BLF: Come all the way in and sit all the way down

 One month later and I hardly know where to begin. Maybe with this morning and then backtrack.

I awoke early about 5am, which is not unusual, and made the decision to NOT get up and play ACNH on the Switch. Instead I nestled in, got comfortable, and pulled an old mantra out of my pocket. "Om namah shivaya" I let my breathing deepen, and patterned it to my internal chanting, focusing on just my breath. Immediately my mind cleared to a starry field over a calm ocean; I lay there breathing and chanting, everything about my breath and the words. When thoughts arrived, I floated them away, away, away....until I couldn't. All of a sudden I was counting the years since Joey died, doing double the arithmetic in my OCD say to confirm my number was correct. 14 years, 15 come February. I let the pain wash through me and tried to quiet my mind and just feel. Years of intentionally dampening are hard to overcome, and I only lasted a few minutes before I had to jump up and start the day. But it was a good beginning, and tomorrow I will try again. I am going to meditate each morning from now on, because it's time.

It's time to start the self care practices that will help me achieve a Bright life, a Bright body, a Bright mind. 

It's been building all month, doing parts work in BLF,  meting with the wonderful women in my Master Mind group, and coming to grips with the fact that if I don't do the work, I'm not going to get better. I'm not going to heal in a meaningful way. And isn't that the goal? Yes. That's a definite Yes.

For so long I've kept bright lines during the day only to fall into shadow come the witching hour; this adds up to maintenance. I've kept off  the 25 pounds lost since starting Bright Line Eating. But when Everett (our BLF teacher) said the parts work may cause some of us stress, I feel he was speaking to me. Just the idea of 'having to do the work' was overwhelming and parts of me came forward to dismiss the whole notion, voicing all of the negative feedback in an attempt to overthrow my intentions to follow this program.

It was hard, the midnight snacks became fourth meals, and all of a sudden I was breaking my lines during the day too. A bite here, a snack there; maybe an extra serving of cheese and triscuits or a handful of french fries left over from Cal's lunch. I felt it happening, the loss of control, the old demons chattering away in my head, but I couldn't stop. Last night it all culminated in what I can only think of as a binge. First the cake pops out of the fridge, then the left over carrot cake cupcakes from the counter, and finally the chocolate donnettes from the cupboard. WTF!! I just sat on the edge of my bed and thought how horrible it was that I could let my body do that. Because certainly it wasn't something I could do on purpose was it? But it was on purpose, and sitting there feeling the heaviness of my belly I remembered the years of doing just that - to load up on processed carbs to sedate myself. But this time I just looked at just the parts that were involved, and didn't blame myself at all. Instead I tried to analyze what I had done in the light of the parts work I have been doing.

I think I've finally accepted that feelings are felt in the body, not the mind. All those years I thought I was putting myself to sleep so I wouldn't think (which is also true) but it was mostly the lead in my belly so that I wouldn't feel - that was probably the real goal. Now that I am doing parts work, I realize that I have a strong narrator (hence the blogging) that works to protect me, and that this is the part that justifies all of the behaviors that have kept me fat. The absolute worst of it were those times I actually believed that I just didn't care. I remember saying that, saying very defiantly, that it's okay because I really just don't care, always before a badly made decision, while a small part of me way deep down inside would raise a tentative hand and whisper, "oh, but you do, you know." But this time I was aware of that part, and I listened.

I think last night was sort of a breaking point; the coming together of an action I didn't feel like I had sanctioned, analyzed by what could only be my own true self, and the resulting meditation this morning as an immediate plan of action. 

I hear it all the time, 'you need to come all the way in, and sit down.' This morning I feel like I have at least entered the room and picked out my chair.

One Day at a Time, I choose Me.

This was the sentence in today's interview that hit home. I have heard this before in other ways, but never in this specific line up of words before. One day at a time I choose me. I choose to stay on my path.

If the link works, here it is.  You can watch the recording of the interview with Marquese here.

206 yesterday morning, still a tortoise but steadily moving in the right direction for a total of 26.6 pounds since October. Really, almost nine months I've been doing this? Some lose this much weight in their 8 week bootcamp.  Days are Bright and nights not so much. Hearing so much about 'parts work' and why I have such a rebel inside, I have started to visualize the girl that I was and try to convince her to just let it go. Yes, it was horrible, but it's over and we shouldn't be punishing ourselves over it. Then I move on to the woman I was, and how horrible it was, and in calming loving words and actions try to comfort her and tell her to move on, that there is still life ahead and we need to stop hurting ourselves.

