Orenda CleanBurnShape: 30/30 or100/100 or 1/1

As proof positive I have not been paying attention, my 100 day mark came and went yesterday with only the smallest of blips on my radar. I found myself thinking, "Oh, my hundred days are up, I can stop eating now." There are many things inherently wrong with that thought, but it does speak to my ongoing struggle with goals, deadlines, and mental challenges. Like looking in the mirror, seeing a slimmer version of myself, and immediately upping my calorie intake. I still haven't figured out that part - how is it wrong to look nice - and until I confront that particular demon I would imagine there isn't a plan on earth that will help. It must stem back to being molested as a child when I was endowed early with breasts and hips, but really, I thought I had let that go a long time ago. So what is it then? I love how I feel when I lose a few pounds, and then a few more. Why is it so alarming when I actually 'see' the results? Why the rebound eating? I wish I could just vacuum out my brain and start fresh - wait, isn't that what they call a pre-frontal lobotomy?

Anyway, I am happy to have lost and kept off 15 pounds, and I am still losing and gaining back another 5 so at any given day it may be 20. Each time I realize things are getting snug I become conscientious about using the CBS products and the pounds come right back off. I am hoping this is a transitional stage and that I will continue to lose now that I am free from the self imposed burden of a 100 day challenge. This is why teenage rebellion is so important, if you don't do it then, it rears it's ugly head later. Like in your fifties when you are supposed to be all grown up. Which is a delusional state in and of itself, but that is a conversation for another day. Besides helping me lose weight the plan did help me refocus on whole foods, nutrition, and taking care of myself better; all good things. And I reordered a bottle of Clean so I can continue using it one day a week just because it makes me feel...well, clean! I like feeling lighter in body and mind those days, not to mention the break from cooking.

I hate that I have decided there will always be good and bad days, because I believe thoughts are things and I need to keep working on weeding out the bad thoughts. I am better at it than I used to be so there is progress being made.

In any case, while disappointed that I couldn't focus my attention on the CleanBurnShape program for the full 100 days and can't help but wonder what would have been the result if I had just followed the plan for those days (such a short time in my life. Big Sigh) I am nevertheless feeling good, have more pants that now fit, and am looking forward to incorporating the products into an ongoing nutritious food plan.

Thinking about that, here is how the day is shaping up. We are just back from walking to the golf course coffee shop for a breakfast of sourdough toast and eggs over easy. This  morning I blended and reduced some left over bean soup into creamy, rich and delicious re-fried beans to use with the ripe avocados that are hanging out on the kitchen counter for taco salads at lunchtime. Then a Shape shake for dinner with spinach and blueberries, my favorite go to.  

As for the week, I'm not making my usual batch of weekend soup, it's time for a freezer purge and to use up all the frozen portions of homemade soups and stoups so those will be lunches or dinners next week depending on my mood. So for now the plan is back to normal, each day having a veggie bean soup, a chopped salad, and a green smoothie. I'll keep adding a scoop of Shape to my smoothies, and incorporate a clean day once during the week. I believe I can still be a smaller size come Thanksgiving, but am setting no specific goal for my monkey brain to fret over.

I really missed swimming last week, so I need to brave the cooler weather and make that happen on an almost daily basis again. Eat healthy, move more. That's the plan. Oh, and quit with the bread already! Jeez Loueez.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 19/30 or 60/100 or 1/40, 1/11 or 1/1

Sins of the Self, Deprivation & Overindulgence; or, I weary of the battle.

There was no battle yesterday, even though I didn't follow the CBS plan as outlined. I did take two Burn, but no Shape Shake. The day went just as planned, having a small popcorn at the movies, then a wonderful taco salad for dinner. And while the sour cream and crumbled tortilla chips were a little sinful, it was just a little bit and totally worth it. I had eaten a nectarine on the drive up to Lodi in the morning, and we had small bowls of MooseTracks ice cream for dessert. Oh, and a couple of drinks thrown in for good measure. A bottle of Angry Orchard hard cider (YUM) and then later a coke and cherry moonshine cocktail - so delicious I had two. Yikes, so when I add it all up a little more sinful than anticipated. We enjoyed the movie, then headed back to lounge in the air conditioning until dinner. Even though it was still warm at twilight we headed out on a walk into the vineyard that is behind his backyard. So fun to see the little green grapes in their bunches on the vines. And a good workout trekking on the soft dirt and uneven terrain.

