a hard time imagining that I will fit into XL pajamas this year. But I know by keeping my lines Bright it can, and will, happen.

What a happy thought!

BLE: Fasting and Love

I love how so many lessons I have learned during my years eating for nutrition and searching for answers to better health all show up in Bright Line Eating, and in Susan's Facebook Live today she answered questions for over two hours and one of the topics was about the healing our bodies do overnight. She suggested that we could break our fast with water in the mornings in order to extend the healing time gained by fasting. There is a Bright Line for meals, meaning we only eat three meals a day, and never a bite after dinner. "Front loading' our meals is suggested - eating earlier rather than later in the day - to optimize the fasting period at night and I have slipped into the rhythm of having my meals about 7, 11, and 4 each day or thereabouts. This gives me on average about 15 hours each night where my immune system can work on healing me.

So in essence, Intermittent Fasting.

Years ago I would make a point of drinking a glass of water first thing in the morning. It's such a wonderful sensation to feel your body hydrate and come alive inside. So another habit to reform, water first thing in the morning. Maybe that extra hour or two of fasting will help with the inflammation that is still causing pain in my knees and hips. At least I hope that's what it is. So many years of pounding away with an extra hundred pounds or so leaves me afraid there is damage in there.

But I am hoping for inflammation and that the pain will be receding soon.

It was a challenging day keeping up with C, the house, everything in general. But I did not taste a bit of the various chocolate items I had purchased at the store in hopes of tempting C into eating something. (He has barely eaten anything this week and had asked for chocolate sticks. I did not buy KitKats.) I did not steal a bite of A's grilled cheese she left half uneaten on the dining room table. And it wasn't hard. Not really. The thought came, "Just pick it up and take a bite, it will be so crunchy and delicious." And my answer was a kind, "No thanks, we will just feel badly about it later. Let's stay Bright instead."  And there was no argument. Just love and compassion towards the part of me that wanted the bite was enough to calm the urge and silence the voice. Just Awesome. Bright Line Freedom at work.

I did some cooking this morning; Andouille sausage in the instant pot with lots of kale & onions, and some potato. Creole seasoning, Mrs. Dash Onion blend, red pepper flakes & Cardamom went in with a couple cups of chicken broth. Cooked on high for 40 minutes, then a quick release. I measured out three meals consisting of:

3oz Adzuki beans (canned), 2oz Sausage, 2oz potato, 4oz kale & onions, 3\4 cup broth.

It feels better splitting my protein, and eventually I imagine I will be mostly vegetarian. But in the meantime I was very happy with my lunch and glad there are two more meals ready to go. The rest of the sausage and the veggies are stored separately in the fridge to combine as desired into more meals.

Better get back to work. Big Sigh.

BLE: Sweet potato custard

 It was a long busy day, but the important part for this post is that there was not a can of pumpkin to be found at the grocery store. Nada, zip, zilch. And I wanted pumpkin custard for breakfast tomorrow. So I picked up a butternut squash, decided it would be too watery for custard, and grabbed a red garnet yam. Or sweet potato if you will.

This evening I cooked the yam in the microwave, and weighed it on the food scale. Checking the quantity for a serving of fruit, I realized that this was not counted as a fruit like pumpkin is, but as a grain. So started from scratch.

This is three each of grain and protein, plus a smidge of fruit: 12oz sweet potato, 4eggs, 8oz half n half (should have been milk but oh well), 1tsp vanilla, a healthy shake of pumpkin pie spice mix,  and 4oz of chopped medjool dates. The dates will be subtracted from whatever 6oz of fruit we add to breakfast. I was thinking of adding in a ripe banana, but no - wrong flavour profile. The custard is sitting in the fridge overnight so the dates will soften and I can whip them in with the immersion blender in the morning. Then I'll bake off the custards in a warm water bath for an hour at 350 for a hot luscious breakfast. This might be too sexy for a Bright Line Meal, but it is what it is. I'm also a little worried it will be too heavy of a breakfast, but time will tell.

Tired, but glad to have a bright day behind me after staying bright the night before. I think I am over a short lived rebellion after Joey's birthday and back on track. I can't believe it's been almost a year since I opted out of sugar and flour. Well, mostly opted out. There have been a few sidebars along the way. But I am still glad I've not regained any weight, glad I joined the Bright Line Freedom class, and glad to be making progress with my 'parts'. I still know this is the right thing to do, and still have confidence the weight will continue to come off.

I am no longer a person who eats sugar and flour; it's just not worth it.

BLE: Committing my food

The Instant Pot is full to the Max line with black beans I pre-cooked earlier this morning for 30 minutes, a large red onion, a med green bell pepper, a large zucchini, a can of roasted diced tomatoes, a small can of tomato paste, a bay leaf, and various salt free seasonings including garlic powder and cumin. Vegetable broth to cover, which brought us to full.

I'll be able to pack away a container in the freezer, and keep one in the fridge for lunches next week. Already prepped are meal containers of squash & onions with meatballs. Lots of bananas and apples are on the kitchen counter, and there are frozen blueberries in the freezer.

I have eggs, green chilies, and mushrooms ready to bake a tray and divide into breakfast servings; divided between the fridge and freezer. It feels good to plan ahead. Oh, and there is a large tub of celery and cauliflower cleaned, chopped, and ready for salads.