It's hard doing this, to remember details on purpose and feel the anger and pain and frustration that comes in tow. But I am hoping that I can convince them to join me in moving forward, because I am tired of being tethered to past suffering.

God, I feel like Sybil trying to connect the inner selves to become whole, to be integrated. And I know it's the rebel part that screams, "This is ridiculous, shut up and have a cookie already!"

I'm still loving spending days with the grand kids, even though I should be doing a better job. But that will come once I am really only working four hours each day at the 'real' job. I'm tired, and everyday convince myself all over again that I can do this. LOL, shades of 50 First Dates. Ha!

Life goes on, and I am still the girl who does the best she can each day. I don't give up.

A Better Day

Today was not just another another Monday. Today, today was different. I don't know if was the exposure over the weekend to many episodes of 'Extreme Loser' and how each contestant was given a goal to directly confront someone in their life that was causing anger or pain, or if it was just me reaching the end of my rope. I have whined many times over the past couple of years about a co-worker, co-manager actually, that has caused me many a stressful day. Friday I had approached the Boss about one specific thing I needed to handle with her, and today he gave me some support which was new and unexpected.

 She didn't make it in today despite my email to her Friday that we needed to meet this morning; for her it was just another typical Monday with another crazy excuse for not being there. It doesn't even matter if the reason was valid or not, when I got her text it was like falling over a waterfall I had been on the brink of for a really long time, like I just gave up fighting to stay aloft and let myself fall.

My return text to her was to check her email when she arrived home. (She had been driving to work and had to pull over to the side because her meds were making her dizzy.) While she made her way home I typed a very detailed note to her about making sure she came to work Tuesday because we needed to resolve some issues. I apologized for the slightly 'Monday Bitchy' tone there may have been, but I was, all in all, polite.Thereafter ensued an email exchange in which I was clear about the problems her lack of attendance and attention were causing the team as a whole. I didn't hold anything back while being courteous and professional. I was not entirely pleased with any of her responses, but my final message to her merely said we would need to have a planning meeting in the morning based on what she decided to do. In a nutshell I requested she either choose to be there in body and mind, or to decide what she would rather be doing.

I'm not anxious or mad, I'm just ready to make this problem go away once and for all. Interestingly enough I had no interest in getting food on the way home, and I had a green smoothie for dinner once I reached home, and then a small bowl of leftover rice and kung pao. AND, R made some awesome buttermilk brownies last night, substituting some orange oil for part of the fat, and I was happy to have only one normal piece for dessert tonight. So far there is no desire or intention of helping myself to a second piece. Instead I have a cuppa chamomile tea brewing to take to bed with me. Oh! And no nap after work today. Thank Heavens!

If this feeling is just a small taste of what confronting something that is dragging me down can do then I think it's time I address the bigger issues. Molested as a child, the men who killed my son, I can only imagine what I might be like if that emotional baggage was off my back. Food for thought, so to say.

Now I am tired, and ready for bed. Maybe one more episode to bolster my resolve to be strong, fair, and imperative tomorrow.

What is breakfast

Breakfast is exactly what it describes, the first food you eat to break your fast from sleeping. Well, hopefully sleeping, that doesn't always happen, but also hopefully you haven't been up eating all night and have fasted so your immune system can get maintenance done on your body. And by you I of course mean me. Anyway, fruit is the easiest food for our bodies to assimilate after a fast, so that is Fuhrman's choice for the six week program and will be mine on most days. But weekends, and by extension weekend breakfasts, I think we will all agree, are a little different and even special.

This morning R was making chicken salad to break her fast and I was inspired to make a chick pea salad; same 'other' ingredients, different main protein. (I had already had my lemon water.)

Breakfast: smashed chick peas, chopped bok choy, green & white onion, apple and slivered almonds. Plus a little garlic powder, salt, freshly ground pepper and Mayo.

I don't plan on buying more Mayo once the jar is gone, and only use it sparingly when there are lots of vegetables involved. I may succumb to having it on hand but that doesn't mean I have to use it every day or even every week. It's about balance and choices and being accountable if I want to move better, breathe easier, reduce inflammation in my hands, feet and hips and get pain free. Which I do want. Every day. Very much.

