Coughing and more coughing. Ugh.

It will probably hit 100 degrees out today, and we are spending a calm day inside after taking care of the morning chores outside. That just means the garden has been watered, as well as any flowers and the ceramic water basins for birds and squirrels; the dog messes have been cleaned up, and peanuts put out - again, for our wildlife family. R did blow off the patio, and Cal chalked over our names while we were out there, so there was a little fun.

Today's Food:

• b)  rice, salsa, refried beans, banana
• l)   left over BLE compliant pizza, half a huge apple
• d)  tri-tip, corn, mushrooms, salad

I finally caved and have a phone appt. with Kaiser in about an hour.  I'm taking too much medication for not much relief from the coughing; a Zyrtec at night and Flonase in the morning. Maybe my asthma has also kicked in. I just wish I had more faith in the medical community. For my own part, the pizza I ordered last night was a cauliflower crust - so there was some cheese and egg in it - but no additional cheese or meat on top, just veggies. I am more determined than ever to stay dairy and meat free this coming week, and I am even contemplating fasting to get rid of this cough.

In the meantime, they will likely write a script for an inhaler, and so desperate I am for relief from the coughing I will use it.

Another challenge is that disgusting though it may be, I don't cough while eating. I'll pick up some gum to chew when I get the prescription filled, because lord knows the last thing I want to do is eat all day - as I once did during these frustrating episodes. Just snacking all day long to keep the coughing at bay. Gross.

Time for more tea or water. And a better attitude!

 

Salt, Bean Stoup, and a Nap!

 Dinner tonight was so delicious. I chopped up a small yellow onion, a couple handfuls of those snack sized baby carrots, and two gray zucchini and set them to simmering in enough chicken broth to cover them all and several shakes of the Mrs. Dash Onion blend. While that was cooking I drained and rinsed a can of white beans, and weighed out 6oz to add later.

Once the veggies were just tender, I set the beans to warm in the microwave, then used a slotted spoon to weigh out 10oz of the veg and then 2oz of broth. (The serving of vegetables was already so large I couldn't imagine going all the way to 12oz.) After adding in the beans, I had a large beautiful bowl of bean stoup. To this I ground in lots of black pepper, and added a small spoon of finishing salt. This may or may not have been important, but after just a cup or so of the meal I started feeling better.

I had been having really strange headaches all day; waves of pain shooting across my head, mostly in the back and through the middle of my head. And I was tired, even more so than usual, and just plain feeling out of it. At lunch I was making my salad, and having just diced up the hard boiled eggs I thought of salt, and a light went on. I haven't been eating meat (which I would either normally salt, or prepare with salt, or buy already salted such as sausage) and I had been using different Mrs. Dash variations on my cooked vegetables. Maybe my sodium was low??

I did salt my lunch and felt a little better afterwards, but just couldn't do anything productive most of the afternoon. Well, aside from rinsing dishes and rotating laundry and trimming back more of the tomatoes plants and watching C play outside. Oh, and changing out the covers on the couch (we have to keep it clean for C to use as he wants to play, eat, and nap.) And making my meals. Okay, so not as much of a slouch as I thought, but I didn't pick up toys at the end of the day or take out the garbage. When M got home I apologized for the house being at sixes and sevens and he gave me that 'crazy mother in law' look and asked what it meant. I was embarrassed to admit I didn't remember exactly, that I had just been saying it my whole life when the house was a mess. So silly.

Anyway, after my salty dinner I did feel better, but called in sick to work and laid down for a much needed nap. I am still feeling somewhat better, no headache, and sipping a big cup of Throat Coat tea just because it's delicious and comforting.

I do have an appt. for blood work on Tuesday because of how fatigued I am, with a follow up phone appt. with the Dr., and I'm wondering if my medications need adjusting. I requested the blood work before any of this happened, and I am hoping to be fully recovered tomorrow, but it will be nice to make sure everything is as it should be once the bloodwork is back.