I put some peanuts out for all the bluejays that were up in the pine tree outside the kitchen window and came away with pitch covered feet. Future reference - lemon oil works very well for cleaning it off and leaves a lovely smell!

I am back home early this morning; he has a Nascar race to watch and it's going to be 108 up there today. I have chores here and it's good to be home. But each time I go up I feel more at home there; it's really rather nice.

Back to my original thought - which came to me while driving yesterday - I am anxious to get back to where I was a couple of years ago when I had more balance in my eating regimen. Running smoothly in that mindset where about 80% is eating for nutrition and 10% splurging on treats (bread, butter, cheese) and the last 10% somewhere in the grips of the pleasure trap of oil, sugar and salt. (The rare potato chip or ice cream.) And when I spout percentages I think it's more about mental fences than calories. A 300 calorie pack of potato chips will never be 10% of my daily calories, but it can be a nice little splurge in an otherwise healthy week. Bottom line, splurging enough to keep out of the deprivation zone and never feel the need to overindulge. That's where I want to be again, where I will be. It felt good there.  One of the reasons I am loving this CBS program is that is fits in with my ideas of what makes sense nutritionally, and supports a continuing healthy lifestyle.

I have come away from my latest visit with H determined to be in better shape and shooting my bow this Autumn. I will need to continue to lose weight and work on my strength for this to happen. I need to move more in conjunction with the CBS plan, and I still think Yoga would be good for this. In light of this I added all the numbers in the post title, because I think I do better with more short term goals linked together; I seem to have lost focus thinking about long term results. And speaking as a food addict, really I need to look at this one day at a time for a bit. Or even shorter terms than that. I had eggs, hash browns and sausage for breakfast with H this morning (small portions of each after my Burn) but that does not mean I will be off plan the rest of the day. I will have my Shape shake for lunch and a veggies for dinner and lentils for my lean protein. There are ripe nectarines to be eaten too, and will make a wonderful dessert tonight.

Once I am up from blathering away all my good intentions here I will get up and move move move - the least secret and most important part of any weight loss program in my humble opinion. Because it is about a lifelong habit of living healthy - and I have remembered why I want that, why I use my OTropin every day, why I originally began eating for nutrition. There are things I love to do, and the next forty years could be the best of my life if I take care of myself. So I will.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 18/30 or 59/100

My morning ablutions are not normally so exhausting, but this is a 'date' day and I sit here with a biore strip on my nose, clean wet hair, smooth legs and soft heels. There are still creams and lotions to apply, bangs to blow straight, and a few stray eyebrow hairs to pluck. Getting old is hell! To think of the time I spent on these beauty routines over the years is nothing compared to most of my friends and acquaintances - how on earth do they do it? I have just taken my daily AIO and Burn and expect my energy to show up any minute;  normally I would have taken them before jumping in the shower but yes, I was thinking ahead to how I want to feel 'between the sheets' later on today.

It's not an 'Off' day on the CBS plan, but I envision popcorn at the movies (Star Trek!) for lunch (small bag, no oil or added salt flavourings.) I'll take my burn first, and we have a healthy taco salad planned later back at his home for dinner. Also hopefully a walk (read that as a slooooow stroll) in 100 degree weather to the river that runs along the back of the property if I can talk H and myself into it. The road to said river runs between burgeoning grape fields and I have been thinking of how wonderful it will be to check out a working vineyard first hand. I think I have already asked to be invited up when the harvesting begins.

One of my five wayward pounds is gone, and my mental health up another notch this morning. I know the other miscreant four will disappear quickly as I re-detox from the junk I indulged in the last couple of weeks. Well, indulged is the wrong word - I don't think I actually enjoyed any of it - except the cashews and blue cheese! Stress eating isn't about the food, it's about calming the mind and pushing aside stressful thoughts. I should be using Yoga for that, not food; something I have known for years but can't seem to get started. I feel ready now - where's my teacher? Aren't they suppose to appear? Or is that only true with the spiritual side...oh well.