And I think these are the right reasons for wanting a healthier vehicle to move around my brain, my soul, my spirit. Wearing cute jeans is always desirable, but as Sean reminded me in his blog today we cannot measure our worth by our size. We cannot let our size dictate how we feel about who we really are aside from our physical bodies. Over the years I think many of us confuse the two and let them become intermingled. I think his words from the linked entry are note worthy and I bookmarked them so I can read them again later today if I feel weak or tempted or sidetracked. While our bodies ARE what we eat, if we eat badly does it diminish are best characteristics on the inside? I think the point is that it doesn't, or shouldn't. Even now I am rationalizing his intention because it's so hard for me to divorce my 'true' self from my outer layers of fat and bad choices.

There is a small glowing particle of confidence inside of me that knows I am wonderful. That I am kind and helpful, that I respect my work and try to do a good job always, that I am dependable. My job is to grow this glowing bit into an ember, and then a campfire, and then to let go and just light the forest that is myself on fire with all the goodness that is me.

I used to play the Pollyanna game all the time, which I have written before, and I still do. But I need to play it with myself, and spend more time finding my own good bits and pieces to celebrate. Which brings me back full circle to Meditation and how badly I need to focus on that missing piece. I wonder how many years it has been since I first decided that, and how badly I judge myself for not following through. See - there it is again. Reminder to self: all the other good bits are still there, a flaw does not diminish them. I am more than just the negative parts, and I need to get over myself and out of this damn pity pool.

And isn't it interesting that I see myself as fragments. And wet. Sigh.

Lunch: last of veggie soup
Dinner: Chipotle burrito bowl - no cheese, meat or sour cream

Saturday Morning snuggles and screams

Being Saturday I climbed back into bed after visiting the Loo. It was cold and wet outside and I decided to snuggle in and watch Interview with the Vampire; even if the casting was all wrong Anne Rice did the screenplay and I hadn't seen it in years. BUT as plans often go this one was foiled by teh six year old climbing in to snuggle. "Grama, I love snuggling with you" she whispers as her arms go around me and my arm snakes out to change the channel. After some snuggly good mornings had passed between us we settled on watching the finale of Master Chef Junior that we had taped earlier in the week as it runs past her bedtime. She was very excited about the winner, but not so enthralled that she didn't jump up in the middle of it to show off Elfie who was zip lining it from the antlers to the Christmas tree in the living room by hanging on to a candy cane hooked over some red ribbon. That Elf gets into more mischief!

R went grocery shopping last night and picked up the ingredients to make breakfast sandwiches this morning. What a difference from what one can buy driving through for fast food. Freshly prepared sausage patties, muffins toasted in the oven with cheese, baked eggs - this is what a breakfast sandwich should be, not some bit of fluff that can be wolfed down in a minute but a sturdy meal that you have to actually chew and therefore savour and that actually fills you up and leaves you satisfied. I could go one step further and do the food costing, but we can't compete price-wise with the largest purchaser of sausage in the world. Besides, you can't put a price on a lovingly prepared breakfast at home.

While R was cooking A and I went through her flash cards; the goal is for her to be able to read and write the numbers one through twenty before she goes back to school next year. Winter break is upon us, and I have two days to be available for her daycare.

Yikes! Screams of blood from the hallway had me rushing out to investigate. "Daddy broke me!" is the summary she declares in the aftermath of losing her second front tooth. Mom is patiently scooping cold water into her mouth to rinse the blood away, and Dad gets a thumbs up for a job well done. Apparently she had been biting him on his arm when the tooth broke free. Almost. Mom finished up the job by pulling  out the precariously hanging tooth the rest of the way. I have visions of tooth fairies in the near future; I wonder if I can set a trap in her room tonight, or if  Elfie will somehow help with the exchange of tooth for silver. Ah, the exciting details of life!

My original thought when signing on to write was that I really needed to be alone after having spent the whole of my morning with A. In between everything we did she was either hanging or pulling or elsewise attaching herself to me like glue and I was in need of a break. At the last I grabbed her in a bear hug and swung her around singing, "I'm an old old woman, and I need to rest!" She was laughing as I put her down and guided her out my bedroom door, only showing me a brief frown as she turned to aim her abundance of energy elsewhere. But now I find myself simply grateful for the reminder that I love being with her, being part of her growing up, and should enjoy every bit of attention she is willing to give me. Because it goes by so fast, and there is no way to guess how much longer I have with her and the 'Rents. I love them all and don't begrudge a single crazy moment of us all living together.

