RBRZ: It's just a Picture

 I grew up around pictures, with access to albums of photos taken by my grandfather, and lived next door to him where there was a photography studio on the 3rd floor of his house. My grandmother's house too, not just his, but he was the one who was all about photography. I think 30 years of pictures for House Beautiful, now showcased at the Huntington Library in LA, has always been a source of pride for me. And I remember being a young child, happy to be in front of his camera, happy to be spending time with him and feeling important because of his attention.

So why the life long aversion to being in pictures? When did it start? There are a couple of things that come to mind. An unflattering (to my eyes) photo of myself in an Ad that showed what a tomboy I was. No where was the feminine creature I thought girls should be. I must have been about 11, and I think I remember the photoshoot, and being happy, and the let down when I saw the picture. Back then digital wasn't even on the horizon, and I didn't see the results until he brought a pamphlet home with the picture. Me standing on a beautiful lush round lawn of green, looking for all the world like a dorky preteen. Even now remembering back, it's hard to find love for that young girl.

And then it occurs to me to look at this again, through the eyes of a child who has been molested, and is trying to look unappealing. Was I old enough at 11 to have put up a defense of appearance? It must have been around the same time; the memory of dancing naked on the bed and someone, my mother?, opening the bedroom door and telling us to put our clothes on. And then the separating of bedrooms, my brother next door and us girls rooming together. Of course the door between the rooms was a beautiful wood sliding door with no lock, so that must have been effective. (sarcasm?)  Anyway, most of my memories of molestation are from Summers at the lake.

Summers at the lake, I lived for them, and along with the bad stuff, there was so much good that maybe I just became really good at burying the bad. Because to lose one would be to lose the other?  Swimming, skiing, volleyball, and most of all the sailing, these were my joys. Lying in the sun, listening to the clink of the chains that moored the dock to the beach, these are the memories that give me comfort, this is one of the places I can go to meditate, the wind whispering to me from the tall tops of the pine trees. I could cry for missing these things.

But somewhere in there I began hiding from the camera. I remember standing in front of the tall mirror on the back of the bathroom door and admiring my form, my tan lines, my flat stomach. And then a memory of being back in the city, and standing on my mother's scale, and being appalled that I was 135 pounds. Hindsight being what it is I know that I was trim and athletic, full of lean muscle from always being outdoors, but at the time my perspective was not clear nor compassionate. How many of us looked a Twiggy and knew we would never be...good enough?

But I keep straying from where I wanted to go this morning, why the aversion to pictures? Because our first instructions in the BLE Reboot Rezoom include taking a picture of where we are when starting the class. And my rebel was in front and center asking why. And sort of nudging her aside is the part of me that wants to do this right, that wants to follow the coach whom I admire and respect. So even if it's kicking and screaming I am going to do it. Well, I am going to try, because the rebel may be winning this one. But I want to know why, I want to know the part of me who hates, yes hates, being in front of the camera.

Because I don't yet love myself? Because I am continually disappointed? Because I don't want a record of my failures, real or perceived?

It's going to be a long fucking day.

BLE: Reboot Rezoom (RBRZ)

 It's such a bright day after raining cats and dogs yesterday, the sun a shining testimonial to the hopes many of us have for the new year. No resolutions, no goals, just day to day practicing the pause between thoughts and actions. I am not what I think, I am what I eat, and I will eat bright.

Started the morning with Cal, making first his breakfast and then mine, and then watching Dance Monsters cuddled on the cough together. Truly an act of love watching that with him, lol. 

Sorry to see the last of the ham go, ham on toast is a wonderful breakfast, but eager to move on to 'healthier' choices.

Just signed on to join the reboot rezoom facebook page for Bright Line Eating. While I don't feel the old manic feeling, I do feel hopeful that I will follow through this time. Just for today. I think that is the power I need to embrace, that like any addict I just need to do this one day at a time.

So happy new year. I'm embracing the calm and hopefulness that I feel in the day's energy; I love it when you can ride a global emotional tide.

Time to do some stretching, get dressed, and then maybe do some colouring.

