Food and exercise to the rescue!

The day improves.

Specifically corn pancakes at Denica's where they were having a fund raiser for A's school. Delicious. Upon arriving home and taking a quick assessment of the work to do in the back yard I decided a trip to buy flowers was in order first- incentive, or a bribe - so that there was something to look forward to after the cleaning up of the cement patio. And a tomatoe plant too was in the basket to come home, no apologies for the 'e'.

After an hour I am exhausted and instead of pushing through I am allowing myself a break to cool down and hydrate before going back out to work. I'm in the worst shape of my life and don't want to collapse doing yard work! But my mental health has recovered it's Pollyanna demeanor; it's too bad we can't remember the hill to come while wallowing in the depths, that would be ever so helpful.

To water, to put my feet up, and then back to work.

Final update: that was the pattern all day, work, hydrate and a brief rest - then repeat. A long productive day at last! R and I made a huge dent in the back yard, and are both sore and weary tonight. Most of the new flowers are freshly potted, there is a  junk pile ready for the dump, and things are looking up. A vast improvement. Hopefully tomorrow I can get out there after work each day and keep up the momentum.

Side note: the orange tree is thick with fragrant, white, waxy flowers and a'buzzing with bees. Wonderful but scary, we steered clear.

Grumpy Pants

That's me this morning, not sure why. Yesterday I began a determined effort to get back to eating for health and weighed out two pounds of veggies; the intention was to eat half of them raw and half cooked.

The raw half was in fact eaten, but the cooked half turned out to be beet soup and i somehow never ate any of it despite how delicious it was and beautiful to look at too. Rats, I should have posted a picture! I'll do that later.

So what was dinner then? Top Ramen, and a vanilla shake for dessert. I did get quite a bit done yesterday, managing to stay on  my fee for at least half the day. But I ache and there was never really a sense of accomplishment; even after mowing the lawn all I could see was how much was left to do.

So obviously this is a mind thing, and I need to get over 'it' or myself or whatever. Happiness has managed to sneak away while I wasn't paying attention, and I just don't have the energy to track it down right now. The old adage of pretending until it's real is exhausting just to think about.

No, this is not me giving up, it's just me ranting to the universe in an attempt to piss myself off and find some get up and go.

Said as my hands are tingling as I type. Bother.

Vegetable Soup

10:30 am and I sat down exhausted on the side of my bed for a moment taking inventory of my aching body - and the thought came, if I could make one pain disappear forever which one would it be. This inclination towards self-pity  drove me straight up off the bed onto my feet and to write. And on my way I passed this entry - so timely for me and so true.

See what Sean had to say last week about the infamous line of least resistance.

I had filled my morning with doing the dishes, then cleaning out the vegetable drawers in the fridge. This is a great way to make soup; no thinking or planning or finding a recipe - just use up everything that needs to be eaten before it goes bad, and viola, what some might call stone soup. (I am grateful there are potatoes and carrots in my soup instead of stones, but you get the idea.)  

Sunday's are usually Library day's for me and Miss Munchkin, but I am tired, and not about to remind her this wet and cloudy day unless she brings it up. I have three more of the Big House books to listen to so I am set for the week of commuting, and I don't believe we have made it through her stack of ten books yet either from last Sunday. Maybe a visit on Tuesday night to the little library around the corner will be a nice treat instead of trekking across town to the Civic Center on the weekend.

   *************Intermission************** (read as: bowl of buttered popcorn)

Short Stuff has let me know it's time for us to read together, and as always it is my pleasure.

Zumba

"Grama, maybe you could use Zumba to lose weight", peeps the little voice of my five year old granddaughter from behind me. I am standing at my workstation puttering about on Farm Town and she is snuggled up on my bed waiting for Sophia to begin.  "You think I need to lose weight?" I ask calmly. There is a poignant pause while she thinks before answering, bless her heart. "I like you just the way you are before you got fat." There it was, the truth laid out before me by a child. And notice the tense, the way she uses 'you are'. Time is caught here as it truly is - everything happening at the same time.