Back to my original thought, dinner was delicious and I need to do this more often. I've been so enamored of the instant pot I've been batch cooking and it's so easy to make too much. The fridge and freezer are usually pretty packed! When I was eating for nutrition ala Fuhrman many years ago now,  I would make a small pan of stoup most evenings. Just big bowls of veggies with either beans, rice, or pasta added. I will be able to do this again, just without the pasta. That being said (I wonder if there is a way to count how many times I have said that in this blog), I will be able to experiment with adding things like bean and lentil pastas to my soups and stoups once I am in BLE maintenance.

Tomorrows Food:

B:  Yam Pudding, banana\green grapes

L:  8oz chopped salad w/ blue cheese, apple

D:  Stone soup and beans, 6oz green salad

Stone soup being code for, 'use up the oldest veggies in the fridge because the imperfect produce order was delivered today.'

So grateful to be feeling enough like myself to sit and type for a few minutes, but still ready to lay back down. Maybe listen to some Thursday Night Football.

Lab Work and Ham Soup

Another long day. But tonight I made the lentil soup I had planned and there are four bowls ready to go in the fridge with ham and another two just lentils, bok choy & parsnips. I did take a tiny taste; no sense in storing bad soup. It's not bad. I cooked the veggies with the ham stock then pureed them. Then I added the lentils to cook. Finally I weighed 3oz of ham into each bowl and covered it with the soup.

I waited to eat breakfast at work today because I stopped on the way to have blood work done. It's time for my annual tests and I wanted a baseline before the Bright Line boot camp too. Some of the tests are in and everything is in the normal range. My cholesterol is on a downward slope, within the normal range now too, but the real story is my triglycerides.

If I had the patience I would correlate the graph with my entries to see what I was eating at the time, but really, all I care about is that my chances of stroke have been cut in half. I can hardly wait to test again at the end of boot camp.

(b)  sausage, triscuits, banana

(l)  meatballs, green beans, apple

(d)  beef jerkey, lettuce & carrot salad, potatoes

Another get home hungry night. There were baked fries on a cookie sheet and home made tartar sauce on the kitchen counter and they were finished with dinner. I weighed out the potatoes and called the tartar sauce the fat and called it a day.  Not on plan, but no sugar or flour. I'm going to have to step up my game to get through tax season, which is why I took the time to make soup tonight.

I'm looking forward to my first coaching call tomorrow - a great way to spend lunch at work! I'm trying to not think about work tonight - I have a hiccup in my team and don't want to bring the stress home with me. But I care about them all, and need a plan to get everyone back on track - the extra workload right now has us all a little frazzled I think. We'll work it out, I trust in that, and that's a beginning.

I am so tired, and ready for bed. I just need to sign off, make my paper journal entries, and call it a day. 

The dentist, and a little something extra

Sins of the day:
(2) fried mozzarella sticks
(1) mug of steamed milk with vanilla and pureed dates
(1) sugar cookie, unfrosted

The day started at the dentist, getting a tooth pulled under anesthesia. Most of the day I have spent napping, falling asleep to the tv and just cuddling in warm blankets.

(b)  yogurt, blueberries
(l)  mashed potatoes, meatloaf
(s)  cookie
(d)  roast, peppers, onions, mushrooms, restaurant fried mozzarella sticks
(d)  milk, vanilla, pureed dates

Maybe it was the dopey after effects of the anesthesia, but I had no fight in me today. I did have Bright Line meals, but also indulged in the above mentioned extras. I am sipping on my sweetened milk as I write this.  There had been pureed dates left over from making the pumpkin custard last week, and thought about using it to make a cup of cocoa, but tonight I wanted the vanilla instead.  Steamed nut milk with vanilla and honey is an old friend during the winter months, and I guess I just need a little familiar comfort this evening.

Realistically, it wasn't that much extra food, but I broke all three of my Bright Lines. The kids had baked cookies, just plain sugar cookies, and I just had one. No inner debate, no chatter, just reaching out, picking it up, and eating it. Savoring it really - I loved every bite. And the motz sticks were from the dinner they brought in, and offered to me not thinking about the light breading on the outside.

I am only thinking about it now because I realized that tomorrow is Sunday, and I planned on weighing in the morning. Not that eating extra calories tonight should impact that much; isn't it the consistency during the week that should count? We'll see. I'm hoping that the small amounts of flour and sugar won't impact my brain much; they were both eaten just after a main meal, so should have been part of a normal glucose/insulin response. The milk tonight is my third broken line of the day, but I am not feeling bad about it at all. Still under the influence? Maybe.

