Green juice and swimming

Ten days or thereabouts of adding fresh green juice to my days and my energy is slowly increasing, as is my mood. Hot weather has also sent me to the pool, as scary as that is being in a suit, so my activity level is up too.

Had a really nice visit up to Lodi over the weekend where H made things festive, relaxing and delicious. I feel like I'm leading us both on in a way, as comments went slipping past my ego and over my lips effortlessly. No untruths, just not necessarily things that should be said out loud. Oh well, one day at a time.

Lentil soup and more green juice for dinner, watching The Pacifier with A, and giving Kaylee a good brushing and oiling will be entertainment sufficient unto the day.

God I love being in a good mood; please last, please last, please last.....

The little bully

Today I saw peer pressure at work in the animal kingdom. Along with my daughter and granddaughter, their two puggles will also be moving in this weekend. Today they were visiting while major yard work was going on at their (old) house.

Setting the scene:  Two cats who have been shut in the house all day and three dogs who have been shut out in the backyard for the same time. I get home, and everyone goes crazy. Not necessarily because they love me but they know I can reach the food. Okay, they all love me in varying degrees but nothing that would make them yowl and jump and run around in circles the way the hope of a chicken strip will.

Once they inhaled their treats I got to work starting to move things around and they took off on sniff patrol, checking out every delectable smell still imbedded in the freshly cleaned carpet. Back to the felines, they are still huddled on my bed in full glare mode and pissed off they are expected to navigate their way past the dogs to get to the food in the dining room. I help a little, nudging the puggles out of the way and giving the cats a head start down the hall, and then I forgot about it as I began more sorting piles.

When the commotion broke out I was still a little distracted, and not realizing what the yipping meant I wandered into the master bedroom to behold Velcro (the 13ish year old shy female catapuss) crouched down in the middle of the room surrounded by the three dogs. Keep in mind there is no furniture in there yet. While the puggles are still at fault for watching, it was my little Kaylee who was darting in and repeatedly nudging Velcro with her long pointy dachshund nose. God I hate it when someone gets bullied in front of an audience. When that happens on TV I leave the room or turn the channel; it makes me plain crazy mad. So I yelled at the dog and scooped up the cat and tossed her on the carpeted tree, high enough to stay out of the fray, then sent them doggies packing. Really, the nerve.

Tonight it's all about the laundry, both houses need to get caught up so we can disconnect the washers and dryers for the move Friday. I hired Two men and a Truck and the more we can do the less time it will take them and the less it will cost. I sometimes imagine what it would be like to not have to count pennies and be able to just take care of everything with a wave of the hand. It doesn't bother me that we don't live like that, but that being said I know I would enjoy it if we did.

No rest for the wicked!

TGIF or TDIF

Originally I typed in the classic TGIF, but there is also something to be said to looking forward to spending two days with Kaylee, my furry little friend who knows when to stick close and ooze comfort. So Thank Dog It's Friday is also an appropriate sentiment, and the way I feel and think about God there is really no difference between the two. After all, Kaylee helps me find pieces of heaven on earth, reminds me that I can take one moment at a time and choose to be happy in it, and makes me smile whether I want to or not just by being herself. A lot of responsibility for one little dog, but her dwarven legs seem to be holding up fine under the pressure.

I hope to get a lot done this weekend, but then I always do! And I just realized that I haven't had as many 'mood' swings lately. The playing field of my brain has sort of evened out. Of course I still have my moments as evidenced by last night's mini melt down, but I am 'fine' this morning and not discouraged; there is no black cloud of regret hanging over this muss of morning hair. Maybe the anti-anxiety pills are finally having an impact. Or maybe my boat is sailing more smoothly under the steady pressure of the coming change. I'll go with the latter, I like that image ( I miss sailing.)

So a busy work day ahead - TGIHAJ - and then some taped shows to watch tonight. And popcorn just popped (ha ha) into my head. Warm, buttery, crunchy, end of the week treat! Of course I am all out so it will all depend on if I remember to run down to the store at lunch today. Hmmmm, 'A' might be coming to spend the night Saturday so perhaps I should save that treat to share with her; if it's one person who loves popcorn more than me it's my adorable 4 yr old granddaughter. That would be another good one, TAIF! Heaven knows her spirit soars and keeps me afloat much of the time.

Enough rambling; guess I needed to balance the universe with some positive energy after last night. Feels good, the whole feeling positive thing. I hope it sticks around a while.

I do spend a lot of time hoping for one thing or another don't I?

A Peek at Spring

Yesterday I drove to the coast with my two favorite girls. We rambled through sand and tide pools, falling a little, sweating a lot, and discovering all sorts of bits and pieces together. There is nothing quite like the call of a four year old shouting gleefully, "look what I found", as you hold your breath and pray for her good footing and balance to take precedence over her excitement to share. I came home with a small orange crab claw, two broken shards of shell, and a lighter heart. I also came home exhausted through and through. H came through with dinner, and I managed to drag my sorry ass into the messy kitchen and not exit stage left until it was clean. Aha! Something accomplished! The rest of the evening passed in a blur, and for the first time in seven years morbid thoughts did not consume me between 8:30 and 9:00pm.

It wasn't until this morning that the sad thoughts began to surface. Well, really only one. I realized that I have to believe there is something more than meets the eye, because Joey deserved better than the hand he played while here. Mostly that is what I think. There is a whole discussion to be had for what the human experience is, and what if anything follows or came before. It is one of my regrets that I have had no one to have those interesting conversations with; but that's about me, and I didn't sit down to whine.

