Bright Line Freedom; making progress

When I wake up tomorrow morning I will have five Bright days and nights under my belt. Last night was easy, and today the chatter was gone. Thank heavens! I anticipate keeping my lines for quite a while going forward; it's just too true that a break can be devastating and I'm just exhausted from the past few months. Struggling every day to just maintain the weight I've lost was absolutely crazy. I'm so glad events conspired to make a space for me back on the wagon. I attribute this to spending more time listening to  the SPT vlogs, the support of my Master Mind Group, and most importantly the parts work we are doing in the Bright Line Freedom class. And when I say events conspired, I mean that I didn't give up. In my attempt to be unstoppable I made things happen. Go me.

I came across this entry from Susan from last year, and it so perfectly described what I am trying to accomplish I thought I would share so I have a reminder to revisit this again.  It turns out that curiosity is for more than killing cats, it's also for melting away the urge to eat. I am so thankful that this 'self-therapy' is actually working.

Today I made black eyed pea soup in the instant pot.  I started with the linked recipe, but was out of  green peppers so doubled up on the celery. I also added in a 32oz can of crushed tomatoes and used the full 16oz bag of dried peas. My pot was full to the MAX line, and the soup was delicious. Peas were cooked perfectly, the jalapeno was just the right amount of heat, and I got to use fresh thyme from the back yard!

Yesterday in the instant pot I braised (?) a pork shoulder and then roasted tons of veggies in the oven, so my food is prepped, weighed and measured for days to come. I think it will be the last roast I cook, I was pretty disgusted when it was all done; a sure sign I am heading back to a plant based menu. I'm enjoying my oatmeal with banana most mornings, adding in a blend of flax, chia, and hemp seed hearts, along with pecans and peanut butter. How decadent and nutritious is that?!?

So grateful tonight for the calm thoughts and positive energy. Even if it was a rough day in other aspects, I know that I handled it much better for having the food under control again. So so grateful. So glad to be on this journey that is turning out to be more than just losing weight. Who knew that was just going to be a side effect? Knowing that eventually I can get back to being my own true self, whoever that is, is such an exciting thought and fills me with a happiness I didn't really think I could ever find.

More about that later, I am tired and off to bed.

Bright Lines; week 1 in review

This morning was the first time waking up this Autumn, cozy in the warmth of flannel sheets, that I wanted to indulge in the the luxurious feeling of snuggling back into a warm nest instead of rising. The sheer joy of the moment.almost prevailed.  Instead my brain gradually began obsessing over the scale and what I would see after my week of bright lines. Of course the siren's call of the scale won.

A bit about scales. I don't like them. I stopped weighing myself about three years ago - the same time I stopped dieting. I was done. Yet somehow the scale has been sitting like an artifact in a museum, taking up real estate in my bathroom, never used and always in need of a good dusting.

This morning is was my friend for a change. And I'm down just a tinch over three pounds. I can't remember that ever happening before, I had made the mistake of weighing in yesterday 'just to see' and the chatter it ignited in my brain was unwelcome. Now part of me wants to put it away for a month, and the argument is that this was a fluke and I need to weigh again next Sunday to make sure this is really happening. Then I can put the scale away for a month. But I have a feeling that the obsessive tendencies of my brain will keep me on the scale for a while to come. What a ridiculous thing to keep thinking about; shutting it down NOW.

The week in review.  I think I can't call this Bright Line Eating yet. After listening to the book again I realize just how far off center I am from the program.  I went into this knowing I was shooting for maintenance, that I knew myself well enough to avoid the heartache of jumping in full throttle just to be disappointed and end up a depressed blob at the bottom of a pity pool. And I had so much experience on eating for nutrition, that this past week was really just about the bright lines I drew between myself, flour, sugar, and snacking.  There is so much more to her plan that I am not doing.

That being said, what I did worked, and I will keep on this path as long as it keeps working. If I get to a point where I'm no longer losing, then I will look more seriously at the details. The one bright line I did not draw was for weighing and measuring. While I am weighing grains, starches, and protein to make sure I am getting enough and not too much, I am counting on my experience for the veggies. I know what a salad should look like and have been making them in the same wooden bowls for years. Lord knows I've weighed enough salads in them.  And I'm not measuring my salad dressing, or the oil I use to cook; these are things I can do later if needed or desired. I'm also not sitting at the table to eat, unwilling to give up my dinner date with Star Trek most evenings.

I wasn't interested in being told what to eat, I was interested in healing my brain. I'm invested in getting rid of this addiction and alleviating my depression. And yes, I want my inner athlete back. I want the whole kit and caboodle of Happy, This and Free. So at some point I may be interested in being told what to eat, but for now I will continue what worked last week. Eat for nutrition, bright lines against flour, sugar and snacking, and using my journal for food planning and gratitude.

Go Me..

Bright Line Eating

In the shower this morning, planning my day and thinking about shopping for food to support Bright Line Eating, the thoughts came fast and furious and I wanted to journal. I have purchased a paper journal for a daily evening gratitude entry, and thought that would be a good place, but immediately realized that my handwriting would never keep up with the words rushing from my little grey cells. So here I am, back on the blog I had forsaken as a futile exercise in self help.