See, a very short step from exhaustion to gratitude, it's all about the mindset. I will remember that as we go through the day together.

Better light than full

Years ago when I was focused on eating for nutrition and was steadily losing weight I discovered that I would much rather eat a large bowl of delicious homemade vegetable stoup and feel good than to eat badly and feel stuffed and miserable. I could eat vegetables until my urge to eat was satisfied without feeling like I had a rock in my stomach.

I also know the feeling of eating so badly that I enter a comatose state that lets me drift off into sleep to escape feeling anything at all. That moment of lethargy just before passing out was like a drug used to enter oblivion instead of bliss.

This past week I experienced something new and very likeable. To juice most of the day and eat a small meal or snack just to shut up my perverse nature to cheat left me feeling light and clean. This struck me most forcibly when I went to lunch with the office yesterday and ate a plate of Indian food. Yes it was good, but I hated the way I felt afterwards. Feeling a heaviness inside me that was irritating. I didn't want to go back to work, I wanted to go home and nap so I could wake up feeling better. And in that moment I remembered how I had felt all week and I missed it.

So this bright and lovely weekend morning I did not get up and cook pancakes, or make a bowl of oatmeal with nuts and fruit and maple syrup. Instead I juiced enough for breakfast and dinner, and plan on making something wonderful for lunch; stoup or chopped salad or a smoothie.

My salami sandwich the other evening reminded me that if I want my respiratory faculties to be free of phlegm I cannot indulge in sugar, wheat or dairy. It's no wonder I have had so many problems over the years. Why did no doctor every guide me away from those foods? Why is nutrition avoided as a valuable tool to use in gaining health?  There are many answers to that but the bottom line is the ever present Money is the root of all Evil. Here I will not rant about corporations, bottom lines and pharmaceutical companies fueled by the standard american diet that is killing us yet subsidized by we the people. Talk about a suicidal death dance - we take the cake. Literally.

Instead it's time to start cleaning up - we have a holiday to prepare for and the clutter has to go. Arrangements for cleaning the carpet must be made, and the dog messes disposed of before it rains. Sounds like a busy day, I wonder how my energy will hold up while juicing. I was tired often this week, but it was probably the lack of my decaf coffee combined with detoxing from my sausage biscuits. Hopefully I have once again kicked the fast food monkey from my back; it was starting to itch anyway.

Two week stretch

Yes Virginia, Time does Fly! Where did the two weeks go since I last wrote anything?

Intermittent coughing aside, I am well as my Grandmother used to emphasize - not good, things are good, people are well. I have so many memories of Mommer, my Maternal Grandmother; some that are cornerstones of my behavior and others that keep me on the straight and narrow edge of grammar. Hers is the voice who chants in my head upon occasion that the road to hell is paved with good intentions and that I have 'put on a little'. I loved this woman tremendously, and still grieve her passing though it has been more years than I can remember. I don't know why the few small negatives seem to be embedded in my brain. Probably because I did love her so much and it was so hurtful when she criticized it seared deep into my memory cells.

This morning at breakfast my own granddaughter was trying my patience, which I usually have in abundance - especially where she is concerned. But I guess the honeymoon phase of them moving in is over since I was ready to snap at her over the table at Country Waffles. I'm sure there was a sugar hangover from the party last night next door; sparkling lemonade, orange juice, chocolate cake, oh my! Then more orange juice for breakfast and blueberry crepes (which looked divine by the way) topped with whipped cream which she preferred to anything else on her plate. The jumping and popping under the table and overall exuberance was a little trying since her mother and I were both tired but even that was okay. It was the discovery of gum under the table that pushed me over the edge. Probably her  mother too. Once A found it she couldn't leave it alone, even after a stern "do not touch that" from both of the adults who were sharing said table. I stood up. We're going outside. OMG. Poor little thing melted down into the seat next to her mother and wept. Once home she came in to give me a heartfelt hug and mumbled apology. 

Broke my heart. 

What memories am I leaving with this child who is more special to me than words can convey? I have to remember my place in our little family; love and support, she doesn't need another authoritarian overseeing her every action. That's her mother's job. Not mine. I will remember this.