I have never been good at committing my food nightly for the next day. I did try at the beginning, but that quickly evolved into journaling here the next day about what I ate the day before. So I am trying something new - despite the huge block of data that shows committing to food the night before leans into automaticity and not depleting will power. I don't know why this is a point of rebellion for me. Maybe because of the years I spent keeping food logs and breaking everything down in to calories, and macro nutrients and then adding calcium and fiber and OMG enough already.

Which leads into thinking about Identity Shift and how I see myself. Because I don't think of myself as someone who diets anymore. Years of not writing down my food, and eating for nutrition, and not denying myself anything were stepping stones towards where I am now. And while Bright Line Eating has given me focus and clarity on how my body works, and probably saved my life to boot, I still rebel at committing my food nightly. Hence this new approach. Committing my food weekly. Making sure that going into the week I have everything prepped and ready so that while I may be using willpower to make a decision, it's quick and painless. It's either pre-weighed into meal containers, or as with my batch of soup, ready to scoop and weigh.

Is drifting off the BLE plan a good idea? Probably not. So why am I doing it?  Because this feels sustainable. I just can't see myself writing down food for the rest of my life. I also can't see weighing my food for the rest of my life. How stubborn am I? But I can see myself using the 'one plate' option, and keeping bright lines against sugar, flour, and snacking.

I've been fighting against myself, a salmon swimming upstream in the wilderness of my brain. Bright Lines intact during the day, then a midnight snack of bread and butter, or Oreos, or pepperoni slices. I am staying within two pounds of my initial 20 pound loss, but not gaining ground - or losing ground, whatever. Partially it's the cortisol in the time of Covid-19, but mostly I feel it's because I have never laid down the new pathways in my brain that are needed to obliterate the voice of the saboteur. And in the middle of the night, groggy and susceptible to evil thoughts, I succumb. Not even really succumbing, more like planning ahead to fail. Insanity and all that.

So maybe for me, accepting that something isn't working, and figuring out just what it is that I can identify with, is the right thing to do. I feel that this is right for me, and I commit now to eating only the beautiful food I am preparing today for the week ahead.

Last night there was no midnight snack. Yesterday there were no bright lines broken. Another day One. I have the 100 day chart in my paper journal to prove it, the yellow highlighter a glowing review of a successful Bright Line day. And I am ready for today to be another such.

I wish I had someone to share this with, to talk about it, but I haven't been able to connect with anyone in the boot camp, despite support being an integral part of the program and sustained success. I will continue listening to the weekly vlogs, and facebook live replays, and try to post in my facebook group. But it's the need for conversation I crave, not cheer-leading, so I continue alone.

My goodness but the soup smells delicious!

Sun Dried Tomatoes

How do I forget from time to time how wonderful sun dried tomatoes are in ... everything! Today I made meatballs and I am sitting her anticipating the aroma from the oven once the heat starts baking them. Trying to save my back, I used the small food processor to chop the onions (red and yellow), peppers (red, yellow & orange), and aforementioned tomatoes before adding them to the ground sausage and beef. I added in Bragg's seasonings, some mushroom mix (dried mushrooms, sage, red pepper, salt) and lots of fresh ground pepper. I already know they will be delicious.

I've been adding veggies to my meatballs regularly for a couple of years now, loving how juicy and flavorful they become. I was leaning into an Italian flavour profile, so I am thinking roasted tomatoes for my vegetable with dinner. And I'll make fresh garlic dressing for my salad. It's nice to know dinner will be wonderful, full of real food, and satisfying to boot.

Speaking of food, I have been thinking about the Easter menu - the same every year of my life - and I am tempted to change out the ham for a pork shoulder. I need to decide before leaving work tomorrow as the plan is to shop on the way home.  I'm sure I have written many times before on the richness of the perfect Easter bite; ham, coleslaw, and brown bread. Rhiannon is going to make the brown bread as it has become astronomically expensive to order online. I think she is also baking savory rolls with cheese and sage - or was it basil -for our brunch. So yes, I may eat some bread tomorrow. May, not will, and therein lies the problem. I need to draw Bright Lines around Holidays.

So yes, holidays continue to be about food. No, that is wrong. Let us just say that food maintains it's historical place in our holidays. It's fun to have something special to share, and remember those who once shared it with you. I can remember my Grandmothers puttering around in their respective kitchens; Mommer baking pies and Grandmother baking beans. I think of my Mother scoring and adding cloves to a ham, and baking potatoes - au gratin? scalloped? - and wrapping the brown bread in foil to heat in the oven.

So yes, holiday food, and no apologies. But my portions will be different, and there will be no gorging until I feel like passing out. Even the slip ups I have endured this week have not been about stuffing myself, but rather about taming the shrew. It may be the normal amount of stress the whole world is experiencing right now with the Covid-19 Pandemic, and sheltering in place. Or it may be the new Yerba Matte tea I am drinking in the morning that is waking me up at night and propelling me towards the kitchen where I am once again searching about for...something.

It's a little disconcerting. But I know it can take years to come to grips with this addiction, to teach myself about trust and endurance. So I am not beating myself up, and that is new after a lifetime of self recrimination. I can and will work past this. I can and will be kind to myself.