Good for me, I haven't really given up, just taken a break. A break from managing my food, a break from disappointing myself, and a break from recording the whole shoddy mess. 'That being said' (I love to say that) I owe respect and gratitude to my past self for lessons learned, and for carefully putting my tools away so I could find and use them later.

I have not finished listening to Bright Line Eating yet, but I already have one foot on board. To oversimplify, there are many parts to the eating program that speak to how I ate for the three years I was eating for nutrition and lost 50 pounds. I've had a few conversations with people in my life about why I couldn't sustain eating that way, and perhaps Susan (Susan Peirce Thompson, Ph.D. who wrote BLE) has the answer. But I have been impressed enough to call this Day One and have erected three of the four bright lines that are proposed in her book. A bright line is a line you won't cross, and I drew mine this morning for sugar, flour, and snacking. Again, I am oversimplifying, Suffice it to say that I will not be eating sugar or flour, and I will not be snacking between meals.

For right now I will be pepping means for nutrition and following the guidelines for veggies, protein and fruit that I have found online for Bright Line eating. I haven't reached the food plan in the audio book yet, but I have been listening to a couple or three vlogs by Susan each day to supplement my listening. Breakfast was a side of sweet potato &onion hash and 6oz of fruit (blackberries & apple) microwaved until jammy and stirred into Greek yogurt and pecan pieces. A hearty breakfast. For lunch I sauteed peppers and onions until cooked then stirred in mushrooms and cooked until brown and the water had evaporated. For protein I microwaved with cheese and added some sausage. I had flavoured the veggies with fennel, italian seasoning and red pepper flakes so the resulting bowl had all the comfort of pizza but no sugar or flour.  Not on program I would guess, but the proportions of veggie to protein should have been close.

Dinner was lentil stoup, made with a couple of smoked turkey wings, a little wild rice, and lots of onion, carrot, zucchini and spinach. I de-boned the wings and threw away the bone, skin and fat, adding the meat back to the veggies. So Delicious.  I had forgotten how much I adore stoups. And there is enough for several more dinners, quick and easy, in the coming week.

As I continue learning about the program my menu will adjust accordingly, but I have no desire to dedicate myself to eating perfectly in order to get the optimal results. I am too old and know myself too well to go there. Instead I will eat more as if I were on maintenance for now. Just eliminating sugar, flour and snacks is already a huge change and I don't want to add any additional stress to my life.

Speaking of my life, let's catch up a bit. I began eating meat again a couple of years ago. Just BLT Mondays with the family at first and gradually other items became something I wasn't saying no to as my daughter and her family prepared their meals. Mostly it was just easier. And then came the holiday season of 2018, and with it RSV - a nasty cold virus - and complications for my little grandson C. He was in and out of hospital fighting to breathe, and finally in February was diagnosed with Leukemia. He has been in and out of hospital for treatments and urgent care on and off all year, including his 2nd birthday, and remains in treatment with a good chance of recovery. But the long term side effects of the treatment are something I know a nutritious diet may help mitigate and this is part of my incentive to think about my food, and weight, and ability to move so I can set a good example.

So here I go, putting on the oxygen mask.

I have a meditation book to read each morning, a stool to help me be comfortable while I meditate, and a journal to end each day with a gratitude entry. We have all learned that we need positive thoughts just to get through each day without losing our minds, and I have no room for any negativity. Part of Susan's philosophy is to remove the chatter from our brains, and I love how she has introduced brain science into the equation of how we eat, how we shouldn't eat, and why.

It's been a busy day, and I feel different just from deciding to do this. I have been listening to the book for a few days and woke up this morning and just decided. A quick trip to buy groceries and some time spent in the kitchen and I'm on my way. I'm really looking forward to eating better this week; I'm really looking forward to feeling better!

Peace Out.

A Beach Day

I began my morning by trimming back a wayward tree in the back that was pushing up against the arbor. I filled up the green waste bin while adding water to the pool, and then it was time to get ready for our trip to the beach.

It was another beautiful day in Ventura; basking in the sun and soft ocean breezes, crashing through the waves with A by my side, or our side depending who was in the water with us. Such great exercise, bracing our legs against the power of the ocean, or going in deep enough to swim while the swells push us around, sometimes jumping into the incoming wave and laughing at the salt water going up our noses. So wonderful. I even got to close my eyes and relax for a bit, not worrying about A with other eyes on her as she covered herself with sand, chatting away to the world at large and keeping a smile on my sad old face. Down at the water I noticed that I was not the only grandma there with a grandchild; apparently it is quite the thing to do.

We had deli sandwiches for lunch, and stopped to bring in Mexican food on the way home. (Cheese enchiladas for me!) It was really nice this morning to see a pound gone, a real one this time, the number read from the same scale as the day before. And in a frightening sort of way, good to see 230 again but this time on the way down.

Family is coming over today, and it's time to go help A with her bowl of cheerios and get ready for the day. This visit has flown by exceptionally fast, and we leave for home tomorrow. But first....getting through today.

Rotten Bananas

"Waste not want not!"  I learned this in spades working alongside my mother in law in the restaurant business years ago and I carried the lesson home. But a large banana no matter how close to being over-ripe and needing to be eaten up is too much sugar in the morning. However, my compulsion to eat them before they go bad can be tempered by common sense and I am going to cut the remaining two into halves and freeze them for future smoothies. Here is this morning's breakfast.