So a fun weekend planned, today up with H and then home Sunday to putter around the house and swim with the girls. On product, on my feet, and away from the computer for at least 24 of those hours. I love thinking about the little house I will wake up in tomorrow morning, and I love this little house I woke up in today; time to make some tea, head out to the patio and feel some gratitude.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 17/30 or 58/100

Yesterday's Summer Salad Potluck was a great success; everyone seemed to love what I prepared, especially the Raspberry and garlic dressings. Most were surprised by the sprouted garbanzos, both by how easy it is to sprout them and how delicious they are, so it was nice to be able to introduce something new to them. It was a fun gathering, and as I hoped someone had roasted beets to bring. D made 'crack rolls' - OMG, everything we shouldn't have in one bite. Crazy.

Snacked on raw cashews on the way home, guess I should have put them in the way back of the car. But I walked over to get A and once R was home we did chores then took all three doggies for a walk; one dog each it was very nice. We went all the way to the dog park where we met several little cutie pies (and their owners) for the dogs to romp with - although by the time Kaylee began to warm up to the idea of being friendly it was almost 8:30 and time to head home. My only regret was not trimming my toe nails before heading out and my big toe is a little sore this morning. Considering my chest barely aches I am counting my toe pain as insignificant!  It was fun going for a family walk and we plan to do more of that now that the days are longer.

There is salad leftover in the fridge for an easy dinner...and having said that I remember that yesterday was suppose to be a clean day and I am switching with today. The salad potluck was planned in January, before I knew about the CBS plan, and since I was the instigator I didn't want to miss it.  So off to the kitchen to mix up my clean for breakfast and lunch today - I love these days and sometimes wish they were twice a week instead of once.

TGIF - I dream of the day Friday is once again just another day like any other. But for now it is the day us nine to fivers live for at work - sad but true.  And tomorrow is my trip up to Lodi for dinner and a movie or two; I'm not going to second guess anything or look at the future, I'm just following my feelings and living in the day, and tomorrow I want to be there so I'm going. That simple. I will admit that knowing H apparently also wants me to be there is very enticing, but I think we are both in the same place about this new friendship we have, so it's all good. And that is a sincere hope.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 14/30 or 55/100

Good heavens, where have the last three days gone! Sucked up into a vortex of words is where; I've been playing Words of Wonder, passing level after mindless level, and I've just realized it's to disappear.  It's hard to accept I have fallen back into depressive habits, but recognizing it is half the battle to crawling back out of the trenches and away from the blasted computer.

Beginning tomorrow I will add flax meal back into  my daily regimen, either on my morning fruit or in my smoothie at lunch - my brain needs the additional omega 3's! I will also stop the morning decaf - as much as I crave the comfort of it to get through the morning's commute, it is definitely disrupting my sleep.  There is stress at both work and home right now, so I have booked myself a little vacation time. First with H this Saturday and then at the massage parlour Saturday next. That should help somewhat, and give me something (or things) positive to focus on.

On the bright side Kaylee, A and I took a walk down to the pond and back today after work; it felt good to be back in my monkey shoes and it wasn't until just now that I realized I made it the entire way without the pain in my chest making an appearance. Admittedly I was walking slow given the short-legged company, but so had I been all the other various times I have tried walking in the past year.  I think being lighter has made a difference! How's that for incentive to get back on plan 100%!

I have been using the CBS products, but everyday there is also something added in extra that I shouldn't have - left over chinese, vegan spaghetti made with quinoa and corn noodles, blue cheese dressing, a fast food bean burrito (or two) - and tonight's dessert, chocolate coconut milk ice cream! Just a very small helping, not the half pint that it would have been were H and I sharing a carton. But really - so many refined foods are definitely not part of the program. For shame, I seem to have gone a little nuts for all my battling. Once again I have turned to food for release from the constant worry and stress with which I find myself imbued. Oh, and a glass of red each night to 'turn off my worry button' as H puts it.

I need an outside project to pour my energies into - I have discovered that if I don't move I eat to calm down. How counter productive is that?!?  Lord knows there is still much to do around here; finish my room, the backyard, my taxes, the garage .... a little overwhelming if the list is examined too closely but all very doable as individual projects. 