Ahhhhh yes...the wafting of wonderful aromas from the kitchen has just found my bedroom; I had almost forgotten.

Carnitas

I stopped for groceries on the way home after another long day, and was happy to find packages of seasoned Carnitas on sale, two for $7, a nice deal.  I picked up some veggies, the ingredients for the dinner the family was making, and headed home.

Instant Pot, high pressure, 40 minutes - 13 minutes release
2 lg green peppers diced
2 sm onions diced
3/4 large bag baby spinach
1 huge zucchini
1 32oz can crushed tomatoes
1 pkg carnitas
Shakes of Mrs Dash Table Blend, Chipotle Blend, Oregano & Cumin

Serving method:  glass container on scale, spoon out chunks of meat into dish, then flake off pieces until 4oz is left on the scale; repeat for five servings. One by one the containers go back on the scale and I use a slotted spoon to scoop out veggies until each container has 7oz veggies. Why 7? Because even with the slotted spoon there is still a lot of liquid. I ate one for dinner and have four left. Plus the 2nd package of pork for another meal in the fridge.

It was great having a big tub of salad veggies prepped from the weekend in the fridge, making it so easy to throw together a salad while waiting for the last 15 minutes to count down on the instant pot. And dinner was so delicious; spicy and juicy and filling. Usually I have my entree first because it's quick and easy to pop in the microwave after work. And then I struggle to eat the big salad. So tonight it was nice to switch it up and get that lovely full feeling after my carnitas was gone.

Because yes, I love to feel full. And I will remember this feeling as I lay in bed tonight feeling my tummy grumble about being empty. It's sort of nice to bounce back and forth between the two instead of being "always hungry and never satisfied."

I also picked up Triscuits, bananas, apples & oranges. Staples of winter!

(b) Ezekiel toast, PB, strawberries
(l)  lentil\ham veggie soup, orange
(d)  Carnitas, stewed(?) veggies, shopped salad

C has a tent in my room lately, and is hovering watching Paw Patrol on the 'big' tv while I type. He  has also discovered popcorn and has a cup of it with him. I am glad I am full and not tempted!

Tomorrow's food is planned, but I still have dinner dishes to do, so I am off to go tidy up. What a day it was, and what a week it has been so far. No, what a year! I need a raise! It would be nice to be able to buy organic again. Someday.

No Flour, No Sugar Pumpkin Pie Custard

My pumpkin custard is in the oven, and I wanted to write down my modifications. I increased the protein, decreased the cream, and added in the whole grain cereal. Only half a serving of cereal in each portion but a modification heading in the right direction. I need to updated the recipe again after tasting this and thinking about how to add more whole grain.

I also need to count and measure the dates more closely. By the time I used the puree I had forgotten how many dates I had originally set to soak, so I am not sure if I am over or under on my fruit services. Not a good idea and contrary to Susan's Bright Line Eating concept, so I will get that part under control for next time.

Today's recipe

4 Servings
Preheat oven to 350 and put full electric kettle of water on to boil (or 2 qt saucepan)

(4-P)  4 eggs, 2oz cream cheese, 2oz pecans
(2-WG)  2oz Ezekiel cereal
(4-F)  pumpkin and dates

Combine in a large bowl or large glass measuring cup with pour spout until blended
4 beaten eggs
15oz canned pumpkin
1/2C half n half
2oz cream cheese warmed in microwave until blendable
1 1/2 tsp vanilla
1C date puree or to taste
2 tsp pumpkin pie or apple spice mix or combination
Dash each extra ground ginger, cinnamon, freshly grated nutmeg, ground cloves

Butter four oven safe containers that hold at least 2 cups ea.
Divide pumpkin mixture evenly into containers - I used glazed ceramic soup bowls; this is more easily done if mixture was prepared in the large measuring cup with spout.

Combine in small glass bowl and microwave 30 seconds
2oz pecans
2tsp butter

Stir pecan mixture, then add 2oz cereal and cinnamon to taste. Stir till combined.

Top bowls of pumpkin with pecan/cereal mix. Place bowls in 9x12 deep baking dish. Place in oven, pour in hot water at least half way up side of bowls.

Bake until done, about 1 hour.

Now the hard part - Waiting!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  tick tock, tick tock - - - - -
Breakfast was good; not as scrumptious as the first batch though. I think next time I will go back to the original recipe and just have my whole grains at lunch or dinner the days I have it.

(b)  pumpkin custard
(l)  leftover chili, triscuits, large honeycrisp apple
(d)  last serving of the roast, peppers and onions plus roasted carrots and 4oz red potatoe

Dinner was filling, I shouldn't have added both the potatoes and carrots, but it was an early dinner and I was really hungry from a light lunch. I knew my portion of chili was less than a full serving but was too lazy to adjust.

I never posted yesterday's food. It was almost a good Bright Line day, but I did snack on some zero sugar jerky on the way home from work and sat shelling salted roasted peanuts instead of eating a salad. Not too many, a couple of handfuls of shelled peanuts doesn't amount to much.

(b) triscuits, cream cheese & banana
(l)  roast, peppers & onions, forgot to eat my fruit
(d)  left over chili, triscuits, peanuts. 