I have Bright Line meals planned for tomorrow, and I should be fully recovered mentally and able to be right back on track. Speed is essential after a goof, and the only way I will feel bad about today's extras is if I let it escalate. So I won't. Tomorrow will be Bright Line Eating as usual, the chores I was unable to perform today, and spending time with the family.

Plans

Well, the Dr. was self assured and a little condescending. He is also one of the surgeons so I was nice, just in case. After listening to him I agreed to let him enter the referral for surgery and I am to call Monday to set the date. I'll also be calling to find out the difference in cost between having or not having a complete anesthesia during the procedures (3) on my hand. He made it very clear it is my right hand that needs the surgery, and I was just as clear that it's the pain in my left hand that needs to be addressed right now - so we start there.

TGIF, and for two days there will be no traffic, no work stress, and the freedom to putter about at home. When R gets home she has in mind to implement a routine of food and gym that she can stick to, and I will do the same. I think six weeks of Fuhrman and bike rides for me, plus my stretching. But first I need to get through one more quick trip down south to see Mom and D.

Back to work. Wish I still loved it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have eaten everything in sight without nutritional value; leftovers from the week and not the green variety. I can't wait, I have to begin tomorrow. Especially since M just let me know he is bringing cheesecake for dessert. That is a fitting farewell to eating badly for a while. Tomorrow I will clean out the fridge, make a tub of chopped veggies, make a jar of cashew milk green goddess dressing, and begin my six weeks. A pound each of raw and cooked veggies, four fruits, a cuppa beans or legumes, a tablespoon of ground flax and an ounce of seeds or nuts as a snack or in my salad each day. I can do one day, and then I will feel like doing another, and then I will feel like doing a week. I know this, I have done it before.

It's going to be hot this weekend, back up into triple digits, so I will take my bike ride early, and then putter in the back yard while I cool down.

Fruit for breakfast, salad with beans/legumes for lunch/ veggie soup for dinner, and fruit or carrots. for dessert. I'll use flax meal to thicken my dressing, and the cashew milk I use to make the dressing will be the cheat that keeps me sane. I know that about me too, as long as I feel I am getting away with something I can cope. I would really like to know where that stems from because it drives me nuts. Like I can fool myself? Like my right hand doesn't know when my left hand is adding sour cream?

By the twitching of my thumbs...maybe the something wicked is the carpal tunnel. Interesting thought. Time for dessert and an episode of beauty and the beast.

Mental games

I don't know if the electric charges they zapped me with during the testing yesterday have instigated today's zings and twinges or if I am just more acutely aware of they symptoms now that I have been diagnosed. But my hands are more tingly than ever and I'm getting little fire trails across the tops of a couple of digits. Fascinatingly weird. And damn the phlebotomist that drew blood a bit ago, I am still getting  pain along the nerve he hit; it's crisp and painful and I am about a day away from complaining to health services. What if this doesn't go away? Because as I like to say, I needed one more thing to complain about!

I'm still doing my finger stretches each day on the steering wheel while commuting, and my toes stretches while sitting watching tv. I've added mornings so the toes are actually getting stretched twice a day now and I think it may be helping the feet pain.

This has been such a long week with R gone. Today I left work exactly on time and arrived in town early enough to come home and take a quick nap before grabbing A, heating up a pre-made lasagna, and vegging out to Star Trek. M is home now and they are chilling together while I type; sending out a prayer to the universe - please give him the insight to see how it matters how he speaks to her and fill his tone with love no matter how tired he may be. I guess that goes for all of us.

So off to the Dr. in the morning to see what they have to say about my hands. I will remember to hear everything with a grain of salt and make no hurried decisions. I love and value my hands, I don't want to jeopardize their future.

Typing in braces

Well the nerve conduction test today showed moderate carpal tunnel in one hand and severe in the other. I already have an appt. with a hand specialist early Friday morning to go over surgery options. Ugh. The Dr. today said to forget the braces they gave me and to go buy some soft slide on supports from the drugstore and I did. I think I will be able to sleep in them, they are soft and not as bulky. And so it begins.