Just Move, Vail. It's really very simple.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 21/30

Kaylee and I were up early this morning and took a walk down to the pond. We met a duck on the path that winds around the water and he wasn't inclined to move, so I gave him a wide berth and perused the bushes he was guarding until I found his mate neck high in the tall gold grass.  Such bravery and dedication. Of course he was bigger than Kaylee, but still!

Back home I worked a bit in the back making sure there was fresh water for the day and planted our grocery store basil plant; I hope I didn't kill it.

A is up and eating Berries while I type, I've already had mine for breakfast, and as usual had my first Burn with my AIO this morning. I'm happy with the progress we made out front yesterday, potting several flowers and cleaning up dead leaves. Very pretty and Spring like out there now. 

Today I need to work in the back and make it dog-safe for company; mostly just finish up the foxtails and hose off the patios.I am happiest when I am on my feet puttering, able to do something where I can see a difference. I can hardly wait until the back yard is someplace we can go enjoy a meal, or read a book, without looking around thinking about everything that needs to be done.

A wiggling four year old is not conducive to typing, so it's back to the real world. The only agenda for today is working out back, following the CBS program, and doggie meet & greet later this afternoon.  Yesterday was a great Saturday, and I'm expecting today to be equally fine - and cooler!

Around the block

My lungs ache, whether from the change from stale to fresh air or the stress of just breathing heavier than usual, they are just a little stressed. I think walking must be important when we are sick, so that we pump our Lymph system and help remove the crap we have stored there while fighting a virus, or whatever. But it sure is exhausting. It was more a stroll than a walk; Kaylee and I just meandering down the sidewalk while she took advantage of the pace to sniff everything she could. I was so happy to see the home stretch, a short enough piece since we are only one house in from the corner, and relieved that one, we had made it out out for our walk and two, we were done!

I anticipate each day will get better, but will keep the walks short while I am fighting this cold.  I won't necessarily blog each day, but walk I will. Speaking of blogging, I was watching Contagion earlier and there was a great line that went something like this, "Blogging isn't writing, it's graffiti with punctuation." That tickled my funny bone, not that I  necessarily agree with the statement, but that I love the idea that what I do here is expressive enough to be called graffiti.

Back to my tea.

100 days to May 6th

I think I have mentioned Dani's blog before, Walk the Year. She is on day 256 and has 100 days left to go to complete her year of walking. I am going to join her. As I posted on her blog this afternoon, while I am sick it may only be around the block, but walk I will for the next 100 days. Probably mostly while on my lunch break at work, because taking my lunch is another goal I have, but I am entitled to an hour each day so I can certainly spend at least half of it walking.

It feels good to set a smart goal; I don't believe I have ever done that before. If you have read any of my blog you will have determined that I am not the most steadfast of fellows. Rather I tend towards being a bit of a flake despite my good intentions. And I also tend to think I always need help - this will be just for me, and just by me. A small thing really, but I am anxious to start. I will start this with a new tag called 100 days.

Damn, now I have to get dressed.

Predawn

Why is there not a word as special to the morning as twilight is to the ending of the day? Predawn is an insult to the light and shadows, the muted colours, the crisp air; it is but an announcement of the forthcoming glory of the sunrise - which I in no way wish to diminish - instead of being an ode to the wonderfulness of the morning just before sunrise. In fact evening also has dusk - what's up with that?

I'm just saying. We need a new morning word or two.

It was so quiet as we trekked down to the pond and back not even a duck quacked - THEY have nothing to do with daylight savings, wafting quietly upon the dark water. Upon reaching home the honk of a single goose finally broke the day open and the small twitterings of the birds soon followed.

I am grateful for the pockets of wildlife I encounter when I am out and about. Grateful for my little dog to venture forth with me. Grateful that I was able to take a walk this morning.

My 'extra' hour was well  spent.