All in all I have wanted to eat more this week, but with a couple of small exceptions like the jerky and potatoes I haven't been. Maybe it's the cold weather and rain, it may be that holiday emotions are driving me, I'm not sure. I have a feeling I am craving starches and grains as the 'ok' foods when other temptations are hounding me. Like those damn coconut cookies sitting in the dining room and the crescent rolls I can smell cooking in the kitchen. NOT MY FOOD.

But I am doing well overall, and wondering if I will brave the scale tomorrow. To be fair, I should go get it tonight so I can weigh in my pajamas with the scale in the same place. But I don't want to bring it back into the house; I've finally stopped thinking about it daily and moving it may mess up the calibration anyway. Maybe I'll just sneak out to the garage in my pjs and weigh out there. Then the next time I weigh the scale will be in the same place for an accurate measurement compared to tomorrow. I think I need to weigh at least every two weeks to be sure I am not straying too far from plan, and still making progress. Mostly I think I fluctuate between losing and maintaining depending on if I have an additional serving of whole grains or fruit, or not. 

The reality is if I don't see a loss I will be devastated, and this is not a good time to rock the boat. Holidays are hard for everyone in one way or another - we all have a story - but I am more afraid to not weigh and not stay accountable for what I am eating. Jerky and potatoes are not flour or sugar, but they are higher in calories and I shouldn't be eating them right now. I have broken my Bright Line against snacking more than once in the last two months; it is the most challenging of my boundaries.

Tonight I will do some more decorating; the paper Christmas tree forest is going up slowly on the walls, and I have a few things to sort out in my room.

Idle hands are the devils playground. An apt quotation for anyone losing weight.

Sugar Detox Redoux - Day 16/28

Confetti Mac n Cheese
One pot, maybe six servings?

1 tub of chopped veggies from TJ's
1 medium yellow onion, diced
2T of red palm oil
16oz brown rice and quinoa spiral noodles
1T butter
2C milk
1T magic mushroom mix
2C cubed cheese (the more you love cheese the smaller the cubes, the healthier you intend the dish to be the larger the cubes - mine were cut in about 1/2" squares, a generous serving of cheese.)

Saute onion in palm oil until soft in a large ceramic covered roasting pan, stir in chopped veggie mix and stir well with magic mushroom mix; cover and cook on med low until veggies are not quite done; 5-10 minutes depending on your pan and the heat so keep an eye on them.

Cook noodles per pkg directions until al dente, about six minutes.

Preheat oven to 350°

Stir butter into veggies, add flour and keep stirring until all is blended and flour is cooked (5 minutes?)  Add milk and stir gently but thoroughly. Add cheese and cooked, drained noodles and lightly toss together with as much of the pasta water as is needed to do the stirring.

You now have a pan of brown mush laced through with bits of green, red and purple from the veggies; hence confetti mac n cheese. Sprinkle with parmesan shavings and put in the oven for half an hour or bubbling or until done to your likeness.

I don't expect anyone else here to love this, and in fact it is an experiment so I don't even know how it will turn out. If it tastes as good as it looks awful it will be wonderful.

No sugar at work today, all the pastry boxes are gone. I had a mandarin orange and a banana on the way home thinking about dinner and then stopped at TJ's to get the fixings for the recipe above. There is also leftover salad from the stash at work that I brought home, it's being Friday and all that entails when leaving work for the weekend.

One last item from shopping, a flat of a dozen peaches that will be ripe in about five days if I am gauging them correctly. I know the girls will help me gobble them all down once they are ripe, and there may be a cobbler in our future.  Time for the wicked to take a breather!
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Sugar Detox Redoux - Day 11/28

Twelve years ago today my daughter married her man in a beautiful ceremony at a local winery. They have seen their share of ups and downs, and this morning I ask the universe to...cut them some slack for heaven's sake! Ok, not poetic, but to the point. I love them dearly and my not so little A that keeps me grounded and hopeful, and I send my wishes up to the stars that their upward spiral towards happiness, contentment and security could be hastened. Just a little. Please.

76 and sunny today, I think I will spend some time in the yard. And the dogs need attending to, their monthly flea treatment being due. One would think I could come up with something better for a beautiful Sunday, but it is enough.  My coffee and cream beckons; I go.
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I never made it outside for more than a couple of trips to the recycling bins. But being inside was fine, with the windows open and the trees dancing about a little with a Spring breeze or two. A and I finished up a sewing project, a sundress for her sock monkey, and began colouring a new page in the 'big book' that I gave her for Easter - my intention being that it was big enough to share without bumping into each other. I was wrong. But the pictures are fun and colouring has always been a calming activity for me, and even for A sometimes.

Afterwards she was in the tub and getting her hair scrubbed, followed by a brush out and a blow dry - what a beautiful head of hair she has, much like her mother.

It has been a quiet afternoon with the kids away at a party. I watched a movie, set another load of dishes to spin, and listened to my book over a couple of games of solitaire. This is the time of day that is hard for me and often head here to write. I would love to be sitting outside with a drink and a friend and some laughter. I know I could make this happen if I could just make myself try, but even the idea is exhausting.

I think everything is ready for another work week - laundry done, chopped salad ready to go in the fridge. Oh! Salad! I made a wonderful dressing this morning. Sort of a cross between a ranch and green goddess. I will write it down so I can search for it later.