On a different front, I pulled out a beautiful blue dress that I would like to wear to a wedding in December; lacey and fun it would fit me if I lost twenty pounds. With optimism peeking it's head around the corner I have hung it up in my room for inspiration. Partly this comes from speaking to the Dr. today who did the testing on my hands. Her daugher is taking archery at school so I bragged about my gold medal, and she went on about how awesome that was and how I must have the gift of being able to focus.  I wished aloud that I could focus on myself and my health and she looked me in the eye and said it would happen. She was so clear and definite I just wanted to scoop her up and put her in my pocket to take with me; how wonderful it would be to have someone telling me that everyday. I know that I could be that person, and that I need to start again.

Positive affirmations, reading articles, doing restorative exercises by Katy. I wonder what would happen to my body if I could do that for six weeks. To my feet and hands and hips. Not to mention my brain.

Cuz these braces suck, and I want out.

A cool morning turned bad

I love these cool summer mornings, and being able to invite Kaylee to snuggle with me without burning up. On the way to work I skipped breakfast in order to stop at the Lab for my follow up blood work the Dr. had ordered to see how my thyroid meds were doing. Or rather, how I was reacting to them. Overall I don't see much of a change so it will be interesting to see the results.

Afterwards I stopped for my decaf coffee with cream and couldn't help but reminisce a bit over yesterday's sugar. But all it took was a brief moment of reflection upon what the sugar does in our bodies to make me content with my current cup. With the 'added' sugar portion of my life under control it's time to thin out the desserts that crop up at home way too often. Along with bread and cheese. But I am making progress, indulging less and less often. I can't remember the last time I picked up a loaf of bread. I do remember that I have been actively saying no to myself every time I think how lovely it would be to have cheese and crackers for dinner.

Speaking of dinner, A and I are throwing together a chicken pot pie tonight and I need to stop and pick up stock and a container of mirepoix on the way home this afternoon. Not that A cares about the veggies, she is all about the 'dough and gravy'. That's my girl. But I (we) are saying no to her sweet tooth more often and she actually ate a little broccoli with dinner last night. 

Sigh, I should be working, not blathering, so off I go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A full afternoon has left me tired, and the results of this morning's blood work have me a little down. I went in to get massaged and stretched before heading towards home, picking up a few items at the store and three small children before I arrived. Two hours of swimming, then home to make chicken pot pie for the Fam's dinner. (A had two servings, veggies and all!) While it was cooking I headed back out to pick up dog food and I am more recently just in from taking out garbage. So yes, I have been moving all day, I am sore in many many places, and tired to the bone. I will not be doing any dishes tonight.

So I have some thinking to do. My bad cholesterol went up and my good cholesterol went down. That sucks, but given the amount of ice cream eaten in the past few months not really surprising. And my ATL numbers were back up - and OMG here I am venting about personal health problems twenty years too soon. I've been doing it all year, and it angers me. I need to channel this anger, but after writing here for almost ten years I have solved nothing, apparently learned nothing, and am in pretty much the same place as when I started.

I do have a better handle on being grateful, and I am gainfully employed, but in the long run it's hasn't helped my health or weight or peace of mind. I won't say what's the point, because the act of writing does give me a certain sense of release, and at times even joy as my fingers fly across the keyboard.

But I am disappointed on so many levels. Super Big Sigh.

TGIF or TDIF

Originally I typed in the classic TGIF, but there is also something to be said to looking forward to spending two days with Kaylee, my furry little friend who knows when to stick close and ooze comfort. So Thank Dog It's Friday is also an appropriate sentiment, and the way I feel and think about God there is really no difference between the two. After all, Kaylee helps me find pieces of heaven on earth, reminds me that I can take one moment at a time and choose to be happy in it, and makes me smile whether I want to or not just by being herself. A lot of responsibility for one little dog, but her dwarven legs seem to be holding up fine under the pressure.