2 Mile

The morning was cool and foggy, and heading out for my walk I couldn't help but admire the enriched colours and clean lines that the fog had left behind as it touched every stalk and leaf with it's gentle bath. The tall golden grasses, the dark bark of the trees, everything looked fresh and new and ready to be immortalized in a picture. Further down the road my quiet was broken by the raft of ducks that had collected in a morning chorus on the pond. What a racket! I love this path that runs between and betwixt the pond and the channel where egrets were hopping about with their head plumage spiking as they faced each other in their morning dance. And one great white stalking grandly down the bank, holding court for all the common egrets at play.

My thought this morning as I dressed to go walking was that there would be a sunrise to enjoy at one point, making it worth the dark and chilly effort. Nevertheless I was surprised by the light as I rounded the park to turn back towards home. Across the park and beyond the pond and even past the golden foothills there it was, a golden disc gleaming brightly behind the dark silhouettes of the trees that dotted the landscape. Sending to earth it's golden shafts that reached to the lawn in brilliant fans, I could barely drag my eyes away and walked with sunspots for the next quarter mile. I must have stopped a dozen times admiring the view and holding my hands up to frame a shot of the light beams that shot between the trees -why am I not carrying my camera with me; so crazy.

Finally back home to find Kaylee perched on the arm of the couch waiting patiently for me. The two mile walk is too long for her until I feel her paw is completely healed, and upon seeing her expectant little face I promise to take her out later for a short jaunt just to the pond and back.

I felt so many things this morning; first a tiny bit grumpy at making myself go out and walk, then grateful I was able to go out and swing my arms and feast my eyes on so much glory, and finally warm and a little sweaty and proud of myself for a walk well done.

Wool socks and crocs - very comfortable and warm to walk in on a dry cold mornings so no more excuses. It has been a good weekend of walking and healthy food, and I hear a Garden Pie calling my name for dinner. I think I will even make a little gravy using a little coconut oil and garbanzo flour: I can imagine the smells of it baking already.

oh the pain

My shins are killing me - two days of walking in my Nike's and I wonder how I ever did this five miles at a time. I also remember constantly stretching my calves and despite my best efforts waking up with a charley horse in one calf or the other during those years. Bananas were the solution, ramping up the magnesium and or potassium (?) seemed to reduce the chances of waking in panic and pain. Funny how it never occurred to me either then or back in my running days (a couple of lifetimes ago in high school) that the pain meant I wasn't suppose to be doing what I was doing, rather than that I was deficient in some way.

To this day I include a banana with breakfast, either in my green smoothie or on my toast and nut butter.

Now I just want to find some warm neutral heel winter walking shoes and do the same 2 mile route and see what happens. It is really the shoes or is it just me being out of shape; wow, it is so easy to find a roosting place for inadequacy on my shoulders. More years later than I want to count and it's still about me not being good enough? Somebody please send me a psychotherapist! Or not, I'll figure it out.

But not this morning. It's cold, I have oatmeal bubbling on the stove, and my walk can just go take a hike this morning - pun intended.

I will walk at lunch in my crocs. And weather permitting (yes I am a fair weather walker) I will take Kaylee out when I get home from work. Sigh, my road to hell is so well paved.

Walking

I have been following Dani's walking blog, switched my foot gear to monkey shoes, and despite these efforts have not made much progress in my efforts to try a new approach to getting healthy. Or healthier. Or not so gross. Whatever. But this morning I discovered something. It was too cold to wear my new shoes, my toes were frozen just from my brief excursion into the back yard to put peanuts out for the squirrels and blue jays. And I had just mapped a walking route at Map My Walk after reading about it in aforesaid blog. The idea of trekking out for two miles with cold toes kept me in my chair for about an hour while I finished up  my 'farming' chores online. Then it occurred to me that instead of waiting until I had the perfect 'winter neutral heel walking gear' I could just wear my Nikes. Millions do.

So off I went, without Kaylee because her paw is still healing, determined to make it the whole route. It didn't take more than a dozen steps to realize I was walking differently. Like my body had a different center of gravity and I was using my thighs more and my feet less. Over the course of the next hour while I walked I noticed that as I became accustomed to the shoes the tendency was to push off harder with my feet and my shoulders would hunch and my head would begin to strain forward. I immediately relaxed my shoulders, brought my head back into alignment and took the tension out of my feet - how great it felt!