I am very peased about the cashew milk. No sugar, a healthy fat, low in calories, and my smoothie is super creamy and satisfying.  I did think about picking up fast food (I had been invited to breakfast with M and A but declined wanting to stay here and putter) but only for a moment. I had already had my decaf - oops, forgot to log my cream this morning; i'll add it now so it's in the daily totals later - and it was already getting warm out; it will be another triple digit day. So a cold smoothie seemed like just the ticket for breakfast, and I am glad I did. I know I burned out on them a few years ago when I was in losing mode, and I will moderate my use this time around in hopes that doesn't happen again. We should chew our food as much as possible, and a smoothie is still 'processed' no matter how healthy the ingredients. I will say it is a great vehicle for a blast of greens in the morning, as are roasted potatoes but that is another breakfast for another day - like next weekend when I am visiting Mom.

Back to sipping and puttering on a quiet Sunday morning.

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What if my perspective is slightly skewed? I know from my favorite critical thinking class in college that we all look at things differently based on our personal experience. What if the trait I think of as obsessive and therefore avoid, is actually focus and I have misused this ability my whole life? What if I let myself go and become 'obsessed'  with my eating for a few weeks? Realizing that perhaps it is just me focusing on something important. Interesting. So in a flash of inspiration I created a summary sheet in my tracking file letting my 'focus' take hold and drive. Below is a sneak preview; i'll just copy and paste the totals from each day's record into the summary and post that each three days. In the meantime if I feel the urge to share something daily I will, and it won't be about me wasting time being obsessive, it will be about spending time to focus on something that really matters to me. Like my weight and how it relates to my health, so I added a weight column. Hey, I am down .2 pounds from the last time I recorded my weight on January 1st. Ha!

I can already see that this will be a good tool for gauging my eating habits from a broader view. Isn't that what the weight loss 'experts' say? To look at a long term graph and not the daily ups and downs? I am already thinking about drilling down this summary sheet (which is set up for three days) to a 30 day sheet and then use that to graph my progress. See how fast it snowballs? But I will think of it as focus and not obsession or compulsion and see where it takes me. So, I have given myself permission to be crazy for a month. "There are worse things I could do." 

Good Grief, it's Eleven O'Clock and I am still in my jammies - better get moving!

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And here is how a few bad decisions can turn a day bad number wise. Eating leftovers and saying yes when asked if I wanted anything from In N Out. Everything was over. Too much. Fattening.

But the  idea of tracking is waking up to how each decision impacts your overall success or failure. I was short a few calories yesterday so that will help, and my summary sheet is formatted to track weekly. I can see how doing this before kept me focused, having to look up everything new to add the sugar grams takes time and some level of dedication. Ugh. There is a voice crying out inside of me that I am above this, that I shouldn't be doing this, that I just need to follow the Fuhrman six week program and not count anything. And then there is the reality of my body and how even knowing that I have not been doing it, and maybe I just need to do this instead for a bit to get headed back in the right direction. Like for a month so I can actually use my summary sheet.

A little slap

This morning I waited for the caffeine to kick in before even attempting to get started on the day. Sitting in my cozy bed sipping fresh coffee and visiting with A is a great way to begin a day and I relished every moment of it. After they all left for breakfast I began puttering around the house and  my feet were so sore I had to slip on my crocs. Inspiration hit and I googled the good feet store, got directions, and off I went. I knew it would be expensive, but their inserts had worked before when I was 200#'s and walking five miles a day. (my poor feetsies) I was horrified to hear that the package was now $600, it was like a slap to my psyche.This after driving over an hour to get there and spending another little bit being lost. God forbid I should have asked on the phone about the price - no - I just wanted to know their hours.

Driving home I felt a new level of determination to lose weight and give my poor feet some relief. Money talks and all that. Once at home I took a quick scan of the fridge and headed out for groceries. I have whole grain bread for toast upon which I can build a breakfast to eat on the way to work. I have carrots onion and potatoes for the corned beef on Tuesday. I have mushrooms to make lentil soup and cucumbers and lemons to make fresh juice. I am set to have a positive week eating which will result in a negative week on the scale. I can't keep futzing around, I have to take care of this. I am tired of obsessing about my weight and all of the agony that entails. Mental and physical. I so want to be over this. Not just for me but for my granddaughter. A, bless her heart, told me last week that I am not fat. I need to remedy my weight before she starts seeing me from a different perspective.

I have had a pot of pea soup simmering for a couple of hours and that will be my dinner or lunch each day depending upon the weather. Salads, juice, smoothies and raw veggies will round out the meals; I just want to use up every scrap of food in the house. Waste not want not!

A quiet evening at home and I ended up watching Barnwood Builders - fun program. Now for a couple more tasks and I will be done for the day. I'm still a little disappointed in my Modesto trip, but if it helps motivate me, then all's well that end's well.