1C each buttermilk and mayo
1 really large handful each of diced herb leaves: Watercress, Flat leaf parsley & Cilantro
A couple shakes of dried Dill
2 stalks of minced green onion

I used an immersion blender to grind it all together until it was creamy white with little green specks. It's thin, not thick, and tosses into a salad in a light and lovely way instead of sitting thick on top. So delicious that I stood licking the end of the blender hoping I wouldn't cut myself. Over a chopped salad for lunch it was a tad more dilly after sitting for a couple of hours but still wonderful. And notice I didn't have to add any salt at all. I usually add freshly ground pepper and I have a mill at work for lunches there. All I need do in the morning is to pack up some beans to add. I have left over dirty rice bags and containers of bean soup in the freezer I need to use up and they can be my dinners this week. No cooking, no dishes, my kind of meals!

Confessions: I almost forgot about the pasty the Fam brought back from the Farmer's Market earlier. Light pastry, powdered sugar on top and cream cheese inside. Sigh. So worth it. And I did drive through after my dinner of potatoes to get an oreo shake (64g sugar). Was it the sugar in the morning that instigated my evening urges? In my defense I did NOT get fries or a Big Mac.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OMG, while I was typing away the Fam returned home with dessert for me; R had made a strawberry bundt cake with lemon icing and another friend had made a dulce de leche cheesecake. I had a small taste of each. So good & So bad. What did I use to write all the time, 'sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof...?'

Best I head to bed with water and determination to leave well enough alone.

Sugar Detox Days 23 & 24/28

Wow, two days gone. Admittedly I have emotionally checked out, but am still surprised that I did not post during that time as this is my favorite place to vent and whine.  Nothing horrible or spectacular has happened, just struggling with eating as usual. I am taking my thyroid pill every morning as directed, eating healthy lunches, and then dinner's are hit and miss. But even my bad choices are not horrible; bean burrito from CJ's one day and a delicious yakisoba noodle bowl one night. It's the exta meal at bedtime again that has reared it's ugly head. I'm just eating dinner too early. I need to get back to eating a large apple in the car on the way home from work to delay dinner.

Side Note: The Yakisoba noodle bowl from Costco, heated in the microwave, then tossed into a pan on the stove with a huge amount of fresh diced baby spinach, a small amount of water, and a dash each of Tamari and Chili sesame oil and then stirred until the spinach has wilted - OMG, so decadently delicious, low in sugar but unfortunately high in sodium, and low in fat. Plus the greens. Superb fast food.

But I am having a hard time seeing the view from the treadmill of work, groceries and chores. And complaining about it just seems to increase the load I am already carrying around in the form of depression. Hence not writing about it until now.

Unfortunately knowing what to do and doing it are two different things. But I am doing the things I know will lead to a break in mood; adding in greens, trying to avoid sugar, and taking my meds. and supplements. Going through the motions and not letting myself get bogged down.

Coconut Cream and Raw Honey

Both mornings this weekend I have sweetened my decaf with coconut cream and raw honey. Smooth and delicious, not clingingly sweet but delightful in that there is no bitterness left in the coffee, just the rich roast of the beans and the heaviness of the cream. Warming the cream and honey together in the microwave so they combine and can be stirred into my cup, the coffee stays hot. I need not say more.

We are having something like beach weather these days, cold and grey in the morning, sunny and hot in the afternoon, yet without the salt of the ocean there is no magic for me in the combination compelling me to go outside. More me than the weather I am sure, but discouraging as I dream of wanting to go outside. My body may embrace the lifestyle of a hermit, but my spirit does not. The small bits of time spent in the backyard are so important to me; I wish I were motivated to do more out there.

And the whining begins, I'm gone. And I'm back to whine some more. My fat clothes, instead of being large and comfortable, are instead actually fitting me. So I am growing, and unhappy in my attempt to dress and go out. A vicious cycle that, too big to go out and growing by leaps and bounds because one is not going out, is hard to ignore. How I wish for a friend to bolster my attempts at eating less, and how I berate myself for not reaching out to the ones I have. I did make it out for breakfast items for the Fam and potatoes and canned tomatoes (spanish rice later this week?) for myself.

Time to go start the soup; last of the Easter ham, lots of bok choy and carrots, and split peas this time. (I followed the recipe on the back of the bag of dried peas, adding the magic mushroom mix and substituting red palm oil to saute the onions.

Below is Michelle Tam's Magic Mushroom Mix recipe which I have been in love with since my daughter introduced it into our kitchen. I am not a 'Paleo' fan, but this is marvelous stuff. Today I put my low sodium interpretation on the recipe and instead of salt and red pepper flakes used about 1T of the chipotle blend from Mrs. Dash. I won't know for sure until I taste the pea soup that is finishing up on the stove or the ham and potato gratin that is in the oven, but I have a good feeling. (Note: both dishes are delicious.)

One would be right if from the last paragraph they deduced I have been happily cooking away in the kitchen for the past hour, in bare feet with my story playing in my ears. The great escape! But now I have meals for the week, both dishes full of veggies and one of them with the added decadence of swiss cheese, butter and flour combined into a lovely sauce with milk and nutmeg. Milk is NOT in my usual list of what I will eat, but making a cheese sauce is definitely the one exception I can live with. Fortified with salads these dishes will make awesome meals.

Timer! Time to blend the soup.