Breakfast: Scrambled veggies (peppers, onions, zucchini, spinach, tomatoes) and a side of fried potatoes. with hot sauce. YUM!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 27/30 or 97/100 or 1/1

Well those days flew by! Lets see, Sunday was productive as I spent some much needed time on housekeeping tasks; it felt good to be on my feet and puttering most of the day. While I have been gaming on the computer too much other times I also realize the need for a little escape so am not being too hard on myself about it. It was wonderful to watch A looking forward to our picking up R from the airport, and better yet to watch their reunion late Sunday night. I am so glad my daughter is back home, what a relief to pass back the responsibility of A to her! And last night M arrived back home - the dynamics of the house will change once again. But I am not worried this time, my head is in a better place. Life is what it is and will unfold accordingly - isn't that how I have lived mine up until this point? Right or wrong, good or bad, that's how I walk my particular path.

Yesterday, and Monday also, I have continued to enjoy a mental clearness that has been missing of late, as in the last couple of month. I have been able to win all of the small battles - no fast food or coffee has passed these lips - and recognized them as the small important steps they are. Even with the drama unfolding at work (and being unfriended on Facebook to boot!) I have been good to myself and skipping the treats so often found there. 

Speaking of treats, did you know there is such a thing as root beer float day? I was informed of such yesterday and the three of us had small floats for dessert. Fun! And I am a firm believer that a small controlled portion of a treat, shared with family to celebrate something silly, is never a bad thing.

There was even one day recently that I didn't feel like eating; for a compulsive foodie like me this is like a mini vacation and I reveled in feeling hungry but not wanting to eat for a change. What a relief for that small persistent voice to be silenced for a day. And I guess that it is since that day that I have been on my game - making conscious decisions and recognizing the baby steps that will make me feel better. Eating whole foods, not indulging on seconds when I am not hungry, not snacking at night. I'm still incorporating my green Shape shakes into every day, and while I have't had a 'clean' day in longer than I can remember, I do remember every so often to use the Clean a couple of times in a day, mixing up two servings and drinking one at breakfast and the other at work later. I'm a little nervous about running out of the Burn in a few days, but I can always order more so I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

As I think I mentioned on Saturday, it feels so good to be me for a while! Which is a little bit of a scary thought - this recognition that I think of myself as a split personality. I can't say that feeling this way is necessarily abnormal, but I can say I recognize that I like who I am right now, and not so much who I am when I am being driven crazy by the small nagging compulsive voice that comes to visit. Last night is a perfect example. I couldn't sleep, and somewhere in the wee hours of the new day my stomach began to gurgle. I thought, a handful of cashews would calm my stomach and then I could probably sleep. But the answer was immediate and clear - I don't want to eat anything, this is the time my immune system needs to work it's wonders. And that was that. Done deal. No midnight snack and no angst about it. If only I could have felt this way the past two months while using the CBS plan - but no crying over spilt milk, just moving on.

My prayer this morning is to have more days like this, to keep walking on the light side for as long as possible.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 14/30 or 85/100 or 1/1

Where to begin. While tempted to record the ups and downs of yesterday's trip to Napa, the experience left me..drained? And I will only jot down a few notes. It was even a little cathartic after living through the initial horror of realizing I was surrounded by family who looked like my ex and our son. That is what Jim would have looked like at 80, that is what Joey could have looked like at 30.  My intentions in going were pure, to show respect for Betty and to support R. I forgot I hadn't seen this side of the family since Joeys memorial, talk about a mental block, and wasn't anticipating the strong reaction I experienced. I also hadn't expected a Catholic service; at least the church was beautiful and it gave me a new perspective from which to think about some of the family. But I was overcome with emotion, and felt like a skinned cat upon leaving. I will say that the two granddaughters who spoke nailed it; Betty made you feel loved, and like you had her attention - the joy she lived with was genuine and she shared it with us all.

Once back at B's (outlaw sis) in their beautifully remodeled home with a glass of red at hand and busy getting trays of food out I was okay. Then after weeping a little more with family and getting caught up I did feel better. The sweet ladies in their 90's who mentioned I hadn't changed a bit, well that was much appreciated and I soaked it up. And seeing the cousins together all grown up was a treat. How I wished for just a moment that everything could have been different; that Joey and Jim were there, that they were happy productive souls, that M could have been there with R, that drugs and alcohol hadn't been such a destructive force in our lives. But I have learned not to second guess life, and it was just a fleeting thought, not anything to dwell over.