Breakfast:  home brewed decaf coffee, half n half; another tiny piece of left over pizza - thin crust hardly any cheese...
Snack: 3 small new potatoes, sour cream
Lunch: veggie burrito from Del Taco
Snack: small slice of cheesecake
Dinner: Pasta Arabica from TJ's

Pre Birthday biking and dining

Back from our first bike ride together, A and I flipped through the California bird book trying to find the duck? heron? goose? that we saw fishing in the pond. I couldn't find anything close. My guess would be a heron, but the bill was wider and neck longer that the typical night heron's we see around here, and shorter than the large white and blue heron's. But no matter what the classification we enjoyed watching them dive until a flock of ducks noticed us and made a beeline across the water in hopes of bread crumbs or worms. We made our getaway, A not wanting to get 'beaked', and by the time we reached home I was tired. Mentally tired from feeling my stomach bump against my thighs as I peddled (ew gross) and physically from the exercise. How can I keep living in this body? Will there ever be a point of determination that lasts for more than a day? But enough grousing - I am so proud of A riding so far and already so confident on her bike with only two wheels. I look forward to many bike rides together this spring.

On a lighter note, I was down .2 lbs on the Wii after not stepping on for over 300 days. 'Apparently' I'm great at maintenance.

R has a dinner planned for me at a friends home tonight to celebrate my birthday which is tomorrow. This is the last day of my life in the 50's. Sort of weird to think about it that way. Heaven knows I don't feel my age, which is totally normal from things I have heard other's say about aging. I just hope I can make up for lost time in my sixth decade; I anticipate a lighter healthier and more active body, I'm just not sure how to make that happen yet. Perseverance? Pushing myself out of the way? Getting out of my head and into the world?

But in the meantime I am enjoying listening to her putter in the kitchen as she layers the lasagna and Alanna updates us as to what all the avatars on the Wii are doing now that we have finished weighing all of the dogs. They have all lost weight and seem healthy. At least someone is!

Dinner was wonderful, R decorated and made it amazing. There was a big blue 60 on the cake. Me? Really?  Now I can't sleep and wonder what the year will bring, what I will make of it. I would rather be sleeping.

Breakfast: decaff  tea, a deviled egg
Brunch: toast with PB
Lunch:  tossed salad, last of the veggie soup
Dinner: homemade lasagna, salad, garlic bread
Dessert: pineapple upside down cake

Food Log on the Blog

Did I ever mention why I have added my food log to the bottom of my blog? At Kaiser when getting cortisone injections for my trigger fingers the kind and helpful nurse (she is wonderful) mentioned that Kaiser is now promoting a plant based diet. She also mentioned that keeping a log to be accountable is a tried and proven tool for weight loss. I am guessing she noticed I am fat, it would not take Sherlock Holmes after all to deduce I have rolls where there should be none. I tried going back to PeerTrainer which was helpful once before, but couldn't find someone with eating habits with whom to make a connection. Paleo (the new sexy high protein unhealthy diet) has temporarily taken over the world. So I gave up and decided to just post my food here and blog everyday so I would 'see' it from a separate perspective than the lies my brain tells me. I think it may be helping, at least I am slowly losing weight and thinking more about the choices I make.

This morning I wanted eggs and toast, so off to the market and home again with supplies. I also picked up carrots, asparagus and spinach to balance out the rest of the day's meals. I also picked up a small decaf coffee while out so that I would have the gumption to finish up the tasks I want to complete today. A small but terrible habit caffeine, but it could be worse! Not that I swallow that rationalization easily, and know I must end it eventually. Of course there is my mother, who has apparently been told to have caffeine each day - but she is 23 years my senior. I am not there yet.

The rest of the day disappeared, and there was not much noteworthy to post.

Breakfast: Decaff, 2 slices  of TJ's sprouted multi-grain bread toasted w\ butter and 2 eggs fried over easy

Lunch:  salad w\ beans

Snack:  toast with motz

Dinner:  last of black eyed pea mix

Best. Beans. Ever.

I don't even pretend to myself that I am going to do anything but drive through for breakfast on the way to work. It continues to me a thorn of guilt in my side, and one day I will be over it, but this was not that day.

We were two short in our department at work today, which made for a nice quiet Friday and my being very productive. I had taken the time this morning to throw some leftover salad into a container and as usual ate at work standing up while listening to my audio book. I try to look out as far as I can to stretch my eye muscles at lunch too.

The apple I ate on the way home was so large I was not tempted in the least to stop for anything easy to eat. Once home I immediately settled in the kitchen and started chopping veggies for dinner. I had been thinking about chili and that was my intent when I started, but serendipity lent a hand and instead I ended up with such a rich flavorful mixture that I had no desire to add chili spices or tomatoes. I popped a potato in the microwave to cook thinking it would make a good base, but after licking the spoon off a few more times I decided it was perfect just the way it was. I think it was the combination of the Magic Mushroom mix and the smoked paprika. The sun dried tomatoes were just the perfect finishing touch. I will remember this combination for future recipes.

I was under 230 this morning bringing my total to almost five pounds - success is motivation to continue and I was uber happy to see the 229. Enough gloating, time to watch Elementary and cuddle with Kaylee now that I am full of beans.

Breakfast: Decaf and sausage biscuit

Lunch:  superfood kale salad, large handful of pepitas

Snack:  large Pink Lady apple

Dinner:  Black-eyed peas warmed through with sauteed veggies

Snack: small potato with butter, salt & pepper

Potato Salad - makes two servings
1 russet potato cooked and cubed
1/8 to 1/4C diced red onion to taste
1/2C ea diced cabbage and cauliflower
1/8C raw sprouted pepitas
Mayo to lightly dress tossed veggies, leaving a rather dry finish

Even though it's a foggy cold weekend morning I was not feeling inspired to cook, so I threw together a potato salad full of crunch. Filling and satisfying. I am down to 230, so 3 1/2 pounds total in the past 16 days. Not great, but in the right direction so I'll take it.