Gone is the stress of not walking correctly; I will wear my monkey shoes in mild weather to remind myself how if feels to walk, and the tennys when it's cold or wet until I can find something better now that I know I can reign in the impulse to walk out of whack, so to speak.  I think a trip to Dom's today is in order, maybe they have some good winter walking shoes.

Also while walking today I realized that I keep trying to piece meal out my writing.  The reality is that I can't write about one thing (food, walking, craziness) without all the rest. I am all of it, and I should keep it all in one place.  And this is the logical location. I like the new Map My Walk site, I think it will keep me motivated to be able to schedule different 2-mile walks and I am hoping other facebook friends will join me there. But this is where I will write and tie it all together.

Yes, it's feeling a little manic this morning. But it feels good after a bout of crazy.

Another Blog

In an attempt to separate my rantings about food from the rest of my craziness and to hopefully garner some support in my attempt to walk more and eat healthier I set up a new blog this week. Hopefully the friend I invited to join me will participate. I didn't get off to a great start, but that would be typical of me. Walkabout is intended to be a place we can share how our day went, be honest and make progress in the right direction: walking more and making healthier food choices. Even if it turns out to be just me, eventually I can merge the blogs, I think. Guess I am still looking for that one magic bullet (pun intended) that will help me care enough to turn the corner from good intentions drive to healthy girl boulevard. The above link is to my incredibly depressing day two post at the new blog. Things are not looking up - YET! But they will, even in my food induced drug haze I can at least see that  much. They will.

A quiet walk

It is rare that I can convince myself to leave the house to walk unaccompanied. I have to have a story in my ears to venture forth, a distraction, a shield from my thoughts that tend toward the morbid once let loose. But this morning my shuffle was not cooperating and time was running short if I was going to walk before work.

I'll thank Danni for the inspiration to get my feet out the door. (Dani's Blog)

I took a deep breath, clipped Kaylee to her leash and headed out in my toe shoes, which I think Dani calls her monkey feet.

It wasn't too bad. A few songs inserted themselves into my walking rhythm, I heard little noises I don't normally register with my ear buds in, and mostly just enjoyed the quiet. It could have been prettier, the high grey clouds casting a pall over everything, but that in itself lends an appreciated gloom to the walk.

It is becoming a habit, these early morning jaunts.

Good for me!

Photo Op

Yesterday morning I was up at 6 and out the door for a walk, and arriving at the pond some ten minutes later I found a beautiful picture waiting for me. The pond was perfectly still and darkly glassy with a small family of ducks gliding ever so quietly through the moonlit dappled water; not a ripple did they make. The backdrop of  foothills crested with the pale strawberry of a burgeoning sunrise intensified the stark black outline of the trees growing on the banks of the pond, and above it all in the still mostly black sky were the old and new moons joined at the crescent while a bright planet anchored the whole breathtaking scenario from its place of honour high above. (get a grip girly..anyway...) My kingdom for a camera, I thought. I really need to start taking one with me when I actually get out and about.

I kept my eyes searching upwards as I made my way home, admiring the different views and how one tree in the foreground made me think I was slogging my way through a jungle while the next bristly outline took me swooshing into a forest. Perspective, that mover and shaker of personalities, ideas, prejudices - we are not just what we eat, we are what we see and feel and hear. And if I think we are all so wonderfully unique, why can I not appreciate those differences in others? Why am I missing the gaggle of girls on my side of the gymnasium instead of being irritated by the different (and oh so obviously wrong) perspectives of others?

Why my brain is beating this particular dead horse I have no idea. And my choice of words saddens me because they are so bereft of hope. I am what I am and everyone else go fuck themselves?

How mature am I!?!

get'cher 'manic' on

I am wary of my slightly manic tendencies this morning. 

I woke early (thanks Kaylee and whatever wildlife she was protecting us from), finished listening to my audio book as I lay enjoying the grey cool dawn that hovered outside my soft warm bed, read a couple of chapters out of my Eat Right America booklet for inspiration, and then made a luscious breakfast saute of onion, potato and spinach. 

I cleaned up after breakfast (what?) and am dressed and ready for walking. It was when I clipped on my FitBit and wondered if I should make this a 10,000 step Saturday that I realized I was in manic mode.