Thank heavens R was driving us home, the wine hit me hard. I did indulge in several skinny slices of french baguette, each topped with a slice of peppered salami and a smear of Gorgonzola -So Delicious! A handful of kettle chips and one peanut butter cookie completed my repast. Once home we did make it to the pool, and had a fun time with A - everyday with her at the pool reminds me of how important fun and courage are in equal measure. Back at the house we had salads for dinner, and after dozing off several times in front of the TV I gave it up and headed to bed at 8pm.  And slept. And slept. And slept some more! Rolling out of bed at 7:10 this morning I barely made it to work on time at 8. Emotions can be more exhausting than any physical labours, no?

Upon arising this  morning I did notice that there was a new calm present in my demeanor despite my rushing about, and I realized that I really had needed yesterday; to see family, to grieve, to hug and be hugged. Feeling lighter I stepped on the scale before dressing and was delighted to see that the five pounds I had regained over the past month were gone and I was back on track. Which probably led to my crazy lunch. I had rushed out of the house so fast this morning I didn't pack any food. I spent lunch time at Harvest Farms picking up fruit and veggies and yes, the jalapeno chips I a had for lunch were an impulse buy at the counter. In my defense I also polished off four stalks of celery at my desk to finish up the urge to crunch, and then half an apple on the way home. 

Dinner will be a shake since I didn't have one at lunch, and it's hot so I imagine we will be going to the pool again once A is home. It is a testament to how crazy I have been that I was able to go so many years without swimming and the pool just a short walk down the street the whole time. Just Insane.

Time to get busy; a child to pick up, a shake to blend, swimming to do, and finally the Thursday ritual of taking out the garbage. Life does have a tendency to go on when one is still breathing, like it or not. And mostly lately, I like it.

Update:  I almost forgot two random awesome events. Not that they were awesome in and of themselves, but because it was so crazy to see how fast the universe can respond. R was backing out of our parking space at Trader Joe's where we had stopped on the way home from Napa and mentioned how dangerous the parking lot was there. Immediately a car backed into us! No harm no foul, but hilarious. Then later when we were at the pool A and I were showing her how A floats on her back to watch the migration of sea gulls as they make their daily trek from the dump in the foothills out to the coast. R said aren't you afraid of what might fall on you? Immediately a big white splat hit the cement not three feet from her. Amazing. Ask and you shall receive; the universe does not hear 'no'.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 21/30 continued

Back when "The Secret" was all the rage it sped through the Network Marketing arena in a fiery blaze. That led to more reading and exploring and getting the basic idea that 'thoughts are things' and 'you have to make room in your life if you want to welcome in something better.'

Today I welcomed a new patio table and chairs into the backyard, and later this afternoon we will have company. I had seen the set with a 'FREE' sign on them during the morning's walk to the pond and R and I took A with us and grabbed them.  But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me see if I can get the sequence right.

1. H moved out, taking the patio table & chairs with him.
2. C next door wanted to lay a brick patio between the driveways, and we did.
3. C's better half threw him a surprise Bday party, and we worked to make sure our adjoining driveway was cleared off, hosed down and prettified for the occasion with the raking of leaves & the potting of new flowers.
4. A coworker was looking for some doggie day care, and a couple of months ago I would have been embarrassed to have them over, but in no small part to the Burn I have been keeping busy around here, so invited her over this afternoon.
5. The back yard is a wreck because all of our efforts have gone into moving and brick laying.
6. I spent the morning weed whacking, raking up leaves, hosing off the back brick patio and the new patio set.
7. Before lunch we went shopping and found four chair pads in a fresh green that just matches the colour of the potted peas (our garden) that we have growing on a trellis in backyard. They look inviting and add that final touch we needed to make the yard seem like we may actually use it.
8. I have an hour left to hose off the back cement patio and set up the futon couch before jumping in the shower.
9. I get to meet a new dog at 5 and have my dinner out on the back patio.

Everything sort of hinged on everything else, and while it may seem an obscure set of connections to someone else it all makes perfect sense to me. This will be the first person I have invited over to the house in a really long time, and it feels good.

Back to work!

Orenda bound

Too late to crawl back into bed, too early to sit here in the chill of a dark spring morning and feel glad to be up and about. And since the chattering of my feathered friends is more irksome than birdsong I would hazard a guess that my mood remains somewhat diminished. No reason, it was a nice weekend, light on the side of accomplishment with a nice chunk of relaxation thrown in yesterday afternoon.