I hope to get a lot done this weekend, but then I always do! And I just realized that I haven't had as many 'mood' swings lately. The playing field of my brain has sort of evened out. Of course I still have my moments as evidenced by last night's mini melt down, but I am 'fine' this morning and not discouraged; there is no black cloud of regret hanging over this muss of morning hair. Maybe the anti-anxiety pills are finally having an impact. Or maybe my boat is sailing more smoothly under the steady pressure of the coming change. I'll go with the latter, I like that image ( I miss sailing.)

So a busy work day ahead - TGIHAJ - and then some taped shows to watch tonight. And popcorn just popped (ha ha) into my head. Warm, buttery, crunchy, end of the week treat! Of course I am all out so it will all depend on if I remember to run down to the store at lunch today. Hmmmm, 'A' might be coming to spend the night Saturday so perhaps I should save that treat to share with her; if it's one person who loves popcorn more than me it's my adorable 4 yr old granddaughter. That would be another good one, TAIF! Heaven knows her spirit soars and keeps me afloat much of the time.

Enough rambling; guess I needed to balance the universe with some positive energy after last night. Feels good, the whole feeling positive thing. I hope it sticks around a while.

I do spend a lot of time hoping for one thing or another don't I?

White Caps

Driving home from work yesterday was treacherous. The on ramp was slick with what I can only imagine was black ice, and braking for the car in front of me I slide dangerously close to the cement bunker as I lost traction. Facing me was the car who had pulled a 180 heading out of the turn and behind me was an array of 4 more cars all precariously close to one another, jutting out at odd angles. Thank heavens for good reflexes and kudos to all. We waited while car numero uno was turned in the right direction and headed carefully onto the freeway then we all followed suit. I felt grateful to have come out of that turn without an incident, and drove with care the rest of the way home. That's not to say that I didn't do a bit more site seeing than usual. Heading down the valley towards home there were brightly sloping snow topped foothills to the right, and a majestic view of Mt. Diablo to the left, it's peak all frosted in white as if it were a sweet offering at a giant's party. Above and ahead of me were storm clouds dark with intent, and streaming down from a gap there was a rainbow made up of broad strokes of yellow, tangerine and lime; just gorgeous, and I had been oblivious of the snow all day as I crunched away at numbers sitting at my desk.

To celebrate my survival and the beauty of the day in general I pulled into zpizza on the way home to pick up dinner, and while there waiting for my order I popped in to the gym to cancel my membership. I've been meaning to do this for about nine months so I'm giving myself a pat on the back instead of crying over the lost dues. I could have wasted money on worse.

This evening I got home late, but managed a quick dirty rice for dinner (I love having cooked brown rice ready to go in the freezer) chock full of tomatoes, peppers and onions. I'll take a container to work tomorrow and top it off with frozen kale to get some more greens in there.

Meds: I've cut back to one anti-anxiety pill a day and already notice an improvement in energy. They say the body doesn't react that fast, but whether it's mental or not I'll take it! I even have laundry in on a work night - odd to say the least. I'm not in a ton of pain this evening either, now if only the cough would go away I'd be a relatively happy camper. Come on Robitussin - get your ass in gear!

Needles

Yesterday I had an acupuncture session; my first ever. Getting up after the treatment I was dizzy and hot, there was no follow up with the Dr. Her assistant came in and was deft and quick in her removal of the needles. Never asked me how I felt, and I was never led to expect that reaction. It was a relief to get outside in the cool air, and then I sat for a bit in the car until I felt steady enough to drive. Once home I became a couch potato, making a dent in the list of recorded programs on the TV. I can only hope that this means my body is reacting to the treatment and they will be successful. As my DD pointed out, it's much like a good massage releases toxins and you have to flood them out with water afterwards, so I spent the evening hydrating and will continue to do so. Water is my friend.

This morning I am what passes for normal in my new drugged state. Woozy, uncomfortable, but in much less pain. Speaking of which, last night was the first time I climbed into bed without my little heated bag of rice to soothe my arm. I don't know if it was the treatment or because I left work early or the accumulation of drugs in my system; probably the synergy of all three. So apparently I am trading pain for feeling ... disoriented? Hard to explain, but not clear headed, not my personal brand of normal. For now I will accept this; while my arm is still achy and my fingers numb, at least my pain level is reduced to uncomfortable instead of debilitating.