Back to watching a morning DVD with the girls and Alice discovering her muchness! Love that movie, and so happy a sequel is in the works, Alice through the Looking Glass.

Errands have been run, the second load of wash is churning away, and Grimm is keeping me company while I putter in my room. So glad to be at home, to be warm, to have A chattering in the background.

Caught a nice pic of Kaylee this afternoon. She loves sitting on top of her crate where she can see out our bedroom window while keeping an eye on me.

Puzzle time with A. More laundry. Some Solitaire. A couple of games of crazy eights and finally a sit down dinner with all four of us together per A's request. I was trying out a Qrunch burger that I had toasted up and it was a light and crunchy addition to my salad and cauliflower. Upon review of the label I once again come across the way labels tend to mislead us. If you do the math, 100/190 = 52.6% of the calories are from fat.  When I plug the numbers into my spreadsheet I get 8% protein (good), 51% fat (at least it's organic coconut oil) and 41% carbohydrates (from veggies and whole grain). So not a total disaster and the flavour was nice. The best part was being able to throw it in the toaster to heat it up and the lovely crispy texture on the outside of the 'burger'. Oh, and 150g of sodium is not bad for a processed food.

A nice day off, and I'm looking forward to another one tomorrow.

Breakfast: Decaf tea and potato salad

Lunch: grilled cheese (sargento thin slice, 1) on nine grain bread with half an avocado

Snack: last of the morning's potato salad with added Kalamata olives

Dinner:  Qrunch burger, tossed salad, cauliflower "rice"

Pizza, friend or foe?

Snuck on the scale this morning and I was down a little more. I was worried after the pizza last night, but looking back on my meals I was probably still within a reasonable calorie range. While I am working at removing myself from the emotional impact of a number, I was still glad it was a smaller one and I remain motivated to eat well this week. I know others will be semi-starving themselves with soy based pre made meals in order to lose weight this January, but I am not in competition with them, I am trying to turn my life around. Trying to treat myself and my body better, trying to fit into a smaller size! I am not trying to win a competition but striving to show that eating for nutrition can work miracles.

Eating the pizza last night was stress meeting circumstance. The trip to the emergency vet and the traumatic events that triggered it left me in a weakened state mentally, and getting home to find pizza on the stove was beyond my rationale thought processes. Having had a super light calorie dinner that I never really finished due to said trip I am not feeling bad about it at all.

Off to greet the Monday traffic and check in later. Feeling rather stable this morning, in new leggings and clean Wen hair.

"I'm down 8 lbs!", this from the office friend\co-worker who joined Jenny Craig and had weighed in this morning after her first week on their program. This is why it's sometimes mentally difficult to take the healthier slower path. How can I compare to that, and of course I can't won't and don't want to. I want healthy food full of nutrition with a few splurges thrown in like my sandwich for lunch today. And pizza last night, but that was extenuating circumstances. STOP. I am here to get my life in order, not rationalize bad behavior. I didn't eat enough breakfast so I was starving at lunch and while I intended to get a salad I 'found myself' at the deli counter ordering the sandwich. What a baby I am. An almost sixty year old baby. Wah.

Hit a rough patch this evening. A asked when we were going to see Papa H and I had to explain that we hadn't spoken in a while, and that we had dissolved our relationship. She lay in my lap sobbing, the poor thing, and it broke my heart. I know we will both recover, it's just so sad. And before she headed off to bed one of the puggles had made her laugh. She gave me an extra strong hug and kiss before turning in for the night; kids seem so resilient but I worry. May we all have sweet dreams.

Breakfast: green juice with Chia Seeds, banana

Lunch:  BLT from Sprouts

Snack: mixed nuts, raw carrot

Dinner:  homemade potato soup,  odds n ends

Week One weigh in - yet again

Here it is, week one of cutting back sugar and increasing veggies. I'm aiming for one percent each week and almost made it. I'm still weighing in winter PJ's so my highest weight is off by at least half a pound and maybe  more (flannels) but I'm sticking to what I see.

The important part is that I already feel better. My trigger finger & thumb are loosening up after the injections, my hips hurt a little less, as does my heel.

Busy day after a looooong commute this morning; a big rig accident stretched my commute from 45 minutes to almost 2 hours. And I didn't have tea or coffee with me, just warmed up flax milk and a couple of skinned Kiwi fruits. Kudos to me for passing up three different opportunities to drive through and get breakfast. Luckily the drive home was an easy half an hour.

Trash cans are out front and mostly ready for the curb, I've already eaten, and I plan on doing not much this evening. A is at the big table finishing up the week's homework, and I'll join her as soon as I'm into my slouchy clothes.

No more screen time tonight!

Breakfast: fruit and flax milk

Lunch: chopped salad with chick peas, pepitas, cauliflower and peppers with an olive oil balsamic dressing

Dinner: veggie burger with all the trimmings

Visiting 2008

I wanted to look back through my blog to check in on when I began eating for nutrition, and it was 2008. That was a good year, beginning my trek into nutrition, the birth of my granddaughter, and training for the Senior Games in archery. ( I went on to win Gold in my age\class in 2009). I also challenged myself to ride  my bike more and did my first six weeks of Fuhrman.

