I Choose Me

I did watch another episode of Extreme Weight Loss last night, and I realized that in the beginning of each new story they begin by making a production of letting the new client know that they have been selected, they have been chosen  to experience a transformation. I remember realizing this before, that I could choose me, that I didn't have to wait for my prince charming to save me, that I could save myself. But one has to be in the right place. Whether that's hitting bottom, or having an epiphany I guess it doesn't really matter. Maybe it's just the last drip of water on the stone of your being that triggers a survival response. But whatever it is, I feel like I am changing. It's probably just a slow start to another 'manic' episode, but today I am still calm and determined to change my work environment back to something positive.

Back when I was the Administrative Mgr. of a multi-million dollar corporation I had a sign on my door, "The quality of life should not change when entering this door."  It was true then and stays relevant today. Maybe even more so as I have a much shorter life expectancy now than I did then. Say another good 20 years if I start taking care of myself, and then another 10-20 after that? I had two grandmothers who lived until their 90's, and lived well,  not bedridden or senile. And they didn't have Orenda's O'Tropin to take like I do. In any case I don't imagine there is another desk job in my future, and I refuse to keep working under stress at this one.

One more note and then I am off to get ready for work. The kids have decided to have another baby; A has been asking for a baby brother for years, R's best friend is due with her 2nd in November, and she is going to be 35 in September. It's a now or never decision, and if all goes as planned I'll have another grandchild in a year or so. All I see is love, the rest will fall into place.
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Today went well; no drama, lots of work, and an unexpected show of confidence from the Boss. I had a short conversation with my 'challenge' at work and I am still calm. I know that I have it in me to replace her if I have to, and this time there will be no backsliding or she is gone. Simple as that.

R also looked up the names of the convicted killers of her brother and they are both still inmates from 2008 when sentenced. Next will be to visit the site.

I have a mental list, and I am going to confront everyone on it. I am going to be healthy and happy, and I am going to be those things sooner than later. Because I choose Me.

And the price

For my two good days I paid with a hellish Monday, one complication after another arising until we were giddy with forced stress relief; you can cry or laugh - we choose to laugh. The final stroke was a scathing email from my boss requesting an explanation for something that happened before I was ever hired. I told him where he could go look for his answers. I wasn't actually that crude, but did point him in the direction of those who may know the answers and did tell him to ask them. Then my eight hours being up I left for the day. My SIL put it all in perspective - hey, you can tell him anything as long as you back it up with a smiley face.

The new texting protocol - say what you mean and soften the blow with an icon showing you are smiling while calling them a dick.

I came home and focused my energy into preparing the kids a pot roast for dinner; I was thanked and complimented sufficient unto the meal and earned some literal brownie points from M.

I am so looking forward to seeing my email in the morning at the office. But in the meantime SYTYCD is on and I am signing out.

Then and Now, a girl's perspective on being here

The girl stood on the gate swinging slightly to and fro wishing she could just.go.back. Where, exactly, was not as clear as the feeling that she should be there instead of here, but she knew for certain that she remembered it as bright and calm and satisfying in a way that this world would never be. Why did she have to be here, why did she have to be doing this. Not that she didn't love her family, and her summers at the Lake, and the pretty dresses her mother sewed for her, but the social obligations were killing her. Having pictures taken, going to school, helping with the dishes. And she knew she was looking at a life filled with all kinds of interruptions and irritations just like these were but more so. Had she really picked this? What an odd thought she mused. Then her brother was there demanding her presence for the Easter photo. Everyone was ready but her and he had been sent to gather in the stray sheep. So she went, admiring her white patent leather shoes and the bounce of her hair on her shoulders as she headed resignedly over to their grand-parents house next door. She might have been 8 or 9 at the time, it was hard to remember.

I go back to this memory every so often; it's from my childhood but also tied to the day Joey died and I felt him open a door from somewhere else to let me know he was okay; both direct experiences of the great 'unknown'. I am blessed, some never feel this this connection. And no, it matters not if they were coping mechanisms  or accurate observations, for me they were absolute truths. And for some reason today I am dwelling in the feelings those experiences invoked, and a bit more than a little embarrassed that I have not stepped up to meet whatever this challenge is that is facing me. That I have been complaining about in one way or another most of my life. Typically my wisdom comes from books, and today I was reminded by Cassandra Clare (Mortal Instruments) that steel is forged in fire, and that I have an organic obligation to not only abstain from giving up, but to actually thrive and be empowered by my failures. So after hearing this I could do naught but make good choices, while keeping my temper down and my thoughts positive. It would seem an upward spiral may have commenced, and I desperately wish it so.

In that light, it is time to go make a dinner more healthy than not.

I've kept busy all prevening into evening; stopping at the store on the way home from work for supplies and then getting dinner ready for my softball crew of three. I had my own dinner, and then after a few games of solitaire went back out and cleaned up the kitchen. Rotating the dishes, drying and putting away one load and setting the next to start. M and A are watching Big Hero 6, and as soon as it's over it will be time for teeth, PJ's and getting tucked in for the night. All of us!