I know what this feels like, it's the way I feel when I am having a vertigo attack, and hold myself still because I know when I move the world will spin. Except instead of spinning I just stay in this fuzzy anticipatory state of waiting to tilt. But I know this will fade as I remain upright, and that I will be fine to drive after breakfast.

All I want to do is curl up in a warm blanket and disappear. Instead I have water heating for tea, secure in the knowledge that I will gradually come to my senses and be able to greet the day properly; with gratitude instead of griping. As they say, every day I have my chance to start over. I just wish, for the moment, it didn't come with brain clouds.

So tired....

Didn't sleep much last night; Dr. prescribed a couple new drugs and I already feel lousy after one dose. I've been down this road before, and I don't want to take another step.

God, it's only Wednesday.

Stretched out flat

This morning I was stretched by KP and actually felt taller all day. I hope the traction helps. Seriously.

The Temptation to Game

My pain level has not been this low since March. At times it was actually gone yesterday, and this morning an hour has disappeared while I 'found things' in my favorite little facebook getaway, Hidden Chronicles or something. Is this seriously how I want to spend my keyboarding time? It was a thoughtless gesture, one made of habit rather than desire. I'm not sure I'm that girl anymore; audio book filling up my head, fingers and eyes engaged in mindless clicking and searching. Yes, it's a great way to disappear, but I don't think I want to do that so much anymore. It served it's purpose, but I am stronger mentally - well, more so than I was anyway - and I can think of other ways to use this new-found pain-free zone.

It's a lovely cool morning, how about puttering outside? Once Upon A Time that was my favorite summer 'quiet time all to myself rejuvenating' activity. Or a walk with Kaylee before work? Or some prep time in the kitchen so dinner is an easy peasy affair when I drag myself in exhausted at the end of another grueling work day.(another story for another day.)

I just need to wake up to the possibilities, and not let myself fall into old habits. That being said, I am ever so grateful for this new stronger anti-inflammatory med that gave me such relief yesterday, and I am actually looking forward to the difference it might make today. Yesterday it meant 3 quality hours with my granddaughter - and with a three year old that means going from one thing to the next with nary a break! And that after work. That moment when I realized I wasn't grumpy and impatient with pain was just...spectacular!

So now that my brain is atwirl I need to settle down and reflect on the fact that what I need to do while feeling up to it are my neck and shoulder exercises - not playing around with all the small everyday things that I have been missing. P&T baby; do the work, recover, then you can start checking off that not so much of a bucket list. What is that list called when it's not a bucket list? Oh yea, a honey do list.

drugs!

I finally have a prescription to try, a super anti inflammatory that the druggist suggested would even negate the need for the Tylenol I usually take with my ibuprofen. I know, drugs, blech. But seriously, being in pain MOST of the time has done significant damage to my mental stability and moral. This is just a tool so I can do the exercises, so that I can hopefully recover some semblance of my previously noteworthy deportment while I work on fixing my back, and front, and whatever.

In any case I feel more hope this morning than I have in a while. Go me.

think think think

My days have become a marathon of thinking - how is my head positioned, have I moved my head five times to the left this hour, why the fuck did I lift that bag of birdseed this morning?!? I am in constant posture review trying to avoid being in pain and then go make a single big mistake because for a moment I acted on instinct. At least the birds will be happy.

A year of walking?

My sister has been talking about restorative exercise with Katy for a long time, maybe a couple of years, and I think it's wonderful. I am so happy that she loves the classes, that she is pain free, and that she has a place to go and be healthy. She has even given me a set of CD's that I have attempted a couple of times. But I can't seem to make them a part of my everyday routine, and yes of course I have a list of reasons, the lack of a comfortable space being at the top of the list and my lazy nature being at the root of it.