Breathing and Baking

 It's been such a busy day I almost forgot to journal. Not much to report, other than a little voice urging me to have maintenance meals at breakfast and lunch too.  It was warm out, there were the usual school drop offs and pick ups, and I stopped on the way home to pick up more Allegra, a sweater for cool mornings, and Nutella for A. That will be a challenge, but currently I am up for it.

Harder still is R in the kitchen baking birthday desert for her friend's party tomorrow. They have a fun day planned, sailing and then dinner.  So I will have the grands all day. I am so used to her being here, coming out for tea while she is working, and then for lunch. But I am taking the day off tomorrow, and other than a little light cleaning don't plan on doing much.

 It's Joey's birthday tomorrow, he would have been 38 years old and sometimes I wonder what his life would have been like. But I don't dwell on it. Instead today I just breathed in and out, slowly, and remembered his laugh, and happier times. It's always going to be hard, but I keep enough of it locked up so as to keep it from being devastating. And I am glad R will have friends, wind, and sun to keep her occupied. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in having lost a son, that I forget she lost her brother.

Commit tomorrow's food

• b: sprouted grain toast, plant breakfast sausage, banana & kiwi
• l:  veggie omelet, parm cheeze, apple
• d: ribs, corn on the cob, coleslaw &  potato salad

Something I noticed while planning my food this evening, is that I like taking the time to really think about what I want the next day. 

I did a lot of intentional breathing today, and anytime I was tempted - and there was more than usual for some reason - I was quick to remind myself about my "wants."

Mostly I want to do this. I want to be a success story. I want to model healthy eating for my family - and those three things aren't even on my list!

Time for bed, and another Bright night.

BLE: A day in the life

 I've been 'sort of' following BLE for almost two years, and maybe, just maybe, I am finally willing to commit to following the plan. The whole plan, not just the bright lines, because 99% isn't only hard, it's just not working for me. Which isn't surprising, she wrote a plan, she didn't just throw four bright lines out there. This is what my days will look like.

This evening

Commit tomorrow's food

• b: spanish rice & eggs, banana and green grapes
• l:  veggie bean soup, cream cheese, apple
• d: chili verde, 4oz rice, 10oz salad, dressing of sr. cream and tomatillo salsa

Morning habit stack

• write in gratitude journal
• read list of wants (write in notes of gratitude journal each week)
• 10 minute meditation
• take supplements

Meals; 8am, 11am, and 4pm

• Eat only and exactly what I have written down tonight; no substitutions

Nightly habit stack

• journal about the day; what worked, what I feel
• commit food
• take meds

Notes: Susan's vlog today was about curing food addition before trying to lose weight. That for some of us it is almost impossible to stick to our bright lines when caught in the vicious cycle of food addiction.  I have been stuck at about 200 #s for two years after losing 30 #s, and while she was speaking to those who have lost and regained and lost and regained a significant amount of weight while doing Bright Line Eating, I feel that it applies to someone like me who is gaining and losing the same five pounds over and over and over for a long period of time. It seems to me that two years is a significant period of time. So. I decided to add a grain to my dinners, making the last meal of the day about maintenance instead of weight loss. If I am still compelled to eat in the middle of the night, I will also add a protein, but I want to start gradual - it just feels right.

There is a sense of surrender tonight, and not just tonight, I've been feeling this all day. I don't feel manic. Instead I clearly see a part of me has resigned herself to following the plan. She is sad at letting go of her rebellious ways, but it's clear she is tired of the battle, and finally willing to support me in this. She stands in black jeans, white silk tank top, and low slung boots as she stands with feet firmly planted and gazes out over the ocean from atop a bluff. She's very dramatic, running her fingers through hair that is blowing gently away from her face, and her shoulders are relaxed, resigned to giving in to my begging. I feel her removing her attention from her efforts to thwart me, and instead she is focusing far out to sea on something that is currently beyond my ken. She is beautiful, and tonight I am thankful for this vision.

My Want List

• peace of mind around food
• walk without pain
• better blood work
• size 12 jeans

Emergency Action Plan

• stop and breathe, slowly and quietly, to the count of 20
• meditate, do parts work - be curious
• journal by hand, no keyboard, how I am feeling
• call Dee
• message mastermind group

I may have missed something, but you get the gist. Tomorrow evening I will check in here, and hopefully journal about my Bright day and commit to Friday's food.

I am a Bright Liner.