Easter Ham for Lentil Soup

It's Monday morning, and like any other day it begs for new beginnings and fresh attitudes and chances galore. I think it is time to play the Pollyanna game, looking only for silver linings and finding the positive side of everything. Every little thing. That being said I am trying to talk myself into going into the kitchen and making a green smoothie. I would welcome the energy, my body ready to soak up the nutrients it would provide, any nutrient at all, any single little one. But my brain is screaming against the cold and dark of the kitchen and repelled by how loud the blender would be shattering the quiet of the predawn.

Maybe if I blow dry my hair first the noise will convince me at some subconscious level that the additional disturbance of the blender wouldn't be so shocking. Yes, I'll try that.
................

While I didn't make a smoothie for breakfast, I did remember a previous idea of making my smoothies for dinner so that is my new intention.  I don't feel like adding a food log to my daily blog just now, so instead I will just mention all of the good things I eat to reinforce the positive.

Lunch was leftover salad; I made enough for lunch yesterday to carry over for a couple of meals. Lots of baby lettuces and spinach, green onions, snap peas and cabbage. For dressing I thinned out the coleslaw dressing from Easter dinner with rice vinegar and celery seeds. It covers nicely without having to use a lot. Delicious, and I am hoping all of the pea protein will hold me through the day since I forgot to add my seeds. Wait, those can be my snack on the way home. That works.

I am happy with my feet today, and contemplating walking to the bank instead of driving. Losing the Crocs turns out to be a wonderful idea. I almost said Fabulous, which reminded me of the BBC series I use to love watching; something to google later to see if anything is going on these days from that crazily creative woman.

Home now, and lentil soup is in the works - just waiting for the lentils to finish cooking. At least it is a dish full of veggies and some greens. (No, I do not think ham is healthy, but it is here and needs to be used and at times I have a thrifty gene that needs to be satisfied.)

Saute one diced medium yellow onion in red palm oil until soft and golden red
    (This takes about 20 minutes, then stir in about 1T of magic mushroom mix until coated)
.
In the meantime:
1. Begin defrosting ham stock leftover from Easter - about 3 cups
2. dice and set aside
     2C carrot
     2C bok choy, including greens
    1/4 celery root
     2C left over ham

Once onions are ready add ham stock, plus one  box of Imagine's low sodium No-Chicken stock
Bring to a boil, then add 2C organic green lentils and cook covered until lentils are tender (20-30min). Add diced veggies and if necessary enough water so vegetables are 'loose'. Bring back to a boil and cook covered until tender, about 10-15 minutes depending on the size of your dice.

Add Ham, and water to desired consistency. (This makes a good stoup, stew or soup.) Turn heat down to simmer and let the ham heat through, about another ten minutes. If your are keeping it thick, stand and stir occasionally. If making soup cover, set the timer, and go about your business.

DO NOT SALT. Taste first, ham stock is salty. Add freshly ground pepper.

I'll take half of this next door, I haven't done anything to help with baby V who is actually no longer a baby but a rug rat.

I'm glad it's Monday prevening and there is softball practice and the house will be quiet. The wind is cooling down the house, the leaves of the eucalyptus are singing to me through my window, and I am thankful for the bounty in my life; family to love, food to cook, and our little house with cozy beds - each to their own for collapsing into at days end.
   

   

Crockpot Beans with a little Whine

Today something happened that felt like....disrespect. For my intentions, my knowledge, my abilities as a communicator. I just turned 60, shouldn't I be past this? I'm not sure what it says about the human condition that A and I can both have our feelings hurt despite the gap in our ages. I guess I have enough experience to realize it's them, not me, and how I react is my responsibility. But I was sad driving home, and it was a couch potato kind of day; I was just exhausted emotionally and all desire to move had left the building. Now it's dark and I'm ready for bed and wondering if I should have watered the new sage plants before turning in.

tap tappity tap tap, "Yes?" "Did you forget your beans?" "I did, thanks!"  Off to the kitchen to put the black beans I had cooked for an hour earlier in the evening into the crock pot with a whole bag of fresh spinach, two 16 oz cans of diced tomatoes with onions, celery & peppers, then healthy dashes of cumin, chili powder and oregano. They will cook overnight on low and I'll take them out in the morning and throw them in the fridge. After work tomorrow I'll make bean soup, most or all of which will be blended and cooked down into 'refried' beans. Greens cooked into beans makes a luscious healthier version of the dish, and I am sure there will be a burrito or two in my near future. Or maybe Nachos next weekend; I do need to use up the rest of the sour cream. See, not helpless.

Time to tip out four tums, one for Kaley (she loves them) and three for me before I attempt to lay down. Another burning reason to MAKE HEALTHIER CHOICES. Sigh.

breakfast: decaf, sausage biscuit
lunch: kale salad like Monday
Snack: popcorn
Dinner: red potato, butter, sr cream
Dessert: well deserved hearburn

73 and burning up!

Typical Saturday morning; dishes, laundry, puttering around picking up and putting away the detritus of the week. But then we girls headed out back and did some pruning, weeding and planting. We have Early Girl tomatoes in the hanging planter and some heartier beefsteak type toms staked in the planter on the back patio. It will be wonderful to have garden ripened tomatoes again this summer.