Manic mode scares me, I don't have a great history of handling this abundance of energy very well, often overwhelmed by my intentions to the point of instigating a premature crash - as in on the couch with a bowl of something bad.

This morning is a little different because I am also in observer mode. What can I do around the house to make it feel better without stressing my back, what can I make to eat that doesn't entail using up what back I have so I can do something, anything, else besides cook today, and lets edit down the list of PT exercises I should be doing to just those that are ... least painful? most effective? fun? It's Saturday, I shouldn't be inflicting pain, not even upon myself. Maybe just the foam roller to stretch out the old spine - wonder what Katy thinks of that particular torture device.

So my Honey Do list (again, I am the honey) is shrinking as I type and after my walk I will pare it down even more; something along the lines of: clean off the patio table and pick up two flowers to plant in empty pots; walk morning, noon & evening to rack up those steps, and  pick up some pre-chopped veggies to throw in the crock pot with the greens I need to use up.

I'm so excited that the weather is going to be back down in the 80's for the day, that I only need to go into the office if I want, that I am looking forward to walking, and that healthy food is on my menu for the day.

As M would say, 'it's all good'.

The weight of the world

Kaylee and I made it to the pond and back today; she sniffing long unused trails and me sporting my new fivefingers walking shoes. And while it was wonderful to feel like I had accomplished something once I stood  gazing out over the water and searching for ducks while being gently buffeted by a cool morning breeze, it was the thought that squirmed its way in between the words of my audio book that opened my eyes as I approached the last part of my walk back home. These shoes were forcing me to take responsibility for my weight. No deep cushion to rebound off of as I strode forward,  no bounce to my step increasing my speed (how we all need to win). Just thoughtful steps one after the other moving me along at the speed of ... me.

And with the thought that I was in fact supporting my own weight, came the breath of an idea that I could in fact support the responsibility of taking care of myself in the same careful measured way that these shoes were compelling me to walk. One careful step at a time instead of struggling under the burden of the undone honey do lists that kept me bound to immobility.

How many times have I looked forward to the weekend and all of the things I wished to accomplish only to veg out in front of the tv instead.  Being overwhelmed is such a constant state of affairs in my attic that I rarely follow through on my good intentions.

So today my one careful step forward will be to weigh out 2 pounds of veggies and divide them into what I will eat raw and what I will cook into something wonderful.

I expected to meet old friends long unseen as I reached the pond today, but I guess they were all out and about taking care of their own business. Meeting a bit of myself instead was an unexpected surprise.

Now to stretch my calves before I cool down any more!

fivefingers

Daily Goal: Sufficient unto the day is the walk I take. 

I don't know yet if these new fivefinger walking shoes are weird, healthy or just my latest attempt to motivate myself to get out and walk.  What I do know is that I can see my left ankle is swollen - is this really from the damage done when I sprained it so badly about ten years or more ago? I stepped out of the front door, tripped, twisted my left ankle and landed on my right foot so hard I broke my leg.

I will continue to wear them inside the house on and off this weekend and then decide if I am keeping them to walk in or returning them. I can tell already that they might be a titch small, and also that they could potentially be very comfortable. I'll have to be careful walking and do some googling about that before I hit the pavement - but at least my energy is positive and my outlook hopeful.

I want to send a shout out to Dani for her encouragement - catching up on her walktheyearblog is helping me in more ways than one. I love her writing style and guess what? She reminds me of... of me! Or who I could have been, or am but only barely, or something along those lines. Anyway, great reading in short spurts each day is a wonderful thing to be able to lay my eyes on at a whim.

I have not been walking everyday, I have been doing my PT exercises more regularly - well sort of - and so grateful that my pain has been less all week. I just need to dial back on everything I want to do and remember I will pay for it later if I'm not a little more careful now. Less pain doesn't mean I get to pretend I am healthy and do too much.

I will walk
I will eat plants
I will heal
I will be happy

How is that for a short precise list?

A year of walking?