I would rather gloat about the three lush mounds of cut grass that lay drying on the back brick patio. About how dismal the morning was, and how glad I was when the sun broke through. I had been wretched all morning, unable to wake up properly. Even after dressing with the intention to go buy cough drops and dish soap I ended up back on the couch to watch a movie I had recorded earlier in the day. When it was over I erased it and clicked on the next recording. Funny how things work. It was a surfing documentary, and after a few minutes of enjoying the sun vicariously through the tanned and muscled surfer dudes I realized the sun was actually making an appearance in my own back yard. Off went the TV, on went the crocs, and out the back door I flew.

How wonderful to be up and about, using my muscles, and feeling...worthy...for a moment. Just Grand. And I know I will be ever so grateful when the rain comes later this week and little Kaylee has short grass to wade through instead of the long dripping fronds that would have otherwise challenged her dwarfed legs.  She is so much nicer to cuddle when dry!

Walking the dog

I've been comparatively busy this past month, visiting friends in Texas for a week, getting ready for my daughter's baby shower. While in Texas I made it through what would have been my son's 25th birthday. I spent the morning walking and letting myself remember lots of happy memories, as well as some sad ones. It's okay to hurt, it's okay to feel, because then after I rant
and rave I can calm down and get back closer to normal. It's when I totally try to suppress the pain that it builds and becomes intolerable and freezes me.

This morning I made fondant for decorating the cupcakes I am taking to the shower, and I'm very happy about the way my sample turned out. Before cleaning up I needed to give my back a break, and having missing my morning walk decided we needed to go out. As I put on my walking shoes I asked my pup Kaylee if she wanted to go for a walk. Yes, yes, she pantomimed, bouncing around me and giving me kisses as I bent down to tie my laces. We headed out, me listening to "The Return of the King" on tape and her sniffing, sniffing, sniffing everything we passed. This is only possible because her nose is longer than her legs, and as she trots along her nose is at the ground without effort, sweeping this way and that, scoping out our path. We have walked to the pond and back enough times now that she knows what to expect. She knows I will let her say hello to the black and white cat that hangs out in front of the house we pass just before hitting the bike path that borders the water. And she remembers we have a place to rest a bit when we are about half way. A mile walk is fairly easy for me, but she will be panting before we reach home, having run almost the whole way. As we walk I can't help but notice how bright the day is, with big fat white clouds lumbering across a blue sky, their soft grey bottoms releasing the occasional raindrop. But mostly it's sunny, the wind a wonderful counter to the heat, and I feel blessed to have such a beautiful day to walk in, and such a wonderful companion to walk with.

Tomorrow my SO and I are going to an archery shoot, and will spend the day tramping around the hills. Kaylee is not trained well enough to go with us yet, but shows great promise. She listens well, and I have taken her to our local range with great success, so next Spring she will be going to shoots with us. Funny how it has taken the love of a little dog to help me start caring about life again.

A note about the homicide case: both defendants have been formally sentenced, the man who actually hit and killed my son was given a deal for lack of physical evidence, so he will only get 14 years. The DA's office is of the opinion that with his record, he will extend that by either misbehaving in prison, or breaking parole once out. It's taking me some time to assimilate this, I waited two years for the trial, and now it's all over, done, finished. Weird, strange, wrong...I miss my son, I want nothing more than to hug him and tell him everything is going to be okay. As time goes by and his memory doesn't fade I become less afraid of losing him; in some small measure it is like a part of him is still with me, and that will have to make do for the rest of my life. Big Sigh. But now I catch myself becoming morose, and that means it's time to log off and find something positive...like the joy I find in my little dog. It's not just the devil that's in the details.

Patsy

Ba dum ba dum ba dum....heavy paws beat like padded drums down the hallway, chasing me, there's a small wet kiss on my toe and then....ba dum ba dum ba dum she's off and away again. Standing at the sink I feel a soft touch of fur against the back of my foot, and I know to keep still and when I do move, it's slowly, carefully, ever mindful that she is just a tiny bit of a thing. I am exhausted, my mind hasn't had to focus on anything this much in a long time and the effort is showing. Not to mention getting up and down off the floor. OMG...I am so tired. And not because she isn't sleeping, she is an angel at night. She whines from her bed on the floor next to mine, and I whisper "Shhhhh, go to sleep" a couple of times and she settles in to sleep, never waking me during the night. My SO returned home last night, and she is taking her time warming up to him, he's a big guy with a deep voice, but he is slowly winning her over. The timing is bad, he is only home for the day, leaving tomorrow for Reno, another four days away; bonding time for them is very limited this time of year. But he finds her sweet and thinks she should stay. I wish I were as confident this is the right thing; a friend reminded me of an old saying that you aren't free until the kids move out and the dog dies. Sad but true, and I'm not sure I want to give up that freedom. Of course I have not been using my freedom for any good end, just to mope, swimming in that sea of me until I am weary and ready to beach myself. So yes, the diversion is good, and yes, I love the comfort she brings as she snuggles into my neck and gives me kisses. She is so smart, responds to verbal signals, has figured out the dog door, and waits patiently beneath my desk as I write. She is playful without being needy, and ever so cute. So I guess we now have a dog, and I need to go buy her a collar. Oh, she is a miniature dauchsund, born 10/31/07.