It only took about half an hour in the sun before the heat and sweat drove us in the first time. Checking the temperature it was only 73! We chatted a bit with A about how lucky we are to have the sun and a back yard trying to ease the burden of picking up old dried up oranges and weeding. I'm not sure she was going for it. But every week the yard is looking better. I might need to pick up a new weed whacker. Might.

Resting while watching Yard Crashers was good for the big girls, but A went out front with a ball of string and a bunch of sticks she had cut to length. Now she is struggling with her imagination, and the lack of appropriate materials to build the swing she has her heart set on; god I wish I could keep up with her!

Done and done! I convinced her that a swing engineered to hold the weight of one of her dolls would be awesome, that I was sorry I didn't have rope heavier than string, and she agreed it was a good compromise. We knotted and hung and punched and knotted some more and viola! She has a beautiful little swing hanging from the Crepe Myrtle by the front door. On the same branch she uses to swing herself, practice pull ups, and fly around the trunk.

While the depth of the swing's seat could have been deeper, she was happy with the results.

Grocery shopping done, fruit salad made, bean soup simmering away on the stove. The sun is finally on it's way down and I'm going to head out back for a few more minutes of Spring weather. I so love having all the windows open and listening to the motorcycles, ducks, and white noise of the neighborhood.

I've been on my feet most of the day, either barefoot, wearing my thin 'barefoot' OP shoes or few minutes on my Crocs to dash outside once. I can feel a difference after only a few days, I do believe my feet are getting stronger. I'm also doing toe exercises on and off when I am standing at the keyboard. Go me.

breakfast: decaf, egg on toast
lunch: whole grain toast, quinoa Qrunch pattie, tomatoes, sriracha sauce sandwich
Dinner: home made bean soup: bok choy, celery heart, orange bell pepper, white onion, cannellini beans, magic mushroom mix, freshly ground pepper, spoonful of sr cream.

A St. Paddy's Day Brisket

Awake at 4 something this morning I watched last night's episode of Castle before getting up and prepping everything for tonight's dinner. The plan was to leave directions for M to get dinner started and in the oven and I would finish up when I got home.

We are going to oven braise our corned beef this year in a homemade onion mixture seasoned with magic mushroom mix. It was a little early to really enjoy the smells steaming up out of the sautee pan, but once I added the prepackaged spices from the meat package it smelled like St. Paddy's day and that was good. I peeled and rough chopped the carrots, white onions & red potatoes and left them bagged and in the fridge. I rinsed and re-bagged the meat, and dumped the onion mix into a container and those went in the fridge along with everything else. I even left the roasting pan and jar of red palm oil on the counter with the directions that went something like this:

2pm: Preheat oven to 325
1. Sear both sides of meat for 1-2 minutes in 2T of red palm oil preheated in blue pan on stove
2. Add onion mix, then as many veggies as will fit, your choice.
3. Cover and put in the oven
4. I will add cabbage when I get home

Yikes! forgot to tell him to drain the potatoes before adding them, they are in water so they don't turn brown. A quick text later and it's all good.

Back to work for the wicked.

To Sprouts for lunch; I picked up a BoBo's Oat Bar - Maple Pecan - and munched on raw carrots left over from this morning's prep - plus a very small avocado that I was afraid was going to be inedible and ended up being perfect. What a lovely lunch; whole grains, raw veggie, healthy fat. Go me.

I also picked up some organic garlic bread from the fridge section to throw in the oven this evening to go with the brisket; A and M will appreciate it.

A quick stop at the store on the way home for horseradish - go figure they were all out - and some staples before heading home to finish up dinner.

Ta Da! Home in time to throw in the cabbage quarters for the last 45 minutes having turned the oven up to 350, then once the roasting pot was out of the oven the bread went in. While it was toasting I tossed the ceasar salad and sliced the brisket. Dinner was everything it was supposed to be; there are few things as wonderful as potatoes and carrots mashed together with onion after they have all spent a few hours basking together in a roasting pan with a corned beef brisket. Yum.

There is a blueberry and peach galette for dessert but that will have to wait; I am full and tired after packing up the leftovers and rinsing the mountain of pans, strainers, utensils and bowls it took to pull all of this together. M did a great job putting everything together this morning; it wouldn't have been possible without his help.

A and I had taken a quick trip to the library while the cabbage was cooking, and so my day has been literally non stop go go go. If my fitbit hadn't broken (if I hadn't washed it) I would have loved to know how many steps the day contained. Now it's time for a sit down and an episode of Mike and Molly while I relax.

Breakfast:  home brewed decaf coffee, half n half;  last two tiny slices of leftover pizza
Lunch: Bobo's oat bar, raw carrots, small avocado
Early Dinner: corned beef, cabbage, carrots, potatoes, onions, salad, garlic bread
Dessert: blueberry\peach galette

Back to square one

I was putting dishes away in the kitchen this morning when I realized that
     1. I was not alone and
     2.I needed to leave for work.

So at lunch time I drove over to sprouts to get salad fixings for the week. And my brain went, "really, salad all week?" I stopped in my tracks and reassessed the situation. When I lost weight before it was because I ate in moderation, ate mostly plants, and treated myself to a sandwich once a week on the day I did the grocery shopping. I decided this was a good place to start and set forth to find what I really wanted for lunch. A sandwich. Getting back to the office I prepped the fresh ingredients and have just finished a wonderful treat. In the car I have a large fresh looking bunch of organic kale to use in my veggie bean soup tonight. I feel good, and look forward to getting back to the basics of what has worked for me in the past.