But I have been struggling like never before with my health this year. And I am just about sick and tired enough of being sick and tired to maybe do something about it. It started in March when I fell, and things got really bad; I couldn't walk more than a block without my front shoulder busting out in pain, and becoming breathless. I was scared, so scared that I signed up for health insurance when it became available in July. Now here I am several scans, tests and PT appointments later and they have no magical cures. Nothing is wrong with my heart and they can't tell my what happened in the fall; they suspect my neck is involved but don't see anything damaged in the MRI. The two times I spent a half hour with my PT doing pressure releases down my neck, shoulder, ribs and arm were wonderful, but have done nothing to alleviate the pain.  And the exercises she has assigned left me in so much pain the first weekend I was in tears and self medicating with my partners pain pills and beer. Which I have repeated on more than one occasion since.

So at my PT appointment yesterday she says I need to walk. I explained how painful it was, so she said just walk slow, do NOT swing my arm, and if it hurts slow down more.  Which I did this morning, three blocks down then over one and three blocks back. I've been trying to dampen the pain all day - ice pack, shoulder pad massager, ibuprofen and tylenol. This is my weekend, I was so looking forward to a relatively pain free day. Yes I did some laundry, and some light grocery shopping, and took a much needed trip to the library for more audio books - but I was careful, and shouldn't be in this much pain.

Why am I typing if I am in pain? Because it distracts me. And because my day brought me into contact with 1. my email that I rarely check and which had the link from my sister to Katy's blog for shoulder pain which led me to 2. Dani's blog about walking everyday.

The Universe is yelling at me, and I am trying to listen.  I may not blog everyday like Dani, but I will try to walk everyday for a year. If I can't do at least that much.... well, I'm just going to that's all. And I need to make myself a space in the house where I can follow the CD's a few times a week. Basically, I need to take care of myself since the Dr. doesn't seem to be able to do it for me. Go figure.

They don't have to be long walks do they?

Really, one more thing?

What is up with my stomach, aren't the various aches and stabbing pains I already have enough to do penance for whatever evils I am paying for, do I really need one more thing to malfunction right now? Is it stress, the constant worry I carry around from day to day eating me up inside? Or is it the ibuprofen; my body finally saying enough already?

I go to a 'Neck Class' today at kp, I can only wonder what good this will do. It is the individual evaluation afterwards I  have pinned my hopes on, that maybe a technician has seen this before and knows exactly what I can do to start working towards fixing it.

In the meantime I have logged a lifetime of hours in front of the Olympics in the past few days - Oh to be an athlete again. That is certainly a dream. I want to be able to shoot, I want that piece of me back.

Morning Greens

As opposed to Morning Blues. I have a carrot juice, peach, strawberry, baby greens and flax meal smoothie ready to drink in the car on the way to work. iPod shuffle loaded up with 2 hours of audio book (no I do not wish to discuss the redundancy of that last comment) and my tennys on as encouragement to walk during lunch. It may be a slow painful walk, but a walk it will be. Fridays I downgrade from jeans to yoga pants for the office; I've seen worse.

I finally have the Dr's referral to PT (Physical Therapy, otherwise known as Pain & Torture to those in the know) and have left them a message to set up an appointment. As I type my right shoulder hurts and my right arm zips with various  pains and pins up and down along the nerves - this seems like something that could be diagnosed, no? I'm sorry, I like her and all, but I think I need a new Dr. And I wrote to her as such, which finally got the previously requested PT referral granted.

TGIF!  I am not working this weekend! Will I really get the fridge cleaned out and a juicer on the counter? Only the day will tell.

As I did not wear Fitbit yesterday I wonder where the little bit went!!
 132 steps taken

Last day (30/30)

Day before yesterday: it's all a blur, I forgot to post yesterday - sliding back into the old habit of doing a little gaming before work instead instead of writing. Didn't even think about it until I was leaving for work. Oh well, I almost made it thirty days.

News from the Dr. this morning is, and I quote, 'the heart stress test was ok'. She said we could try physical therapy if I wanted for the shoulder & back pain. Great. Maybe it's time for a 2nd opinion, because I can't keep going through each day in pain. Guess it's time to follow through on at least one intention and get the juicer and see if I can't make a difference to my own health.

Sincerely disappointed this morning, I wanted a clear path forward; it's so much easier to work at something when you know for certain you are making a difference towards a positive result. I guess that's what faith is all about, and maybe it's time for me to have faith in my ability to heal myself.

Maybe I need to find an acupuncturist here in town, it seems to have helped H with his shoulder problem.

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