My sister has been talking about restorative exercise with Katy for a long time, maybe a couple of years, and I think it's wonderful. I am so happy that she loves the classes, that she is pain free, and that she has a place to go and be healthy. She has even given me a set of CD's that I have attempted a couple of times. But I can't seem to make them a part of my everyday routine, and yes of course I have a list of reasons, the lack of a comfortable space being at the top of the list and my lazy nature being at the root of it.

But I have been struggling like never before with my health this year. And I am just about sick and tired enough of being sick and tired to maybe do something about it. It started in March when I fell, and things got really bad; I couldn't walk more than a block without my front shoulder busting out in pain, and becoming breathless. I was scared, so scared that I signed up for health insurance when it became available in July. Now here I am several scans, tests and PT appointments later and they have no magical cures. Nothing is wrong with my heart and they can't tell my what happened in the fall; they suspect my neck is involved but don't see anything damaged in the MRI. The two times I spent a half hour with my PT doing pressure releases down my neck, shoulder, ribs and arm were wonderful, but have done nothing to alleviate the pain.  And the exercises she has assigned left me in so much pain the first weekend I was in tears and self medicating with my partners pain pills and beer. Which I have repeated on more than one occasion since.

So at my PT appointment yesterday she says I need to walk. I explained how painful it was, so she said just walk slow, do NOT swing my arm, and if it hurts slow down more.  Which I did this morning, three blocks down then over one and three blocks back. I've been trying to dampen the pain all day - ice pack, shoulder pad massager, ibuprofen and tylenol. This is my weekend, I was so looking forward to a relatively pain free day. Yes I did some laundry, and some light grocery shopping, and took a much needed trip to the library for more audio books - but I was careful, and shouldn't be in this much pain.

Why am I typing if I am in pain? Because it distracts me. And because my day brought me into contact with 1. my email that I rarely check and which had the link from my sister to Katy's blog for shoulder pain which led me to 2. Dani's blog about walking everyday.

The Universe is yelling at me, and I am trying to listen.  I may not blog everyday like Dani, but I will try to walk everyday for a year. If I can't do at least that much.... well, I'm just going to that's all. And I need to make myself a space in the house where I can follow the CD's a few times a week. Basically, I need to take care of myself since the Dr. doesn't seem to be able to do it for me. Go figure.

They don't have to be long walks do they?

Judgement

I was treadmill walking this morning, reaching deep for motivation to keep going because I was doing too good a job of rationalizing away to myself at why a mile and a half was good enough.  And in my desperation I began to listen to my ego. I know that we have at our core a need for self preservation, and I believed it when I read that the ego was born as a means to support survival instinct. So I found myself listening to my ego as I walked - I'm going faster than that person, I have better form than this one, and why is that lady even here she is going so slow??? Look at me how my shoulders are down and relaxed, my stomach pulled in tight and my breathing steady through my nose as I clip along at a decent incline and pace; look at me and how perfectly I walk!

I caught myself rather quickly, reminding my ever so nasty ego that everyone has a story, that everyone is doing the best they can, and that the person behind me is finding fault with my big butt, my choice of shoes, and pitying me for my mop of hair that had been quickly swooshed back into a clip this morning just as surely as I am judging those in front of me.  We all do it, we judge ourselves by looking outside of ourselves to compare what we are with what someone else is instead of rating ourselves against our own inner divine standards. This is the ego at it's worst. I guess really I should say this is MY ego at it's worst, because I can't really speak for anyone else.  Well, I can, but I shouldn't.

So instead of looking outwards I began to focus my attention inwards towards the athlete I once was and will be again. Inwards to where I keep a fortress of knowledge and where friends are cheering me on and rooting for me to succeed. Inwards to where I am good and pure and wholesome and healthy and from where all things wonderful are born. And when I looked up the last half mile was gone and I punched the cool down button with a vengence! Ha! Take that! 

So of course I had to come home and brag about not giving up, because last night I did give up, and I fell headfirst into a package of cookies.  This is not unusual behavior on a day that began with cold pizza.  So all of my good intentions to excuse my breakfast choice yesterday aside - NO MORE PIZZA FOR BREAKFAST ...lol, at least for a while.

I have shorts I want to fit into this summer, and in remembering that I want to share a line from a PT buddy that I found inspiring this moring, "You can have either excuses or results; not both."   Amen.