I do need to revise it a little bit, if it had been perfect I wouldn't have strayed back to the dark side. In my defense there was a LOT of emotional stress during the regaining years and I shouldn't beat myself up so much. But stepping into the offense box for a moment, it was a good strategy and I can't keep dipping into the pity pool for excuses. A little bit smaller portions since I am not walking, and adding stretching at home will help. I found my work out Capri's pushed into the back of a drawer while organizing my clothes this weekend so I am ready to change when I get home and get down on the floor. I am.

BUT...instead I made awesome Black Bean and Kale soup. And fresh lemonade. And a big salad. I'll stretch after dinner is through digesting, probably in front of the tv a little bit later.

So, the soup. I started with the onion, cauliflower mix I threw together yesterday. I added a large can of organic black beans (quart?) that I had blended with a quart of veggie stock. To this I added garlic powder, cumin, smoked paprika and oregano. Once the pot had reached a boil I threw in five really large kale leaves that I had destemmed while waiting. Once the 20 minute timer dinged (during which time I made the fresh lemonade) I held the blender by the pot and pulled out all of the wilted kale leaves then blended them into oblivious before adding them back to the pot. I added about a cup of water to the blender and shook it well to get every last bit of green and threw that in the pot as well.

Bringing everything back to the boil, I then turned it down to a simmer and let it steam away uncovered until I liked the consistency, about another 15 minutes. While waiting, I tossed together a chopped salad for R to use for her dinner tonight with enough left over for me tomorrow.

The first spoonful of soup was good, but a little too  spicy so I added a spoonful of organic sour cream and then it was perfecto. With every bite my taste buds liked it more and more and now my bowl is empty. And I am stuffed full of wonderful nutrients. Yay me!

Tonight's agenda, stretching while watching Once Upon A Time.

Breakfast:  decaf coffee, sausage biscuit
Lunch: small kaiser roll, kosher cheese, spicy sprouts, cucumber, avocado sandwich
Snack: med pink lady apple
Dinner: homemade black bean & kale soup

Meerkat Motto or Climb Every Mountain

Sleeping in on top of daylight savings had me in bed until 9am. Amazing. Perfect for a Sunday.

This morning A was hanging out in my room while the 'rents were getting ready to go out for breakfast. She offered me a sticker and looking around I noticed a long ago posted but sort of ignored clipping on the wall. The Meerkat Motto (I miss that show, Meerkat Manor!). Anyway, I put my chosen sticker on the corner of the paper then shared the motto with A.

Meerkat Motto
Respect the Elders,
Teach the Young,
Cooperate with the Family.
Play when you can,
Work when you should,
Rest In Between.
Share your Affection,
Voice your Feelings,
Leave your Mark.

All of the important benchmarks of being human too, in my humble opinion. I need to work on the 'play when you can' aspect'. She thought it was a little insulting when I explained why she made a good Meerkat. In her defense she is six and it's sometimes hard to spot a compliment.

Last night I went to bed thinking about habits, and my food addiction struggles, and my mental health. Not an exceptionally pleasant set of ruminations but a problem ignored is not one that goes away. Not that I have ignored it, I have 40 years of battling under my belt to no avail. That thought saddens me, not that there has been no miraculous solution as I use to pray for, but that all the effort and thought was apparently  just wasted. Or is my svelte 230 the good news, and without the fight I would be 500lbs? Now to my favorite quote from EPL - "there is no control group for a human life."

Now i'm thinking about breakfast. How sick is that? In my defense it is morning, and my last meal was over 12 hours ago. Let's not be crazy. Let's just make some more eggs and toast! Done.

Climb every Mountain  Earlier this morning before there were plans for them to go out to breakfast, A and I were watching The Pacifier. If you are not familiar with this movie, the son is in a production of the Sound of Music, and after everyone left I was inspired to look up this link, (Acted by Peggy Wood, dubbed by Margery McKay.) Best performance of the song ever. How can anyone ever give up or lose faith after listening to her. Including me. Showered, dressed, and about to go out!

I did pass on Sunday Dinner at a friends, but next time my face will be better and I'll say yes. I accidentally made a delicious dinner for myself at home. Yellow onion sauteed in red palm oil, then diced cauliflower added in equal part, seasoned with magic mushroom mix, dried sage, a little Montreal steak seasoning, and a dash of celery seed. Earlier I had sliced some firm sprouted tofu and had it marinating in soy, catsup, garlic, vinegar and raw honey. I pan seared the sliced, and put one in a bowl and topped it with the onion mixture. Very good and somehow WAY spicy. Remembering some left over white rice in the fridge I added some to my next bowl and it was perfect. So good that I made a final small bowl the same way and savored every bite. There is lots of onion  mixture left over to use as a base for bean soup, I know that will be delicious too.

Breakfast:  whole wheat toast, eggs soft scrambled with mustard
Lunch: two green chili and cheese tamales from TJ's
Dinner: marinated tofu, white rice, onion & cauliflower saute
Dessert: finally really eating the vanilla ice cream I wrote down but didn't actually have the past two days