But I am...sort of ancy. There is a feeling of expectation that has me a little confused after years of, hmmm, complacency?  It may have to do with my Orenda order and the 100 days that is fast approaching. I haven't written much about my anti aging and wellness business as it evaporated after Joey's death; one has to actually speak with people to run a business you know. So perhaps this is the core of my unrest. Impending change.

This could go one of two ways. One, I could use the products only to fail, be disappointed in myself for yet again buying into a weight loss program,  and swear off ever doing something so foolish again - my brain knows this is a billion dollar industry and I may be grasping at a will-o-the-wisp solution. Or two, this could be the beginning of my retirement career and my life will be forever changed. I am opting for the later outcome of course, who on earth wants to fail. Which is an interesting question because I sometimes wonder if that is my natural disposition, failing. It is after all a much easier and lazier path to amble down. Success is much more demanding and I wonder if I am up for the task. I am, however, ready to find out.

There is still no tracking info on my CleanBurnShape order, but I know they were expecting product in to ship out this week so I am hopeful it will be soon. Lets see, 100 days from May 1st is...August 9th. (Nifty little calculator) I would so love to be wearing smaller jeans again come the Autumn. Lord knows there are enough of them boxed and bagged in the garage. My array of sizes is a constant source of embarrassment seasoned with bitterness. Three years ago I was writing about fitting into smaller jeans; who knew I would be right back here again. Well, statistics did. But I do know how to eat (Eat food, mostly plants, not too much - per Michael Pollan) and just need a little motivation and direction to get back on track now that I have taken this initial drastic step to change my life (Ref: The Rift). It is important to me that the Orenda products I ordered are vegetarian, not based on soy, and are from a company I respect. Nutrition remains my focus when it comes to eating, with some decadence throw in for balance, and I love what I have read about this new program, obviously, or I wouldn't have ordered it. I am trusting that they are still a cutting edge biotechnology company and I expect great things from them, just as I have experienced from Orenda in the past.

And as I suspected, I feel better already just voicing my concern. Hopefully there will be shipping information posted later today and shortly thereafter I will be off and running. Or walking which is better I think. 

And a little voice is chanting a mantra inside, let this be real, let this be real, let this be real. I am ready for a new start, a successful venture, and a healthier stronger me emerging as a consequence.

Beauty

After working through a rough afternoon yesterday, I sat down this morning to write about my ideas on reactive and proactive actions, or vice versa, and how they sometimes present the opportunities for  second thoughts (or even second chances) depending on the order of things.

But I stopped in at Dani's blog on the way here and saw this, and I felt that this was everything in a nutshell. That the ideas running through  my head had sidestepped a basic truth that I had forgotten.      Beauty

I don't need to second guess myself, I just need to find my inner Pollyanna and resuscitate her. At one time she was the very cornerstone of how I identified myself in the world, and I would like to have that perspective again; I would like to have that foundation back.

In the meantime, here's to another day of packing & stacking! I am so going to love this house again once we are all done. I am ever so grateful that I have R to help me make this a home again. Now there is real beauty.

A year of Work

I think it was April of 2009 when the job I had been with for a dozen or so years closed their doors. I stayed till the end helping to pack up and clean out, after all, I didn't want to go anywhere else. After Joey died I was able to work when I could, acted as a consultant when I couldn't, and showed up when I needed a safe place to distract myself. It was nice to feel useful but not pressured, and the office and people in it became the haven I needed to collect my scattered morbid self into something resembling human.

It took a while to find another job. And I'm sure I've moaned and groaned somewhere in this tirade of a blog about making $11 an hour driving the catering truck part time for a non-profit group who was feeding the needy of our valley. I cried almost every day as I drove that truck, but I worked hard and tried to do a good job. I had lost much, but not my center core of pride, and I felt it was important work. At the same time I had another part time job, and it was my hard work at this 2nd job that gave me the recommendation  leading to where I am today. I gave up both jobs for the security and benefits of one full time job, and today I celebrated my one year anniversary at the new company.

The Boss invited me out to lunch, and much to my surprise he let me know the confidence he feels in the department we have developed over the past year. That was the five minutes we spent on shop talk - the rest of the hour we spoke as..friends; sharing stories from our personal lives and laughing and enjoying a wonderful meal. It was a really nice break ( I normally work through lunch) and I guess I really needed the boost because I returned to the office in a much better frame of mind than when I left it.