Back then it was all about tracking, and looking through 2008 there are pics of food and tracking sheets alike peppering the pages. There is also a lot of pain and memories, and a record of learning how to feed myself so that I felt good. So 2007 - 2010 I lost 50 pounds, then spent 2011 - 2014 gaining it all back plus a couple more - because that's how it usually works. I am tempted to track these next six weeks and compare to the 2008 record. I know so much more now, and there will be less trial and error. If I do I'll come back and post it later. ...and the crazy set in...but how I would love to see these numbers on the scale one more time on the way past them going down. 

New Year's Day I was 233.8, and this morning 232.2. I want to think of these numbers as disgraceful, but instead I note them for what they are. A transitory measurement of my body, and nothing to do with any wonderfulness I hold inside.

Eating

I felt the need to list the important elements of how I know I should be eating, and reinforce my axioms of eating for nutrition.

Michael Pollan:   Eat food, not too much, mostly plants

Dr. Fuhrman:   Eat a pound each of raw and cooked veggies a day, 2 or 3 oz of healthy fat, at least a cup of beans and three fruits. Eat from the top of the list of nutritionally dense foods. Use G-Bombs as a daily reminder when preparing meals. (Greens, Beans, Onions, Mushrooms, Berries and Seeds)

Common Sense:  Stay away from processed foods, which thereby eliminates artificial sweeteners, high fructose corn syrup, all other added sugars, high sodium intake, and a weird assortment of chemicals, 'food products' and GMO crops. Buy organic whenever reasonable because, again, GMO's are everywhere and I have enough challenges without subjecting my body to more foreign substances.

HYDRATE: We are "ugly bags of walking water" Star Trek, and need to replenish our water often for optimum health.

FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE: Look for health, do not despair over denial. Think about eating healthy instead of fighting about crap you are not eating.

Losing weight, Gaining perspective

It's a beginning. I have this compulsion to weigh when I feel lighter, and someday I will toss the scale. Probable when it breaks. But in the meantime I did step on this morning and I am down a pound and a half. I reminded myself to think of a box of butter, and to visualize six sticks of my fat being gone. It's enough for a positive mindset this morning.

Yesterday was good, I kept on my feet and moving most of the day puttering at this and that and playing solitaire at my standing workstation. And being a living jungle gym for A is great for core strength.Whether balancing her on my lap or swinging her around it is always a challenge in my current state of affairs. And good for me. And her. I love her so much.

Which is why yesterday was also scary and frustrating and eye opening. She had been with her mother to buy new shoes for running club at school. Two days a week they show up early and run laps, earning small feet to hang on a necklace; it's great for energetic kids like A so that they are ready to settle down in class. Heck, it's great for anyone, and a way to counter the time spent on the Wii and iPads and computers. I digress. She asked me if I wanted to come watch her run around the court so I slipped on my crocs and followed her out into the crisp winter air. (It's California, anything under 60 is crisp. It was 39. I had wool socks on.) She began her lap while I watched and then at the end of the court all of a sudden she was down. Her foot slipped off the curb and she landed hard on her left knee. And I couldn't run to gather her up. I hobbled as fast as I could towards her and once she raised her head up I called out, "It's okay, take it slow, make sure everything works before you get up!" It was agony trying to get to her and watching her struggle to get up. Finally reaching her she was up and limping towards me, fighting back the tears. So brave. Her knee was banged up and entering the house I called for her mother to look at it. While her leggings hadn't torn, the skin beneath them had and there was swelling too. Mom took care of the skin while I put together an ice bag, pounding the ice and wrapping it in a tea towel. We got her situated while I explained about treating injuries with RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation.) Such a good girl, she sat the requested ten minutes with the ice pack and then she was up to play. Another ten minutes of ice half an hour later and I quit fussing over her.

I always 'knew' I wasn't going to be a typical old person. I was going to shoot my bow forever, I was going to be the 'young grama' and stay active and travel the states shooting tournaments in my retirement. What the hell happened, that's what I want to know. Well, life happened; god laughing at our plans and all that. In a nutshell, letting myself go. Life happened and I gave up. Simple as that. Grief manifests itself in different ways; I have asked before, why couldn't I be someone who withers away to nothing instead of growing to the size of a mountain? I think now it's about survival, the body expanded while the mind withered. In the years I was losing steadily and feeling great I would tell myself I was getting my body ready for when my mind was ready to start living again. Again, what happened? Again, life happened.

I have no excuses now, no devastating reasons to explain my lack of caring. Instead I have a reason to be healthy and active and she is her to hug and kiss me everyday as a reminder of that fact.

Focus on the positive, be grateful for the blessings no matter how small or how overwhelmingly large. I need to be myself, and currently I am not that. I am an athlete, not an invalid, and I want me back. Not for anyone else, but for how I feel inside, and what I need to do and be for happiness to be mine again. And I was not happy stuck in this current physical version of myself instead of being able to run and help someone I love. I need me back.