It was a really busy day at work for me with half our department out and one whose body was there but who disappeared into her phone ALL day. Literally. Okay, there was the hour and three quarters that she was gone for lunch that I can't account for, but maybe she actually got in 1-2 hours of work today while I went from one thing to the next covering for the other two. Of course I couldn't have asked for help, I am much too passive aggressive for that. Not that I feel martyred, just super disappointed that our partnership hasn't worked out, and the time has come to say something to my boss since trying to get through to her hasn't worked. Very sad. My review is coming up at the end of the Month, and I am thinking about what exactly to say. It will kill any ties of friendship I have, but I have tried and tried and can't get her on board. Her personal life comes first and it always will - her right to make that choice, I can't deny that - but the negative impact on the department needs to be mended. I don't want to lose two good workers because of one uninterested one.

Time for some tylenol pm, I can't take three sleepless nights in a row!

breakfast: decaf, sausage biscuit
lunch: Amy's Organic cheese enchilada w\ avocado on a bed of power greens and a spoon of organic sr cream. Oh, and lots of fresh cilantro mixed in too.
Dinner: leftover St Paddy's day veggies and freshly  made garlic bread

Ruminations of a work problem

When one stresses about approaching a 'problem', once one has, shouldn't it stay fixed? A frustrating day at work yesterday; I'm not sure why I let myself be so bothered but it probably comes down to 'fair is fair' and how the world does not adhere to that adage and it is up to us as individuals to create our own small atmospheres of fairness as best we can. My attempts are not working. So. Shut up and do my job? Go to the Boss? Try again to reach someone who is never going to change and won't even consider that they might be causing a department wide problem? How does one approach a being who feels they are smarter, better, and anything they do is justified just because it's them doing it?

While I don't feel like I am failing exactly, I am also not leading the department as it should be led. God I hate kvetching about work. I wish I could just aim my energy down another track and let it flourish there and ignore what is going on right under my nose. Which is basically what I try to do; maybe I need to just do a better job of that particular tactic. Which means ignoring the problem and focusing my energy on the positive. Not a new message, but obviously one I need to revisit and embrace.

TGIF!

Breakfast: decaff and sausage muffin
Lunch:  Mixed salad w\ baby kale and assorted lettuces, romaine, chick peas, peppers, onion, cauliflower, mushrooms  and pepitas with a small amount of Greek yogurt dressing tossed in.
Dinner:  pepperoni pizza, one garlic cheese bread
Dessert: pumpkin pie

Raining cats & dogs

This morning I woke to rain pounding down outside, it was early enough and cold enough to snuggle in and finish watching the movie I had fallen asleep to the night before. Then up and dressed and juicing; cucumber, lemon ginger, bok choy, carrot & green apple. And a small handful of blackberries rinsed out of the juicer with some coconut water. I do like bok choy much better than celery in my juices, I must say.

At well yesterday, even if dinner was left over sweet potato casserole after a handful of chips dipped in half an avocado that I had smashed with garlic and salt. No pie, no gravy, no dressing - all of the leftovers are now gone.

So out in the rain with my lunch bag full of juice, a towel in case the car was wet inside (a rain story for another day) and a mug of pear ginger white tea. Driving to work was nerve wracking, we have been in drought conditions so long we have forgotten what it is to drive in a downpour. An hour to get to work, which is much better than wrecked, then dark and chilly arriving at work first. 8:30 and it's foggy and grey and wet outside. Oh for a fire and a book - but thoughts are real too, no? So really working is the dream and I'm really basking in the warmth of a fire readying of some new far away adventure.  Really :)

Back to work for the wicked! So grateful for my work, my car, my warm clothes and dry boots I cannot regret this one bit.

Stress Writing - Let it go

About Work. What a serious waste of time and energy. Well, not really; we spend an awful lot of time at work. Well, most of us anyway. So conflict resolution is in my background. I know to first let it go, then if you can't address the 'challenge' with the person involved, and if there is still no resolution, finally go to the boss. But the boss is the owner, and I don't want to throw my compadre under the bus. I want my department and my little office to be a place of positive energy , I want us all to be productive and ready for growth. Is this asking too much? Am I too much of a goody two shoes, do I expect too much from others? Am I the one that needs to slow down and take my time and not give my full attention to work? But, I am being paid to do that, am I not? I want to be proud of how I earn my living, do I not?

So I let it go, and let it go, and let it go until I am afraid I am going to blurt out something inappropriate at the worst of times. Like when we have our department meeting on Wednesday with a visiting consultant. Finally today I quietly shut the office door and tried to have a constructive conversation. With a wall. I am sure they believe that saying 'Ok' and refusing to engage is their way of disputing my claim; even my calling them on shutting down and refusing to engage was wasted effort.  In their defense they may believe they are avoiding a fight, or embarrassed by the veracity of my claims and unwilling to admit it.

I had waited as long as I could, and I may well have waited for ever for all the good it did. But I am tired of the situation rattling around in my brain and taking up valuable real estate. When I am not at work, I want to be NOT AT WORK. So I left work an hour early, and now I will try again to let it go. I have better things to think about don't I?

I am calm, but curious if there will be any fall out tomorrow. I'm guessing they are a no show.

And no, I am not signing that song! Now that's in my head, great!