We all need little reminders that we are valuable, and all too often we forget the impact we can have on another's day\week\life just by voicing a compliment once in a while. At a meeting this year the speaker said that most of us are dog people, and like our furry friends we just need a little pat of approval when we do a good job. Once upon a time I knew that, and I was the 'Pollyanna' of the office - always looking for the good and making sure recognition was given. I think I have mostly forgotten that along the way, and it saddens me because I think it was a large part of who I was. Of where my goodness stemmed from. And today reminded me I need to open up that part of my life again.

Baby Steps...but steps.

Desiring Motion

Do we need goals? For motivation to arise within us does there need to be a catalyst? Science tells us that a body in motion stays in motion - how does it get there? What begins the first swing of the pendulum? Is there a gradual movement that eventually becomes a sway which in turn becomes a cage swinging around and around like the ride I use to love as a child? That ride was all about me; hands on the bars of opposing sides of the cage, shifting my weight back and forth until swinging high enough to breach the top and fall down the other side. Then it was easy, keeping my weight first to one side and then the other until my time was up and I had to let it fall into it's natural back and forth rhythm, it's weight slowing the momentum until gradually coming to rest at the bottom where I had to step out and give up my turn to another. I loved it, I loved accomplishing something, and I had a love\hate relationship with the feeling of cresting the top knowing I was about to fall, then in love again with the speed of the descent.  How this reconciles with the girl who grew up being car sick and not being able to sit on a swing without getting vertigo is beyond me. Maybe because I was in control; I learned in my early 50's that I could tell my brain which way the car was going to turn ahead of the motion and it would keep me from getting so motion sick. That the disconnect was in the communication between my eyes and ears - my brain not translating info from my eyes to my balance center in my ears. Made sense, I tried it, and surprise surprise it worked. That was the same year I discovered I could read in the car by holding the book up in front of me instead of down on my lap.

But back to motivation - I have always been lacking, and yes, whined about it here somewhere more than once I am sure. I want some magical feeling of impetus to propel me forward, to guide me towards fulfillment of my wishes and dreams. I am a hard worker if it's for someone else; helping them seems to give me great motivation. So why not for myself? Why isn't helping myself motivation enough to spin me into action. Is there another disconnect in my brain that I can discover and fix?  And how would I go about finding this, this thing, that is missing so I can compensate for it. I don't think I will find it in a pill.

My brain is trying to connect the messages coming out of my fingertips this morning - from motivation, to being in control of the cage, to finding a solution to my carsickness. I know it is all connected, I know there is an answer in there somewhere.

What did Holmes say? The hunt is afoot?

Closet ramblings

A year or two or so ago I remember posting about clearing out old clothes from my closet - well, let me just go search and see if I can find it, hang on....found it! Too Many Clothes was written just barely over a year ago - wow, only a year?  I was so glad to find it just where I thought it would be under the label 'self discovery'. And now I want to write about lots of other things; why I looked first for a post about clothes under self discovery and about the benefit of keeping a journal or blogging or however we account for ourselves. Because going back and reading how I was feeling then, really helps me put into perspective what I am doing, thinking and feeling today. Now, what was I saying???

Oh yea, the closet and yes, the yearly spring cleaning - or should I say the yearly spring thinning?  I have been sort of sorting through my winter clothes as I do the laundry, and while there is less to go through this year, I am still amazed by how many things I have that just aren't me. All the 'make do' items that I bought as I grew larger just because they were the least offensive and fit the criteria of that day, or rather, they just fit period.  I hate all these high rise jeans I have, thank heavens my DD passed on some of her more current style jeans for me to wear during this weight transition. Reading back it's nice to see that the 18's are all gone now, and while I'm not as far along as I thought I would be by now size wise, at least I am still going in the right direction. And this year I am thinking about this before I drag the dreaded blue tubs out of the closet to sort through and exchange winter for summer garb. I will not pack away any winter clothes that I have kept before just because they fit or I might need a larger size next winter -not going to happen. Only the clothes that 'speak' to me get to stay. No dwelling over choices like I did last year, just looking forward to the fun of purging the things I really don't want to keep and lightening the load a little bit more ... both in the closet and off my shoulders.

The whole continuity of this makes me wonder if maybe next year I will feel compelled to post about this again, and I can't help but wonder how much better it will be - fewer and smaller clothes for sure - but also a clearer brain and a lighter heart. It's good to know I'm making progress, and that maybe someday there won't even be a link between the size of my jeans and the mental hurdles I put myself through. I can hardly wait!