Breakfast: one orange, one banana, 2T peanut butter
Lunch:  chopped salad, chick pea mix left over from yesterday
Dinner:  homemade potato and chickpea soup with carrots and caramelized onions
Dessert: One piece of chocolate

A good start

The dishes are done, my bed made, and A is full of the freshly cinnamoned apples I sliced, spiced and heated up for her breakfast. I am clean and almost dressed to go out. But while the weather underground predicts a high of 54 today, currently it is only 39 and I am not encouraged by this to leave the house. I did pop out briefly to visit the green waste and recycling carts but it was so bright I had to cover my eyes and slink back inside quickly. Too many days inside makes the outdoors a bit startling.

Breakfast: coconut water, water and then a banana.

My thermos is full of hot lemon water and that will be my next drink, but first a break to write and read and self motivate. Today I will log my food and take time to be sure it is what I want and not what is handy. Which brings to mind a favorite quote.

“Dark times lie ahead of us and there will be a time when we must choose between what is easy and what is right.      -Albus Dumbledore”   ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

I am tired of choosing what is easy, as I have been many times before, I can only hope that this time once I lose the weight I will catch myself before I relapse. Last time making healthy choices lasted three years and I lost fifty pounds. I felt strong and confident and full of energy. I look forward to feeling all of those things again. The basis of this type of eating is that every decision counts, even if just a little, and this is something of which I have to constantly remind myself. So I will. Here. Often. Until my old healthy habits are firmly established anew.

Lunch: homemade gluten free biscuit & bowl of left over homemade veggie soup of potatoes, carrots & bok choy.

Dinner: green salad, oil & vinegar dressing, bit of grated parm, sliced young peppers (red, yellow, orange), green onions, handful of sliced almonds and thinly sliced brussels sprouts.

And One two  three slices of pepperoni pizza. Not on the agenda but A was an angel all day and wanted to use the ipad to order pizza. Not thinking ahead I said no, it's too expensive. Besides you need to clear that with your Mother. The next thing I know she is asking me how to spell 'could' and 'pizza' as she prepares a text to said Mother. At some level I must have wanted this to happen, and I am not upset about it. I have never been an all or nothing type of person. I'm a take it as it comes type of girl. Maybe this is a problem, and maybe not. As I have mentioned several times over the years since reading Eat Pray Love there is no control group for a human life. Except in movies. And my calorie count is comparatively low today. Wouldn't want to shock the system too much.

One of my guidelines is no eating after 7, and I am looking forward to feeling light when I go to bed knowing my immune system will be able to do a better job. And my lack of sugar today was stellar. Lots of improvements over yesterday, "and I'm feeling good".

Happy New Year's Eve Day!

And Bah Humbug - spending a weeks budget of grocery money on one night of splurging really doesn't make sense when the next day one intends to begin eating in a more healthy manner and lose weight! But I did it anyway, and my lunch driving home was hard salami and a bakery baguette. Yum.

I will probably be spending the evening alone, but just in case there are snacks; wavy potato chips and caramelized onion dip, spinach dip, artichoke jalapeno spread and multi grain baguette. There are Aussie Bites and an apple pie from Sprouts. I've been wanting this last since the past summer so I am squeezing it into the end of 2014. Not rational thinking, but that is not my forte so I beg no forgiveness.

The light traffic to and from work has been splendid, the wind has been biting and at times ferocious, and I am glad to be home and ready to settle in for a long evening. I may even assemble firewood for later to add a little ambiance to celebrate the transition from old to new year.

Dr. Fuhrman, I am yours for the next six weeks! I have the books, but this link is to a favorite blog (fatfreevegan by Susan) who lists the basic elements of his program.

So sugar and processed foods are mostly out the window tomorrow. I will use oil to roast veggies and if there are any leftover new years spreads I can use them to top potatoes.And I am trying flax milk as an alternative to flax meal since I haven't been making smoothies and my attitude misses the omega 3's. I will also continue to use honey sparingly in my evening tea - I just love it too much and will not deprive myself of that pleasure. (I will buy local organic honey as the price for this indulgence.) But the rest of processed foods and unhealthy fats are out - for me this means no bread, butter, cheese or mayonnaise in the house. Those are my comfort foods that are killing me. Literally. How comforting is that!?

One pound each of cooked and raw veggies each day, 3oz of healthy fat (nuts, seeds, avocado) and at lease a cup of a bean or legume or wild rice.

There are several others in my office who will be losing weight beginning in January so there will be support in all quarters which is good.

Time to have A "do" my nails - Happy New Year!

Leftovers - or - the beginning of the ten pound holiday gain

Thanksgiving was Thursday, and for two days we ate what we wanted when we wanted. Bowls of mashed potatoes and stuffing with gravy on top. Turkey sandwiches, scoops of casseroles, bean and sweet potatoe, and of course pie. Today is the last day of the holiday vacation, the last day of November, and the last day of splurging. We will NOT be gaining ten pounds this year between Thanksgiving and New Years.

Yesterday R made turkey stock and they had a wholesome turkey soup for dinner.  A nice way to transition back to more normal healthier eating while still enjoying the flavours of the feast; how we relished the aroma all day - so delightful. I still have some dressing to finish up, and there may be a piece of cherry pie with my name on it, but I'll go back to having meals today instead of indulging in an all day buffet.