I am fresh out of the shower, and have chopped a good eight inches of hair off my greying head. There is still quite a bit of brown underneath and in streaks through the grey, and I can't complain about how much of it there is. But the long wet strands sticking to me in the shower were...well, they just had to go! And isn't that just how it is in life; things are okay until they aren't.

I loved the recent episode of Grey's Anatomy; showing the what if's of life based on a single moment; how a turning point is a combination of just the right circumstances coming together to 'point' a way forward.

So converging incidents telling me it's time for a change. And I am listening.

A Falling Down Hard Day

I've been coming off a year of meds for my back pain, and after a week, today I felt different. To treat nerve pain they gave me anti-anxiety meds, and each day not taking that little pill I feel a little more..on edge. Not anxious, just feeling too much. About too many things, and tonight I have to release some of that or go mad. It's the birthday of my ex, gone these ten years or so, and signing on to FB and seeing his face staring out at me was the last straw on this camels back. So now I am hiding in my room listening to the worst season EVER of American Idol.

So many years, so many different pains, my granddaughter crying in the other room - I cracked. I left. I hide.

I try I try I try and I fail. In so many ways. But of course there is no giving up, there is just my tight painful throat and the knowledge that it won't kill me.

A has been singing (well, not today) a lot of "Let it Go" from Frozen. All my work and reading and putting on a brave face and I still haven't figured out how to do that (the letting go part.) Stupid is as Stupid does. Whatever.

Tired, so tired, and here I am yet again whining. So many blessings in my life, so much to be grateful for, all of it so buried beneath this miasma of ... yuck. Come on Pollyanna, where are you girl?  She peeked her head out during our couple of days of glorious sunshine, but ran away to hide from the grey and damp when they returned.

Finally a big cleansing breath. I will try writing again tomorrow and focus on the positive. We are what we think - and since light and gay don't come naturally I need to get back to work. Shaking my head at myself I say good night.

Unpacking Christmas

Yesterday we drove down to Lowes and returned home with a Nobel Fir tied to the top of my car. A little furniture rearranging with an end table and doll house ending stacked up in the garage,  a spot of vacuuming and a corner was emptied so we could fill it with the lovely fragrance of pine. For me Christmas trees have very little to do with the presents that may or may not appear under them; I relate to the more time honoured tradition of bringing in something green and fresh into the winter den to remind us of the spring we hope is just around the corner and to cover up the stale air of a house barricaded against the seasonal cold. More cold than usual I might add - keeping in tune with the new global weather adjustment even sunny California has tightened her skirts against the below freezing nights and the crisp days that hover in the 40's.

Several trips to the garage and back, unpacking just a few things from each tub so as to leave room for the decorations of my housemates, it's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.

Yesterday, we also made turkey stock and I used my portion to whip up some vegetable soup this morning, now packed into containers for lunches next week I am assured of a healthy choice even when tired.  This may be the last turkey I ever eat. I have been sliding into old flesh eating habits of late just because it is often easier, but I am done. Eating plants is an important part of fighting for myself, and since I have apparently decided to do that my eating habits must follow suit.

Today's agenda, bring Christmas to my room now that we have welcomed it into the front of the house. 'A' has been painting water colour trees and we will put them with the rest of the collection on the walls today. Oh the wonders that paper and tape can bring.

My brunch is a smoothie of baby power greens, almond milk, flax meal, blueberries and a scoop of Orenda Shape. Very delicious. I drank water and tea this morning, got busy making my soup, and waited to eat until I actually felt hungry. An exercise in connecting mind to body.

Struggling a little with vertigo so slow and steady is the pace today, but I will accomplish much. Already the stove top has been scrubbed and the second load of laundry is in. Chores ground me, help me to feel solid in this crazy world, and I always feel better afterwards.

I love a clean nest.

Once more unto the breach....

How I yearn to say brave words, to quote a heroine and mean it and have the heart to follow through. "I would rather die than live another day of this death!"

Robbed of my health, my will is resurrected.

I fight.