My morning begins with the last of the kale juice, with coconut water added to curb the bitterness. Then tomorrow begins three weeks of better choices. I have a holiday party to attend on the 12th and while I won't lose fifty pounds before then, I can definitely feel better and lose the bloat by then. I imagine juicing each day, and supplementing with plants. No refined sugar, grains or oils; those are the challenges to meet. And this morning I feel up to it.

But today there are still movies to watch on a rainy day, and a few leftovers to finish up. God forbid we throw anything away. And as I said, meals, not endless snacking will be the order of the day; referencing the meal habits of Hobbits, I am off for 'second breakfast'!

Five Day Juice Fast: Results

Down almost four pounds this morning, which was nice to see. Especially after last night's cheat. When am I going to learn to put me first? It is not in my nature to do so, and if we all did that all the time we would be in an even worse mess than we are now. But on a personal level, I need to somehow embrace the notion that my needs are as important as anyone else s in the home.

I know, what am I blathering about. Some background. Most of the time one of these three scenarios plays out at the end of each work day.

1. On my way home from work I pick up A from daycare if it's raining, freezing or burning hot.
2. Her father walks over (just around the corner)(Ha!)(nod to Ryan & Hanks) and picks her up.
3. Her mother picks her up an hour later on her way home from work and
     a. brings her home
     b. takes her to run an errand before heading home
     c. has her father in tow, they grab some dinner & maybe run an errand before heading home

What does this mean for me and what I had for dinner? Well, let me elucidate. I arrived home at 4:30 and rushed about straightening up because a friend was stopping by on her way home from work to visit. We had hot gingerbread spice tea and each did a quick recap of our lives since it had been over a year since our last visit. She left about 5:30 at which point I decided to wait to do my juicing so I wouldn't be in the kitchen when the kids (yes they are in their 30's) arrived home to make dinner. But unbeknownst to me scenario b. from above was being enacted and when they did arrive home it was to put a pizza in the oven. So now I am hungry and smelling pepperoni pizza. If I had just started juicing when my friend left I would have had my juice and could have done the clean up later. But no, I had waited and there I was. At that point I was not interested in juicing, but neither did I want frozen pizza. So I popped a potato in the  microwave and after a sprinkling of salt and a grind of fresh pepper I drizzled a little organic ketchup (more salt & sugar to boot) over the fluffy steaming cubes of hot potato and headed to my room and away from the pizza that was about to come out of the oven.

I haven't gotten to the bad part yet.

Hours later I am watching TV in my room and my stomach grumbles. And I am thinking about the pepperoni. Luckily for me it was all gone, but not so lucky for me a fresh loaf of soft white bread (organic, not wonder) sitting on the counter and my brain immediately flashed on the salami I knew was in the fridge. So there I was at about 10:30pm making a salami sandwich. Only 4 slices of salami, and 2 slices of the thin sliced cheddar from Sargento and a light smear of mayo - but it felt like blasphemy! And tasted like heaven.

Here is the worst of it. I overslept this morning, forgot my hot cuppa tea on the kitchen counter and never juiced. I made it half way to work before giving in to the little devil that resides on my left shoulder and stopped for a small decaf (1 cream, 5 sugars) and a sausage biscuit.  I figure at this point I am having a reset day and will start juicing either tonight or tomorrow morning when I am not rushed.

All of this could have been avoided if I had juiced last night instead of giving up my kitchen time - which was ridiculous and only in my head. Thinking back I wonder if it was a subconscious sabotage. I have a nasty habit of undermining successful efforts. Feeling thinner = permission to eat. Why I don't know. I could make some therapeutic guesses, but it's all crap. It's just me being weak.

God I am rambling, and on company time too! I'll call it part of my lunch. But I am determined to go to Sprouts for some more Kale Naked juice blend and coconut water for lunch despite my perverse nature screaming for a Mr. Pickles BLT.

Heaven help me.

Five Day Juice Fast: Day Four

This morning I finished the last bottle of juice from the fridge on my way to work. Not juicing anything fresh meant I would have to figure out lunch. I was dreading spending $8 on a green juice from Jamba Juice, but that is what I thought would happen. Instead I stopped in Sprouts (local grocery store) to see what they had and viola! A new Kale blend from Naked  on sale for $2.99 so I bought two and then added two cans of their coconut water. The ingredients matched almost exactly what I would have juiced plus the kale, which was a puree so there was texture to the drink.

I finished the 2nd kale drink on the way home and half of the 2nd coconut water. Signing on to check the Fit For Life plan I saw that I could have soup for dinner so I opted for an easy dish and opened a can of Amy's organic vegan lentil soup for dinner.  And now I am sleepy! Must be the solid food.

Tomorrow I will juice enough in the morning for my first two meals, having picked up the cucumbers I lacked today at the produce market during lunch, and then for dinner it's finally time for the kale, coconut, turmeric, mango smoothie. I hope it's as good as it looked in the video!

I think my face looks a little different; not so puffy nor as full as usual. This is a good thing, right? It's so easy to avoid mirrors and pretend I don't care what I look like, but checking my blog pic against one taken last weekend, it's obvious I have aged greatly in the last 7 years. My Bad.

But I have been in a rare mood this past week, and part of me is beginning to believe that perhaps my psyche is finally on the mend.

Here's to another good day tomorrow, may the gods be with me.